And so it is

I lie here in bed at 3:15am. 9hours away from my first class and 11hours away from my first exam this week. I am unprepared for this week's exam. All the prep work seem to be wasted. My mind cannot take in or absorb whatever that I have been trying to make it remember. I am at a loss. Never have I encountered something so hard. Its like everything I need to do I have to refer to my notes or having to try the sound before composing it. My head is in a mess. My drums skill is not on par with my level and my band class songs are not fully ready yet.

I travel yet again back to SG on the 3rd - 13th of Nov and right after that is the submission of projects and final exams. I am so NOT READY for this semester as it comes to an end. My mind is telling me to prepare for the worst, one more semester here in KL. Not that I really want to but I dont really have a choice if I fail any subject. I am so terribly scared that I need God. No, I dont say it as a plea for help, but that even from the beginning, I needed Him. It is a reiteration to tell myself that apart from Him I cannot do this.

I begin to wonder how or what motivates me? I am a very focused person (so I like to think). I do well when only one task is given to me. For example; if this whole semester I only have to do my drums and maybe Ear Training, I probably would do well. But then again, 2 subjects a semester would mean that I would take years to finish my studies. Or shall I just take everything and see which ones I fail and then repeat them? I hate the thoughts of failing or repeating,but music is one subject that relies fully on how much practice is put in. And every subject needs that kind of constant practice and hours put in. If I can find something to motivate and plan my time, I would like to try it.

So many times I tell myself, I am not here to have fun or socialize but I end up doing the opposite. And like now, I panic. So much time has been wasted and I end up with regrets. Oh Lord, please help me this exam. Send someone to teach me and guide me and let me clear all my subjects on time. I would not want to repeat or re-take a semester. I need You Lord, yes I am desperate!

Friends with Benefits? Not!

You know what's funny? I love setting up my life to screw itself up. Like how? Right now at 3 am, I decided to blog instead of getting some sleep. I have to be up at 845 tomorrow morning for a 10am class and 5 hours of sleep aint gonna do me any good.

Ok why am I blogging? Cause I've just watched a pretty nice movie. Friends With Benefit. Well, while Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis are both super duper crazy hot, and the show had lots of sex in it, no thats not what made it good. What really did made it good was how this show addressed something deep within me.

Like the show, I would like to have a girl who is extreme. I like her to have dreams about fairy tales and prince charming but is clear-headed and real at the same time. Who acts strong on the outside yet emotionally soft on the inside. Who for one moment may joke and be an ass but at the next, curling up in your arms and soaking in that silent support. I like her to be above all, my best friend.

Its funny how before this, I was gonna blog about me liking girls who arent the leading lady. Girls like Summer in OC as opposed to Marissa, Or Blair as opposed to Serena in Gossip Girls. But I didnt cause I dont know how to carry on. Its like I know I like them but I cant explain or seem to tell you why. Its just like this.

But really, I wrote this post to remind myself who not to go for. Dont settle for anyone else other than a girl who can be my best friend and girlfriend at the same time. In fact I think I'll fall in love with a female version of me, though many (I myself included) would find that disgusting/disturbing/whatever :P But seriously, I gotta find that someone who I can be happy with all the time (or at least most of the time). Well I did found one, but sadly, we werent meant to be. Anyhow...

And one more thing this post is supposed to remind me of is this: SEX COMPLICATES EVERYTHING! So dont, dont ever have pre-marital in or out of a relationship. It never does any else except to complicate things and leave guilt/scars behind.

So, what is the moral of the story? Wait till you find someone who can makes you laugh with her smile and who can hear your thoughts even though both of you are just sitting in silence. And never let sex complicate your relationships. It never does anything except screwing things up (literally). And when you do get to hold her. Dont let her go without a fight, cause somethings are worth fighting for.

Say whatever you want

The reason that I am studying music not for anyone else but for myself and for the plans that God has for me. So with every improvement, no matter how big or small, I am honouring my teachers, my parents and God Himself. As long as I keep improving, I'm one step closer to my goals.

What are you living for?

I wanna live for that moment, when all else fades, when nothing else matters; no past, no future; in that moment, its just You and me: My bridegroom has come.

Though many things can feel like it, they are substitutes; inferior pleasures. Help me to differentiate these from the real thing. And till I see you face to face, keep my heart pure for You.

Pretty, Brainy, Nerdy, Funny!

Yea, that's what I realised I'm attracted too. I know often I judge by the looks only, but somehow I have been quite accurate at reading people. Co-incidence? I dont know, but I know what I like. Well as they say, like and love are two different things, so dont judge me by what I like. I just wanna like what I like. *Click*

Its been a long while...

Its been more than 2 months since I last posted. I've not been blogging cause it often takes up too much of my time to blog. When I actually have the time, I dont have the mood to do it. But tonight, however, both of these conditions seem to be present and here I am, writing down some things that have been on my mind. And Yes, I am the kind who does things by mood.

So recently I have been back into being a lil crazy about SNSD thanks to my bro, Mingyue. He came back to Msia for the summer and we chatted and all and he lend me a book which got me crazily in love with the girl group all over again.

Well, chasing idols, stars aint my problem. I dont idolise them as gods or anything but what I like is that they are very pretty. I am attracted to their looks and how they, being stars, are really who they say they are.

Its been a while since I've dated someone. Eye candies are all over the place, but with my mind filled with school work, I hardly have the energy to chase any girl. In fact I think I'm beginning to become dull with girls. Not dull as in dont like em, but dull as in I dont know how to chat up with a girl properly anymore.

With Joyce in ET, our only communication now is via the email. In the world today, that is really slow. Email used to be the fastest communication tool, but with SMS and whatsapp and all that, it seems like forever to receive a reply. I'm so used to instantaneous replies that waiting for one seem to be taking forever.

I really miss the time when I can just send a whatsapp message over and I get replies. I miss talking to people who matter and have deep conversations. I feel like crying now cause I have not found someone who I can have soul talk with and be a soul mate to.

I question many things in life. I question if I can make it in the industry. I question if I would be a big hit in the field. I question if I'll ever marry before the world ends. I question if there'll be enough for me and my family. I question many things, but somehow, one thing that I never did or would ever question about is God. O know He is real, even when you dont see Him. I can feel Him, I can hear His voice. I know His Spirit is within me and Christ who is in me, is the hope of Glory. But still I feel lonely. I feel terribly alone.

I feel like I wanna take sometime off and do something meaningful. Maybe a 6months stint in Thailand, or Cebu. Praying for the sick, visiting church members. I dont know why I feel so unsatisfied studying something that I was born to do. I dont know why I wanna finish it asap. I know that there is more than just this studies, which is jus a phase. But this nudging feeling just wont go away.

I can keep ranting on, but I feel that there is no point and no end to it. Reality is as such and I can only keep my eyes on Him and Him alone. May His will be done in my life, that I might glorify Him. I love you Jesus, no matter what it may seem.

In other news...

Yes, so far I have not been successful in trying to date girls. Well, I got sort of rejected by a girl in KL, and then to my surprise, the SG girl is attached. Oh well, bummer right? But its all fine. As much as I wanna be in a relationship, I know I keep hearing these nagging words that its not time yet; Studies first. And I guess its the best for me.

I'm just whining here cause I just saw on Facebook my friend's picture of her and her boyfriend touring Italy. Italy is my dream destination. Either as a honeymoon place or just a holiday with a special someone, its my dream to be there. I love Italy for their food. Not sure about their culture, but I love Italian food. Besides the great food, there is also very nice architectures in that place. Well, Rome is in Italy and the Roman Empire had a very strong history. Its just something I've liked since I was a teen.

One other reasons why I want to visit Italy its cause of the movie "JUMPER". It wasnt a great movie. It had lots of loop holes, but I guess the idea of teleportation just really dig me. And of course one other very strong reason is the main lead actress: Rachel Bilson. I really got smitten with her in this show and going to Italy to see the scene first hand with a special someone would be like being in the show. Minus the teleporting around.

Its been awhile since I've been smitten hard. So for now, its no news. Just some whine and emo-ness. HAH!