heavy heavy heart

yup, my heart sank. I know we still can be friends. I know we have feelings for each other. But the reality is that we are just friends. I'm ok. But thinking about it makes me feel really down.

How to smile in the face of your joy being with someone else? You just cant. *sigh* I feel weird. I can accept the fact and the choice she made. I think its the memories I had that is killing me. I'm glad she told me about this tonight. If it was tomorrow, I'll have a worser night.

I wonder if she'll treat me better than him? I don't know. I have friends who does. Which is kinda cool for the friend and suck for the boyfriend. HAH! I'm being evil here, but well its just rather a harmless thought.

I've lost interest in girls. I thought maybe this time round I can really be with her. But no cause God really said no. Oh well, what's next Lord? I hate suspense... I wanna know what is going on. I really hope that the girl for me is like Glenda. Pretty looking and similar character. I'm so lost really.

Hate to admit this but what he told her that time is proven right this time. That this little episode will make their love grow stronger. Oh well, I hate to think about this. It just makes my blood boil. But what can I use to compare. 1year++ of relationship is definitely stronger than something of a few weeks. Oh boy oh boy, I know I must not hold on to this. God has told me too many times NO she isn't the one.

Thinking about the future, being with another girl makes me feel weird. Maybe I dread the time and energy I have to spend. I don't know. Glenda, I love you, but I'm sorry that God wouldn't allow that. You have a special place in my heart. Its special enough that I'm willing to give my life for you.

Now, Vanessa seem to be the closest girl to what Glenda is. I wonder if she is the one... I can't don't think about it cause I'm rather lonely now. Thoughts are running all over my head. I hope I can continue to blog. My life is going to be boring again with less of you.

I'm still going to try and lose weight, since its the temple of the Holy Spirit, I better put it in better shape. I wonder, wonder, wonder... What my life will be? All my plans and dreams, wish and hope are now crushed. Lord tell me please....

i hope we can have a special relationship.
neither that of lovers nor that of sister and brother.