protect me will you?

I hope she wont let him see this. I dont even know if she'll continue reading this. I'm just gonna write like no one is reading. Why? I dont have to hide anything anymore. I can be as true as I want. I can't tell her anymore on the phone. I just gotta express through here. I'm very vulnerable. Far too vulnerable.

She might choose not to read this anymore. I dont know. I wont ask. Dear buddy drew, we are in the same suck now. The feeling of letting someone go. Gosh, its harder than I really expected.

Maybe I should talk to you more. We could probably understand each other better. Its like now though we arent talking much about this issue we both face individually, but we have a common understanding somehow.

I wanna pray, I tried, I did. I dont know if God is ignoring me. Like how parents would let the baby wail all he wants. Cause when he knows that he wont get attention for nothing, he will learn to shut up. I dont know. So hard, so darn hard.

I'm looking forward to jamming. I'm looking forward to getting lost in worship. I dread fridays, some saturdays and sundays. My head is so so full of her. I'm crying now as I write this.

I trust you Lord. I'm waiting on your will. But you know the human feelings is so hard to ignore. but I guess on the cross when the Father whom you loved so much, left you, turn away from you, forsake you, now only you Christ knows how I feel. To be ignored by the one you loved so deeply. To leave all behind. To just walk away. To see her happy with another guy. To be too late. To be told no.

If all these are just to bring me back to you, Lord I can only imagine how stubborn I am. How hard a nut I am to crack. But Lord really why her? why? Lord I wait for the day I stand amaze at your work. Really I do. My hope Lord, I wanna build upon you. not upon her.

I feel like I'm evaporating. Disappearing into thin air. I'm only in form when I go for jamming. I feel so weak Lord. Grant me strengthen Lord. please.

Now I'm using music to numb the hurts and pain. to take my mind off as much as I can.