What now?

Ok, so the hype of getting a guitar is over. Discontentment is about to set in, as always. The thought of saving up for the next guitar is just about floating in my head and I've forgotten about contentment and forgotten about providence.

What happened to the me I knew just the other day?

Something isnt quite right with me. Feels like nothing is going my way and everything feels so unfamiliar. I think I might just be falling into Satan's trap of self-pity. I'm so lousy, I'm not good at this, I'm not good at that. I question many things and I feel that I lack many things around me.

I cant particularly say what is wrong, I just feel that something is wrong. Though often I've been told that our relationship with God isnt just based on feelings but on the word of God, I just cant help feeling this way. Its like suddenly I lacked the zeal to worship, I cant get lost in it. I wonder where God is.

There is this moment this morning when Pastor asked people who were at the pre service prayer to pray for the worship team. When Uncle Henry prayed for me, I was tearing. His prayer connected to what I was thinking at the moment. He prayed, that Alvin would be more than playing an instrument, more than a worshiper. He would be seeking You and You alone.

After that, the first service, what I played actually was better than what I expected and it was in groove and perfect, that is what I thought. But somehow I lost it when I played it the second time round for the second service. I never got that inner guidance that I had earlier, like as if the presence of God left me.

Anyhow, I know that there is one person who would make me be steadfast in loving someone. I am quite sure already. Just that, in reality, nothing seems like it.

That aside, I feel like sleeping right now. Dont really want to go to work. I hope I can take a day off and stay home and fast and pray. I really need the Lord. Please me merciful towards me. Let Your covenant be renewed with me.