Date:
Day: Thurs
Time:
You never know how slowly time passes unless you have nothing to do. For me this has change. Time passes really really slowly when you are waiting for someone. It isn’t the type of wait where you wait for her arrival at the meeting place. Rather this is the type of wait where things are indefinite. Today I waited. She went to Sentosa with Jacob and thus I’m left alone to do my stuff. I went to the driving centre with Auntie Jenny to get my temporary license and then to the concourse with her to get her spectacles done. I did sms her in the morn and some parts of the day. But the main activity for today was waiting. For a reply from her, for her to tell me she is free to meet me. For anything that allowed me to spend time with her.
Today is the day before Glenda is going to take a sabbatical from Jacob and myself. She needs rest and to ask God about who to choose. I’ve seen her tired confused face over this issue before and I really felt bad. I started the mess. I did. I did not do it on purpose. I swear. I did not even plan or think about it. Things just happened. But I did not regret not at all.
As I write this I find myself being drawn deeper in love with Glenda. Somehow I just want to be with her. It’s a personality thing, not a sexual wanting. Perhaps this is what “absence makes the heart grows fonder” means. Today I waited. Today my head was all filled with her. My head kept reminding me her scent, giving me the thought that she might be near. Well maybe she is, after all her jacket was still in my bag.
I came back after going to the optician since I had nothing to do. I quit the world of warcraft sometime back because she did not like talking to me while I gamed away. I used to play football manager while talking to her. It takes up less concentration and helped in allowing me to give her the attention she wanted. Now as I’ve nothing to do and all, I don’t feel like playing. All in my mind is Glenda. You girl, you’re all that is in my head nothing else.
Browsing the web I found a song that is written by Jesse McCartney that really speaks of how I felt. The words are exactly how I felt now. Just like that time when I heard Iris. These are Glenda songs now. Just like the one I wrote for her. Each time I hear them it’ll remind me of her. Here are the lyrics of the song:
Just so you know – Jesse McCartney
I shouldn't love you but I want you
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away
I shouldn't love you but I want you
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away
And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop
[Chorus:]
Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know
It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way
And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop
[Chorus]
This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...been waiting here
[Chorus]
The past few days I have not been able to view her blog. After reading the help section on blogspot I finally found the cure and YES I AM ABLE TO VIEW her blog now. As I go through her wishlist, I found that Jacob is trying to complete all of it. And I? Nothing. I have not managed to give her even one item on the list. I wonder if I’m fit to be with her. Somehow I think Jacob is more worthy. Even her friends,
Daddy came back early today. I hope that later I would be allowed to take the car out. I hope to drive to Glenda’s place and see her before she goes on sabbatical. One week without her. No contact unless emergency. I wonder if the waiting would get worse then this. I want to let her know how much I love her. How much she meant to me. I want to give her a ride later, a promise I made that she is the first person I drive with. I really do hope I can fulfill that later.
If a day ever comes that she ever read this journal or I give this to her, all I want her to know is that I love her very very much. Sweetheart, you make me smile and cry.
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