Goodbye 2009

The year has ended and so is the same for all good and bad things.

For all the good things, (KLMT, BSSM, YaYA Camp, TMT, TS) I hope and truly believe that 2010 would bring more of such good things.

For all the bad things, I hope that they'll become memories of lessons learned. Not to be repeated again.

2010 hold many new things for me. Drum lessons, starting of Uni life and mission trips to new places. I hope to attend Church Camp then as it would be my 1st one after 4 years.

2009 flew pass way too fast. I have not recollected and reflected yet and its over. And on the last day itself. I'm learning to walk away from things that are not my problem.

What am I pressing into 2010? Wisdom, Divine wisdom from God the Father. Prophetic anointing and Healing. I wanna learn how to relate to others, how to be a friend and how to love others for who they are. All these can be very 'sian' but in the world out there, many are hurting. Would you love them for My sake?

11-12-09

This is a very weird date.

I'm going to China with my granny and the retreat that I was supposed to be in-charge of is starting in barely a week's time. At this crucial momet, I'm leaving for a "holiday". I feel bad and unfair to the people working on my behalf. I feel like I've neglected my responsibility as an intern. And the training that I was going to be involved in for the TMT, that is a very exciting part of my internship, but I'll miss it due to this trip.

Somehow all these feelings add up and I opened a Msn window typing these words in the message box:

Hey there, I Love you. Take care!

But I closed the window.

Maybe somethings were never meant to be and I just should let things take its own course. Sounds like my departure tomorrow is like my death. I wanted to do and say things before I regret never saying or doing them. I know I'm just being silly and I need sleep right now.

A letter of Love

I just finished writting her a letter. I felt like I couldnt wait anymore. I cannot and must not procrastinate and delay in sending that message of love out. That letter kept me awake. No mostly the sharp pain of what I now know did. I dont know the extend of her problems, but I hope its not six feet deep. I feel like I am now awaken to what is happening around me, things have come to a degree of sharpness. Lord whatever You are doing in my life, please continue to do. I will live a life of adventure with You till the day my head lay rest upon soil.

Love because I first loved you.

When God speaks

What I saw broke my heart. I dont even wanna talk about it. Sometimes what you observe can be true, but what your heart knows, its definitely real. Its even more so when you hear God speak, but then you brush it aside. Telling Him probably this can wait. However, this time it shouted at me. Love her, before its too late.

Circumstances happen for a reason and people make choices in whatever circumstance ther're in, right or wrong, those who have been around in one's life, has a hand in that choice made no matter what. Lord I wanna come through for her. My heart is shattered in a way it has never known and I have to make it known to her.

At this moment I am truely helpless. I know that only God can intervene. It humbles me to know that I can do nothing, but when I see it all change for the better, I know that its God and God alone who has done it. No matter what happens, I'll still praise and exalt His Holy name. My praises can never outshine His Glory and His Glory is not dependant on my worship.

Help me to love her as you commanded Lord. On my knees I humble myself to obey.

My Spirit Worshipped

You know I saw Bevan's msn nick saying "Quilala uses Breedlove..." and my curiousity got better of me and I went to google it. There were lots of videos and I thought, ok, just click on one. I happened to click on one that is "I exalt thee". One of my favourite hymns and as the video played and he sang, my spirit got excited and I was in worship. This isnt the first time a song has gotten me to feel this way, but I somehow lost the knowing of how to worship. This video/song brought me back to it. At that very moment, I wonder why I am still applying to go to Berklee? I should just get my 2nd diploma at SAE(Singapore) and then my degree in SAE(Queensland) and from then go to Jesus culture at Bethel and probably end off will some internship in New life church for half a year and come back to Singapore to work, as a pastor or an audio engineer.

My passion was stroked aflame hearing the song. I know the heart of a worshipper, I heard it in that video. I'm so burdened to take the plunge or go the safe way. Oh Lord, only you can help me make this decision.

In anycase, I just picked my sister up and send her home. You wanna know what pissed me off the most, its how much she doesnt know how to love herself. I'm done being my alter ego of a closet beng. Its time I lay my life down all for Jesus.

Its Official

I LOVE KOREAN GIRLS!!!

Not those on tv dramas, but real life korean girls.

Oh crap. I used to think that they are all fake cause of the popularity of plastic surgery in Korea, but I'm glad that there are many out there who are not living in Korea and are still as pretty as ever!!!

And they can sing really well. Wanna know a way to my heart, sing for me girl...

And the more 'Ah lian' they look, the more I like.

Oh my gosh, I've been bitten by a love bug. Youtube and I have a love hate relationship. Ah, dont even ask.

edited @ 3:38am.
Good night world, good night Jenny Suk, goodnight Sonia and Janice Lee. You girls makes me smile in my sleep :)

Letter to my Father

Hey Dad,

I wonder if there's wrong with life. I know that while I'm not living perfect, people who are living without you seems to be doing so much better than me. And you have the other kind of people who are living in your grace and are doing very well too. Is my lukewarmness causing me to fall in between? Often I feel at a loss as to what should I do. And I've begin to realise that I dont have friends I thought I had. I dont have a buddy group that hangout and do crazy things together. People who I've always regarded as my best friends do not happen to look at it the same way and yes I'm upset.

Perhaps I'm measuring success with the wrong measurements, maybe I dont see and dont know their sob story. But right now, where I am and with what I have seen, I see that life for them is sure and steady.

You ask me to count my blessings and name them one by one. Oh Dad, you have been too great and too awesome. If I begin to list them all down, it would take me 22years. Yet again, then why am I feeling so down and lowly? Why I feel that life is going in the wrong direction for me?

I seem to be in the story of talents. The master gave one 10, another 4 and another 1. I know I'm not the one that is with 1, though sometimes I am really lazy and I just bury my talents cause I dont strive to make it any more/better. But I know often I am the one with 4 talents. I wonder, in that parable, how did the one with 4 talents felt. No matter what he did, the one with 10 would always have more than him. Before doing anything, he has 6 more. When both work hard at their talents and had reaped 2 folds, the one with 10 talents has now 12 more than the one with 4 talents. Did the one with 4 talents often look up and felt inferior and then become like the one with 1 talent, burying all he has and then walk away?

Whenever I watch Youtube, I feel like the one with 4 talents. There are so many people with talents out there. What would make me succeed? At 23, there are some who can sing so well and play the guitar also. At 23, there are some who write so well that their books are reprinted over and over again. And I at 23 have nothing to my name.

I really hope that my thoughts of becoming a worship pastor would not be a safety net I have cast for myself to feel better. I really Hope that its from you and that you have called me to be. I know that your plans are perfect even though now I cant see it, that is why you tell me often to have faith. Faith is believing in things that cant been yet seen. Oh Lord, I know I am now wallowing in self pity, something I must not do as its the devil's way of putting me down. I am born to rock! Teach me what to do Dad, guide me to make the right decisions. I wanna be just like you. I wanna follow in your legacy. I know time is not a factor for you as you have eternity. Change my value of success and my value of wealth. Change my view to what life really means. Let me know that you value Character and love above all things else. And no matter how bad life seems, you would always always love me still.

Love,
Vin

Words in my head

I just realised that if I blogged each time I thought of something in my head, my blog would be a fairy tale of my life. The life I want it to be, where everything is just so perfect for the moment and its where all fantasy came true.

Like being with the girl I love, being fit and good looking, being able to capture every moment in stills with her, hugging her till she sleeps, stay by her when she's sick and share her joy when she has done well.

I'm feeling love sick. No idea why. Feeling like I just wanna do nothing and be with her. I asked God a million time who is it, is it her? But never seemed to get an answer and never felt safe enough to take the plunge. Right now, no one else seems to be able to compare with her even if I tried. They may be better than her in some aspects, but at the end of the day, I know who I wanna go home to.

Is this the problem of sleeping late? Late nights makes me think of silly stuffs. Sometimes I choose to take the shortcut, so that I can ease the uncomfortable feeling, only to regret a thousand time over later. How stupid ya? Yet I do it again and again.

Some revalation

I think we all affect one another in ways we never know. Once you are in a group/tribe/fellowship, you affect people without knowing. Its a way of knowing what's going on in each other's life and also a way we grow together. I think its time to put off bumming. We need to stay close to the word, exercise and experience the Spirit and begin to grow. To Christ be the Glory!

Random Ramble

She is not exactly dream girl, but she's so attractive that I'm hooked. She aint a beauty, though I'm a beast, but she has an X factor that I cannot resist. Her character and personality as won me over and I loved they way she smiles at me. I felt stupid for that one time I said that I liked her but dare not admit it when she asked cause I was afraid of how things would have turned out then. How foolish of me to toy with her feelings, this incident I'll never forget. She's just so friendly to everyone, and I cant help feeling that she like me too sometimes right? Every now and then as I look at her photos, I'm inspired to write a song about how she has affected me. Looking at her gives me a good vibe, melodies and words just spring out from no where right into my head. She is very creative too. I loved the way things looked from her point of view. She draws really well, probably a natural talent where art is concern. She is good fun too, crazy, rebellious and wild, she satisfy that wild side of me. But she is domestic as well, I believe she can whip up a decent meal if she wants too. She dresses in a way that suits my eye, especially a style I cant resist taking a second look. She may not have all that I want in a girl, but in her own rights, she is perfect. Perfect enough for me. But alas, she is already taken. Something I might just live to regret. Oh why do I always seem to like lil Miss Popular?

Personality Test

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Same Quiz, but a tweak a few answers and here is the secondary side of me.

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education
You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Passions

Can there be too many/too much passions? I'm just thinking about it all. Would I have the time to do all that I want to and at the same time not neglecting God? Would my passions consume me and burn me out? Can my interest and passion bring bread to the table? Yea, I have a lot of questions and I dont know many answers to it.

I was just looking at this great female luthier's website and it stunned me at the price of her guitar. It is a whopping USD16,000!!! And there I was saying that there isn't much money to be made out of being a luthier. Maybe she is based in Canada and she is rather famous now so she can charge this kinda price. I wonder how much would my guitars cost next time when I try selling it. Perhaps the Singapore market is too small, but I wont be surprised by what God can do. And I pray that He would approve of my passions.

Music, Production, Luthier. Each would cost me a lot of money. It'll be acquisitions after acquisitions, a never ending story, much like chasing for the things of this world. Would it all count for naught? Of which, none of these I can bring to heaven and the only thing that I can bring is a heart of worship and the close relationship I have with Him.

I dont know. Seems like I got it all planned out and fired up for. Will these all come to pass?

Mariè Digby

I am so in love with her right now. She as good as she is in studios or in live performances! Though the venue is lousy and the waiting time a crazy thing, it was all worth it when she started singing and then had an autograph/photo taking session with us fans! She is 100% real, no lip-sync and she plays the guitar well.

I am mesmerised. I mean she is all that I look for in a girl, she is very very pretty (I like girls who are mixed blood), she has a sweet voice ( and she is able to sing very well) and she plays the guitar (its a Gibson Humming Bird Modern Classic)!!! That is why I am so attracted to her. She inspires me to write songs man, seriously.

This is the closest I've gotten to a celebrity who's so friendly that she talks to you, gives you a hug, takes a picture with you and signs poster, CD covers all at the same time. I think her personality has won many over.

I was even bold enough to ask her if I could go on tour with her some day! and she replied with a Yea, sure! :D

You know, at this moment now I feel really bad. I felt like I betrayed God cause I'm idolising someone else. I dont wanna give excuses, but this is kinda mixed cause I'm also in love with her. Ok for an example, if this is a Jay Chou concert, that would be idolising, its really admire + more. But somehow, I am not drawn to worship them like I would with God. I wont bow on my knees before them. If I have to renounce them I would, cause they may be a name today but forgotten tomorrow. Jesus and the Bible have been around for thousands of years already. And I really know God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, I have a relationship with them and they are above all in my life. So I hope that is clear enough about where I stand in this.

Putting all that aside, I really am looking for a girl like Mariè Digby and who loves Jesus and knows that God the Father loves her very very much. Oh Lord, is this too much to ask for?

To me, its just another day, really.

I didnt think about/feel like blogging until like 5mins ago. Why? Cause as I was looking through some youtube videos and wondering what's next in my life I felt something different.

Watching the videos, I felt like I wanna buy another guitar. Why? Cause I want something that is like vintage. Think Gibson Humming Bird True Vintage VOS. But the price is hefty, so while I was thinking about how much it would have me to save up, another thought came into my mind.

Yes, career. What job would I be doing? I seriously need a job to keep up with my dream of having a collection of guitars. Diverting a little, here's my dream. One Martin(of which model I have not yet decided), one Taylor(probably a fall limited adirondack top with cocobolo back and sides), one mcpherson(full walnut body) and one Gibson Humming Bird True Vintage VOS. Probably 2 electric guitars and one tama drumset, a Korg keyboard. This could probably look like my home studio gear setup, but this is just the instruments. Recording gears arent in yet!!! O-M-Gosh!

Thinking about all these just got me nervous and anxious about my future and the career that I need. Yes, I might not need everything, its a want, but still... I'm getting torn between that dream and God's reality for me.

So with career and thinking about my immediate future which is my studies, I'm just thinking about where to enroll in and how long before I graduate and find a job. Which led to thinking about marriage and then girlfriend. How much money to save up for marriage and all that. Thinking about all these I realise that dating at 22 isnt too young when I hope to be married before 30.

I am really having a lot of thoughts going through my head at 1237 in the morning. All thanks to my afternoon nap that went on for too long. Oh well!

In anycase, Happy 22nd to myself. Its just another day for me, really. I dont need to celebrate and party away every birthday.

Just a new guitar, a loving girlfriend and a secure job is all that I wish for now. This aint too much isnt it Dear Father?

Love and what it does

Love... it does a million (gazillion as Clare would say it) things to you.

Love cause you to do crazy things. When you're in love, you wanna do anything for the person. You wanna give her anything she asks of, you would even try to grab the stars that are out of reach for her. You'll do anything to make her feel special and to see her smile.

Love cause you to feel like you could die in place of the other person. It causes you to go through thick and thin with another.

Love causes you to leave your comfort zone and go to places where no one else would, just to reach out to the less fortunate.

Love, that is from God covers a multitude of sins. That is why Christ died.

And what Ps. Eng Kiat is doing in Thailand is out of the Love God has lavished on Him that he wants to show God's love to the people there. Yet people still reject the love that he gives which take time and life out of him, something that he could have spent with his family. Nevertheless, I know he never stopped loving.

Love of a family of believers is amazing as well. The Love gift WanHsi received blew her away. And we really love and act out of love for one another because we have experienced the love that God has given us. I really do embrace the love that this group has given me. Especially from my God-parents and my new elder God sister. They believe in me and in what God would do through me. As for the other members, I can freely share the Godly love with them because of what I have received, all of the above and also from my earthly parents and family who treats me with this much love.

I'm feeling much loved. By everyone around and by God the Father. He loved me too much to let be just like that. And you if you think that I'm typing this only because I am falling in love, thats only like 10% of the reason. God is love. And that is why Love never fails!

Its what the Lord has done for me

Its been almost a month since I last blogged and so much seemed to have happened in this short period of time. In all honesty, I dont know what to say, how to begin and all I wanna do now is Praise God.

Thank you Jesus for redeeming me and making all my sins count for naught when Your blood has wash it all from me. Thank you Jesus that there is power in Your name and that You have gone to the Father that I may do greater things than that while You were on earth. Thank you Holy Spirit from empowering me and teaching me what to say or what to do. Thank you for helping to make my connection with God the Father so much clearer and easier. Thank you Holy Spirit for making me so sensitive to the Spiritual realm that though those evil things scares me, I can find courage in You. Thank you Father God for everything. From the begining of my life till now, I Thank you that I have always been on Your mind and whatever that I have thought of or think of, You knew it already and You have always given me more than I can ask for. If there is one thing that I would like to do, it would be to give You back all the Glory and Honour that others has seen in me.

TMT '09 has been an eye opening trip for me. To see deliverance first hand and healing first hand is so exciting. What's more exciting to me is the relationship that God has developed with me. The song that I used to sing when I was younger has become alive in me. The title of the song is "He lives" and it goes like this, "...He talks to me, and walks with me, along life's narrow way..." There are so many events that happened and all of these testimonies are the reminders of God's love and mercy upon His people. I really want to compile all the events and testimonies in my life and organise them in a chronological manner, but that would take a really long time. I hope someday I would have time to do so and when my life is over, I can count my blessings and name them one by one. Giving thanks and praise to God.

As I get activated in all senses, first was prophersy with Sarah, then worship/prophetic worship with Wan Hsi, deliverance with Watchman/Wan Hsi, my Spiritual senses are heightened and I feel tinkles in my hands and feet! Probably thats why Wan Hsi jerks when she prays or when she is 'downloading' from God. Its the same kind of feeling and its not controllable I assure you. It feels like static to me and I know when something is happening in the Spiritual realm.

In this trip God restored one friendship. I know its on the way to recovery and I continue to pray and ask God to seal what He has done so far. God also gave me what I was looking for all along. An elder sister. I am the oldest in my family and I am always looking for someone to look up to. Someone who can listen and advise me on what to do. During the first session where Wan Hsi was sharing on the Father's love, I was praying for the children and as I was praying for them, Father God spoke to me. And then I caught Wan Hsi's eyes and as she walked up to me I asked her if she would be my 'Da Jie'. She asked me why and I told her that being the eldest I usually have no one to look up to and that I have been looking to the wrong people for advise. I really want someone to talk to and someone who would give me advice that are in line with God's principle. I really admire her as my older sister and seriously, we share quite a fair bit in interest (Guitar, electronics, and more to find out...)

So much has been happening in my life. There are some parts that I am not even blogging cause it would have been too long to put it all here. And as I journey with God, I know that my desires are getting inline with His plans as they keep changing to be more God centred that self centred. Travelling worship pastor was what I wanted to do during a session in YAYA camp '09 with Sarah. And God has shown me in this TMT '09 how worship can be used in deliverance. He put a question and a desire in my heart about going to nations where its hard ground and invite His presence there. Not just places like KL or Bangkok, main city mega churches to lead worship in comfortable places, yes, there would be chances like this, but also to places where the only instrument is probably a guitar and voices singing. Would I go to the ends of the earth for His name sake?

Perhaps that is why my journey with God is meant to be adventurous. Along the way God changes my plan and He wants to see if I am able to trust and obey. Even if it causes me to be rejected by others and be in discomfort due to the lack of knowing what's next. Seriously, life with God is meant to be exciting and fun and encouraging and awe-inducing. I dont understand why Christians today look so glum and like knowing and loving God is such a difficult thing to do. I hope that my life would bring refreshing and inspiration to these people.

And on the last note, I hope I never ever forget what the Lord has done for me and to pray for nations that I've been to. I pray that God would keep bringing back memories of His good work that I may spur on for Him. The ultimate prize? His people. And my prayer for the Thais is that this fatherless generation would look to the Father God in heaven that they may receive that fullness of life that is in Chirst Jesus, with the fellowship of the Holy Spirit to enlighten them in their understanding of the Father's heart and to have the mind of Christ, which in turn empower them to do greater things than that which Christ has done while He was on earth. Amen!

Increased heart-rate

Why does my heart beat faster when I look at your pics? Can anyone tell me if the increase in heart beat usually mean that you are falling for that person? Oh my, what a time to be...

YaYA Camp 2009!

AWESOME!

That's what I can say of the YaYA camp '09. God is working so greatly in our church that I am so amazed at all that has happened. It wasn't just the programme that made the camp so good. It wasn't just the speakers who came to minister to us. It wasn't just the people who came that made it so good. GOD WAS WITH US ALL THE TIME. That's what made the camp so incredible. His perpetual presence that lingered in our church caused so much to happen.

I have so much thanks to say in here. Thanks to the committee that ran the camp. Thanks to the church for so graciously allowing us to use it as a camp venue. Thanks to the KL people who are so crazy for God and to hear Sarah and to have fellowship with us that they came all the way here to join us! They made a difference! Thanks to my group members so are so great that Heyyyy, we won most of the stuffs! Thanks to the other campers who came. You know, thank you everyone who came. Even if you did nothing, being part of this whole camp made a difference.

I am so happy that Sarah and Wan Hsi came to minister to us. They spoke things that really empower us to live as supernatural christians. Sarah took us through a time of coming to God naked, then she told us what we should live out in our lives, she showed us that our motivation for doing should be out of love and Wan Hsi's session of prophetic worship BROKE THE CHAINS OF BONDAGE! After her session I felt so REFRESHED! It was like SOZU( I think ). I have been so blessed. Far beyond what I came to seek.

Sarah and Wan Hsi did a session that really excited me tremedously. Today we were taught about angels. And I know I can roughly see them. I never knew that it would be that easy, just trusting my imagination. I am so excited. I am going to ask God how many angels do I have and I am going to ask other to confirm that for me.

Last but not least, I thank God for bringing me through a time of greater anointing. A week ago, I couldn't worship at all. I tried to play through the list I planned but nothing seems right. I ask others to cover me in prayer and I kept trying. Everything seems so wrong. Then I scraped that list. And changed it to something else. At practise it was ok, and I was gaining my confidence back. On Sunday, many told me how minister they were but my leading and I could only thank God and give Him the Honour.

I thought, thank God I managed to get my act back together, but God told me, I took away your ability to worship just to see what you would do. I was more interested in worship and music than I was in Him and that was a test to see what I would do. Thank God for His grace. I seeked Him and He gave me grace to do what I was called to do. But He did remind me that if I went back to loving music and worship more than Him, He would take my ability away again.

Oh by the way, He changed my calling. I am not going to be a full time sound engineer. That is just a skill set and interest. He wants me to be a travelling Worship pastor. Ministering to people all over the place. A heart for the Youths.
Yeah, something along that line. I AM EXCITED!

Cheater!

Ok, so for the last 5 days I've been attending Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry at COOS. The primary teacher for these 5 days is Kris Vallaton and he is really an anointed speaker/prophet/teacher. Loved the way he does this conference.

So tonight was his last night and he needed to catch a 3am plane so he leaves early and hands the session to his co partner and teacher for week 2, Kevin. The guy who wrote the book on treasure hunt. Well, anyway, he told a story about a girl who looked 60+ even though she was only 30+. This was due to the fact that her kidneys had failed and she is waiting for a transplant.

So this lady wanted to be healed very badly but she was told by her elders in her church that because she signed up on the list to be in wait for a kidney transplant, God was unhappy with her and she would never be healed by God.

When Kevin heard this, he shouted at her, NO WAY! God is more than pleased with you. The issue isn't if you signed up on that list or not. He loves you anyway! While talking to her, he gets a vision and he sees God laugh and dancing around her. So Kevin prayed and laughed while praying for her. She then started shouting, "I'm on fire! I'm on fire! Fan me! Fan me!"

It was as if she was burning so fiercely that she suddenly jumped out of her seat and starting running round the hall saying, I'm healed! I'm healed. This so amazing because for the last 3 years, she has been bed-ridden due to her kidney failure. She needed help to sit and get up. Here she is now, jumping up from her seat and started running around the hall yelling I'm heal! I'm heal!

When she went back to see her doctors, they were perplexed because they wondered how she has gotten a new kidney when her name was on the list and she hasn't been in there yet for a transplant! Now there was not just one doctor who checked and confirm that it was a new kidney. 4 doctors did the same thing and got the same result!

As I listened to that testimony I told God in my mind,

Me: You cheated!
God: I didn't.
Me: You did. You gave her a new kidney and confused all the doctors.
God: I'm not a cheater. I am the Creator. I made her a new kidney just because I can.
*Smirks at me*

I laughed at His explaination. How great is my God whom I worship and love. He does things just because He can and becuase He loves me. I just cant imagine how much more would He lavish on me just because He can and because if I can think about it, He has to do much more, as He promised. My God is the God of the Impossible. I love Him.

Randomness

I do like Js, I seem to find one almost everywhere I go. I even talked to one just minutes ago. I need sleep now. Please win Barcelona!

KL Mission Trip 2009 - Testimony

I believe that the team would agree with me that KL Mission Trip 2009 was beyond AWESOME!

There we met God. There we worshipped God. There we ministered to others. There we prophesy. There our lives were changed.

I thank God that I was part of the team there and I thank Henry and Sarah who lead us.

I was ministered to by Sarah the first night I met her. Her prophesy encouraged me to continue my walk with God and to be prepared to impact the lives of others. She even bolldly claimed that we will all prophesy by the end of the trip. The preparation part was important and I thank Henry for making us read all the Gospel of Mark, his mission essay, slavary to sonship by sarah yang and treasure hunt. All these preparation gave me the ammunitions that I needed over there in KL.

God's goodness began when I felt His prompting to ask for anointing from my spiritual leaders, Henry and Sarah. After I did that, I began to have accurate prophesies and prayed for anointing over 2 people. As He anointed me and activated my gifts, I grew bolder and prayed for more people. The practical sessions that Sarah led gave me even more courage as what I prophesy was not only accurate but encouraging, edifying and comforting! I also asked Wan Hsi, Sarah's partner in this trip to anoint me as I looked up to her as my spiritual leader in this trip. After that when I led worship for saturday night, I felt so peaceful and calmed that I led as if I was alone in my room worshipping God. I felt God's presence so strongly that I didnt want to stop worshipping.

The highlight for me was on Sunday when we formed a fire tunnel to pray for the people in Antioch church. There God gave me so many prophetic words and images that I kept praying and prophesying over the people. It was easily more than 10 people. I also anointed many and prayed for them for almost and hour.

The hospitality that Pastor Chris and his church members showed towards us is something I feel we can never reciprocrate. But their acts of kindness and love towards our team only showed me how great and generous our God is. He is indeed Jehovah Jireh, God our provider. Everything that happened in KL is something that I would never forget. The friendship bond, the experience with God, the accelerated spiritual growth and everything else, I will hold dearly in my heart. I am now living the life of a supernatural christian where its relational, not religious.

To God be the Glory!

A certain J

Well, my facebook quiz says that the person I am in love with has a name that starts with a G. I so dont believe.

In anycase, today, I went to certain DBS branch just to try my luck. The last time I went there I saw her and she was the 'One' kinda girl and I knew it deep within me. Besides, I have a thing for girls who wear braces. I'm very sure she did though she wasnt wearing any now. Well today I went there again on the pretext that I wanna change my ATM card. Lo and behold, there she was sitting behind the counter studying. I felt embarrassed that I was tall enough to look over the counter and see her scrambling to bookmark the page and keep her highlighter. She was reading some principle on basic insurance policy or something like that.

She looked different from the last time I saw her. Then she was wearing contacts, very working class lady-like manner. Today, she was bespectacled with a sequined hairband. More like a school girl doing part time. She's pretty cute, really, pretty and cute combined into one. As I walked in she had this guilty look of being caught studying as I reach the counter. I waited for her as she packed her stuff to attend to me. and I told her my request to which she promptly executed.

It was all done in less than 10 minutes I think and I didnt know what else to say to prolong our conversation. I had no self confidence and courage to ask her out or something. Maybe its because both times I went there I was in my uniform. Right now, I am thinking of how to get back there to talk to her again. Maybe inquire about opening an account for investments or something. Anything so that I have business to be there. Maybe I should apply for a part time job there. And by the way, her name starts with J. I like Js :>

To God be the glory!

I thank God for the community of members who have been so encouraging. I thank God for answering my prayers. I thank God that when I dont feel nervous when I ought to it is because His peace has surrounded me. I thank God that even when I screw up, things still go on smoothly cause I have an amazing team that is backing me up. I thank GOd that this doesnt feel as intimidating as it should be because He has given me enough time to get ready. I thank God that He has placed models for me to follow that I might find ease as doing this. I thank God for this opportunity to honour Him in this manner. I thank God because without Him, this is not possible.

To God be the Glory!

Star dazed

This is the closest I've ever been to some celebrities, eating in the same shop as them! Well, I was kinda excited, yes, but not crazy la. They were sitting at a table next to mine.

They aren't the hottest new stars, of whom, would probably have ton of journalist/ paparazzi following them all over the place. But they are stars in their own rights. So this very night I met Pan Lingling and her husband (I forgotten his name), Huang Biren and an old actress whose name I do not remember or perhaps even know (though she is very famous).

I reckon that they were there having supper or dinner after the Star Awards event. In anycase, I know that Pan Lingling stay in my area cause I've seen her quite a few times in Thomson Plaza already.

I think its quite a bliss to be a celebrity in Singapore because you get to eat supper at a common shop in peace! I can't imagine if you're in HK or US, always being hounded by some paparazzi.

In all truth, they look just as good as they are on TV and in real life. And no, I'm not star crazy or hungry to meet celebs. I bum into them rather often (reads: Singapore is really small). I saw melody chen just 2 days ago in Orchard. So yea, its not that a rare sight anyway. Just felt excited(xing fen) to be able to see them in real life thats all (to see if they are really that good looking or its the make ups and effect on TV).

A sudden realization

If I were asked what is my favourite genre of music, I would say Classical. Not the kind like Bach or Mozart, etc, but those songs with Lyrics and is played backed up by an Orchestra.

Imagine movies with EPIC soundtracks. Something like August Rush. Where the piece played is something like modern classical, if there is such a thing.

I wonder if I'll ever compose a movie soundtrack like this. I wonder if I would even have the chance to be able to learn music in a level so extreme like this.

Music

I dont know how music touches you... It more than once made me cry. I really want to study music at Berklee. In all honesty, its not totally for God. Its for my love for music. Pop tunes, rock, R&B, house/trance, I enjoy them all.

But at the end or at the heart of it all, I want to be able to use this knowledge or ability or talent to minister to others. Equiped with the knowledge of songwriting or composing I can write songs that touch the others of others. For me that is my worship and when others hear it, I pray that it might catch on for them and lead them into their own time of worship with God.

Or as a musician, I would be able to play and sing out the composition and use the powerful lyrics and music to minister to other, helping them draw nearer to God. In any case, worship is personal, no matter what I do can make others worship, the person must make a choice, but I can help lead and help create the mood, atmosphere, pointing the congregation to Christ.

I want to be a better musician, to enjoy music. To write or play good music. Its a thin line between good music and good worship. But my heart is for God. Deep within me, I need God. I yearn for Him always.

I just have a wish, send me to Berklee please?

The Last straw?

Never imagined myself to be so bothered by it. No, I'm sure im not in love(thats far too strong a word for this) but I'm bothered cause I find myself a friend. Perhaps when I said it I didnt think through what came out. It just did. It bothered so much that was what occupied my head for the rest of my day.

What went wrong and caused it to happen, I dont know. Something did, something sore deep within.

I could blame the last few days of shit that happened, I could shift the responsiblity and shrug it off, but I wont. Not to this friend and not to this situation. I am going to take full responsibility of this cause this friend and I are often so tight, but there are many things that I have buried within me, the hidden irritations that I dont want to say it cause there is always a rightful answer behind all my accusations.

Yet, I wonder what I should do. Is this a Me thing, where only I see it and feel irritated? If so, then I must do something about it. To appreciate the person as God's creation. To see chirst in that person. Or perhaps its not just me.

I hate this part of life, when it turns sour.

Emo...

I'm feeling freaking emo right now.

They are a cute couple together. What he did was very sweet. I agree, no doubt, but I dont think I can take in all in when I'm alone. Its not like I couldn't do something like that for someone, its just that THERE IS NO ONE I WANT TO DO IT FOR! Feels like everything is going down, as though I have no more reasons to live for.

Then I look to another. Well, that one is taken too. But every now and then I get a dose of what I thought was love but its nothing more than just being friendly/civil. She being nice kills me. And what a partner to get in a game, its like God's pratical joke. Just that I know He wouldn't take it out on my fragile heart like this.

The Spirit is hungry, but the flesh and the mind is weak. Weak in taking in and mediating on His words. Weak in self control. The Spirit wants to soar with Him, but the body is too heavy.

I'm tiring myself out for no reason. Lost the motivation to work or anything in that matter of fact. I'm not depressed or losing it, but just feeling FREAKING BUAY SONG!

Tsk Tsk

Yes yes, I know, I know.

Call me dumb;

call me damn retarded la;

call me careless;

call me kan cheong spider.

But it wasnt totally my fault. The fellow from Berklee gave me the wrong info also!!!

Anyway what happened is that I felt that there was something wrong when they replied me that they did not have my records for any auditions and so I went back to the website to check again. There I found my mistake.

Auditions/Interviews for Spring(January) Semester 2010 will commence from April through August.

Ok. So there, I think I need not worry anymore. God will seriously provide, His plan is perfect. There's no doubt.

Any besides being the above, at least there were some nice comments like:

" He's giving you this one big time period to go practise and get more skillzz. "

" Start praying earlier is good. "

and the most classic of it all:

" That's a good mistake :D "

That is the funniest of it all. Thanks Uncle Henry! But through this and everything, I see God's hand in my life. Paving the way, putting everything together and even when I'm so worried and anxious, He helped me see my mistake and have a good laugh at it. Thank you Lord. You are indeed an Amazing God.

Ramble Ramble

Some things that happened today:

1) Worship in the YA today was rather good. I enjoyed playing and I felt that everyone did very well.

2) Dan Tan and Caleb Lai attempted to do a Hillsongs medley. I must say they sounded quite good. It was a very good attempt seriously.

3) Busted my lunch fast by eating at Soup Spoon. I think I wont eat there again soon cause I don't really like it anymore. Its losing its novelty to me.

4) Bought macarons from Bakerzin. They are lovely man. Thanks to Darius for the discount.

5) Walked around town. Yawn.

6) Went to buy Joyce's new HTC touch 3G @ Starhub. Met Cass's JC friend.

7) Dinner at Eastern Restaurant. The food there is nice. Above average. And there goes my fast for the day. And we met Shaun Tan there!

I actually don't know why I'm blogging this. Its just pure ramble. But I need to say some thing, Like blog something cause at this moment, the notice for Berklee's audition is not yet in and I am beginning to be anxious. Oh God please help!

Cross my fingers and Pray for the best

This is an amazing story but I dont know how it would end and I am doing as the title says, crossing my fingers and praying for the best.

Well, last friday I was given half day off unexpectedly and I managed to get all the documents that I need for my university application. This week I tried to swap my friday duty for another weekday, but it was so difficult I gave up. Then I had to fall ill on tuesday and after seeing the doctor, he gave me 2 days of MC which would end this thursday. Yesterday, the letter that I have been waiting for, came in 2 day in advance. All these adds up to allow me to send in these documents to Berklee in hopefully 6 days time. And the audition team is going to be in KL on the 11th which I hope would be just in time for the documents to be there and all. This friday I am on duty, which meant that if the letter came in one day late, I would have missed it all.

Now that all that is done, I am worried because the university has not emailed or contacted me about the audition details. I wonder if I still have the chance to apply for the school or not. And if I do get an audition slot, how fast can I get a ticket to KL, and where to find the cash?! Would all these be a wasted effort?

Up till now, I can only thank God for His grace in putting everything togheher. And I see His hand in everything relating to this university application. As for what comes after, I am very excited and anxious at the same time to see the outcome. Will I get to study in one of the most prestigious college of Music? After all, He has always been in charge and His resources and ways are far beyond my imagination.

As for me, I'm Crossing my fingers and Praying for the best.

3 trees

I'm begining to be EMO again. Why? cause after watching August Rush, I cant help but have the song kept going through my head and the song's lyrics are so emo. So much about love and finding the one you love. And the actors are so good at expressing the hurt they are going through. With Keri Russell as the lead actress, I liked the show even more cause she is so pretty!

But anyway, today, I just want to journal this down cause I read it off another journal and I felt that this simple story tells me that my dreams and perspective might not be the same as God's and though in the eyes of others it may seem to be the worse ending, it might be the greatest thing that might just be happening to you.

3 Trees.

Once there were 3 trees growing up together in a forest. Over the years the trees grew up to be tall and strong trees, towering over the all the other trees in the forest.

So one day they shared with one another about what they dreamt to become in the future.

The first tree said, " I want to be the biggest treasure chest in the world. Where lots of gold and silver and precious stones are kept in."

The second tree said, " I want to be the grandest ship in the world. Where kings and nobles travel in around the world.

The third tree said, " I want to become the tallest structure in the world. I want to close the gap between heaven and earth."

All of them had great dreams and ambitions but as the wood cutter came, he chopped them all down and sold them to be made.

The first tree was made into a manger to hold foul smelling pig's food. But on a certain special day, it held baby Jesus when there were no other place for Him to be laid upon.

The second tree was made into a fishing boat to endure tough seas and holding loads after loads of smelly fishes but Chirst sailed in this very boat with His disciples.

The third tree was made into a cross where criminals were crucifed as a punishment but this very cross held Jesus till He breathe his very last breath.

All the trees became what they desired to be. Not in the way the world see it to be.

The first tree held the precious Lord Jesus. More prescious than that of Gold or Silver or stones that could ever be found.

The second tree had the Kings of Kings and the Lord of Lords sailed in it with the disciples of Jesus. Now that is better that the Kings and nobles of this world.

And the third tree that wanted to be the tallest of all to close the gap between heaven and earth, became the cross where Christ died, Whose death saved the entire world and became the way to Heaven. Closing the gap between heaven and earth

So no matter what your dreams may be, your life may not seem to be like it till you see it as God does. His plans are good and perfect. He will never short change you, He will provide for all your need.

August Rush

I've just finished watching August Rush as the expense of my sleep, though I reckon tomorrow would almost be a nothing-to-do day again.

I am really amazed at the story of how a young boy is so determined to find his parents. His belief in music that it could bring him back to the one who gave it to him really struck a chord with me.

For me, music brings me back to the One who gave me music, God. Not just any music but worship songs. Songs that speak about God and was written by people when the Holy Spirit inspired them to. That's what makes worship songs different. It calls you back to the One who inspired them to be written.

Just like the show, Evan Taylor's "August Rhapsody" brought not only his parents back together, it also brought them to him as well. Its a story that I really enjoyed and I really relate to each of the characters in the show at different parts of their screen life.

I know I am no prodigy. I cant touch an instrument and play whatever I hear in my head. I cant translate that onto the instruments. Yes, I might have many melodies in my head, but I cant remember them after humming them out. But I feel the draw to be immerse in music.

Beyond that, I like to write music, compose them when the Holy Spirit inspire me to. So that the music that is played would then draw others to God and not to me, for God inspired it all. Its a tool I know I can use to draw other to Christ.

As I watched the show earlier, I imagined what if I was Evan Taylor conducting the Orchestra. I imagined myself giving credits to the Orchestra as it reaches the last few bars of the piece and then walk off the stage, join my parents and exit the park. As the Orchestra comes to the end of the piece, they would stand to receive a standing ovation from the audience, enjoying the appreciation that they so well deserve. And as for me? I don't need the fame or recognition of a brilliant composer, I just want to be found by my parents.

I pray that in the same way, if I ever reach to a point that I become someone well known, I want to be able to walk off that stage and give the Glory to my Father in heaven. I dont need the fame or the glory, I just need to be His child.

Rainbows!

On my way home from work today I saw a double rainbow. One was above the other. The lower one was bolder in colour whereas the upper one was rather faint. I didnt usually took this route home from work, but since I was accompanying my friend home, I changed my route of travel.

As I see the rainbow, I am reminded of Noah's story. God used a rainbow to symbolise His everlasting covenant with Noah. And I thought, is God showing me the same thing? And its a double rainbow, so what is He double confirming? As I walked towards my house, I thought of my application and I wonder if God was telling me not to worry as He has an everlasting covenant with me.

I am excited as I begin this lent fasting and praying and seeking God. I am sure He will begin to show me more of Himself and His kingdom. How often does one get to see a rainbow, lest it be a double one! I pray God will help me to gain more understanding of this rainbow and what He is about to do in my life and in the church.

Sent my hope...

I've done it.I sent in an online application for Berklee's College of Music online on the 210209. I applied for the 2010 Spring Semester. I decided to do it cause the audition for entry and scholarship application starts in March and I better not waste time waiting for something to happen. I prayed and sat through the long application. It had 3 sections of many parts that I had to fill up. I took 5 minutes break in between some parts simply because it was very long or it needed a long answer.

I am thankful to God that I have managed to contact the right people and get the right information to apply for this school. Though funds are an issue now, let me not worry about it but pray consistantly about getting into the school first. I can worry about my funding after I actually get accepted. I am very excited about when I am going for the audition. Everything seems to be on my own, but I feel safe cause I know God is with me through it all. In my insecurity, I find peace in what I did.

Yesterday I asked my God ma to help me send out a prayer request for my audit. I felt that I needed a community to pray with me, alongside with me, even as I pray and petition for a good grading for my audit. I am worried cuase I feel very unprepared. Even with the number of OTs and preparation I've done, I still felt very uncertained about what was to happen.

Today, I give thanks to God who is faithful and beyond my understanding. Not only did I pass the audit, but there were no findings! I couldnt believe it. I thought, surely somewhere, somehow, there should be a fault. But God answered the very prayer I utterd. I prayed, Dear Lord, please make the auditors blind to the errors and fault. Let me get pass this audit smoothly. And there He answered my prayers.He really made the auditors blind to the errors commited. There was this one page with a few missing numbers, I spotted it but the auditor didnt and he just flipped passed it without realising the error!). My faith has increased in my God who is able to do much more than you asked for!

I also fasted for this audit. My mum was the encouraging factor. In the morning she smsed me saying that she would be praying and fasting for my audit. And so I decided to fast for this aduit as well (Thank God again for the good timing as my audit was in the afternoon, giving me enough time to fast and pray). There is really power in prayer and fasting. Though you may not know it when you are going through the test, but after it all, the peace, the ease of going through the test will suddenly make you realise that there is a supernatural presence that enabled you through it. I was amazed at the ease of the process and the time it took altogether.

I thank God in being in charge of my life and the things that are happening around me. He took me back into His presence very timely and I intend to journey with Him through this time of lent to see His resolute toward the cross and His passion, that I might catch on and I pray that it would then lead me to have His compassion for His people, telling them that Jesus loves you.

What would all these mean?

Today 2 persons told me the one truth I dread to hear. But I thank God that He has given me excellent observation skills to know and see what is going on. That before the truth hits me, I am already prepared of what is to come.

One thing that I have told God was that no matter what happens to me in my life, I would not give up my faith or blame Christ.

I have given her up to God many times before. I've told God that taking her away wouldnt cause me to hate Him or cease to believe in Him. But I need to reconcil with Him about the vision that He has given me awhile ago. It had her and audio engineering and AG Home in one vision. I was something about He has put these desires in my heart and He will seal it with the Holy Spirit.

If one doesnt seem to come to pass, would it mean that all of it wouldnt since they are all from the one same vision?

I wonder what it is all about. Sometimes I think that the result of these all is because I ceased to be close to God. I've stopped reading His word for a while. Why, I dont know. Maybe cuase I felt sian or not worthy to continue since I'm sinning all the time. I dont know. I really dont. I thank God that we are saved by grace and not by works. However, we are told to WORK OUT our faith and I think this is what I have not been doing.

All along I know I have been a jack of all trade and master of none. I can do many things but I'm not pro at it. Some things I am almost pro but many others I'm just average. I can hold out while you look for a pro-er person to take my place.

I wonder if I have to freelance all my life? I like to be a chef, a musician, a sound engineer, a worship pastor. I dont know where my life would take me to but I would go and do it IF only God said so. The only problem for me is that I dont know when God said YES! I might have missed it, or misread His signs and hints. I really dont know. This has been the hardest crossroad for me. Please lead me to where YOU want me to be?

I hope You O'LORD would lead me to Your Cross, let me kneel at Your throne once again. I dont wanna do anything else that would not satisfy my soul and rob You of Your Glory.

Random update

Its been a long while since I've last blog. It isnt that there is nothing going on, but I am just very lazy to put my thoughts into words and journalise it. There are many ups and downs and I cant say that my life now is living right.

Work is very busy and stressed at the moment as audits and exercises and ops are about to come. I've been clearing shit that has been accumulated over the years and fighting fire as things become more and more urgent.

Church has become like a stock market to me. Somedays high, other days lows, and sometimes it crashes. I like the teaching that is still going on in church. I feel that the teaching of God's word is very important. It keeps me rooted and reminded and thinking and the words just keep going round and round in my head. What really gets me down its the people. Sometimes I just dont wanna face them.

I feel lost in the world that I am living in now. I have to decide what paths I want to take. I keep feeling in adequate and I ask God to give me the gifts frist before I believe. This attitude of mine is just so terrible and utterly wrong. I should believe first and do, with or without the gifts, doing it for God. I am afraid to take the wrong step, but, God has shown me thus far that no matter what's wrong, He can always make it right.

And I've stopped thinking about my life partner, who ever shall be, will be. No point fretting. I give up. Oh Happy Valentine's by the way. A day that I've stopped remembering. I only remember it cause I received a well wishing SMS.

Just came back from watching the curious case of benjamin button and I quite like the show. Though it very long, I found it very interesting. Though the show portrayed a life that is a little too perfect to live in. But one can dream, cant they?

Decisions

Do I have to make such a huge decision now? Its unfair to me cause no matter what I say it would be wrong to you or to me. If I agree to what you wanted me to do, then it'll upset you that I'm not ready to take over, or that I'm not putting enough effort or that I'm not interested at all. If i told you my plans you'll be even more fed up cause I dont wanna do your business and then you go on a whole guilt trip about how hard it is earning money and now having to give the business to someone else. I dont know what to do. And even this answer seems to infurate you. So tell me now, dreams, reality or faith? I dont know which one to follow.

Random Rantings

Reality has just sinked in, a year has just gone by and past. Its exactly a month (as I just realised too) since I last blogged.

Oh well, 2008 has a lot going on. So much that a year went past without much realisation. I am surprised that there were so much activities that went on and I would like to have it recorded and watch it. But with that being said, I realise too, that much of it would have to be censored. There were many thing I did that were totally not to be mentioned. Yea, time of your life they say, do it young and dangerous, but I think that is enough. I'm not going to continue to live that way

Last year I thought many things would happen. Like lose a good deal of weight, shape up, get attached, get a second diploma, get a music theory, learn piano. There were so many plans that I wanted to do and achieve. But seems like nothing has been done. I know God has plans for me, plans to prosper me and make me the man He wants me to become. But my impatience has made me give up the suffering of waiting on Him. I just turn to the temptations of the wrold, for a quick relief.

At this moment now I feel like I have 3 loves. This is in terms of girls. I know 'hua xin' but its not. Its just I dont know!!! But I do have 3 loves, God, music and girls. Yea, sure its funny I wanna be good at something,something that I can be proud of, a speciality but I cant find one. I'm a jack of all trades, master of none. Maybe that is why I cant attract girls, *sigh*

I'm getting sick of the NS life too, hope it would pass by quickly. And after that? I would lose one excuse to use and then I gotta get on with life. Either studies or work. I've been thinking so much about it I'm tired of it already.

I find it weird that I am getting close to the people she has been in love with. Dan Tan and now Daryl. Both names start with D, ok lame, but what a coincidence. Daryl and I live near each other and maybe with that it could be the start of some friendship as we talk on the way home. She is the one always in my dreams and visions and all that. Who knows, maybe these friendship is to cushion the break ups? ok, I'm just kidding and thinking too much of myself.

And then there is the other. I wonder if its admiration or crush that I get so much attention from her, either way, I am begining to be infatuated, but I'm guarding cause I dont wanna get hurt. She's too young now and I know she is also a popular among others.

And I think I like pop queens. cause these girls that I like, they are really very friendly and popular among guys. This one is attached. But is just over friendly. My arguement is that, if God didnt say no, then its ok ;)Just wait and see?

I am glad that before this year ended, I manage to solidify my friendship with drew. I'm glad he felt inclusive now and that he see us really missing him around and that he is actually loving the attention he is getting from the girls, HA! But I'm glad that he is around and hope he gets some spiritual feeding by being around.

As the new year starts, there are things I wanna straighten and get back right. I am thankful for friends like Cass who stick right to the end. I am thankful for many things actually. Too much to list here. But I just thank God that He is always there for me.

I pray I rise up to be what God wants and has installed for me. I dont wanna miss my calling and do things that will never satisfy for the rest of my life. 2009, arise and shine. I pray that I might be the light to rise and shine.

After typing all these, I somehow feel like nothing much has change, its still the same girls and ambitions and God and I dont know what to do. Someone please knock some sense and sleep into me PLEASE!!!