Give up, just give up

(ps: this is gonna be a long post)

That was what I've been fighting in my head the whole night. My head keeps telling me to give up, but naturally I just went on as it is. I still wanted to take care of her, share stuffs with her, do things for her. Thats me, I go all out for the person I love.

I really do love her. At this point in time there is no doubt about it at all. Not the faintest sign of doubt at all in my heart, mind and soul.

I've been debating with myself and with God. Debating that why this has to happen and make me so heartbroken. Looking at her, but not being able to be near her. Not being able to hear her whisper when she is sad, not able to hold her hand when she is cold, not able to look deep into her eyes to assure her everything is fine, not be able hold her tight and smell her scent. I really wanna spend time with her doing nothing or anything.

I have to keep myself in check today. I dont really care who the company was to even begin with. Most of them are my childhood friends: my dearest, mummy-sister Cheryl, clare and lyd, joyce goh and ho, cass. We were out to celebrate Joyce GOH's birthday. Its was quite fun. Hopefully we can do this for everyone.

I kept myself in check cause I dont wanna hurt myself. I dont want to have any hopes. I dont want to delude myself any further. It hurts, it does, but I hope in time to come I'll be fine. In truth, typing this makes my heart really painful. I'm really close to tearing now.

Now, as long as she is happy with him, I'll really let it be. Yes I dont wanna see anything, hear anything between him and her, but I'll let it be. We're still friends and she telling me about her life is fine. I just dont wanna know anything between them.

I reflect a lot these few days. Thinking of why this happens, why I like her, why its best I stay away, how should I feel or react when I see or hear of things I dont want to. I have not come up with anything, but I'm just trusting in the Lord.

I really dont see how there would be another her, better in fact. But I guess this is a test of trust. Trusting in His providence.

Trust and obey,
for there is not other way,
to be happy in Jesus,
but to trust and obey.

An old sunday school song, but today, its reminding me of how God works.

Maybe after getting a job or going into NS will like overshadow these feelings. Maybe, I dont know. But after these 2 years one thing that I know is that, I can never forget her or have these memories and feelings eradicated from my heart. Its a space for her and her only. They have been deeply engraved onto my heart.

so now I guess I'll just be happy around her. Just be grateful and think positive. treasure this friendship and see how the Lord works. You never know, just hang on to Him and be prepared for a ride of a life.

watch me go, as i let go.
through my days of high and low.
perhaps some day and i shall know,
why you're the one that make me whole.

- ViN