Good Friday?

I really don't know what to say anymore. maybe this will be the last blog. maybe not. I don't know. I kinda regret going out with them today and yet again, I don't. I was glad to go out with them cause I got to drive. But I made some serious mistakes.

I drove along MacRitche Reservoir that road and was about to change the gear from 4th gear to 5th gear, but as I was shifting my steering wheel went close to the left. On the left was TRAILER, a long big vehicle. Glenda quickly took hold of the wheels and pushed it to the right. One close shave.

Then later along Farrer Road, I made a wrong turn. Instead of turning into Holland Road(Ulu Pandan) I went towards Orchard. Bummer. Had to find a U-Turn and get back. But as I was U-Turning, I shifted to gear 1, no idea what for and later found myself having to shift it back to gear 2. The LGV jerked.

Then as we reached Edwin's house, I tried to head into a parking lot. I turned too early and it almost hit a car. I was about less than a cm away. I scared the shit out of her. I'm sorry girl. Really am. After that my confidence level dropped again. I dare not touch her car. I wanted to be safe but I don't know what happened to me. Really. I'm very very sorry.

This was the night. In the day I woke up early to attend the good friday service at Expo. Ok it was alright. The service went on well. Then later I went to SRC with Clarence's family for lunch. After lunch they left and my family carried on to do their own stuff. I wanted to play bowling. I needed to release some emotions.

I really feel shit now. I see that they missed each other. I was affected looking at them. I don't wanna avoid this forever, but it isn't fun to be around. I'm pouring out everything here. I wonder if anyone reads this. I'm writing to something that wont give me a response and it sucks. The only comfort is that I release these emotions and I don't hurt anyone as badly.

The little session that we had at Edwin's place was good I must say. I saw Good Friday in a different light. A surgeon was telling us about how he as a surgeon would treat a hand. How musicians, artist, athletes rely on this hand to perform. How the One who create these hands made it so perfect as when you dissect a hand, finding the right nerves to move it is difficult. Yet when its alive, it dances perfectly on a piano. And then how we can possibly nail a human to a cross to be crucified. The utter destruction of a hand. I was touched reading this passage. How it pains our Father to see His creation destroyed so that He may save us.

In the very same way, I feel the pain. A nail through the heart. I wondering if I still wanna go out with them after today. I think I cant handle it. I don't know why. I was supposed to get over it. But its more like I'm being crushed under it. If I met God today, I would ask Him about this. Why Lord? why make me go through this. I wonder what she feels about me now. I don't know if I even wanna know the truth.

Oh crap, I'm going mad soon. I cant indulge fully into music cause I don't play alone very much and people I play with cant be free all the time. I don't wanna go back into gaming. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I feel like shit. I wanna scream. My memories are haunting me.

if you're reading this girl, I'm sorry. Too much I wanna say to you, too much I cant say.

i only hope you do continue to read my blog...

Lord save me.