You know I can be in a happening place, filled with people and yet be the most lonely soul on this very earth. Yes, as I sit here (in PJ, Uncle Hok Seng's place), away from the world, away from my exams, my mind starts to reflect on its own. The previous post has hit me real hard. Its beginning to take root and make sense within me and my flesh is struggling against the Spirit to do what is right.
I have never been able to be this peaceful, this still for a long while. Music has taken over my mind and most of the time I'm thinking about beat patterns, homework, assignments and whatever else that is school related. This is a breath of fresh air. I miss being able to think so clearly, without any distracting thought.
As I sit here, I dread going back to KL. I fear loneliness. Oh my, I have been fortunate so far that I have a great housemate as company. Church mates in KL are only so-so if I may say. I guess it because we never really managed to share our lives deeply and affect each other. Today, Clinton is back in KK already, and I am pretty much in a sense alone for the next two days.
It has dawned upon me that why I was so homesick previously was because I missed the people who cared about my life. People who created an environment for me to strive towards godliness and push me to be more like Him. I miss people who matters. These people matters cause they would die for me, just like I would for them. But right now, just this very moment, I am craving for a company. A lifelong companion. Not just someone who I can go out with, hang out with. I wanna be with someone I can build a home with.
I wonder if God made me to crave for His company. I believe we all do, but as much as I crave for company, I cant seem to feel totally satisfied by being with Him. Hey, I know, I know He is all I ever need, I believe that He is. But in reality, I have not experience this sense of company that being with the Lord is all I ever need. I have known that He provides for all my needs. He is the only thing in this life that I can count on. He is the reason why I am alive, why I worship, why I am even here in KL studying music. But in a companionship kinda way, I have never known to be satisfied. I wonder if Paul felt the same? I mean afterall, Paul still travelled with a companion, Barnabas or Timothy.
There are many girls around. There are no lack for He has shown me that He can provide, even in a place I least expected. I marvel at His works and and am amazed.
I just had a serious talk with uncle Hok Seng. They are deciding to break up the house church into a smaller group and I am going to be one of the leaders there. Yes this is heavy responsibility. In fact I know this is going to be the real deal, but I am very sure that with the help of God, I will be able to lead this group with 2 other leaders.
You know, too many Christians in this world are in maintenance mode. They are just merely keeping the boat afloat. I too am very comfortable with that. But as a house church leader, they are expecting me to disciple people. Bring them to Christ and make them a disciple. In another words, multiply. I feel the stress, like as if there are some quotas for me to fulfill. But all in all, I know the intention is not to have me sit there and warm my chair but to get out there and witness. To be the salt and light for the world.
So God aint putting me here in KL to be suffocated, unlike what I have thought in a previous post. He is training me, both in my craft and in my Spiritual growth. Its going to be difficult. A time of really seeking Him to provide for a Timothy and to learn on the go. I dont know what His plans are at the moment, but I am willing to be obedient.
Its exciting, yet tough time ahead and I only pray that I change to be more like Him. That I can would be truly a light in a dark world out there.
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