Its Sunday, again...

This is one of the worst day I have felt. I felt like dying. I felt really like dying.

In the morn, I woke up to find my Dad out of the house without me. So I asked her if she was driving to church and she said no. I bathed and change and took a cab to church. I didn't want to be late. Then in church I saw her van. I thought she didn't drive? Anyway nevermind. We played captain's ball during YA time.

Captain's ball was fun. Nice running around the field at noon. The sun was fabulous. I felt great. But while playing captain's ball, I wanted to be with her, but I never got to. I almost wanted to kill someone. The ball was lobbed to him, I charged for it, using all my strength and energy, I charged for it. I managed to intercept the ball but I suddenly decided to change my direction where I was moving to avoid hitting him. In the process I strained my ankle. It was painful to walk after. I played damn hard, I just wanted to have fun and smile. But I couldnt. Its sunday afterall.

So Lunch was at iguana. We were there to celebrate Cheryl's Day. I guess lunch was ok, probably the best time of the day. After lunch we went to starbucks at central. I felt really affected by alcohol and was feeling very very down.

After that I went to get my guitar strings from Davis and accompanied Joel to Funnan while she and him hanged out with sam. I felt myself in great pain. My heart was beating very weakly. I didn't have enough of vitamin G.

I've lost interest in most games. I don't want to play them. I just want her.

She was angry with me and that is why I'm feeling all the pain and hurt. I know it. Though at that time I really dont know what is going on, I know I'm feeling hurt by her. I've never felt or been this hurt. I wanted to be suicidal, I wanted to drown myself in alcohol. I wanted to be wasted and just numb all feelings. She made me jealous, its her vendetta for my childish acts. I was torn a part. Its like a broken glass that has been stepped on a million times by a high heel shoes.

Now it really seems like nothing will change. She'll be with him no matter what. There is nothing she can do. and I? I just want to do everything in my will to win her back. I dont know. I'm at my wits end. I'm at my lowest point in life.

I've never been so wreaked. I dont know how to give up someone whom you need. I dont know. I dont know how to love another with a heart that is reserved? At this moment now I'm much better caused I've talked to her. But before that, I was suffering so badly. Like my heart attached to a thousand needles attached to a thousand strings all pulling at the same time. Shattered and torn. I wanted to talk to her.

Even when we were playing CS, she went to the toilet, I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to hug her and make things right. I wanted to let her bite me and hope that she'll feel better. I wanted to do all these, but I knew I couldn't as I might create a commotion.

I cant help but notice a new ring each of them are wearing now. I've not ask and I've not said anything till now cause I dont wanna know. I'm feeling so so so damn bloody freaking shattered. WHY CANT I HAVE THE GIRL I REALLY LOVE? WHYYYYY!!??!?!?!?!?!

She's all I want and all I've ever needed. How Vin? live with the pain? She cant be yours, not unless the Lord says so. No good signs have been shown to you regarding her. So what? Pull away? are you willing to not see her? are you willing to not talk to her? are you willing to give her up? she is my very cause of JOY and Pain. Am I to be trained for long suffering? I dont know if this is in the wrong context.

You mean alot to me. I know its gonna be hard to live without you.