Letter to my Father

Hey Dad,

I wonder if there's wrong with life. I know that while I'm not living perfect, people who are living without you seems to be doing so much better than me. And you have the other kind of people who are living in your grace and are doing very well too. Is my lukewarmness causing me to fall in between? Often I feel at a loss as to what should I do. And I've begin to realise that I dont have friends I thought I had. I dont have a buddy group that hangout and do crazy things together. People who I've always regarded as my best friends do not happen to look at it the same way and yes I'm upset.

Perhaps I'm measuring success with the wrong measurements, maybe I dont see and dont know their sob story. But right now, where I am and with what I have seen, I see that life for them is sure and steady.

You ask me to count my blessings and name them one by one. Oh Dad, you have been too great and too awesome. If I begin to list them all down, it would take me 22years. Yet again, then why am I feeling so down and lowly? Why I feel that life is going in the wrong direction for me?

I seem to be in the story of talents. The master gave one 10, another 4 and another 1. I know I'm not the one that is with 1, though sometimes I am really lazy and I just bury my talents cause I dont strive to make it any more/better. But I know often I am the one with 4 talents. I wonder, in that parable, how did the one with 4 talents felt. No matter what he did, the one with 10 would always have more than him. Before doing anything, he has 6 more. When both work hard at their talents and had reaped 2 folds, the one with 10 talents has now 12 more than the one with 4 talents. Did the one with 4 talents often look up and felt inferior and then become like the one with 1 talent, burying all he has and then walk away?

Whenever I watch Youtube, I feel like the one with 4 talents. There are so many people with talents out there. What would make me succeed? At 23, there are some who can sing so well and play the guitar also. At 23, there are some who write so well that their books are reprinted over and over again. And I at 23 have nothing to my name.

I really hope that my thoughts of becoming a worship pastor would not be a safety net I have cast for myself to feel better. I really Hope that its from you and that you have called me to be. I know that your plans are perfect even though now I cant see it, that is why you tell me often to have faith. Faith is believing in things that cant been yet seen. Oh Lord, I know I am now wallowing in self pity, something I must not do as its the devil's way of putting me down. I am born to rock! Teach me what to do Dad, guide me to make the right decisions. I wanna be just like you. I wanna follow in your legacy. I know time is not a factor for you as you have eternity. Change my value of success and my value of wealth. Change my view to what life really means. Let me know that you value Character and love above all things else. And no matter how bad life seems, you would always always love me still.

Love,
Vin