SoundAdvice

Just came back from SoundAdvice's official launch party. Man I loved that place. the studio is so COOL! it has a very homely feeling and the equipments there are really nice. Love the place alot. Its a little out of the way at 414A Joo Chiat Road but I think its a very nice place still. It give me an idea of what I would do for my own studio (if I do get a chance) next time :)

Kamal is a very nice guy he showed us around, told us what we might do for the recording and stuffs. So yea, I'm getting excited and all for it. I am so gonna finish NS and study hard in SAE and do well. I want a good pay, a good resume, good reputation.

i need a girl to inspire my work, i need you.

happy night

and so I decided to ask her if she is giving me the cold treatment. She told me she isn't, its just that she cant bear to look at me in the eye. Why? cause she felt guilty of breaking my heart. I tried to assure her that I'm fine but she told me that she the same reason why I couldn't look at her the same way as before, " i cant forget u.... i cant seem to treat u like a fren anymore..." "i still like u a lot..."

A smile slipped onto my face. I was so super damn freaking madly insanely whatever other superlatives you can use-ly HAPPY! but I controlled my emotions. I told her to pray hard and think hard. She made her first choice before, she had chosen him. She wants to think about it again.

I'm fine no matter what her decision might be. Being her friend now at this moment is fine with me. It'll be an unexpected surprise if she decided to choose me in the end. But whatever her decision might be, I hope she'll be happy. that is the most important thing.

After talking about all these I told her that so as long as she can look at me and smile that would be good enough for me. and to my surprise she invited me to view her webcam. I had hell of a fun playing with the webcam. She smiled a very sweet smile and I wonder if "print screen" works... guess what? it DID! I had fun spamming as she did many expressions. She is really pretty and cute. My list is as accurate as it is. Alt+Tabbing back and forth from msn to fireworks, I had quite a few pictures taken. I now have 12 still webcam shots of her. I'm happy just looking at them. I could have taken more if Nick didn't ask me out for supper. But its ok, I have to be fair to Nick, cannot zhong se qing you.

So yea going out to eat, I crashed my diet. But I think its the first and the last time. I dont think that is that good for me. Yes it satisfies the hunger but ultimately not good overall. I'll exhibit more self-control in the future.

Coming back from supper I decided to take all the pictures I took and make a wallpaper. I had fun doing it. I think I don't have enough to make a good wallpaper. I need more random pictures. Now its either black and white or Blue, it kinda look boring. need more vibrant colours. I took a picture of it using my handphone and MMS to her. now its the wallpaper on my handphone. I think I'll change it before I go out, just in case people sees it. I'm not shy, but I don't want to give her problems. I had a good night sleep. Slept well through the night :) something I have not done for the past few nights. I'm feeling good today :)

I pray that I would be your choice :)

...a passing thought...

I was just chatting around on msn and suddenly this thought came to me. Why do I love her? hmmm I know the reasons and I'm listing them here cause I wanna know what I like so when I choose a girl it will not be because she is hot but something deeper.

1) She is pretty.
2) She sings well (this one I think was what made me fell deeply in Love).
3) She is chatty.
4) She is a musician.
5) She has cute expressions.
6) She is intelligent.
7) She is easy going.
8) She is giggly.
9) She gives a feel that she would be a good mother.
10) She is a Christian.

these are the top 10 things I can think of now. I hope my future girlfriend would be something like this :)

Lord does the girl in Your Will have these characters?
I loved her voice. cant forget. never.

Emotions...

I just came back from BAG. Well today's session was alright, talking about emotions. Quite coincidental that I'm dealing with a lot of emotions at the moment ha!

I wonder if I'm receiving the cold treatment. She isn't responding to me in anyway. The only time she said something was during dinner asking me if I cut my hair. I don't know if that is good or bad, having looked the same after cutting. But anyway that was the last thing she said to me at least. I've returned her the jacket. Its the last thing that I had which was hers. Now its gone.

Ok, I'm being an oxymoron here. Yes I do wanna move on. I wanna put this behind me and look at her as a friend. But I do also think I'm not over her yet. I still have the feelings inside. Not as intense as I'm consciously suppressing it. I think she'll do fine soon. As for myself, I'll be fine too! :)

Tomorrow I'll be going to soundadvice's launch. this is the studio that we'll be using to do our master CD tracking. I'm quite excited about it. Hopefully I can find some contacts there that will give me a part time job before I go into NS. and get some cash to buy my Taylor :)

in the midst of all the people singing, I can clearly hear your voice

A glimpse of her

I decided to go since she didn't reply my sms. I kept my promise. So I traveled down to her house, the void deck. I was wondering why the void deck... only to hear from her that he was there already. Wow, what a coincidence. But I'm glad he's there, at least there was someone around to look after her. I saw her waiting there. Exchanged a few words and I left for home.

Duration: <5mins?

Yes, laugh at me all you want people. I don't care. I just wanted to keep my promise and also to see that she's fine. Yea she's having a headache from too much alcohol and not enough sleep but at least she is fine now. And I don't care how the world sees me cause I don't think they'd understand. I'm just glad to have seen her. And Congratulations dear girl. You've made it to SIM :)

My ipod seemed to be in sync with me today. All the songs played were really nice songs. Guilty - Blue; How did I fall in love - Backstreet Boys; Last thing on my mind - Ronan Keating; Ghost of you and me - BBMak. Some stuffs that suited my mood.

Something supernatural happened, to me it was at least. This is the 3rd time that it had rained after I have seen her at her place. I msged her telling this and she said, " Heaven is crying for me... maybe you can say with me :) " well, my heart wanted to take her back in. But I know I shouldn't. I replied, " Then I'll stay here and soak in your tears. " As soon as I sent out the reply, the rain gradually stopped. I mean besides her who else knew my thoughts? God! and who else can control the rain? God! bummer, He really don't want me to have that kinda feelings for her I guess. I'll just have to remain being a very close good friend to her then :)

how did I fall in Love with you?

Day Two - Since it ended

Its day two since things ended. I'm feeling ok. really. the bruise still hurts :) so I'm fine. I'm wondering if I should go down to her place. I promised her that if she didn't reply my sms before 12, I would go down to see that she is alright.

I guess I'll do my QT now and decide. She had a rough night. I hope the daylight would do some good to her. Hope it will light up her face.

wo zhi dao ni de tong shi wo gei de cheng nuo

Not a good sign

I just ended a call with her. She isn't doing too well. She drank too much, far too much on an empty stomach. I'm worried. She tells me she is fine but she feels like puking and all. Damn it, if only I had the guts to steal my dad's car. If only I was brave enough to cab down to her place no matter what happens. Now I feel useless, totally. She is hurting and all she can think about is the day we went to SIM. I'm worried about her. I cant put enough anxiety in this entry. how about this, I'm really so very very so really really so worried worried about her. damn that isn't good enough but I cant think of anything else to describe.

A hundred and one method is going through my head now to try and help her. I'm wits end. Lord all I did was pray and commit her to you and all these happened. Am I to do anything? I really don't know. Please be alright girl. Please. Tell me that you're fine. I wanna know that you're alright. I just want you to be safe. Please be fine.

It hurts to see you hurting... even as a friend

I hope you're fine too...

She sms-ed me after reading my comments. She told me not to bother. I mean how could I right? I'm trying to be a friend here. Be someone that you could talk to when you're sad, someone that you want to be with for celebrations. A friend. A punching bag, a stress relief thing for you to bite, a listening ear. Liver damage is something unrepairable. So please watch the drinking. Beer isn't good for the calories it gives. Hard liquor should be drank in moderation. If you go for wine, I wont stop you as there are some good qualities in wines. I've accepted the fact that you have chosen him so I'll try to be me, just a close friend of yours. Just like how you wanted it to be. A friend who cares.

Yes I'm hurt. Yes I'm broken. But I have to endure it. I'm not gonna think that I still have hopes of being with you. I don't want the same thing to happen again. I don't wanna see your confused looks, with agony written all over your expression. I just wanna see you smile. That is my goal, that is my mission.

I most probably be nicer to you that other friends cause of what we had. But these acts are as much as I can do it at a friend level. I don't have other intentions. Yes, I know I would be so nice that it feels as if I want you. I do! I really reallly DO! but I think I know my limits now. At the moment we are just friends. That is a painful reminder I tell myself now. Friends. period.

Wo zhen zhai zhao yi ke jie kou suo ni bu ai wo...

Phantom Of the Opera

It was a magnificent show. Totally captivating. I have no regrets watching this. perhaps the only regret is a lack of a partner. It'll be an unforgettable experience watching it with someone special. The whole show was one splendid performance. From the actors to the props crew to the pit orchestra everything was awesome. Besides all the acting and the singing, the props crew amazed me the most. there were excellent effects and all the prop movement; the speed and the noiseless movement was amazing. Truly a show worth all the penny I spent. I am really inspired. Some day I would like to be the one overseeing all the audio aspect in the esplanade. Ambitious? maybe, I pray I get a chance to.

The part that I think captivated me the most was when after Christine was captured by the Phantom and Raul went to save her. They sang their own individual song as Christine made her choice. It reminded of her when she had to make the tough decision too. The confused look, lack of assurance in her eye. The look that said, if I could, I rather not choose. Man, my heart flipped when I saw that scene. Tears rolled down my face. To see Christine lie to the Phantom that she loved him, hoping that he would release Raul from pain and a certain death by the suffocation of ropes. That was really heart wrenching. And the song he sang after, which now I cant remember, spoke deeply to me. I love this show. Its a love-hate relationship.

I thought maybe doing something is actually good. It can help keep my mind off her. apparently not. Especially when the show is titled Phantom of the Opera. In each scene I can relate the feelings, emotions, the meaning behind the act. Every song speaks the same way as I did, we had a common language. Somehow this show displayed my emotions. As I watched it I see my life being played out. Well it isn't exactly how my life was lived, but the feelings and emotions were. The background of it all about 2 men, 1 lady: that was the core similarity. I loved the songs, I could remember the details of it all as the show went on. I have watched the movie version and I say both are equally good.

I hope my mind wont be filled with her all the time. I wanna move on too. Its hard but I gotta try. I know this time I really loved her, so it'll take some time. My life have to go on, the show must go on. The play isn't finished yet and I want to see the ending. This is the end of day one, I'm coping fine.

I don't want the bruise to stop hurting

Everything is crashing in my face

That is exactly how I feel. I was about to have lunch about 5 mins ago when my little brother have to drop a place right infront of me. I thank God that the plate missed both of us and neither of us sustained any cuts. but the scene after the plate have crash is just like my life now. Big pieces of emotions, small fragments of memories lying all over the place. Scattered and lost. The worst part, I feel is that the really tiny ones that are almost invisible to the naked eye would hurt someone else or even myself in the most unknowing way.

Loneliness is not good. the cropped up emotions of being alone can cause sanity imbalance. True that you can offer it to God, but humanly you need to let loose. When the plate crashed earlier I had the insane thought of yelling as it crash. perhaps that would break the emotion like the plate and cause lesser suffering to me. however, I did not. there's no point yelling when there are people around that wont understand why you did that for.

my life is smashed.someone please come along to pick me up

A New Day

I woke up this morning with a heavy and painful heart. somehow I dont sleep well anymore. I wake up at 6.30am, 7.10am... all these weird timings. As I sit here typing this my head is empty. Except for the fact that I am stilling thinking of her. I cant plan my day as nothing is coming into my head. I wanna get work and go exercise but head cant seem to slot them in. I cant plan anymore. Not at this moment.

I need to get myself up again. I'm mentally strong, emotionally weak. And they conflict damn badly. Maybe I'll go try Yamaha P.S. for the job. At least I can kill sometime working there. I guess for now I need to do something to take her off my mind.

I'm going to watch Phantom of the Opera tonight. Somehow, I'm just not very excited.

i'm trying to breathe

Plans I had...

I really planned far ahead of what if we were together.

On her baptism I wanted to get a port wine from my uncle which is issued by his catholic church for her as celebration. Its really very nice and I'm very sure she'll love it.

On her birthday I wanted to give her the Semilion Gold Label sweet wine that I bought.

These are the two most important things that I thought I wanted to do. Now I guess I don't think I would do any of it. Some other lesser plans... I don't think I even want to list them. I guess now its back to being me. I never had so much fun in my life. I love march 2007.

I'm alone, again

Aftermath

I've just ended my call with Glenda. I guess now it really really is over. THE END! As I predicted I'm really much better after talking to her. She is some miracle drug. I now have to draw a thin fine line between happy with a good friend and feelings for a girl. I won't wanna get into this mess again. It is a happy mess but I guess it is not good for my heart or my soul or anything or anyone.

Well since this blog was started in the midst of all the messiness and all here is some background info... this is the song I written for Glenda when I came back from Hong Kong after we had to end our short relationship.

First Love

Verse 1:
If a flame never died
How much would it take to light up again
If a love never died
How much would it take to love again

Pre Chorus 1:
Maybe a touch
Maybe a smile
Maybe a kiss
Maybe everything everything
You do make me smile

Chorus:
Did you forget our first love
Did you forget our first touch
Did you forget our first kiss
And everything that joined our hearts
The way you held my hand in your
And all I want is you
My first love

Verse 2:
If you had told me
How much I meant to you
Then I’ll never be
Too late to say I love you

Pre Chorus 2:
Maybe a hint
Maybe a sign
Maybe a note
Maybe anything anything
You can do to let me know

Bridge:
If I could turn back time
To a place and time
To a time when you could
Accept my love
I do my best
To win your heart again

God I must say you are really God. Your word is truth and it speaks life. I hope this lesson you provided for me is only the beginning of much more to come. Let your will be done in my life as it is in heaven.

Ending Note

Date: 28/03/07

Day: Thurs

Time: 10.48pm

I’m thankful for the time we had. 6 days in Hong Kong, then back in Singapore the remaining days of March. Time we had together in secret was fun and all. But I guess it is only right you go back to him. He IS your boyfriend after all. Well I love you, from the bottom of my heart.

The end

Date: 28/03/07

Day: Thurs

Time: 10.39pm

I guess this is it. As I’m typing this Glenda has just hinted that Jacob might be the choice. Well her friends are all against her decision about me. Well it is only right. I am the evil one that came between them. I told her I was worried that he won all of her heart and she asked what if he did. My heart just died. I guess that is also the end of the pact. 999 hours on the phone. All I had was 6 hours. I’m devastated at this moment. I hope my life can go on. But I doubt it.

Test Drive

Date: 28/03/07

Day: Thurs

Time: 10.16pm

I just came back with a test drive with my dad. No car tonight he said. Oh well there goes my hope of giving her a surprise. I can’t fulfill my promise to her before the sabbatical. I’m really worried about the outcome of her sabbatical. I wonder what would happen. Dear Lord I’m really committing it to you. Please don’t break my heart.

I’m gonna talk to her soon. I hope I can gain some comfort from the whole day of waiting. I really have no idea if Jacob managed to win all her heart back in one WHOLE day. I’m feeling damn scared right now. Anxiety is so much that I might slip into hyper ventilation. I try not to be pushy now or impatient or anything. I think it’s a very crucial moment now. Oh well, after the talk with her I’ll be better I guess.

The longest day

Date: 28/03/07

Day: Thurs

Time: 7.41pm

You never know how slowly time passes unless you have nothing to do. For me this has change. Time passes really really slowly when you are waiting for someone. It isn’t the type of wait where you wait for her arrival at the meeting place. Rather this is the type of wait where things are indefinite. Today I waited. She went to Sentosa with Jacob and thus I’m left alone to do my stuff. I went to the driving centre with Auntie Jenny to get my temporary license and then to the concourse with her to get her spectacles done. I did sms her in the morn and some parts of the day. But the main activity for today was waiting. For a reply from her, for her to tell me she is free to meet me. For anything that allowed me to spend time with her.

Today is the day before Glenda is going to take a sabbatical from Jacob and myself. She needs rest and to ask God about who to choose. I’ve seen her tired confused face over this issue before and I really felt bad. I started the mess. I did. I did not do it on purpose. I swear. I did not even plan or think about it. Things just happened. But I did not regret not at all.

As I write this I find myself being drawn deeper in love with Glenda. Somehow I just want to be with her. It’s a personality thing, not a sexual wanting. Perhaps this is what “absence makes the heart grows fonder” means. Today I waited. Today my head was all filled with her. My head kept reminding me her scent, giving me the thought that she might be near. Well maybe she is, after all her jacket was still in my bag.

I came back after going to the optician since I had nothing to do. I quit the world of warcraft sometime back because she did not like talking to me while I gamed away. I used to play football manager while talking to her. It takes up less concentration and helped in allowing me to give her the attention she wanted. Now as I’ve nothing to do and all, I don’t feel like playing. All in my mind is Glenda. You girl, you’re all that is in my head nothing else.

Browsing the web I found a song that is written by Jesse McCartney that really speaks of how I felt. The words are exactly how I felt now. Just like that time when I heard Iris. These are Glenda songs now. Just like the one I wrote for her. Each time I hear them it’ll remind me of her. Here are the lyrics of the song:

Just so you know – Jesse McCartney

I shouldn't love you but I want you
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

I shouldn't love you but I want you
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus:]
Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus]

This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...been waiting here

[Chorus]

The past few days I have not been able to view her blog. After reading the help section on blogspot I finally found the cure and YES I AM ABLE TO VIEW her blog now. As I go through her wishlist, I found that Jacob is trying to complete all of it. And I? Nothing. I have not managed to give her even one item on the list. I wonder if I’m fit to be with her. Somehow I think Jacob is more worthy. Even her friends, Lydia and Alicia both support Jacob. God help me. As much as I want to be obedient and live in accordance to your will, I like to be with Glenda. You have shown me someone who has met all my criteria as a girlfriend yet Lord you seem to not allow us to be together. Why?! Lord is this a test of faith? This is really torturous. I know I have tortured Jacob in the same way by trying to poach his girlfriend but I can’t control my heart.

Daddy came back early today. I hope that later I would be allowed to take the car out. I hope to drive to Glenda’s place and see her before she goes on sabbatical. One week without her. No contact unless emergency. I wonder if the waiting would get worse then this. I want to let her know how much I love her. How much she meant to me. I want to give her a ride later, a promise I made that she is the first person I drive with. I really do hope I can fulfill that later.

If a day ever comes that she ever read this journal or I give this to her, all I want her to know is that I love her very very much. Sweetheart, you make me smile and cry.

Beginning of something old

Date: 28/3/07

Day: Thurs

Time: 3.19am

It seems like after so long, I’ve started being in love with Glenda again. Just hours ago I passed my driving test. Thank God for His Grace and Mercies. I doubt I would be able to do this without Him. Thank you Lord.

While driving back to school after the test route, I saw a very familiar van outside the driving school; a sky blue Peugeot LGV. I did not realize that it was Ryan’s van until when I walked into the building for debrief that I saw my surprise. Glenda. I went up to the debrief room waiting the sentence. The tester was NOT AT ALL friendly. He was hostile with his words. “Did you know that you have to keep to the left lane at all times? You were road hogging just now you that? Why?” “And your lane changing is very abrupt” *tsk tsk tsk* *shakes head* “Is this your first attempt?” I nodded. He turned the checklist to the last page, wrote 18 and ticked passed. “Go to the counter and get your license.” I can’t explain the joy. It was pure happiness!

I pity my dearest mummy for traveling down to the centre for me. I needed a passport photo for the license and asked if she could help me bring one down. Guess what? The counter rejected it as the claim the face in the picture was too big. Oh well I guess I’ll have to do it tomorrow. After that, mummy went off (I felt really bad about this) as I was waiting for my refund of cash and closure of student account, with my sweetheart. I was so glad she was there. After settling the stuff at SSDC, I decided to send her home.

It was a nice bus ride to Punggol. I’m beginning to find familiarity in that place, trying to recognize the buildings and roads in that area. As the bus stop was far from her place, I walked her home, right to her doorstep. I was really happy just being with her. Leaving her house, I walked down to the bus stop near her place to take back towards home. She called, as before leaving, I emo-ed a little. I was upset to hear that she was going to Sentosa the next day with Jacob and had made some noise about it. She made my day again. We talked as I waited for my bus all the way till I reached home.

We were still talking when I was home. Until her parents came back then we hung up the phone. After that I went to watch the television. I decided to sms her as I was beginning to miss her a little. I went to my room and saw that she was online and we chatted there. (I wonder if this can be taken into account of our pact.) I was looking at used car and she too wanted to have a look thus we began searching for some cars online and comparing them. After awhile, I decided to ask her to call me to chat. That started the 5 and a half hour long chat. She did her work while I just kept her company. It was fun to me. I wasn’t bored at all. Before hanging up the phone I asked her. Shall we have the 999hours over the phone pact again? She used to think that it was childish, but somehow, now, it seemed appropriate, I called it the test of time. I hope we can achieve this someway, somehow.