And so it is

I lie here in bed at 3:15am. 9hours away from my first class and 11hours away from my first exam this week. I am unprepared for this week's exam. All the prep work seem to be wasted. My mind cannot take in or absorb whatever that I have been trying to make it remember. I am at a loss. Never have I encountered something so hard. Its like everything I need to do I have to refer to my notes or having to try the sound before composing it. My head is in a mess. My drums skill is not on par with my level and my band class songs are not fully ready yet.

I travel yet again back to SG on the 3rd - 13th of Nov and right after that is the submission of projects and final exams. I am so NOT READY for this semester as it comes to an end. My mind is telling me to prepare for the worst, one more semester here in KL. Not that I really want to but I dont really have a choice if I fail any subject. I am so terribly scared that I need God. No, I dont say it as a plea for help, but that even from the beginning, I needed Him. It is a reiteration to tell myself that apart from Him I cannot do this.

I begin to wonder how or what motivates me? I am a very focused person (so I like to think). I do well when only one task is given to me. For example; if this whole semester I only have to do my drums and maybe Ear Training, I probably would do well. But then again, 2 subjects a semester would mean that I would take years to finish my studies. Or shall I just take everything and see which ones I fail and then repeat them? I hate the thoughts of failing or repeating,but music is one subject that relies fully on how much practice is put in. And every subject needs that kind of constant practice and hours put in. If I can find something to motivate and plan my time, I would like to try it.

So many times I tell myself, I am not here to have fun or socialize but I end up doing the opposite. And like now, I panic. So much time has been wasted and I end up with regrets. Oh Lord, please help me this exam. Send someone to teach me and guide me and let me clear all my subjects on time. I would not want to repeat or re-take a semester. I need You Lord, yes I am desperate!