I need a scream

Its been a month or more since she came back. Now as it seems, the blog has ended, the way her exchange has and the way for me to know how's she's doing.

I have been in a roller-coaster ride for this part of my life now. The highs and the lows is really driving me nuts. I thank God that I'm not yet nuts though. This past weeks have been mad. Work in camp is piling as the date for inspection draws closer. I cant seem to make everything right there. There would always be something wrong no matter how I try to rectify the problem.

I not spoken to someone in a while. Well, her msn nick now says break my heart for what breaks yours. It was the exact prayer I had. I wonder if she just like that part of the song or she really meant it as a prayer too. I miss her, somehow. I find that I have the ability to miss someone, even when I dont know her well or am not close to the person at all. Perhaps I'm just crazy.

I miss the other her also. She seems pretty out of reach. Well, I know God is calling me to obedience again. But somehow I'm not able to do so. And He did hint the consequences. Not that He is using her as a bait or incentive. He doesnt need to do that, He is God! He is above methods like that. But even when I know what is at stake, I cant seem to obey. I am actually devastated, to be so out of touch with her life.

And I've just realised that I've misplace a very important paper. All the info I needed is there and I cant find it. The deadline for it is also drawing near and I have yet to take any actions. I am an ass, a very big ass procrastinator. I need to change that seriously. Tomorrow might not just come, and I might not have done what I need to do.

I thank God for the many opening opportunity to lead worship. That has been my prayer but I realise that I really have to be careful what I wish (pray) for. No, I know its not a wrong wish or prayer, but I guess leading worship all the time will cause me to be burnt out, lose novelty. I need a lot prayer in this area.

Gossip Girl is back and Naruto is being updated very regularly. I'm glad that there are escapes like these to keep me happy. Its getting late and I'm suffering from the lack of sleep, yet I dont feel like sleeping.

I feel like talking to someone, going out with someone, capturing essence of life with someone. I want my life to be lived with someone. Crap, I think dramas are getting the better of me, makes me think too much.

I know what is screwing my life up actually. But I'm caving in. The exact thing he would want me to do. Yet, I dont stand strong, sorry God, I'm trying. each time I fall, I know You are there to pick me up to me stronger than I was before.

Pray for me if you read this alright. I need directions in my life. I dont know what to do for ministry. I mean I know God calls for this, but when things arent clear and I have to make a choice how?! And for a life partner and for a career. I want it to be really in line with God's will. All of it. Yet I dont know what.

_______ , _______ wherefore thou art thy _______?

I need a scream.