How deep the Father's love for us!

So 2 days ago you whatsapp me, asking me how was I. Honestly, I was ecstatic to see your message. I thought maybe this could be the turn around. But as I chatted with you for 2 days, I realised that it was like the beginning. Nothing changed. Hey, I dont mind chasing you, but I know when I'm not getting through. I dont wanna reach a point where a single positive move made by you equates a whole victory like feeling on my side. I am so not gonna be like what happened before. Once bitten, twice shy.

So you texted me to ask about me only. What's that supposed to mean? I know you are sad because of him and need time to get over, yeah, I get that too. And then you want me to talk to you as a friend only but you hardly even respond. Oh, maybe I forgot to tell you that I dont know how to treat you as a friend cause to me you are more than that. Or maybe, I dont even know what you want from me? I know I am being friend-zoned, but then what is these talk about liking me before? A lie or a "I like you as a friend..." thingy?!

In the past, if someone would to ask me this question, "Who would you choose? Someone who loves you or someone you love?" I would answer confidently, "Of course the one who loves me." But today, I cant say the same. The one who loves, or rather, I would prefer to use the word like, me is someone I dont deny is ok. Just that in my heart, there is no space for her while the one I love is still lingering around.

While on this note, every girl (well I can say almost every, since there isnt many anyway) that I have seriously chase and was in love with (not just a crush and all you know) has a special place in my heart. Some more, some less, but I never ever forget what I liked about them, what made me fell in love with them. My memory seems super good at this and my heart (I like to think I have super amount of love, HAHA!) is large enough to hold them all. Even if some of them are now just a memory, the thought about anyone of them still cause me to smile. 

I am not angry or anything here. I just need to let it out, talk it out, let things not bottle up inside cause I have no idea when I might explode from the 1001 thoughts that are running about in my mind. I have so many contrasting views here and there but the One I seek answer from is totally silent. I'm sorry Daddy I've not been the best boy or doing things the right way. But You know my heart is for You. Its yearning for You. I have many excuses to say why I am not doing this or that, but I just need You. Help me and remind me each and everyday.

You know, I am trying not to fall too deep in love with you. Cause I am very sure I heard the Word correctly, none till your studies is over. Yet time and time again, I fail. I chase, I fail, I fall flat. In this case she might not be a choice of a wise man, yet I chose her. I cant seem to fill my mind with music and work related stuffs only. You pop in every now and then, as if a haunting that I cant get rid of.

But if you and I worked out, I know that that would be the most beautiful story ever told in my life. I believe that it would be a touching testimony for many. I dont know what you may think, but I believe that you would be as grateful as I am to a God who is so loving and forgiving, Maker of all things new, the Perfecter of Faith and the saving One. I can only imagine who it would be like, standing with you at the aisle, exchanging our vows and rings. I dare to say this again. If you werent so pretty or had a good figure, knowing you and your heart was beautiful enough for me. I might be blinded by your beauty for now, but I know your heart. I felt it. I know its real. Sadly it just isnt meant for me yet.

I  once saw a quote: "Keep a journal - record your thoughts and dreams there. Its a place for you to declare to the universe and write your dreams come true." This blog, journal whatever, was meant for this. A place to help me remember all that has happened and gone by. A place where I can shout without hurting anyone. A place where I can state my dreams and declare it into the atmosphere. A place where I hope words becoming worlds. Not every words here, but you know what I mean.

A friend tweeted this line from a song: How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure!" The following line of the song is: "That He should give His only Son, to make a wretch His treasure." I dont know why, but after seeing that tweet I feel so convinced, so in need of His love and forgiveness that I went to youtube and listened to that song over and over again. It spoke to my heart something, something that my mind cannot comprehend.

Sure, its hard to be friends with someone you are in love with. But Jesus is a friend who is forever in love with you. If you like to, you can receive His love. Its FREE!

"Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer.
But this I know with all my heart,
His wounds have paid my ransom"