Limitless

He is limitless, Yes MY GOD is LIMITLESS!

Thats what its for...

God gave women a hymen because He wanted children to be born out of covenant so He provided the blood so the covenant could be ratified before the children were conceived. - KV

And so it is

I lie here in bed at 3:15am. 9hours away from my first class and 11hours away from my first exam this week. I am unprepared for this week's exam. All the prep work seem to be wasted. My mind cannot take in or absorb whatever that I have been trying to make it remember. I am at a loss. Never have I encountered something so hard. Its like everything I need to do I have to refer to my notes or having to try the sound before composing it. My head is in a mess. My drums skill is not on par with my level and my band class songs are not fully ready yet.

I travel yet again back to SG on the 3rd - 13th of Nov and right after that is the submission of projects and final exams. I am so NOT READY for this semester as it comes to an end. My mind is telling me to prepare for the worst, one more semester here in KL. Not that I really want to but I dont really have a choice if I fail any subject. I am so terribly scared that I need God. No, I dont say it as a plea for help, but that even from the beginning, I needed Him. It is a reiteration to tell myself that apart from Him I cannot do this.

I begin to wonder how or what motivates me? I am a very focused person (so I like to think). I do well when only one task is given to me. For example; if this whole semester I only have to do my drums and maybe Ear Training, I probably would do well. But then again, 2 subjects a semester would mean that I would take years to finish my studies. Or shall I just take everything and see which ones I fail and then repeat them? I hate the thoughts of failing or repeating,but music is one subject that relies fully on how much practice is put in. And every subject needs that kind of constant practice and hours put in. If I can find something to motivate and plan my time, I would like to try it.

So many times I tell myself, I am not here to have fun or socialize but I end up doing the opposite. And like now, I panic. So much time has been wasted and I end up with regrets. Oh Lord, please help me this exam. Send someone to teach me and guide me and let me clear all my subjects on time. I would not want to repeat or re-take a semester. I need You Lord, yes I am desperate!

Friends with Benefits? Not!

You know what's funny? I love setting up my life to screw itself up. Like how? Right now at 3 am, I decided to blog instead of getting some sleep. I have to be up at 845 tomorrow morning for a 10am class and 5 hours of sleep aint gonna do me any good.

Ok why am I blogging? Cause I've just watched a pretty nice movie. Friends With Benefit. Well, while Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis are both super duper crazy hot, and the show had lots of sex in it, no thats not what made it good. What really did made it good was how this show addressed something deep within me.

Like the show, I would like to have a girl who is extreme. I like her to have dreams about fairy tales and prince charming but is clear-headed and real at the same time. Who acts strong on the outside yet emotionally soft on the inside. Who for one moment may joke and be an ass but at the next, curling up in your arms and soaking in that silent support. I like her to be above all, my best friend.

Its funny how before this, I was gonna blog about me liking girls who arent the leading lady. Girls like Summer in OC as opposed to Marissa, Or Blair as opposed to Serena in Gossip Girls. But I didnt cause I dont know how to carry on. Its like I know I like them but I cant explain or seem to tell you why. Its just like this.

But really, I wrote this post to remind myself who not to go for. Dont settle for anyone else other than a girl who can be my best friend and girlfriend at the same time. In fact I think I'll fall in love with a female version of me, though many (I myself included) would find that disgusting/disturbing/whatever :P But seriously, I gotta find that someone who I can be happy with all the time (or at least most of the time). Well I did found one, but sadly, we werent meant to be. Anyhow...

And one more thing this post is supposed to remind me of is this: SEX COMPLICATES EVERYTHING! So dont, dont ever have pre-marital in or out of a relationship. It never does any else except to complicate things and leave guilt/scars behind.

So, what is the moral of the story? Wait till you find someone who can makes you laugh with her smile and who can hear your thoughts even though both of you are just sitting in silence. And never let sex complicate your relationships. It never does anything except screwing things up (literally). And when you do get to hold her. Dont let her go without a fight, cause somethings are worth fighting for.

Say whatever you want

The reason that I am studying music not for anyone else but for myself and for the plans that God has for me. So with every improvement, no matter how big or small, I am honouring my teachers, my parents and God Himself. As long as I keep improving, I'm one step closer to my goals.

What are you living for?

I wanna live for that moment, when all else fades, when nothing else matters; no past, no future; in that moment, its just You and me: My bridegroom has come.

Though many things can feel like it, they are substitutes; inferior pleasures. Help me to differentiate these from the real thing. And till I see you face to face, keep my heart pure for You.

Pretty, Brainy, Nerdy, Funny!

Yea, that's what I realised I'm attracted too. I know often I judge by the looks only, but somehow I have been quite accurate at reading people. Co-incidence? I dont know, but I know what I like. Well as they say, like and love are two different things, so dont judge me by what I like. I just wanna like what I like. *Click*

Its been a long while...

Its been more than 2 months since I last posted. I've not been blogging cause it often takes up too much of my time to blog. When I actually have the time, I dont have the mood to do it. But tonight, however, both of these conditions seem to be present and here I am, writing down some things that have been on my mind. And Yes, I am the kind who does things by mood.

So recently I have been back into being a lil crazy about SNSD thanks to my bro, Mingyue. He came back to Msia for the summer and we chatted and all and he lend me a book which got me crazily in love with the girl group all over again.

Well, chasing idols, stars aint my problem. I dont idolise them as gods or anything but what I like is that they are very pretty. I am attracted to their looks and how they, being stars, are really who they say they are.

Its been a while since I've dated someone. Eye candies are all over the place, but with my mind filled with school work, I hardly have the energy to chase any girl. In fact I think I'm beginning to become dull with girls. Not dull as in dont like em, but dull as in I dont know how to chat up with a girl properly anymore.

With Joyce in ET, our only communication now is via the email. In the world today, that is really slow. Email used to be the fastest communication tool, but with SMS and whatsapp and all that, it seems like forever to receive a reply. I'm so used to instantaneous replies that waiting for one seem to be taking forever.

I really miss the time when I can just send a whatsapp message over and I get replies. I miss talking to people who matter and have deep conversations. I feel like crying now cause I have not found someone who I can have soul talk with and be a soul mate to.

I question many things in life. I question if I can make it in the industry. I question if I would be a big hit in the field. I question if I'll ever marry before the world ends. I question if there'll be enough for me and my family. I question many things, but somehow, one thing that I never did or would ever question about is God. O know He is real, even when you dont see Him. I can feel Him, I can hear His voice. I know His Spirit is within me and Christ who is in me, is the hope of Glory. But still I feel lonely. I feel terribly alone.

I feel like I wanna take sometime off and do something meaningful. Maybe a 6months stint in Thailand, or Cebu. Praying for the sick, visiting church members. I dont know why I feel so unsatisfied studying something that I was born to do. I dont know why I wanna finish it asap. I know that there is more than just this studies, which is jus a phase. But this nudging feeling just wont go away.

I can keep ranting on, but I feel that there is no point and no end to it. Reality is as such and I can only keep my eyes on Him and Him alone. May His will be done in my life, that I might glorify Him. I love you Jesus, no matter what it may seem.

In other news...

Yes, so far I have not been successful in trying to date girls. Well, I got sort of rejected by a girl in KL, and then to my surprise, the SG girl is attached. Oh well, bummer right? But its all fine. As much as I wanna be in a relationship, I know I keep hearing these nagging words that its not time yet; Studies first. And I guess its the best for me.

I'm just whining here cause I just saw on Facebook my friend's picture of her and her boyfriend touring Italy. Italy is my dream destination. Either as a honeymoon place or just a holiday with a special someone, its my dream to be there. I love Italy for their food. Not sure about their culture, but I love Italian food. Besides the great food, there is also very nice architectures in that place. Well, Rome is in Italy and the Roman Empire had a very strong history. Its just something I've liked since I was a teen.

One other reasons why I want to visit Italy its cause of the movie "JUMPER". It wasnt a great movie. It had lots of loop holes, but I guess the idea of teleportation just really dig me. And of course one other very strong reason is the main lead actress: Rachel Bilson. I really got smitten with her in this show and going to Italy to see the scene first hand with a special someone would be like being in the show. Minus the teleporting around.

Its been awhile since I've been smitten hard. So for now, its no news. Just some whine and emo-ness. HAH!

What's Happening; What's on my mind.

So its been more than 2 months that I have been silent. Not that nothing is happening or that my life is too happening to blog, but I have ceased to find the time to sit and think.

After all the major happenings that has happened so far, after all of us are back in one place, I decided to sit down and think; reflect.

So the last I've blogged about was about school, the pressure and all that.

Now I am proud to say that I've made it. My 2nd Sem went pretty well. I've managed to get 3A- and 4B, which is stunning to me and I really thank God for that. I couldn't have done it without His favour.

Coming back to SG and to CPC is really a very heart warming thing. Here I live like a King/Prince. I do what I do and I get recognised for whatever I do. Here I dont seem to struggle much and I thrive like a tree by the river. I dont wanna talk much about ANC and KL, but just so you know, SG is really my HOME. As much as I say I can adapt to anywhere and I can live easy, there is really nothing like home. It even harder to resist that when all of your being was made to love this Nation.

Just last week, We had a YAYA Camp. Amazing things happened and as much as I would love to list out all the details, I would really be trying so hard to put to words all the amazing things that happened. But I would once again say that it has been one of the most awesome camps I've had.

You know being prophetic means that,when you see/hear/imagine/have an impression/glimpse of things that are to come and when these things actually do happen, you ceased to be surprised or shocked. But nonetheless, God's work is always amazing. The things He does never cease to bring me Joy or Satisfaction.

I love being a part of His team. He always let me know what is on His mind and heart for CPC and the YAYA and the Six of us. He leads me step by step till the point in time when things happen and I am ready to work it out with Him.

Months ago I had this strong impression that JUNE is going to be a very exciting time. My Spirit was so excited that I couldn't wait to come back. More than just seeing Joyce and Min, there was going to be YAYA Camp and somehow I was really excited about it. I had this impression that this June would be the reverse of all that had happened one year ago in PGH. God was bringing restoration and reconciliation though I didnt know how that might happen.

This camp has really brought us one step closer to rebuilding the bridge that was torn down and to secure all the loose bonds that were left hanging after PGH. The camp also showed that revival is going to come to CPC and the YAYA are going to get it. I'm not sure if the adults are going to receive it, but it is my hope and desire that as a Church, from the main congregation to the YAYA to the Children Ministry to the Creche Ministry to the Chinese Ministry to the Sri Lankan Ministry, across all levels of CPC that the revival might hit us and hit us hard. That this isnt a one time off revival but one that will last from generation to generation, each building upon another and that the ceiling of one generation will be the floor of the next, so that the glory of God may grow from glory to glory. This is my dream for CPC, this is the legacy I want to pass to my children's children. That their children would also have the same vision and that this revival would be with us as long as we hold on to this vision.

In all, being back thus far, I can only say that God, You have been amazing. You are nothing sort of a Supernatural Being and I am so every thankful for being a part of Your plan.

I'll leave this post for all the amazing stuffs that has happened thus far. I would probably write another one for something else, but here goes some notes/thanks giving.

I thank God for the camp com and all the hard work that they have put in to get things going and for Shih Yang who really made good and wise decisions throughout the whole camp.

I thank God for my group. I really had a good time with them.

I thank God for the speakers, Evangeline and Joanne; who were very patient with us as a whole and for Evangeline who imparted all that she has to me; which is really very exciting as I discover what she has imparted. and Joanne for the words of encouragement which pierced my heart and broke me down out of love and gratitude.

These were what she said: You are a might and Valiant man. You are like Gideon who the angel of the Lord met. You stand tall and strong among others and your heart for God is Pure. There is a desire of purity in you that whatever you touch becomes pure and everything that I put my hands to become gold. God has given you a golden scepter, He has given you authority. Sometimes the things that I do seems odd and it goes against the convention of things, but they were God's creation to begin with and I have the right to redeem it for His glory. Ask she was just speaking these words to me, I cried tears of Joy and of sort of guilt because I felt unworthy, but God assured me that I was. I have not cried for a long time. I am not sure why, but this is really encouraging and it touched my heart deeply.

I thank God for Aileen's words to me as well: God is increasing your capacity to hold Him. He is releasing goodness in my life and my sphere of influence is increasing. I cant remember what else she said, but those were the 3 main things and what went on in my mind was that I was struggling with God who was giving me a staff. Like when He called Moses to lead His people, Moses struggled. I was pushing the staff back to Him but I gave up in the end and received the staff.

I thank God for Joyce and Min who were contending for more freedom in the ways of the Holy Spirit.

I thank God also for the opportunity to lead the group to reconcile with each other.

I thank God that now Eunice is back and we can all hangout and eat at one table this afternoon.

I treasure all the relationships I have with people so much that I pray that God would teach me how to use my influence and my time to spend it wisely with people around. That I might neglect no one and that everyone knows that they are welcome here.

3rd sem is about to start in 2 weeks time and I am not too excited to go back to KL. But I pray that I let honour be the main culture in my life and that as I just continue to live as a son of the Most High God, may He use me in whatever ways He wants to bring glory to His name.

Thank You Father for every loving and trusting me, thank You Jesus for being more than a Friend. For making me co-heir with You and giving me the authority to be like You. Thank You Holy Spirit for empowering me and working through me. For being so real in my life, though You remain invisible, demonstrating the raw power of God and leading people back to You. I thank You and Praise You, Amen!

In 2 weeks

The last post was pretty much an April fool's joke. No the emotions were not, but everything else that was going on then was. So PS exam turned out to be fine. We made it and we sounded good. Thank God!

In the last 2 weeks that I was silent, the toil of the school production was on full force. I thought I never had to do hard labour anymore for production, but oh well. Thank God once again that the production was awesome and I'm glad that I am part of it.

So I realised that there are many Christians in ICOM. Most of them are actually Godly people. I spoke to some of them and I found out that one of them has a calling to study music for worship also. It is interesting that God has placed in the hearts of many to be a Levite for His glory. That we may be ushers of His glory and His presence. Its my prayer and my heart's desire that He would raise up generations after generations of worshipers who would play skillfully unto the Lord and invite His presence no matter where they are.

It was also then that I found myself thinking about this. Well, dont say that I think of girls often, but some of these things are just inter-related ok?

I've come to realise that I am attracted to girls who have set themselves apart to be Holy, to have a high standard of godliness in their live. Girls who like Daniel, refused to be defiled by anything or anyone. I am attracted to them without knowing this in the first place. And after I do, I have a deeper respect and liking for them.

On a different note, I am struggling and am being frustrated with ANC. I love the people there. I am willing to help them in anyway possible, but, METHODS KILLS ME! They have activities after activities and pushing evangelism and making converts. The great commission was to make disciples, not make converts. As I fast and pray for Dad who is with Alvin Ng in the silk road mission, I am also praying and fasting for myself. That God would reveal His plans for me here in KL.

For now, its time to mug. Finals in about a month's time. Oh gosh!

Now what...

Here I am sitting in the library of college wondering what am I going to do with life. Just had a very depressing and demoralising band practice. ICA is next week, but we are far from being tight. Depressing cause I couldnt get the groove right, and I keep missing the attacks. I know I am not a talented drummer. I am not agile, I dont have a natural metronome, my playing is not tight. So much for the "you've improved" comments that I've been getting. Its like a slap in the face when I cant do something that I am told to and I am supposed to have improved.

What is going to be my selling point? What am I good at? Performance? Nah, I'm not technically good to be entertaining. Arranging? I might think I am good at it, but in truth, I dont think I am. Good ears? Nope again. I cant even listen to something and playback accurately.

Gosh, what am I doing in ICOM Berklee Transfer Program?! I wonder if I could even get in to Berklee.

Give time to have band practice, personal practice, study a few subjects, ministry, spend time with God...

Its a bad day for me. I wished I had more talent or something. Something that I could gain without working too much for.

And so you thought

I thought that Wed night of prophetic worship was awesome, I realised that I spoke too soon. Sunday night ministry at 12am was beyond epic, beyond awesomeness. God's presence was so strong it was like He wanted every single girl in connection house to know that He is Lord and that He loves them with an everlasting love.

I like how I work with Ms Yeong. Its so simple cause we both know who we look to and rely on. I found someone I could look after and start training. In fact, we are so similar in terms of gifts, it wasnt hard at all guiding her! What's funny to me is that I seem to be a dragon trainer. What I meant is that I train big people. People whose influence are huge and they have a huge personality. I train people at the leadership level. I really love that, I enjoy that a lot. Cause working with God is so easy. He teaches me what to say :)

This is exciting times. See how God is working in the lives of these young ladies and how hungry they are for Him. So now that Wanhsi has started something in ANC, its up to me to sustain it. I thank God that at least 1 of the Pastoral staff has seen and know how it works and I pray that I can just work from there to sustain this environment.

I dont have much time to sit here and think deep to blog as I have to leave in few minutes. But just so that I dont forget this experience, this is my reminder: immersed in His water, bright blinding glory, fire of purification, in one with Christ, rising from the ashes, burning bush: burn but not consumed

16 Mar 2011: Epic Day

Today is one of the most epic day of my life. Its so epic cause Wanhsi is here and she has brought the teaching of prophetic worship and deeper worship to ANC. God is truly amazing. I sit here awake at 1am to write this and record what happened.

Yesterday Wanhsi was teaching about personal worship and how prophetic worship works. I was suppose to attend that session but my car broke down. So I didnt go. But I knew in my Spirit that something big is happening something really epic. So I asked min and joyce to intercede for the church and Wanhsi that God will really do a great work here in KL.

Today, I met Wanhsi and attended her session on corporate worship (I'll give a detailed update later) and this was something that I was waiting and wanting to hear about in a long time. Thank God she taught this while I was around.

For the last I dont know how many months, I have been real dry. I'm not totally dry dry, but in comparison to what I was before, this is dry man. I didnt admit that I was feeling dry, I wanted to press in to see if God would do something, but I guess I gave up half way sub consciously and I didnt manage to draw nearer to Him.

Today Wanhsi made me play the drumset. She said play it prophetically. See where the Spirit is leading and while I was playing, all I was thinking are beat patterns and rhythms. There are some parts where God was telling me something but I am not sure what. I just went with the flow.

At the end of the 2hr worship session, I got the whole picture. We were fighting a battle to break through to something. When we started, we were like a procession welcoming the King, but He wasnt here yet. So we played and worshiped. Then I heard the Holy Spirit say now play like the King is here. In grand honour and praise. Lift up the praise. That took a long time and when I was about to give up, cause I was tired, Wanhsi was at the side saying, press in! Press In! So I did. Then after the presence came, we wanted His glory and that took a long time to come. Breaking through to receive His glory is a tough thing. Its like the whole multitude need to be in sync and of one Spirit before that Glory breaks through like a morning light.

After the Glory and the Presence came in, its was rejoicing time. I heard God said the battle is won and now its celebration. That took up most of the worship. I learnt today that in worship, the preparation and the procession for the King's presence is the shortest part of worship. Waiting for His glory to shine through and the celebration of victory is the longest part of Worship and heaven is in continual worship of celebration.

Playing drums in prophetic worship was what I was born to do. I know I am not technically good, but I will get there some day and worship without restrictions. In fact I believe that not just drums, guitar, bass, keys, vocals. I was born to Worship God without out any limits and to lead people into it.

I am so glad how God planned for Wanhsi to be here at this time. It really means so much to me. When I meet her again on Friday I am going to tell her all these cause she and tonight's experience means a lot to me.

May all that I do, in every aspect of my life, bring Glory to name of Christ Jesus, my Father God in Heaven and my comforter and friend, the Holy Spirit, AMEN!

Once upon a Village

Channel News Asia new program about an accomplished violinist who goes into a village to conduct a violin camp for kids. She will then select a child to be trained under her wings.

When I heard this, I goosebumps. The good kind of bumps. Something within me stirred. Can music save and feed kids?

What I miss the most

You know I can be in a happening place, filled with people and yet be the most lonely soul on this very earth. Yes, as I sit here (in PJ, Uncle Hok Seng's place), away from the world, away from my exams, my mind starts to reflect on its own. The previous post has hit me real hard. Its beginning to take root and make sense within me and my flesh is struggling against the Spirit to do what is right.

I have never been able to be this peaceful, this still for a long while. Music has taken over my mind and most of the time I'm thinking about beat patterns, homework, assignments and whatever else that is school related. This is a breath of fresh air. I miss being able to think so clearly, without any distracting thought.

As I sit here, I dread going back to KL. I fear loneliness. Oh my, I have been fortunate so far that I have a great housemate as company. Church mates in KL are only so-so if I may say. I guess it because we never really managed to share our lives deeply and affect each other. Today, Clinton is back in KK already, and I am pretty much in a sense alone for the next two days.

It has dawned upon me that why I was so homesick previously was because I missed the people who cared about my life. People who created an environment for me to strive towards godliness and push me to be more like Him. I miss people who matters. These people matters cause they would die for me, just like I would for them. But right now, just this very moment, I am craving for a company. A lifelong companion. Not just someone who I can go out with, hang out with. I wanna be with someone I can build a home with.

I wonder if God made me to crave for His company. I believe we all do, but as much as I crave for company, I cant seem to feel totally satisfied by being with Him. Hey, I know, I know He is all I ever need, I believe that He is. But in reality, I have not experience this sense of company that being with the Lord is all I ever need. I have known that He provides for all my needs. He is the only thing in this life that I can count on. He is the reason why I am alive, why I worship, why I am even here in KL studying music. But in a companionship kinda way, I have never known to be satisfied. I wonder if Paul felt the same? I mean afterall, Paul still travelled with a companion, Barnabas or Timothy.

There are many girls around. There are no lack for He has shown me that He can provide, even in a place I least expected. I marvel at His works and and am amazed.

I just had a serious talk with uncle Hok Seng. They are deciding to break up the house church into a smaller group and I am going to be one of the leaders there. Yes this is heavy responsibility. In fact I know this is going to be the real deal, but I am very sure that with the help of God, I will be able to lead this group with 2 other leaders.

You know, too many Christians in this world are in maintenance mode. They are just merely keeping the boat afloat. I too am very comfortable with that. But as a house church leader, they are expecting me to disciple people. Bring them to Christ and make them a disciple. In another words, multiply. I feel the stress, like as if there are some quotas for me to fulfill. But all in all, I know the intention is not to have me sit there and warm my chair but to get out there and witness. To be the salt and light for the world.

So God aint putting me here in KL to be suffocated, unlike what I have thought in a previous post. He is training me, both in my craft and in my Spiritual growth. Its going to be difficult. A time of really seeking Him to provide for a Timothy and to learn on the go. I dont know what His plans are at the moment, but I am willing to be obedient.

Its exciting, yet tough time ahead and I only pray that I change to be more like Him. That I can would be truly a light in a dark world out there.

Romans 8:18-30

18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that[h] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

Evangelism

Its interesting how being in KL now, God is putting me in a place where the training to evangelise is so freely accessible. In ANC, the one of the focus is to make disciples. To multiply and be deliberate in making disciples. I have heard a message about how being a church person is killing the harvest movement and I am just at the moment confused.

Is doing church wrong? Is shepherding a group of people who are in need wrong? The emphasis on going out there to make disciples of all nations is so strong that I am almost suffocated here.

AWOL-Me

A play of letters from the previous post describes what I am now. AWOL: Away Without Official Leave. The last post was post no. 300. WOW, I never thought I would blog so much or at least written 300 post, but oh well, I do like this blog :)

So what have I been AWOL from huh? Well, for one, this blog of mine. I have been rather AWOL from being in His presence, checking in on my beloved friends back in SG and well, I've not been myself much.

I really enjoy being with a girl I like, the problem always arises when they suspect that I like them. Then they avoid, they become awkward and things just suck after. Haiz, I really dont know what is happening. Perhaps all these are circumstances placed by Him to remind me of why I am studying in KL.

Thank God that yesterday's performance was well received. It was nerve wreaking but I think we did well on the whole. I am really glad that the hard work paid off and recognition is coming in but as much as I wanna improve faster and be better, I want to be accepted. To have some one accept the love I would like to shower on them.

It got me thinking the whole of last night, it got me puzzled about what to do next. Driven by goals and work based recognition cant get me far. If its for someone else, I would try my best to get anything for her. Funny, I cant get really motivated till I am in it with someone. Knowing that I dont wanna disappoint the other person really drives me. This is something interesting and new that I am learning about myself.

Right now I gotta step it up again. Next week is exam week and I wanna have a good head start. Thank God for the 89 on the English assignment. Its a good enough head start for that subject. Now its just a few more to go. Time really fly by so fast. I hope it wont be long for me to find a wife and have some kids. I laugh at such thoughts cause for me that is bliss and if only life would be like that forever.

Where's my senses?

We should miss the sensitivity that we used to have with God ad hunger and yearn to have it back again. We need to practice the presence of God each and every day of our lives and it be part of everything we do. Knowing that He is pleased with you as you give him all that you are, He will bless you without you fearing of what is to come.

AOWL-Me

A name truly makes a person. My initials spells "AOWL" and boy am I a night person. Its not like I dont like to sleep at night but I seem to be more clear headed at night to do anything important. This could range from anything like work, to studies, to blogging or reply/writing lengthy emails to friends who means a lot to me. Just about a while ago I wanted to blog about something, but that would probably take too long and I need to sleep and wake up early tomorrow morning to pack my bag. Oh well, I have been thinking a lot and I need to organise my thoughts and get a nice momentum for school, study and revision. I need to do well and cannot afford to fail. I am not a 19 year old trying out something in life. This is very much do or die by the grace of Christ. Yet at the end of the day, I wish that I lived out this life as according to His will and His promises for His glory and His honour, Amen.

Knotted

My heart is in a knot. A girl, whom I thought would be my first love, someone whom I really thought would be my wife never did happen. Subsequently I dated a Delilah, but couldnt shake her off for a while. And then there was this Godly woman whom I thought might be the one, but she too never did really take off with me.

Too bad for me I often thought. I know God told me to guard my heart and perhaps that is why I never really tried to make any thing happen. I guarded my heart, but some times I try to open it up a little, just to see if any sparks would fly.

Met someone in KL, thought maybe I should give it a try, but that Voice within my head, tells me to stop and wait. Last semester break, I met up with an old crush. She is God loving, mission focused and a nurse. Been out with her twice so far, but I dont know where this might be leading to. So far, we are just friends.

Now in this new semester, another Godly woman has appeared and my mind is telling me to GO FOR IT. Well, I have no idea if she is Godly or not yet, but all I know is that she is a Christian.

As much as my mind is logically saying to just go for it, my heart is guarded and waiting out to see His promises come through. What I realised today is that back then when I really like Christina Aguileria, that fact hasnt changed a bit today. Still pretty much in love with her, perhaps its all but just a dream.

Parenting

Its interesting that over dinner with the CPC bunch at Timbre a topic on parenting was discussed. The topic was that, to make ends meet, parents are unable to give a child proper upbringing. Is this an individual or a cultural or a societal issue/problem? What is the root of the problem? It is proven that a child's social economic status (SES) affect his/her IQ. So nature vs nurture. Which is more important?

CHURCH

The church used to be a place that meets the needs of her people. When the need is not met, people tend to leave. How then can we cultivate an environment to meet the needs of people yet at the same time allow the presence of God to inhabit our church. Not in the four walls of the physical building, but in the lives of the believer, which is the body of Christ.

CNY

I know this post is titled CNY, but its more like a rant post. No, I'm not ranting cause I am angry kinda rant, I rant cause I just happen to feel like it :) Yes I am a feeler if you have not already known.

So what is this all about? Well, recently I've been having mixed/contradicting thoughts in my head. For example, going back home during CNY is mainly for the family. To meet extended relatives who you probably meet once a year and when the older people pass on into the afterlife, we generally stop visiting altogether. Well, this time round CNY is for me, to meet up relatives from my Mum side and CPC people. I am homesick, for the first time in my life I actually feel homesick. I wonder what December in Singapore did to me, but I am homesick. My heart wants me back in SG yet my mind is in KL. Its with the amount of homework and practice I am missing out, its with 2 special people in KL, its with issues that are happening around me in school.

Speaking of which, I know how much God loves me when He consistently places someone eligible in front of me. Its a test and its also an assurance of His never ending ability to provide. This semester, there happen to be a girl who is rather low profile, unassuming, a pianist and sings rather well in my class. To top it off, she is Cute! She stays in PJ (what are the odds!) and is a Christian! (half the previous odds again!) In my mind I was like, PERFECT! But this voice in my head whisper to guard your heart boy...

I know I know, this is really not a good time to get into a relationship for fun. I need to make sure that I can cope with dating and with studying. Not only that, all the other eligible girls whom I have considered and prayed about. I dont wanna rush something that I am gonna have for a life time.

I might compare or even equate it with buying a guitar, but I know girls out there will kill me. Even so, if you really know me, I love my guitar very much. I think I will love a girl just as much or even more. I believe that it will be even more and at the moment, I love my guitars very much.

You see, when I buy a guitar, I look for what catch my eyes. I wanna see if it looks good. Then I would pick it up and play it. I wanna hear if the tone is something I like or am looking for. Next I would feel the guitar, I wanna feel if I can connect with her. That is what I generally look for, the looks, the tone and the feel. You could pretty much say the same for me when I look for a life partner. Except for the fact that I can have a few guitars and play what I want to, feel like playing at that moment, that's something I can never do to my wife. NEVER!

Saying never isnt tagged with a bad connotation behind it. Saying never is a promise that I'll be faithful. Saying never is a reminder that I must not be living in the old man where I get tired of something and I look to something new. Ah what a long post on girls and guitars. But oh well, they are the two things that are frequently on my mind and lips.

You know, as I typed that, I wonder how did David and the Priest and the other Psalmist have God's praises on their mind and lips all day long. I mean, yes, I praise God in all situation. I give thanks and I truly am grateful for all the favours and grace that is upon my life and I wonder, what it would be like to behold the beauty of the Lord, something that King David so desired. I know what its like to behold His glory, but His beauty? Maybe that is the tipping point for me to turn from a son to a lover.

Love, lover, seems like I cant get out of that topic. God, love, girls, guitar, music, friends and family. My world kinda just revolves all around these things. It isnt good or bad, just interesting.

Well anyway, this CNY is my last lepak period. Right after this, when I get back, its a disciplined, full steam ahead, 100% all in, time. When I get back, that very week I have to submit my first assignment. Prepare, practice my friday performance, study for ICAs and then work hard for this sem. I know I can do it and make it. Just sacrifice fun for now. I know I might be less sociable, but I dont care. Even if I lose out getting that girl, or whatever. For now, God and studies.

Happy Blessed Chinese New Year everyone. May God shower you with a life that in abundant in Him.

New thoughts

While I was back in SG in December, I spent some time walking alone down Orchard Road and I was listening to my iPod and worshiping. This thought came to my mind as I was reminded of what Shihyang shared that week.

How radical, or even incredible, that when I walk down Orchard Road, with an iPod in my ear, with my heart, soul and spirit I worship and bring the presence God into wherever I am. My body as the host of His being and presence, Infecting/fogging/cleansing/healing/restoring/proclaiming/redeeming/repossessing/rededicating each and every inch of SG.

Radical? Yes/No? I wonder if this is even possible. And if a group were to be doing this, how tangible will the presence be? Is this considered prayer walking? I am quite excited to try it actually.

Bible in a Year

So I decided that I wanna try finishing the bible in a Year. If I manage to do this, it'll be a first and I hope my accountability sisters would keep me in check.

Anyway, today is the first day of OWNit365(the program I'm using) and I've read about Joseph, Moses and Job. One common theme in today's devotion is the leadership and favour they each had with God. These men were exemplary in their relationship with God.

One other theme is that Moses whose name meaning drawing from the water and in Job 30 it was about the God being behind the wind and the storm. Again, wind and water is being mentioned here.

Besides my devotion for today, theme of the day for house church seems to be LOVE. People were sharing about the love of God and I suddenly have this want to use worship to allow this love to flow down from heaven, yet not by my own strength or by might, but may it be empowered by His Holy Spirit.

Just sing and worship God just as who He is to you. Let no one tell you who God should be to you, but experience Him as how He wants to with you and with every step and season of your life.

I must come to a realization that I cannot live a careless life. That my devotion to Jesus is 24/7.365. Devoted in deed in thoughts in words. I just cant afford it. I cannot afford to have Jesus out.

"Words of affirmation is food for the soul." - Uncle Hock Seng

Characteristic of a Disciple
• Committed relationship
• Apprenticeship
• Multiplication
• Transformation by the Holy Spirit

Some points of notes from last week sermon by Dr Ed Pousson

1 Corinthians 13

This life is given to you and me, a test you might say to see how much love is in you. If Christ is in you, then you are love. He who is I AM, He who is LOVE is in you.

•The fall is the failure to love
•Sin is the refusal to love
•Hell is the inability to love

Salvation is the restoration of our capacity to love.

Love in a selfless way, love your neighbour as yourself. Learn to love before it's too late

Model love to a world without love

Add a touch of love in everything you do

In BAG today I realize that youths find words of blessings to be nice words. Till they experience grace and peace from the Lord, it'll be just a nice word. But such experience comes with a tipping point, a crisis.

Sorry for the fragmented thoughts and the bad arrangement. I wrote these notes while I was listening to the sermons/sharing and these are just some thoughts off my head.

PS: For today, I just want to thank God for my little discussion group. I thank God that we are growing closer and may God take us to another level of deep sharing and intimacy with God and each other.

What lies ahead

I know this post is 14days late as 2 weeks have passed by since the start of a new year. But why am I keep track of dates? That I dont know why, but what I do know is that this is yet another year where time will fly by so fast and I'll be wondering about what had happened in a year.

December holiday was short and sweet. It was really refreshing to my soul though my physical body would not agree with me. Late nights after late nights and all the supper, I think my body was screaming "abuse" but my palettes and craving were satisfied. In that short time, I managed to cook my 6 course meal twice and achieved a real satisfaction in tasting my own cooking. Something that I really felt good about. I have always been a grill specialist, but now a 6 course, not-so-fine dining is not a problem for me. Most of the credit goes to allrecepie.com and my aunt for doing the prep work. I merely just used my hands and cook.

From December till now, as I reflect and think back, I just wanna thank God for all He has done and given me. Thank you Pa, You really provided for all of my needs. Nothing else really matter more than You being part of it all. From the providence to the talents/abilities given, from friends to family time, all in all I thank You. Without You, there wouldn't be me and the love and joy which gives me strength to love anyone and do anything for anyone.

My life cannot be separated from God. If you take Him out of my life, there wouldn't life. It'll probably be a guy who is dragging himself through life and dreading it. There you'll see him taking drug, having sex or raping girls, drinking alcohol and using addictions to temporarily ease the pain. Ultimately, he would end up taking his own life to stop the suffering once and for all.

In these coming months, I know that things wont be going too easy. The breakthroughs that are about to come would probably need time spend going on our knees seeking the heart of the Father to see His will being done. Lots of intercessions and time being with Him is needed in these few coming months. We need to be like the sons of Issachars who knew the time of the Lord and with understanding proceed to do His will.

Today an interesting sermon was preached by Dr Tan Soo Inn. He is a Doctor by profession, a dentist. He became a preacher because of a burden that God has placed in his heart even before he pursued dentistry. It was interesting how parents sometimes become the obstacle to a child's calling. In his case, his parents told him to finish dentistry and work for a bit first before thinking about going to seminary. In my case, my parents told me to finish my poly and then NS first before they allowed me to study sound engineering/music.

But somehow God's timing is always the best. Its never too late nor too early. True that we might not know otherwise what might have happened, but the fact is that no matter what has happened, I am able to praise Him and thank Him for all that He has done for me today, right now in this moment.

So what is interesting in today's service is that the speaker is someone who is in his mid fifties and co wrote a workbook about discovering your personal life mission. The book that this workbook is based on is written by Gordon T. Smith titled, Courage and Calling: Embracing your God-given potential. Well, in his case, he was burden about the church's lack in having good teachers and leadership. Being a second generation Christian, he realised that his parent's faith is not his own faith. Everyone is different, unique the moment God created you, and needs to experience God in his own way.

What struck me was when he said this,"Dont ever use your burden as a yardstick to measure another person's burden. Everyone has a burden and a passion for different things, that is how God has made him to be; a unique individual."

Sometimes I sigh at the life of others, why cant they be more radical, or do something crazy for God? And when I put myself against the same measure I used for them, I realise that I am just as bad. What really interest me is that this man is willing to invest time to do a one on one session to help people identify their personal calling. This really struck a note within me. If there were such a material available, I want it. Not for myself but for the young people out there. My burden is for the church and her young people.

Another wise word from this man is this," If you are 15 years old and you dont know what you calling is, its fine. Just keep seeking the Lord and explore all possibilities. Parents, dont force your child upon what you think his calling is, they dont need these kind of unnecessary pressure. Some people only find their calling at 30 when they are wiser and able to identify for the past 20 odd years what the Lord has been trying to get them to do. Some people only find that out in their 50s, but its never too late. Better late then never. But if you as a young person have already known your calling, its not the end. God would fine-tune it and or perhaps expand it."

I am excited to know the calling of people around me and seeing them grow into the roles that God has prepared for them. Its so exciting! The process of finding out and becoming that which God has called is always the most exciting, satisfying and rewarding thing one can ever achieve along side with God. Just as Dr Soo Inn and I believe, it all begin with knowing your identity.

IDENTITY. From Bill Johnson to Kris Vallotton to Dr Tan Soo Inn, the bottom line is the same: Who are you in Christ? This foundation will enable you to do greater things that He has planned and prepared for you to do.

So I believe, for CPC YAYA, myself included, what lies ahead is finding out who you are in Christ. Solidifying that knowledge, believe that YOU ARE WHAT HE SAYS YOU ARE! And after finding it out you have to live like you believe it. And from there, let God place a burden within you that you may identify a calling truly uniquely yours and live out that calling to the glory of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.