Yes, I'm feeling damn sad that I'm going into NS now. Its feels like I'm going away. Feels a little like I'm going into prison, to somewhere where I have no freedom. I cant decide to take a spin at 2am in the morn. I cant go for late night supper with my friends as and when I want to, I cant just stay up late because I want to, I cant really do what I love to do cause I'm in NS.
I quite love the life I have. Doing camps, staying up late, playing computer games hanging out with friends. I miss dear O'Jonny, the late nights we have going out supper or just hanging out with anyone. I miss my friends, everyone of them.
My old fears are beginning to surface again. When I enter in to army, I'll have new friends in my company, platoon, section. It not that I dont like to make new friends, but I'm more worried about not being able to maintain those friendships. I'm already regretting not being able to meet up with my colleague at my short stint working for Melon during the book fair. Worst still not being able to meet some of my poly friends.
Sometimes I find myself an introvert. I can be out with someone but I stay very very quiet. but I'm a natural extrovert, so this feeling is comforting yet awkward for me. I dont know myself very well now at this very moment, like I'm losing it.
People may ask me how am I? Am I over her? I dare say yes. But I dont know. there are still alot of mixed feelings within me. Till now I guess I'm still not over her, I'm lying to myself and to the people around me. I want to be over her, but I just dont know how and I just cant. "you xin wu li" I hate it.
I really wanna have a girlfriend. Not cause everyone is in a relationship so I wanna be in one too, but I wanna like plan my life and settle down. Too early to say that ya? but I really do feel like that. To have that one to hold and to love, to go through life together, be it in good times or bad, for better or for worse, in health or in sickness, for richer or for poor, till death do us part.
I wanna raise a Godly family. be a role model for others. Guiding and helping others as a family of God. To raise Godly children, children that will do the work of God.
It feels like life is ending and I'm writing my will, things that I wanna do. Well, I guess its true, this life of fun is ending, slacking days are over.
There are so many things I wanna do. There are so many things I wanna achieve. There are so many things that I wanna get.
Where have I placed you Lord? I really need you now more than ever.
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