Its always been you

Last night I came back very very late after a nights out.

Drank a lot, but wasn't drunk and upon reaching home I just wanted to sleep. The night has been wasted in my opinion. Something I will keep doing yet I know its a waste. Why? Cause these friends are unforgiving but why do I carry on going out with them? I don't know, maybe cause in army now, they are the bunch of support I need.

I am really sorry for replacing a really close friend's 21st night for this bunch of people. Not that she isn't important, but at least she is more forgiving. I made a hasty agreement to the bunch of guys from camp that I couldn't pull myself out from at the last minute. What kind of an ass friend I am.

Apart from all these wrong events or misused night in my opinion, I realised that there is one thing that had been always been on my mind. Though I rarely like exclaimed and rave on and on about her, I know I do it once in a while, but she is some where there deep in my heart and my mind. Somewhere that at times I forget and somewhere so deep I cannot get it out.

Before I left house I read her blog. Then I went out and then all that was in my mind was drinks and how I have abandoned a 21st for drinking. When I reached home, I showered and collapsed on the bed, sleeping immediately. I woke up from a dream that felt like hours, as though I never did sleep.

In my dream I was up in Malaysia for church camp, but only 2 days. I was there on the second day and the third day then I had to leave. But the events that happened were so weird, it was a mixture of nonsense that I cant detail it properly and its too much of a hassle to recall. But the highlight of it was this. I saw her there and I thought it might be my mind playing games, but her best friend told me that its really her. She flew back just for 1 week to attend church camp. In my haste to see her and to made sure it was her, I went to find her only to be stunned and caught dumbfounded staring at her stuttering a response to what I was doing there.

I then went off in embarrassment cursing at myself for being so stupid. I wanted to see her again. I wanted to go out with her. So I picked up all my courage and went back to find her. She wasn't in her room anymore and I walked back to mine depressed. I walked pass a friend who then informed me that she had left for a shopping centre nearby. I rushed to find someone who was also going there.Thankfully my cousin and his family were also going to the shopping centre and gave me a lift.

Upon reaching the shopping centre, I instinctively went straight to the cinemas, no idea why but I just did. And I saw her at the ticketing counter alone and went up to her and tried to buy us 2 movie tickets. But the lady at the counter was speaking Japanese! I was like what the crap?! In Malaysia? A Japanese speaking movie counter salesgirl? In this second embarrassment, she saved me by speaking to the lady and I paid for 2 tickets to a show I don't know what. As we were walking away from the counter, I wanted to explain my embarrassment or at least make up for looking stupid too many times. But before I could speak, I woke up.

I know this is a long post about a really silly dream, but I remember reading somewhere that said, the person you dream about the most is someone who is your deepest desire. Your mind, conscious or sub conscious, is unable to relate to this person or the desire has been suppressed and when you are asleep and the mind is not controlled by the conscious, it allows bits of this desire to be released to remind the person of this memory or the mind just cant stop thinking about it.

That is one explanation. The other, dreams are from God.
But all in all, it has always been the one same you.

The past 1 week

I was in Tekong for a week. From Tuesday till Friday. In these few days, I had a metamorphosis, an alter ego if I may say.

Let me start by saying that on the day I reached Tekong I saw a medical helicopter flying onto the island. I was telling my friends, why did someone called for a heli-casevac (helicopter casualty evacuation) so early in the morning? Yes, I know there is a POP (passing out parade) but that is a little far too cautious of BMTC (Basic Military Training Centre) itself. Usually a medical helicopter is called in when there is a casualty, not call in for stand by.

Little did I know that when I was making that comment, someone has just passed away in Tekong. I felt so sorry and sad when my friend informed me of what had happened. It should have occurred to me that something really wrong had happened. No way would BMTC call in a medical helicopter just for stand by. How dumb.

Anyway, In Tekong, I was going through Navex (navigation exercise) and foot topography. Both were equally tiring and stressful. I realised that I began to behave really differently. I was loud, vulgar and just being boisterous. I made jokes out of people, cursed and swear with vulgarities used in almost every sentence. I was having fun. I was attracting friends having fun and bonding with my team members.

But when I got home, I realised what had happened to me. I became like the world. There was nothing about me that set me apart. I did not do my quiet time and I didnt read His word. I forgot to pray except saying grace at some mealtimes that I remembered. The presence of God was not with me. And I felt really sad. I wanted to read His word when I came back, wanted to hear His words again but I was too tired to do anything.

For 33 days I was doing my QT and Journaling so regularly when it came to the crunch, I lost it. It takes 38 days of consistently doing something for that thing to become a habit. And for the last 5 days, I lost it. I realise that I am one who starts off well, but I dont finish the race well. I am going to realign my life back to God again. I am very determined this time round to get things right. I dont want to live away from God ever again, its too much to give up.

" I wanted to let you know

that I really like you, but I know we cant be together only because someone else has taken my heart. You are fun, easy going, cute and I just adore your handicraft. But I know being with you wont be what the Lord has in His plans. You could be a test for me, a simulation to my future. But for now I'm just glad that we are where we are, only that I hope our friendship can go deeper. A stage where you would share with me things that goes on in your life. You could potentially be that girl that my girlfriend would be jealous of, but yea, I think I've said enough. This could be infatuation only. "

She isnt who you guys think she is. I dont even think she knows about my blog. I've never been together with her before. We are friends and nothing else. But I just had this compulsion today to say this to her. Madness, but I need to guard myself. And if you think its my drum class students, no it isnt.

In Jesus's Name, AMEN!

As your young people continue to seek you in faith, I pray that you would increase their faith. Its not easy to follow the one who is crowned with thorns, but the same one has conquered death, world, satan and is now at the right hand of our Father.

let this generation rise to the challenge of being one who would make a difference and we would run this race that has been marked out for us with perseverance. the friendship and bond of these young people will be so deep that one would lay down his life for another.

together let us be your church and you oh Christ, the head of it all, the cornerstone, the Lord of all of us. This is a time of revival, no like those that non Christians give their lives to you, but Christians, desperately seeking you aligning their lives to you only because you are so real and its so addictive being with you.

We will rise up as the next generations, blessing the nation and making disciples of Christ from all nations till the end of the earth.

In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.