I wanna go STUDY

Been thinking about it and yes, I want to go and study. What you ask, but do you really need to? Its either music or music production / sound engineering. I told my mum, I wanna go study, but I dont want you to pay for it, I'm praying for a scholarship. I aim to go and study in Berklee College of Music.

Thinking along that line, I'm reminded of her and the guy she came back with from US. I wonder how are they doing now? Kaypo? Yes, I am. But I'm really curious about their relationship. Any progress? or cool off or what? I'm sure there are others out there just as curious as I am.

But as I browse through her blog again, as I look at her pictures, I cant help but feel that maybe I can live without her. It really need not be her, it could be anyone else so as long as we love the same God, share the same interest, talk the same talk, hang out with the same kind of people, I'm really able to live with someone like that. Because I understand love not as superficial or as the world suggest, but something deeper, some thing where God completes it when two person gets together. A holy matrimony.

Anyway, I really found my joy in what I really like to do. I really get quite a lot of satisfaction doing it. Yes, there are lots of hinderance in my path, spiritually, behavourial, discipline, friends. I am getting enlightenment on some of the things that are in the bible, but they are still living in me as head knowledge. I'm not living out the life yet. As I struggle to reach that level, I am trying my best to do renew my mind.

There are many new things this week, like the 1st ever night race and 1st Singapore Grand Prix. That was exciting, full of drama and I, in regards to this event, am proud to be a singaporean, except the fact that our roads are quite dirty. Its littered with fallen leaves and PLASTIC BAGS! omgosh!

And I've just found out that the Martin and Co. guitar that uncle Henry told me was about 1.7k is not so true. I think he has forgotten the actual price. When I went with cass to see the guitars at City Music, the one that looked the closest to his cost about 3.9k and its on OFFER! WHAT THE CRAP! The actual retail price is about 4.4k I'm stunned. Maybe I should stick to a taylor, its about 2.6k, something more attainable.

And yes, I've found a new place where I can shop also. But I better shed off some weight so I'll look better. *grins*

Makes me wonder

I am really wondering what can make her so happy, from "smile smile smile" to "smile smile smile smile"

Thats four happy smiles. It kills me not to know.

Anyway, I'm glad things are starting to go on well again. I need You Lord, lead me to exciting things ahead!

I need a scream

Its been a month or more since she came back. Now as it seems, the blog has ended, the way her exchange has and the way for me to know how's she's doing.

I have been in a roller-coaster ride for this part of my life now. The highs and the lows is really driving me nuts. I thank God that I'm not yet nuts though. This past weeks have been mad. Work in camp is piling as the date for inspection draws closer. I cant seem to make everything right there. There would always be something wrong no matter how I try to rectify the problem.

I not spoken to someone in a while. Well, her msn nick now says break my heart for what breaks yours. It was the exact prayer I had. I wonder if she just like that part of the song or she really meant it as a prayer too. I miss her, somehow. I find that I have the ability to miss someone, even when I dont know her well or am not close to the person at all. Perhaps I'm just crazy.

I miss the other her also. She seems pretty out of reach. Well, I know God is calling me to obedience again. But somehow I'm not able to do so. And He did hint the consequences. Not that He is using her as a bait or incentive. He doesnt need to do that, He is God! He is above methods like that. But even when I know what is at stake, I cant seem to obey. I am actually devastated, to be so out of touch with her life.

And I've just realised that I've misplace a very important paper. All the info I needed is there and I cant find it. The deadline for it is also drawing near and I have yet to take any actions. I am an ass, a very big ass procrastinator. I need to change that seriously. Tomorrow might not just come, and I might not have done what I need to do.

I thank God for the many opening opportunity to lead worship. That has been my prayer but I realise that I really have to be careful what I wish (pray) for. No, I know its not a wrong wish or prayer, but I guess leading worship all the time will cause me to be burnt out, lose novelty. I need a lot prayer in this area.

Gossip Girl is back and Naruto is being updated very regularly. I'm glad that there are escapes like these to keep me happy. Its getting late and I'm suffering from the lack of sleep, yet I dont feel like sleeping.

I feel like talking to someone, going out with someone, capturing essence of life with someone. I want my life to be lived with someone. Crap, I think dramas are getting the better of me, makes me think too much.

I know what is screwing my life up actually. But I'm caving in. The exact thing he would want me to do. Yet, I dont stand strong, sorry God, I'm trying. each time I fall, I know You are there to pick me up to me stronger than I was before.

Pray for me if you read this alright. I need directions in my life. I dont know what to do for ministry. I mean I know God calls for this, but when things arent clear and I have to make a choice how?! And for a life partner and for a career. I want it to be really in line with God's will. All of it. Yet I dont know what.

_______ , _______ wherefore thou art thy _______?

I need a scream.

What's going on...

Its been a while since I last updated my blog. No entries doesn't meaning nothing much has been going on. In fact, is the exact opposite. Too much has been going on.

This blog has remained my outlet with regards to my love life I guess. The only reason why I feel like blogging is when I feel emo.

Right now, I dont know what to feel.