Fine.

Fine? am I really fine? I keep asking myself. I am, aren't I? no I don't think so, I far from being fine. I'm F**KED! I'm so not ok. like I really don't know. I'm so not f**king ok right now.

In church people close ask me am I alright, I told them, yea! Well maybe I manage to draw the energy from them to feel fine, but when I'm alone with God and alone with myself, I become not fine. I keep telling my gan ma I'm fine. Really really fine. I got over it. I guess that is the only mask I put on in church. Maybe it isn't a mask, but at that time I really am.

Well I guess I thought it through last night. I'm really ok about them being together. I'm not for her. period. But there was so much talks about it today that the old hurt and feelings just came hitting me in FULL FORCE! they tormented me. I knew how much I loved her and I guess I should either stop talking to her altogether or I should just cool off and get myself again.

I don't know what to do. I tried giving up to God but I end up not being able to sleep. Crap la. I feel wasted again this week. Lost all sense of motivation. Lord oh lord. what are you trying to do to me?!

I was talking to Lee cher in the car on the way home. Nothing mentioned about her but I just had a sudden thought that maybe God knew what is needed to talk me away from gaming. A Girl. so happen that he decided to use her. Well now I'm off gaming but I'm all hurting. WHAT A WEIRD METHOD LA GOD! but maybe that was the only way. I thank her for bringing me back to God, in whatever role she might be playing unknowingly.

The ultimate killer of the day was that he called while I was talking to her halfway. And then I asked her if he called, she said yes. So I said, ok then maybe you should talk to him, spend time with him, you two have to get back on track. Then she said, don't worry, its fine between them already. When I heard that sentence, I insisted that she talked to him. I just couldn't bear it anymore. I need to be left alone. The pain was too overwhelming. I just cant keep in what I feel. No I cant. I wish her well. I really do. I just bear to see her going on good with him. I wanna kill all hope. TOTALLY. all hopes.

I don't know what is emo now. The pain is so much now its perpetually on and off in seconds. I'm so hurt, yes by you, but not how it looks like. you don't mean to hurt me in anyway but it somehow does to me. I might say one thing but next moment I feel another way. Sorry I'm confusing. I'm so f**ked I'm just going so mad and all over the place. I need to get out of this.

I'm looking for someone else to talk to. Anyone. Looking for a let out point.

fine? NOT FINE!