the stone in my heart

This week has been AMAZING! There were so many things I did that were totally crazy.

Sunday, vocal training was good. Ignoring the teacher, my team were doing very well and I could feel like God was there anointing us as we sang. It marks the end of my training and I felt that it has been beneficial no matter what has happened.

I had to go back home for dinner as it was my aunt's birthday. The rest of the gang was lan-ing. I all truth, I was really down. I wanted to join them, I wanted to go. But I knew where my responsibility was. This was an aunt that has brought me up and its only respectful that I attend this dinner.

After much struggle within myself about all the planning how I could go and meet them, I told the Lord, I want to obey Him. I left it at His feet and just decided to stay home. There are many things to I have committed to the Lord and one of them is my relationship with Glenda. Its not about if I want to or not. Its not about pride and of who gives in. Its about obedience.

After all that thoughts and telling them to God, I was rewarded almost instantly. Cass called me to say that they are hanging out much later than planned asked if I wanted to join them. I asked for permission to use the car and off I went.

What happened next is totally out of my mind. We went to a HongKong like cafe for desserts and stayed there for awhile. Jacob and Glenda had to leave earlier and so I was left to send Joel and Jeremiah. But when we were leaving, Cass, Sam and Vanny didn't want to go home yet. So Shaun gave Joel and Jeremiah a lift home while I went out with the girls.

We didn't know where to go and chill and after awhile, we decided to drive up mount Faber. Actually we just wanted to find a place to sit I think. But we ended up playing bridge there. It was here again I felt that I cant measure up. You seem so good, far too good for me. If besides a liking I had for her, it was admiration. I would be totally 'ownt' by her anytime she is good at what I think I would like to learn.

But I really had a good time playing bridge with her and Cass and Sam, who was playing it for the first time. We left the place at 2 am. Did I mention that I had to go back to camp like at 7am later that day? I was surviving on 'high-ness'.

Last night I was invited to my God ma's place for dinner. The YA com was there to do some planning and like bonding session. I think Wii bonds people, its just crazy, what a weird way of bonding people. Then we had to do this words of affirmation. It was really scary for me. To be the one saying and the one sitting there in the middle. Vanny was first to go and when I said want I wanted to say, there were giggles! Some times I find friends a hindrance, but I'm glad that it didn't get blown up and it was just passed on.

Well, all in all we played Wii till late into the night and played Bridge also. We also taught Vanny how to play poker. It was rather funny, she lost all of her credits rather quickly. Well we slept over at my God ma's place and had brunch together.

She left about 12pm to meet her CG girls. After that, I just felt weird. I dont know why but I did. We left the place at 4pm to grab some coffee and they were planning for a farewell dinner/lunch for her, what present to buy and all. All these made me rather emo. I didn't comment much as I really don't know what to say.

The fact that she is leaving is making me miss her. I'm worried for her safety, worried that she is alone overseas. I feel like I'm so short on time to progress on this relationship that I have always wanted to have and now that things have been getting better, she has to leave.

There are many things that I'm thinking of right now. I know I'm fat and that is a turn off. I'm trying hard to do something about it, but its just so difficult. I don't know how impress her, really. You cant really impress someone that you think so highly of right, can you? Its like I'm trying to make her like me. But you cant make someone like you, dumbo! I'm at a loss as to what to do!

I'm rushing to blog this down as I don't want to forget what I want to say and I need to book in really soon.

But after all these thoughts it dawns upon me that there is something missing. This morning when I was doing my Spirituality gifting survey, my top gifting was FAITH. Now, where is my FAITH in this relationship? Where is my trust in this God that I have. Am I using my gift/talents or am I like the guy in the Bible who buries his talent in the ground?

In Cass's word, I am going to commit all these thoughts to the Lord and keep them in prayer. Having the FAITH that my God is an awesome God who loves His children so much He gave His only Son, Jesus. Who would withhold nothing from us but do all things to bring us back to Him. I will guard my heart from being hurt from this relationship and trust the Lord, my God with all my heart, soul and mind and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways I will acknowledge Him and He will make my path straight.

Amen.