Ghost of you and me

Have you ever liked or loved someone so much that she becomes a standard (for you when looking for another girl) or a haunting? (where you can never not think about her even when you are dating someone new). It's like no matter which girl or who ever else you might be with, you just cant seem to help but compare or base your experience of what to do, or how to relate to that one particular girl. The feeling is so strong, so intense that its imprinted right into your core; a seal upon your heart. Perhaps that is the way Jesus demands of us. Jealously in love, with an all consuming passion. Yet, because His love is perfect, it will never hurt us. In it, only freedom reigns. I think perhaps this is the lesson He wants me to learn. But why must He use her? Its like because its just a lesson, I think nothing can ever happen between us. Honestly, she is the 2nd girl who have ever made me feel this way. The 2nd person who if she told me that she wanted to get married now, I would have left all else behind and worked hard to make ends meet. Silly? I think if you ever felt this way before you would understand what I mean. Its rare to meet someone you know for sure in your heart is the one. Yet circumstances in life, oh man. Lets not go there...

Dr. Richard Teo

Below is the transcript of the talk of Dr. Richard Teo, who is a 40-year-old millionaire and cosmetic surgeon with a stage-4 lung cancer but selflessly
came to share with the D1 class his life experience on 19-Jan-2012.

Hi good morning to all of you. My voice is a bit hoarse, so please bear with me. I thought I'll just introduce myself. My name is Richard, I'm a medical doctor. And I thought I'll

just share some thoughts of my life. It's my pleasure to be invited by prof. Hopefully, it can get you thinking about how... as you pursue this.. embarking on your training to become dental surgeons, to think about other things as well.

Since young, I am a typical product of today's society. Relatively successful product that society requires.. From young, I came from a below average family. I was told by the media... and people around me that happiness is about success. And that success is about being wealthy. With this mind-set, I've always be extremely competitive, since I was young.

Not only do I need to go to the top school, I need to have success in all fields. Uniform groups, track, everything. I needed to get trophies, needed to be successful, I needed to have colours award, national colours award, everything. So I was highly competitive since young. I went on to medical school, graduated as a doctor. Some of you may know that within the medical faculty, ophthalmology is one of the most highly sought after specialities. So I went after that as well. I was given a traineeship in ophthalmology, I was also given a research scholarship by NUS to develop lasers to treat the eye.

So in the process, I was given 2 patents, one for the medical devices, and another for the lasers. And you know what, all this academic achievements did not bring me any wealth. So once I completed my bond with MOH, I decided that this is taking too long, the training in eye surgery is just taking too long. And there's lots of money to be made in the private sector. If you're aware, in the last few years, there is this rise in aesthetic medicine. Tons of money to be made there. So I decided, well, enough of staying in institution, it's time to leave. So I quit my training halfway and I went on to set up my aesthetic clinic... in town, together with a day surgery centre.

You know the irony is that people do not make heroes out average GP (general practitioner), family physicians. They don't. They make heroes out of people who are rich and famous. People who are not happy to pay $20 to see a GP, the same person have no qualms paying ten thousand dollars for a liposuction, 15 thousand dollars for a breast augmentation, and so on and so forth. So it's a no brainer isn't? Why do you want to be a gp? Become an aesthetic physician. So instead of healing the sick and ill, I decided that I'll become a glorified beautician. So, business was good, very good. It started off with waiting of one week, then became 3weeks, then one month, then 2 months, then 3 months. I was overwhelmed; there were just too many patients. Vanities are fantastic business. I employed one doctor, the second doctor, the 3rd doctor, the 4th doctor. And within the 1st year, we're already raking in millions. Just the 1st year. But never is enough because I was so obsessed with it. I started to expand into Indonesia to get all the rich Indonesian tai-tais who wouldn't blink an eye to have a procedure done. So life was really good.

So what do I do with the spare cash. How do I spend my weekends? Typically, I'll have car club gatherings. I take out my track car, with spare cash I got myself a track car. We have car club gatherings. We'll go up to Sepang in Malaysia. We'll go for car racing. And it was my life. With other spare cash, what do i do? I get myself a Ferrari. At that time, the 458 wasn't out, it's just a spider convertible, 430. This is a friend of mine, a schoolmate who is a forex trader, a banker. So he got a red one, he was wanting all along a red one, I was getting the silver one.

So what do I do after getting a car? It's time to buy a house, to build our own bungalows. So we go around looking for a land to build our own bungalows, we went around hunting. So how do i live my life? Well, we all think we have to mix around with the rich and famous. This is one of the Miss Universe. So we hang around with the beautiful, rich and famous. This by the way is an internet founder. So this is how we spend our lives, with dining and all the restaurants and Michelin Chefs you know.

So I reach a point in life that I got everything for my life. I was at the pinnacle of my career and all. That's me one year ago in the gym and I thought I was like, having everything under control and reaching the pinnacle.

Well, I was wrong. I didn't have everything under control. About last year March, I started to develop backache in the middle of nowhere. I thought maybe it was all the heavy squats I was doing. So I went to SGH, saw my classmate to do an MRI, to make sure it's not a slipped disc or anything. And that evening, he called me up and said that we found bone marrow replacement in your spine. I said, sorry what does that mean? I mean I know what it means, but I couldn't accept that. I was like “Are you serious?” I was still running around going to the gym you know. But we had more scans the next day, PET scans - positrons emission scans, they found that actually I have stage 4 terminal lung cancer. I was like "Whoa where did that come from?” It has already spread to the brain, the spine, the liver and the adrenals. And you know one moment I was there, totally thinking that I have everything under control, thinking that I've reached the pinnacle of my life. But the next moment, I have just lost it.

This is a CT scan of the lungs itself. If you look at it, every single dot there is a tumour. We call this miliaries tumour. And in fact, I have tens of thousands of them in the lungs. So, I was told that even with chemotherapy, that I'll have about 3-4months at most. Did my life come crushing on, of course it did, who wouldn't? I went into depression, of course, severe depression and I thought I had everything.

See the irony is that all these things that I have, the success, the trophies, my cars, my house and all. I thought that brought me happiness. But i was feeling really down, having severe depression. Having all these thoughts of my possessions, they brought me no joy. The thought of... You know, I can hug my Ferrari to sleep, no... No, it is not going to happen. It brought not a single comfort during my last ten months. And I thought they were, but they were not true happiness. But it wasn't. What really brought me joy in the last ten months was interaction with people, my loved ones, friends, people who genuinely care about me, they laugh and cry with me, and they are able to identify the pain and suffering I was going through. That brought joy to me, happiness. None of the things I have, all the possessions, and I thought those were supposed to bring me happiness. But it didn't, because if it did, I would have felt happy think about it, when I was feeling most down..

You know the classical Chinese New Year that is coming up. In the past, what do I do? Well, I will usually drive my flashy car to do my rounds, visit my relatives, to show it off to my friends. And I thought that was joy, you know. I thought that was really joy. But do you really think that my relatives and friends, whom some of them have difficulty trying to make ends meet, that will truly share the joy with me? Seeing me driving my flashy car and showing off to them? No, no way. They won’t be sharing joy with me. They were having problems trying to make ends meet, taking public transport. In fact i think, what I have done is more like you know, making them envious, jealous of all I have. In fact, sometimes even hatred.

Those are what we call objects of envy. I have them, I show them off to them and I feel it can fill my own pride and ego. That didn't bring any joy to these people, to my friends and relatives, and I thought they were real joy.

Well, let me just share another story with you. You know when I was about your age, I stayed in king Edward VII hall. I had this friend whom I thought was strange. Her name is Jennifer, we're still good friends. And as I walk along the path, she would, if she sees a snail, she would actually pick up the snail and put it along the grass patch. I was like why do you need to do that? Why dirty your hands? It’s just a snail. The truth is she could feel for the snail. The thought of being crushed to death is real to her, but to me it's just a snail. If you can't get out of the pathway of humans then you deserve to be crushed, it’s part of evolution isn't it? What an irony isn't it?

There I was being trained as a doctor, to be compassionate, to be able to empathise; but I couldn't. As a house officer, I graduated from medical school, posted to the oncology department at NUH. And, every day, every other day I witness death in the cancer department. When I see how they suffered, I see all the pain they went through. I see all the morphine they have to press every few minutes just to relieve their pain. I see them struggling with their oxygen breathing their last breath and all. But it was just a job. When I went to clinic every day, to the wards every day, take blood, give the medication but was the patient real to me? They weren't real to me. It was just a job, I do it, I get out of the ward, I can't wait to get home, I do my own stuff.

Was the pain, was the suffering the patients went through real? No. Of course I know all the medical terms to describe how they feel, all the suffering they went through. But in truth, I did not know how they feel, not until I became a patient. It is until now; I truly understand how they feel. And, if you ask me, would I have been a very different doctor if I were to re-live my life now, I can tell you yes I will. Because I truly understand how the patients feel now. And sometimes, you have to learn it the hard way.

Even as you start just your first year, and you embark this journey to become dental surgeons, let me just challenge you on two fronts.

Inevitably, all of you here will start to go into private practice. You will start to accumulate wealth. I can guarantee you. Just doing an implant can bring you thousands of dollars, it's fantastic money. And actually there is nothing wrong with being successful, with being rich or wealthy, absolutely nothing wrong. The only trouble is that a lot of us like myself couldn't handle it.

Why do I say that? Because when I start to accumulate, the more I have, the more I want. The more I wanted, the more obsessed I became. Like what I showed you earlier on, all I can was basically to get more possessions, to reach the pinnacle of what society did to us, of what society wants us to be. I became so obsessed that nothing else really mattered to me. Patients were just a source of income, and I tried to squeeze every single cent out of these patients.

A lot of times we forget, whom we are supposed to be serving. We become so lost that we serve nobody else but just ourselves. That was what happened to me. Whether it is in the medical, the dental fraternity, I can tell you, right now in the private practice, sometimes we just advise patients on treatment that is not indicated. Grey areas. And even though it is not necessary, we kind of advocate it. Even at this point, I know who are my friends and who genuinely cared for me and who are the ones who try to make money out of me by selling me "hope". We kind of lose our moral compass along the way. Because we just want to make money.

Worse, I can tell you, over the last few years, we bad mouth our fellow colleagues, our fellow competitors in the industry. We have no qualms about it. So if we can put them down to give ourselves an advantage, we do it. And that's what happening right now, medical, dental everywhere. My challenge to you is not to lose that moral compass. I learnt it the hard way, I hope you don't ever have to do it.

Secondly, a lot of us will start to get numb to our patients as we start to practise. Whether is it government hospitals, private practice, I can tell you when I was in the hospital, with stacks of patient folders, I can't wait to get rid of those folders as soon as possible; I can't wait to get patients out of my consultation room as soon as possible because there is just so many, and that's a reality. Because it becomes a job, a very routine job. And this is just part of it. Do I truly know how the patient feels back then? No, I don't. The fears and anxiety and all, do I truly understand what they are going through? I don't, not until when this happens to me and I think that is one of the biggest flaws in our system.

We’re being trained to be healthcare providers, professional, and all and yet we don't know how exactly they feel. I'm not asking you to get involved emotionally, I don't think that is professional but do we actually make a real effort to understand their pain and all? Most of us won’t, alright, I can assure you. So don't lose it, my challenge to you is to always be able to put yourself in your patient's shoes.

Because the pain, the anxiety, the fear are very real even though it's not real to you, it's real to them. So don't lose it and you know, right now I'm in the midst of my 5th cycle of my chemotherapy. I can tell you it’s a terrible feeling. Chemotherapy is one of those things that you don't wish even your enemies to go through because it's just suffering, lousy feeling, throwing out, you don't even know if you can retain your meals or not. Terrible feeling! And even with whatever little energy now I have, I try to reach out to other cancer patients because I truly understand what pain and suffering is like. But it's kind of little too late and too little.

You guys have a bright future ahead of you with all the resource and energy, so I’m going to challenge you to go beyond your immediate patients. To understand that there are people out there who are truly in pain, truly in hardship. Don’t get the idea that only poor people suffer. It is not true. A lot of these poor people do not have much in the first place, they are easily contented. for all you know they are happier than you and me but there are out there, people who are suffering mentally, physically, hardship, emotionally, financially and so on and so forth, and they are real. We choose to ignore them or we just don't want to know that they exist.

So do think about it alright, even as you go on to become professionals and dental surgeons and all. That you can reach out to these people who are in need. Whatever you do can make a large difference to them. I'm now at the receiving end so I know how it feels, someone who genuinely care for you, encourage and all. It makes a lot of difference to me. That’s what happens after treatment. I had a treatment recently, but I’ll leave this for another day. A lot of things happened along the way, that's why I am still able to talk to you today.

I'll just end of with this quote here, it's from this book called Tuesdays with Morris, and some of you may have read it. Everyone knows that they are going to die; every one of us knows that. The truth is, none of us believe it because if we did, we will do things differently. When I faced death, when I had to, I stripped myself off all stuff totally and I focused only on what is essential. The irony is that a lot of times, only when we learn how to die then we learn how to live. I know it sounds very morbid for this morning but it's the truth, this is what I’m going through.

Don’t let society tell you how to live. Don’t let the media tell you what you're supposed to do. Those things happened to me. And I led this life thinking that these are going to bring me happiness. I hope that you will think about it and decide for yourself how you want to live your own life. Not according to what other people tell you to do, and you have to decide whether you want to serve yourself, whether you are going to make a difference in somebody else's life. Because true happiness doesn't come from serving yourself. I thought it was but it didn't turn out that way. With that I thank you, if you have any questions you have for me, please feel free. Thank you.

Passion

When your passion begins to decline, you already start to die. You were born to burn. Elisha came to the king and said, "Please strike the ground with these arrows." And he struck the ground three times. The prophet became furious at the king and said, "If only you had struck the ground five or six times you would have annihilated the enemy, but now you're only going to have three temporary victories." Because the king did not live out of passion, he couldn't carry the anointing that God wanted to give him, and it cost the nation. When leaders don't have passion, it costs everyone who follows. - Bill Johnson

Love is my Drug

I fell for it again. Except that this time I know where I stand. Love hurts. But there is comfort in being intoxicated by talking to her. I'm like a drug addict. Keep injecting toxic into my blood stream even though I know it will kill me one day. Why? I dont know, maybe that is what addicts feel. The comfort and release while in a state of estacy. Sure it cannot last and you'll be back for more. So in the same way I put my heart into yet another roller coaster ride. Except this time, exam and submissions are near. Will I crash?

Loser much?

I gave you my heart, but you left it there sitting on the table, collecting dust. Am I a safety net or someone who should be taken for granted? I ask questions that are answered by Yes, No, I dont know, Why. Never a direct answer, never something that you could tell me wholeheartedly. I am a guy, a fairly simple one. Give me what I want and no one gets hurt. What I want aint too much or too hard to give. Just assurance of your love and to show concern. But I guess, we never could work. I wonder how much you lied to me, but that's something I dont wanna know. Love the way you lie? oh yea. I like it even better when my fist hit the dry wall next to your face. I might be angry with you, but I will never hurt you. NEVER. So now you say you are lonely. What happened to all the other guys? Where are they? I thought you had plenty of choices that I can be left aside, swept away. I dont know if I should show you any concern now. I want to, but it'll lead to something without a end. A vicious cycle which I can foresee coming. So maybe you are too far away, too different in thoughts, language barrier and what not. Good luck. Maybe I'll try one last time, maybe I wont. But if the signs of the same cycle appears just a tiny weeny bit, Imma drop you off for good.

Hey I say that all the time, but I just cant let it go huh. Loser.

New level

Insomnia from missing someone. This is kinda like a first. Never happened before. Why cant I just let it go completely?

Really?

If shes amazing, she wont be easy.
If shes easy, she wont be amazing.
If shes worth it, you wont give up.
If you give up, you're not worthy.

Easier said than done. Try being the one on the other side. Giving up isnt because its not worth it or that the guy/girl aint worthy. I give up because my poor heart just cant take it. Imagine rising and falling a million time in a span of a day. The thrill of a rollercoaster ride becomes more like a death sentence with each drop. You would become an emotional wreak before you even know it. It affects the people all around you with that sudden gloom in your countenance. Giving up isnt a wussy decision. There are times to give up and try again later. If you were meant to be (as they always say) she'll be there at the end of the day, cause something special inside the both of you sparked off and you know its not the same with anyone else.

Then again, sometimes you have to know your value. I must say you have to be realistic. Wanna date a supermodel? Sure, are you of the same calibre? Perhaps the not worthy part is about you and where you stand. Society is harsh. Poor and rich, social status, etc... they play a part in saying what you are worth.

But I believe everyone is worthy. That is why Christ died. I know what this statement is trying to say and I agree with it to a certain extend but, I still believe that EVERYONE IS WORTHY. If you truly believe and keep on keeping on, keep on trying, knowing your heart wont die out on you or that your emotions are strong enough to hold of the rejection times after time, I say GO FOR IT! Know what you are in for and pursue it passionately. If you give up as mentioned above, I wont look down on you or be a wet blanket. But like the loving Father, I would embrace you and ask you to try again. You know what makes you smile and cry, so try again and look out for that (another?) her. Trust Him. ALL things work for the good of those who love Him.

What?

Loving you is so tiring. Its like a roller-coaster that has no ending.
I always wonder to myself, why I do have to go through this shit?
Many times I wanna quit, saying that this is it.

But I cant get over you, cant let go of something I never once had.
If that is the case can someone please tell me why am I sad?
Why am I crying over something I never had?
The answer I cannot find, the reason I know not why.

I'm just gonna do my thing. You know how you can affect me.
Just like before, you can make me smile or watch me cry.
But unlike before, this time, I'm gonna have to make it.
I might not get over you, but I wanna get to a place where I can do what I wanna do.
You are sort of my motivation, it helps me to reach places where I wanna reach.
Fuels my motivation to work harder, to reach my goals faster.

Its weird, how I even end up like this. Its been a while such a hold was placed on me.

Answer to Drumming...

The single most popular question I get asked is...

 

"If you could only share JUST ONE piece of advice to help

me improve my drumming - what would it be?"

 

This is a great question and I spent a number of years really trying to come up with the perfect answer. On the one hand, I don't believe there is any one tip or trick that can radically change anyone's drumming ability overnight.  On the other hand, I really felt that this question deserved a good answer.

 

Then it clicked! I realized that the fact I was struggling to come up with an answer was part of the answer itself... It takes TIME!

 

You see - drumming isn't about any one tip or trick. Instead, it is about steady progress that builds momentum over time! Avoid falling into the trap of looking for a quick-solution and instead focus on consistent daily progress!

The real key to drumming success is simply staying motivated through daily progress. The more

progress we make - the more motivated we become, and the more motivated we become - the more we want to keep progressing. Then one day we suddenly realize how quickly we've improved!

 

- Jared Falk

Father's Love

I would like to share a beautiful illustration of how much God the Father loves us and how much love He has for us.

"Here the mystery of my life unveiled. I am loved so much that I am left free to leave home. The blessing is there from the beginning. I have left it and keep on leaving it. But the Father is always looking for me with outstretched arms to receive me back and whisper again in my ear: "You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests."" - Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Return of the Prodigal Son

Thank You Jennifer for sharing this on Facebook

UPDATE:
The Return of the Prodigal Son by Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn, 1669.

One of the most beautiful paintings I've come to love--one that I can gaze upon all day and night while I seek communion and enjoy the Loving embrace of the Father.

The loving embrace of the Father whose hands knitted me together in my mother's womb; whose hands protected me in times of danger and consoled me in times of grief; whose hands waved me goodbye when He gave me the freedom to leave home but remained outstretched indefatigably in hopes of my return so He can speak words of love and encouragement when I'm tired of searching and finding for that Love from the wrong people and in the wrong places.

The unfathomable love and infinite mercy of God. It blows my mind!

From Jennifer again - via Facebok (4/10/12)

Till that one sweet day

I know he is still lingering in your thoughts and you are about to swear off love altogether. Funny how now you meet more of my kind than the other huh? Life is funny. It always (more often than not) goes against our wants. I am just glad that now we are starting to talk. Maybe I'll have to take things real slow, skype now and then and see where this goes. I know now priority goes back to providing for your family again. Not that it wasnt before, but then life was easier having that love you wanted. Well, maybe you could try again soon, when you are ready. My love for you would always stick around. I really look to the day where you will come to me "manja-ing" after a day at work or just having a chat being you yourself. You have no idea how happy I am just to see you. It boost my morale straight away. To me, you are better than red bull or any boutique coffee. I think if anyone is feeling tired or moody, just think of someone whom you love and I think that would really keep you going. I never experience such a thing before till now. It feels great! I think that is how our love relationship with Jesus should be. He motivates and keeps us going. Knowing that perfect love keeps out all fear and that we can go that extra mile. I hope that this could be the beginning of something special and hopefully we'll eventually be together, one sweet day.

On another note, after talking to Joyce today I really am giving myself 5 more years to make it. By the grace of God I have to somehow make it. 5 years may seem a lot at first, but it really isnt. If by my calculations and prediction/projection, by then I should almost reach a professional level(semi-pro?). And by the 8th year, a full fledged career running. 3 more years to graduation. I hope to spend 1 year in US and 1 year in Bangkok. I know its kinda too much to have my parents supporting me still, but I am thankful to them for supporting me thus far in chasing my dreams and calling. I dont know what lies ahead. But I am confident in the Faithful One who has called me. Not by my abilities nor by my efforts, but by His Spirit and His will, all things will be made beautiful. I am excited. I really am.

Perfect Love conquers all fear. I will continue to persevere though its hard.

...Nobody said that it was easy, no one ever said that it would be this hard...