I dont know why

I dont know why I am brutally honest. Well, I am becoming as honest as I can. Not all the times but as much as I have been. I am not honest about my feelings towards someone or totally honest in my dealings, in my own ways. However, guilt have finally found me and it pricked my conscience to do what is right. Lord, I thank you that You are changing me. Holy Spirit, please continue to work in me, with me, through me.

I seem to share what I feel I need to. Truths that might be painful to hear, but truths that have freedom in them. I seem to see evangelism in a closer light. I try to tell of Christ to friends who I care and friends whom I hang out with. I want to invite them to church and show them my friends who are there, who are like minded in loving Christ. I wanna tell them about Jesus and what He did for them. There is just this urge in me.

Though my quiet time isnt as consistant as I hoped and liked it to be, but I have this sudden freedom and power over sin, over doing what is wrong. I am awkwardly aware of His power in my life. Though I might have to curb my love for drinking, He is changing me little by little. I hope to keep growing in Him to be more like Him.

Christmas is coming, the year is ending and I wonder if His promise will be fulfilled. But nonetheless, I will still trust Him and know that His plan is perfect for me. May my life give You all the glory.

Life as it is

Many things can go wrong at the time that you think it wouldn't. Its not about what you do, how much you sacrifice, its all about identity in Christ.

when things are crashing down, there is only one person alone to rely on, God.

I've just been given SOP. To some SOP means Standard Operating Procedure, or Special Operations Platoon. In my case its called Stoppage of Privileges. What it means is that I cannot take off or leave or MC in this period. I felt it was unfair, but in truth I do have some responsibility to hold in this case. Rather than blaming others or reacting in anger, I've decided to clear the mess.

I'm going to live as Christ lived. no matter how hard its going to be

Thank you Lord Jesus, thank you Father, thank you Holy Spirit.

Set me apart for Your Glory.

ps. I enjoy Gossip Girl. Its so often so real.

The other half

This is the response to my SMS from my CG peeps.

The question: Hey guys there is CG lunch on Sun. Pls reply to say if u can make it or not. And if your other half is coming. Thanks.

Joyce Goh: Har Har other half. Lol! Yes i'm coming but the other's not. At tekong on field camp Lol:)

Clare: I'm coming. I wished I have an other half.

Lyd: Haha.. Ok i'm coming! No other half to bring along.. Haha..

Cas: Coming. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to study. ( as I interpret, either she is too busy to notice about the question of the other half or too busy to have another half or she is hiding something by changing topic :P)

Andrew aka Nate: Can.
(so i teased him about the question I asked. I replied him: Can for you and your other half or just you?)

Andrew aka Nate: Haha... Just me. No other half.

Glenda: Yup. I'll be there.
(and I had to check if her other half was coming and she replied)

Glenda: Yes count him in also. And jo as well cause he is joel.

And what if I were to answer my own question? Well, here it is.

Alvin: Yea, coming. And my other half also. She'll be coming... ... ... soon. I hope.

Baruk

Baruk is the Hebrew word for bless.

While I was in the cab traveling to camp and back, these thoughts kept coming to me. Give to the Lord, be a blessing to someone, that he may say that you are indeed a blessing to the nation and that may he praise your God that you serve.

I've decided to bless this fellow who summoned me back to my work place on an off day. Trust in the Lord. When you have given your life to Him, He is about to use you for His own glory. No matter how is seems, what's the process. Are you willing to obey?

Irony of life?

I took off to rest at home. Only to be summoned to my work place by my colleague who accidentally locked himself out of the office. The irony of it all is that I have to trust in the Lord that He is still in control and has not abondoned me. Child like faith? Faith the size of a mustard seed? I dont know. Its just a weird day.

But I believe that there is no mistake in Christ, only mysteries.

What now?

Ok, so the hype of getting a guitar is over. Discontentment is about to set in, as always. The thought of saving up for the next guitar is just about floating in my head and I've forgotten about contentment and forgotten about providence.

What happened to the me I knew just the other day?

Something isnt quite right with me. Feels like nothing is going my way and everything feels so unfamiliar. I think I might just be falling into Satan's trap of self-pity. I'm so lousy, I'm not good at this, I'm not good at that. I question many things and I feel that I lack many things around me.

I cant particularly say what is wrong, I just feel that something is wrong. Though often I've been told that our relationship with God isnt just based on feelings but on the word of God, I just cant help feeling this way. Its like suddenly I lacked the zeal to worship, I cant get lost in it. I wonder where God is.

There is this moment this morning when Pastor asked people who were at the pre service prayer to pray for the worship team. When Uncle Henry prayed for me, I was tearing. His prayer connected to what I was thinking at the moment. He prayed, that Alvin would be more than playing an instrument, more than a worshiper. He would be seeking You and You alone.

After that, the first service, what I played actually was better than what I expected and it was in groove and perfect, that is what I thought. But somehow I lost it when I played it the second time round for the second service. I never got that inner guidance that I had earlier, like as if the presence of God left me.

Anyhow, I know that there is one person who would make me be steadfast in loving someone. I am quite sure already. Just that, in reality, nothing seems like it.

That aside, I feel like sleeping right now. Dont really want to go to work. I hope I can take a day off and stay home and fast and pray. I really need the Lord. Please me merciful towards me. Let Your covenant be renewed with me.

BOUGHT!

I just bought a new guitar. Very pleased with it. I guess it the process of buying it and knowing what contentment is.

Pics maybe coming soon.

At the moment, I'm going to send it for a set up tomorrow. Hopefully I can get it back by sat.

Thank you God.

Guitars

These few days all that I do online is go to guitar4christ forums and read and read and read. I am looking to buy a new guitar. Some entry level guitars but I've gotten more than I bargained for. I learnt a lot about guitars. The body, the make, the brand, the tone. A lot of things.

I've met a lot of guitar fanatics online and these guys are really nice people. They try to help out as much as they can. I guess this is beacuse the people on this forums are generally christians and the really do show love in this high tech manner.

I've just met a guitar owner who is selling his Taylor 710, which is a 1994 model. He is selling it at 2.9k and he is only 19 years old. I felt so ashamed. He is younger than me but so much more knowlegable and owns one of the better guitars that I have seen.

Well, this guitar 'shopping experience' that I am going through now is something I've never done before. I have to be careful with what I want because I'm using a lot of money for it. And I need to know what I want and am looking for. And to trust God that when I touch the guitar that I really like, I would know that 'IT'. Its exciting and time is really tight for me to go round trying guitars. But when I've decided, I'll put her here for all to see.

Till then, Ciao.

Random night!

Just drank some wine with my family. Bought this at the airport after a holiday to Hong Kong. Its 50SGD for a bottle of 375ml of liquid GOLD! Finally after so long I've decided to open it. Well, it was meant for someone special, well that someone isnt so special anymore so, I decided to reward my parents with it.


Before


After

These pictures arent sharp or nicely taken cause they are not taken by a DSLR. Seriously after playing with Cass's DSRL for such a long while now, I dont seem to know how to use the others. I cant set it up like how I can with cass's and it frustrates me that this is the best I can come up with.

Anyways, cameras aside, the wine is so delicious it smells and taste almost like perfume. Yum!

So what so random about tonight? Well, I went grocery shopping after somewhat seems like the longest time in a while. I had fun looking and buying stuffs. Then my mummy actually asked if we (my sister and I) wanted supper at PRATA HOUSE! Like, mum, are you really that hip? You hang out there and have supper there one meh?! But anyway, we went, and I love it there, its home ground man.

I'm trying to learn and play some songs. Inspired by the people on youtube but I hate my voice cause of its short range. I've known this problem for a while but I wonder if a voice can be trained. If a lousy voice can actually be made good. Or is this a talent/natural thing?

Another random thing was that I happen to view her and the guy on facebook. I must admit they look cute together. Wearing same colour tees as well, so lovely. Looking at her pictures, I realised that there are really many more pretty girls out there. Her group of friends for example are really pretty too.

And I got another great find. I found someone who I wanna be like in few years time. He is a drummer, a guitarist, a sound engineer, a music producer. I wonder what is his job now. I've emailed him to see if we can meet up for a chat.

Its late and there is church tomorrow. I pray tomorrow would be an amazing day.

Things I want... maybe need

1) Martin & Co. Guitar ( I cant remember the model except 16)
*Edited: I've found the model - D16RGT *

2) Taylor 410CE, but the new range is out so I dont really know. Maybe I dont want a Taylor, maybe I dont NEED a Taylor, YET!

3) Berklee College of Music ( I want to major in drums, but then I'm very interested in guitar and piano too of which I am not well skilled in)

4) Berklee College of Music ( Majoring in Sound Production)

5) iPod touch/ Zen X-Fi

6) Laptop to start doing some amateur recordings.

7) a pretty girlfriend (Cathy Nguyen) with a sweet character and an amazing voice for singing.

7 is a number for completion. And I would be completed when I have a number 7. And maybe someone should bring me back to earth.

Love and Music

These two things always seems to come together. When I think of Love, I think of a life partner, of music, of careers and of God. When I think of music, the same thing happens.

Why am I thinking so much about love and music? Well, I was just browsing the web today and thinking of looking for a music school. I want to learn music. Serious music theory and techniques. Be it drums or keyboard or any instrument (saxophone). I want to improve as a musician.

As I was browsing through the web, I found a website that was for a recording school. It has good credentials and it really drew my attention. I looked through the whole website just to make sure that it is not a scam. Though I still dont know if it is a scam or not, I have decided to try and apply. Well, there is nothing tagged to applying so I just did anyway.

I really dont know what is to become of me. I dont know what to do anymore. Both love and music seem so unattainable. I wonder if I can get into music school and also learn about studio and live recording altogether.

I am a jack of all trades, master of none. So then tell me, what am I good for?

Temporary Out of Order

This human is currently not functioning well.

He is lacking in sleep and rest.

He is suffering from a broken heart.

He is having too much things in his head.

He is confused about life.

This human wants to have the Creator to repair the human and make him function as he should.

DANGER! DO NOT USE.
Human out of order!

What a week!

I just came back from range. I have been shooting for 2 days in a row. My day starts at 5am when I wake up till 12am the next day then I get to sleep. Its been 2 very tiring days in addition to the lack of sleep in the weekends. And tomorrow, or rather later, I have to go to work as usual for an audit check. Plus a guard duty that very evening also. There is also depot cohesion on friday and I wonder, where am I going to get all these energy from.

In addition to the fatigue, I heard a very shocking news in which I am just informed that she is attached. Are the girls that I take interest in really so desirable? Maybe, otherwise I wouldn't be attracted to them as well. Maybe I'm slow, I dare not take action due to too many rejections. My heart is troubled after knowing. Even so, I thank you for informing me. So far 2 have been taken. And I wish them both all the best.

Lord I know I've not been close to You. I've not been disciplined. Though I know things are not going so well for me, I still trust You. I still acknowledge that You are my Lord and Saviour. I know that You are a good Lord and I desire for more of You in my life. Bring me back to the life where You are the center of it all.

Am I a bastard?

Sometimes I really feel that I am one. I tend to sweet talk to a girl, be super nice to her and then make some promise that I think I'll never fulfill. Today, I've just made 2. I wonder if I'll ever be a man of my words.

I feel like a bastard cause it feels like I'm toying with their feelings. Then again, am I fooling myself or am I being played by them as well?

I wanna go STUDY

Been thinking about it and yes, I want to go and study. What you ask, but do you really need to? Its either music or music production / sound engineering. I told my mum, I wanna go study, but I dont want you to pay for it, I'm praying for a scholarship. I aim to go and study in Berklee College of Music.

Thinking along that line, I'm reminded of her and the guy she came back with from US. I wonder how are they doing now? Kaypo? Yes, I am. But I'm really curious about their relationship. Any progress? or cool off or what? I'm sure there are others out there just as curious as I am.

But as I browse through her blog again, as I look at her pictures, I cant help but feel that maybe I can live without her. It really need not be her, it could be anyone else so as long as we love the same God, share the same interest, talk the same talk, hang out with the same kind of people, I'm really able to live with someone like that. Because I understand love not as superficial or as the world suggest, but something deeper, some thing where God completes it when two person gets together. A holy matrimony.

Anyway, I really found my joy in what I really like to do. I really get quite a lot of satisfaction doing it. Yes, there are lots of hinderance in my path, spiritually, behavourial, discipline, friends. I am getting enlightenment on some of the things that are in the bible, but they are still living in me as head knowledge. I'm not living out the life yet. As I struggle to reach that level, I am trying my best to do renew my mind.

There are many new things this week, like the 1st ever night race and 1st Singapore Grand Prix. That was exciting, full of drama and I, in regards to this event, am proud to be a singaporean, except the fact that our roads are quite dirty. Its littered with fallen leaves and PLASTIC BAGS! omgosh!

And I've just found out that the Martin and Co. guitar that uncle Henry told me was about 1.7k is not so true. I think he has forgotten the actual price. When I went with cass to see the guitars at City Music, the one that looked the closest to his cost about 3.9k and its on OFFER! WHAT THE CRAP! The actual retail price is about 4.4k I'm stunned. Maybe I should stick to a taylor, its about 2.6k, something more attainable.

And yes, I've found a new place where I can shop also. But I better shed off some weight so I'll look better. *grins*

Makes me wonder

I am really wondering what can make her so happy, from "smile smile smile" to "smile smile smile smile"

Thats four happy smiles. It kills me not to know.

Anyway, I'm glad things are starting to go on well again. I need You Lord, lead me to exciting things ahead!

I need a scream

Its been a month or more since she came back. Now as it seems, the blog has ended, the way her exchange has and the way for me to know how's she's doing.

I have been in a roller-coaster ride for this part of my life now. The highs and the lows is really driving me nuts. I thank God that I'm not yet nuts though. This past weeks have been mad. Work in camp is piling as the date for inspection draws closer. I cant seem to make everything right there. There would always be something wrong no matter how I try to rectify the problem.

I not spoken to someone in a while. Well, her msn nick now says break my heart for what breaks yours. It was the exact prayer I had. I wonder if she just like that part of the song or she really meant it as a prayer too. I miss her, somehow. I find that I have the ability to miss someone, even when I dont know her well or am not close to the person at all. Perhaps I'm just crazy.

I miss the other her also. She seems pretty out of reach. Well, I know God is calling me to obedience again. But somehow I'm not able to do so. And He did hint the consequences. Not that He is using her as a bait or incentive. He doesnt need to do that, He is God! He is above methods like that. But even when I know what is at stake, I cant seem to obey. I am actually devastated, to be so out of touch with her life.

And I've just realised that I've misplace a very important paper. All the info I needed is there and I cant find it. The deadline for it is also drawing near and I have yet to take any actions. I am an ass, a very big ass procrastinator. I need to change that seriously. Tomorrow might not just come, and I might not have done what I need to do.

I thank God for the many opening opportunity to lead worship. That has been my prayer but I realise that I really have to be careful what I wish (pray) for. No, I know its not a wrong wish or prayer, but I guess leading worship all the time will cause me to be burnt out, lose novelty. I need a lot prayer in this area.

Gossip Girl is back and Naruto is being updated very regularly. I'm glad that there are escapes like these to keep me happy. Its getting late and I'm suffering from the lack of sleep, yet I dont feel like sleeping.

I feel like talking to someone, going out with someone, capturing essence of life with someone. I want my life to be lived with someone. Crap, I think dramas are getting the better of me, makes me think too much.

I know what is screwing my life up actually. But I'm caving in. The exact thing he would want me to do. Yet, I dont stand strong, sorry God, I'm trying. each time I fall, I know You are there to pick me up to me stronger than I was before.

Pray for me if you read this alright. I need directions in my life. I dont know what to do for ministry. I mean I know God calls for this, but when things arent clear and I have to make a choice how?! And for a life partner and for a career. I want it to be really in line with God's will. All of it. Yet I dont know what.

_______ , _______ wherefore thou art thy _______?

I need a scream.

What's going on...

Its been a while since I last updated my blog. No entries doesn't meaning nothing much has been going on. In fact, is the exact opposite. Too much has been going on.

This blog has remained my outlet with regards to my love life I guess. The only reason why I feel like blogging is when I feel emo.

Right now, I dont know what to feel.

The 3 roses.

I've been troubled by these 3 roses for quite some time already. Each time I dont know what to do. I can only commit them and myself to God in prayer.

The first one being the one that I really love. The one that God actually gave my heart a desire for. The sweetest girl with the most beautiful smile. I've liked her for close to 6 years now. But so far nothing has happened between us. Anyway, at the moment, she's totally unreachable. Her heart is with another.

The second is the one who is fun and flirty. She gives me a nice feel, but apparently she is friendly to everyone too. She has been a bit of an influence to my music and she is as arty as I like her to be. I imagine photo taking sessions with her and going to pubs listening to local stuffs. She brings out the fun and joy in me.

As for the third one, I've only recently got close to her. After hanging out with her for awhile, I find that she is really pretty and cute and fun. But it does seems like she is a little shallow, but nonetheless, I believe that there's more to her than that. She easily excitable and its really nice to talk to her.

I so want to be with any of them now. I feel like I need a relationship of a deeper level. I pray and pray but I dont know what God has planned for me. Its causing me to think a lot these days.

Anyway, this is just for cheap thrill. I've typed this whole post on my handphone. Cool huh?!

If you know what I mean

I really just feel like falling in love with you. I'm holding back now cause I dont want another repeated episode of what I went through the last time, but I feel very reckless now. I just wanna fall so deep I wonder how would I climb up and out when I have to. It seems foolish, yes it is foolish and love makes you foolish, doesnt it?

Its not that I dont care about God anymore or if I wanna rebel against Him. No, I'm not. Neither am I on a vendetta that since she is going into one so must I. No, I'm not jealous or reacting the severe opposite way. I just want a companionship that is more than just friend. Someone I can pour out my love to. I guess, in some way, I understand how God feels. A small fraction of knowing what it feels like to have love yet not share it.

I just want to hold you so close to me, forever. that is the feeling I get when I'm near you. But I'm afraid to fall in love with you. I dont know if I would end up hurting you or you hurting me. And somehow, you are not the one God seem to have placed in my heart.

At this moment I wished that I dont have to think of the consequences, the aftermath, the causes and effect, I just wanna fall for you. You make it so hard for me, yet, I do have feelings for you. If only I knew what is going through your mind.

Tonight would be the night I fall for you, only if I'm sure that this would be true.

Technology

The address bar is my short cut to websites and it has always been "h" + "down arrow" for hotmail. I have no idea when it became "h" + "down arrow" to become her blog. The thing is this, her blog lags up my whole com for a good 30secs. If the computer, is like what the HP advert says it is, "the computer is personal again", then this computer of mine is not only personal but is thinking like me now. Gosh, each time I see her blog, I wished she'd come back now, or better, I wished I were there with her.

So vague that it hurts

I hope it isnt what it is. My heart will just bleed dry. But at the very same moment, I am reminded about a God who is ever faithful. Who never short changed me once and definitely provides for all my needs. Its up to me to trust in this God and surrender all to Him cause that is all He requires of me.

the one

this is the one face I dream of every night. the one smile I've dreamt of seeing. the one girl whom God gave me in a vision. the one desire that was put into my heart. the one I often chose to forget. the one I tried to forget but I cant. the only one person who each time I look at makes my heart skip a beat, my mind to freeze, my legs to wobble and hands to sweat. the one I have gave up to God. the one I told God "take her away and I'll still love you". the one I want to share my life with. the one I really admire. the only one I feel I cant measure up to. the one who is blur at times. the one whose picture is the first I've ever posted. the one I really hope to be married to.

Please dont spread this around, I really hope she doesnt see this. maybe not now at least.

Its always been you

Last night I came back very very late after a nights out.

Drank a lot, but wasn't drunk and upon reaching home I just wanted to sleep. The night has been wasted in my opinion. Something I will keep doing yet I know its a waste. Why? Cause these friends are unforgiving but why do I carry on going out with them? I don't know, maybe cause in army now, they are the bunch of support I need.

I am really sorry for replacing a really close friend's 21st night for this bunch of people. Not that she isn't important, but at least she is more forgiving. I made a hasty agreement to the bunch of guys from camp that I couldn't pull myself out from at the last minute. What kind of an ass friend I am.

Apart from all these wrong events or misused night in my opinion, I realised that there is one thing that had been always been on my mind. Though I rarely like exclaimed and rave on and on about her, I know I do it once in a while, but she is some where there deep in my heart and my mind. Somewhere that at times I forget and somewhere so deep I cannot get it out.

Before I left house I read her blog. Then I went out and then all that was in my mind was drinks and how I have abandoned a 21st for drinking. When I reached home, I showered and collapsed on the bed, sleeping immediately. I woke up from a dream that felt like hours, as though I never did sleep.

In my dream I was up in Malaysia for church camp, but only 2 days. I was there on the second day and the third day then I had to leave. But the events that happened were so weird, it was a mixture of nonsense that I cant detail it properly and its too much of a hassle to recall. But the highlight of it was this. I saw her there and I thought it might be my mind playing games, but her best friend told me that its really her. She flew back just for 1 week to attend church camp. In my haste to see her and to made sure it was her, I went to find her only to be stunned and caught dumbfounded staring at her stuttering a response to what I was doing there.

I then went off in embarrassment cursing at myself for being so stupid. I wanted to see her again. I wanted to go out with her. So I picked up all my courage and went back to find her. She wasn't in her room anymore and I walked back to mine depressed. I walked pass a friend who then informed me that she had left for a shopping centre nearby. I rushed to find someone who was also going there.Thankfully my cousin and his family were also going to the shopping centre and gave me a lift.

Upon reaching the shopping centre, I instinctively went straight to the cinemas, no idea why but I just did. And I saw her at the ticketing counter alone and went up to her and tried to buy us 2 movie tickets. But the lady at the counter was speaking Japanese! I was like what the crap?! In Malaysia? A Japanese speaking movie counter salesgirl? In this second embarrassment, she saved me by speaking to the lady and I paid for 2 tickets to a show I don't know what. As we were walking away from the counter, I wanted to explain my embarrassment or at least make up for looking stupid too many times. But before I could speak, I woke up.

I know this is a long post about a really silly dream, but I remember reading somewhere that said, the person you dream about the most is someone who is your deepest desire. Your mind, conscious or sub conscious, is unable to relate to this person or the desire has been suppressed and when you are asleep and the mind is not controlled by the conscious, it allows bits of this desire to be released to remind the person of this memory or the mind just cant stop thinking about it.

That is one explanation. The other, dreams are from God.
But all in all, it has always been the one same you.

The past 1 week

I was in Tekong for a week. From Tuesday till Friday. In these few days, I had a metamorphosis, an alter ego if I may say.

Let me start by saying that on the day I reached Tekong I saw a medical helicopter flying onto the island. I was telling my friends, why did someone called for a heli-casevac (helicopter casualty evacuation) so early in the morning? Yes, I know there is a POP (passing out parade) but that is a little far too cautious of BMTC (Basic Military Training Centre) itself. Usually a medical helicopter is called in when there is a casualty, not call in for stand by.

Little did I know that when I was making that comment, someone has just passed away in Tekong. I felt so sorry and sad when my friend informed me of what had happened. It should have occurred to me that something really wrong had happened. No way would BMTC call in a medical helicopter just for stand by. How dumb.

Anyway, In Tekong, I was going through Navex (navigation exercise) and foot topography. Both were equally tiring and stressful. I realised that I began to behave really differently. I was loud, vulgar and just being boisterous. I made jokes out of people, cursed and swear with vulgarities used in almost every sentence. I was having fun. I was attracting friends having fun and bonding with my team members.

But when I got home, I realised what had happened to me. I became like the world. There was nothing about me that set me apart. I did not do my quiet time and I didnt read His word. I forgot to pray except saying grace at some mealtimes that I remembered. The presence of God was not with me. And I felt really sad. I wanted to read His word when I came back, wanted to hear His words again but I was too tired to do anything.

For 33 days I was doing my QT and Journaling so regularly when it came to the crunch, I lost it. It takes 38 days of consistently doing something for that thing to become a habit. And for the last 5 days, I lost it. I realise that I am one who starts off well, but I dont finish the race well. I am going to realign my life back to God again. I am very determined this time round to get things right. I dont want to live away from God ever again, its too much to give up.

" I wanted to let you know

that I really like you, but I know we cant be together only because someone else has taken my heart. You are fun, easy going, cute and I just adore your handicraft. But I know being with you wont be what the Lord has in His plans. You could be a test for me, a simulation to my future. But for now I'm just glad that we are where we are, only that I hope our friendship can go deeper. A stage where you would share with me things that goes on in your life. You could potentially be that girl that my girlfriend would be jealous of, but yea, I think I've said enough. This could be infatuation only. "

She isnt who you guys think she is. I dont even think she knows about my blog. I've never been together with her before. We are friends and nothing else. But I just had this compulsion today to say this to her. Madness, but I need to guard myself. And if you think its my drum class students, no it isnt.

In Jesus's Name, AMEN!

As your young people continue to seek you in faith, I pray that you would increase their faith. Its not easy to follow the one who is crowned with thorns, but the same one has conquered death, world, satan and is now at the right hand of our Father.

let this generation rise to the challenge of being one who would make a difference and we would run this race that has been marked out for us with perseverance. the friendship and bond of these young people will be so deep that one would lay down his life for another.

together let us be your church and you oh Christ, the head of it all, the cornerstone, the Lord of all of us. This is a time of revival, no like those that non Christians give their lives to you, but Christians, desperately seeking you aligning their lives to you only because you are so real and its so addictive being with you.

We will rise up as the next generations, blessing the nation and making disciples of Christ from all nations till the end of the earth.

In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.

In a Relationship,

lying gets you no where. In fact no matter what, lying does nothing but makes matters worse. The truth will set you free, but dont forget it wont be without the consequences.

2 hers

I can just feel emotional reading her blog. and what it feels like next is that I wanna be drowned in music. That me and thats what I feel each time I read her blog. It like 2 loves of my life, her and my music.

Anyway, sometimes I dont know who you are anymore. Maybe I should stop reading your blog. You give me a bad after taste. Maybe our lives shouldnt cross at all.

Friend

A friend makes your day when he/she replies your sms/msn. How nice to have friends like that. But there is one thing that comes with this type of friends, they know you too well to actually know what you are thinking without you actually saying anything. Scary? Be thankful that they know.

It seems like after that reply, all your other friends, seem to have found the msg you sent. Amazing? I dont know. I'm eager to know everything that goes on behind my life when I see my Lord God in heaven.

Thank you friend.

The real me

I miss you and I only wish that I could share a lifetime of experiences with you.

The only thing that brings me close to you is actually a livejournal blog.

Way to go loser.

Conversations

Wanna know me, ask me. Dont read it off my blog. I dont write everything here anymore.

Anyway, Gossip Girl is actually worth watching. I hate to admit it, I like it.

Gossip Girl

I actually do enjoy watching Gossip Girls.

The current episode I'm on is very good. S1E06

What do you call this feeling?

Do you go shy and quiet when you are around someone you love?

Do you just want to admire from a far and know that she is doing well?

Do you feel proud of her but just dare not go up and congratulate her?

Do you want to scream out how you feel about her but afraid she'll be frightened off?

Is this what you call love? Is this the person that you love? Is this love or is it admiration? What is this? I'm so afraid of losing her and the friendship and what little I have with her that I stop at doing nothing. She is doing so so well. Couldn't be more proud of her than I already am.

Hope, dreams, desires Vs. WILL

I want so much to be a musician, a composer, a sound engineer, a producer. I have so much plans and dreams that I want to fulfill. I want to write song that Glorifies my God, I want to write songs that would help people in their walk with God (not that God needs me to help them), I want to write songs that would move the world, I want to write songs that are Spirit infused.

I want to play songs like that. I mean anyone else would be able to, but its the journey and the team spirit with His people that I want to be part of. I'm not into the limelight though if I ever get successful that would probably drown me.

I want to be the producer behind these tunes, I want to be the one capturing the music. I want to put soul into tape or digital. I want to be there every moment these songs are being captured. Be it live or studio I want to be there.

There is an inner me that is all that. But how am I going to do this? I'm not very talented. I don't have the finance. I hope to live well and support my family and I don't know if this job gives me time to spend with my family and friends and relatives also.

I holding on fast to these desires and by faith I'll be able to accomplish them. Yet, I do not want to hinder God's will. These few days I've been praying and seeking. I wished God talk to me again.

The fine prints

I really cant believe what I just read on her blog.

" no way am i taking photos of the red swimsuit(: "

Sounds like your job is more than what you have asked for? Or maybe you've known it all along. Its just a minor detail that you have forgotten to mention :)

What ever it is, I hope you have a great time. I thought I was the only one who was paid to play, now you get paid and you can play too!

a 1000 miles

I feel so emotional after reading her blog. There is so much I wanna do, but there is only so much I can do. That is to pray.

Seems like the long flight has taken a troll on her and she is a little sick now. Please take care. Do as your daddy says. Anyway, her Dad is the coolest. He has a lj account to comment on her blog and he gives her advices on her blog and tells her on her blog that he will activate her auto roam asap! How cool a dad is he! And he is rather funny too.

I hope that she is having a great time there. I fasted and prayed for her safety and I really thank God that she is fine so far.

All I do want to let her know is that I'll keep on praying for her and that now she is a 1000 miles or more away, the nearest help that she can get is God. Take care!

the stone in my heart

This week has been AMAZING! There were so many things I did that were totally crazy.

Sunday, vocal training was good. Ignoring the teacher, my team were doing very well and I could feel like God was there anointing us as we sang. It marks the end of my training and I felt that it has been beneficial no matter what has happened.

I had to go back home for dinner as it was my aunt's birthday. The rest of the gang was lan-ing. I all truth, I was really down. I wanted to join them, I wanted to go. But I knew where my responsibility was. This was an aunt that has brought me up and its only respectful that I attend this dinner.

After much struggle within myself about all the planning how I could go and meet them, I told the Lord, I want to obey Him. I left it at His feet and just decided to stay home. There are many things to I have committed to the Lord and one of them is my relationship with Glenda. Its not about if I want to or not. Its not about pride and of who gives in. Its about obedience.

After all that thoughts and telling them to God, I was rewarded almost instantly. Cass called me to say that they are hanging out much later than planned asked if I wanted to join them. I asked for permission to use the car and off I went.

What happened next is totally out of my mind. We went to a HongKong like cafe for desserts and stayed there for awhile. Jacob and Glenda had to leave earlier and so I was left to send Joel and Jeremiah. But when we were leaving, Cass, Sam and Vanny didn't want to go home yet. So Shaun gave Joel and Jeremiah a lift home while I went out with the girls.

We didn't know where to go and chill and after awhile, we decided to drive up mount Faber. Actually we just wanted to find a place to sit I think. But we ended up playing bridge there. It was here again I felt that I cant measure up. You seem so good, far too good for me. If besides a liking I had for her, it was admiration. I would be totally 'ownt' by her anytime she is good at what I think I would like to learn.

But I really had a good time playing bridge with her and Cass and Sam, who was playing it for the first time. We left the place at 2 am. Did I mention that I had to go back to camp like at 7am later that day? I was surviving on 'high-ness'.

Last night I was invited to my God ma's place for dinner. The YA com was there to do some planning and like bonding session. I think Wii bonds people, its just crazy, what a weird way of bonding people. Then we had to do this words of affirmation. It was really scary for me. To be the one saying and the one sitting there in the middle. Vanny was first to go and when I said want I wanted to say, there were giggles! Some times I find friends a hindrance, but I'm glad that it didn't get blown up and it was just passed on.

Well, all in all we played Wii till late into the night and played Bridge also. We also taught Vanny how to play poker. It was rather funny, she lost all of her credits rather quickly. Well we slept over at my God ma's place and had brunch together.

She left about 12pm to meet her CG girls. After that, I just felt weird. I dont know why but I did. We left the place at 4pm to grab some coffee and they were planning for a farewell dinner/lunch for her, what present to buy and all. All these made me rather emo. I didn't comment much as I really don't know what to say.

The fact that she is leaving is making me miss her. I'm worried for her safety, worried that she is alone overseas. I feel like I'm so short on time to progress on this relationship that I have always wanted to have and now that things have been getting better, she has to leave.

There are many things that I'm thinking of right now. I know I'm fat and that is a turn off. I'm trying hard to do something about it, but its just so difficult. I don't know how impress her, really. You cant really impress someone that you think so highly of right, can you? Its like I'm trying to make her like me. But you cant make someone like you, dumbo! I'm at a loss as to what to do!

I'm rushing to blog this down as I don't want to forget what I want to say and I need to book in really soon.

But after all these thoughts it dawns upon me that there is something missing. This morning when I was doing my Spirituality gifting survey, my top gifting was FAITH. Now, where is my FAITH in this relationship? Where is my trust in this God that I have. Am I using my gift/talents or am I like the guy in the Bible who buries his talent in the ground?

In Cass's word, I am going to commit all these thoughts to the Lord and keep them in prayer. Having the FAITH that my God is an awesome God who loves His children so much He gave His only Son, Jesus. Who would withhold nothing from us but do all things to bring us back to Him. I will guard my heart from being hurt from this relationship and trust the Lord, my God with all my heart, soul and mind and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways I will acknowledge Him and He will make my path straight.

Amen.

Confused, I'm sure

Each time I think I know, the next moment I'll be in doubt.

It has never occur to me till now that this could be what the Lord is teaching me. That each time I'm so very sure about myself and the decision I'm about to make, the situation changes. How sure can you be about anything?

At this moment I feel that God is telling me to let it all go. Just let Him be Lord in this area of choosing a girlfriend (wife). Its like the Bible said, draw near to Him and you will hear His voice and you will know its Him. (something like that, I kinda paraphrased/ jumbled it a bit)

The whole of last week, I was thinking her (the fun girl) cause we chatted online for a really long while and things were getting on the right track. But I didnt take any steps to catch up with her within the week. Just didnt want to rush things or going ahead without God's affirmation.

Today I had a great time having dinner with cool people from church and just talking over coffee. She (the insanely sweet girl) was there and she took my breath away pretty much. I just happened to have a sudden insight that I know why I liked her that much. I want to get to know the other side of her. I believe she is the fun kinda girl when you are close and comfortable to her. I want to get to know that side of her. And when the previous week seems so sure that the other was a better choice, this had to happen.

I sometimes wonder if God is testing me. Testing my fidelity cause I may be fickle minded at times and I tend to trust my eyes too much.

Now, I'm not so sure about myself, about everything. All I want to do is that when I do think of something, I'll quickly commit it to Him and pray that He guides me from the very beginning so that I'll walk in His ways, AMEN!

Spiritual act of Worship

Last Saturday I met Tim Hughes and Al Gordon. They were leading in a conference organised by Worship Central and its a training conference for worship leaders, musicians and worshippers.
I was there and I was fed.

Last week, I went for BAG and I must say that it had been divinely planned put by God. I didnt want to go for BAG, but Cass called and asked if I was going. I told her no as I just wanted to slack at home, but then when I reached home, I decided to go.

At Pastor Ed's place, I was told that Clare who was to lead worship had forgotten to prepare, so I said ok, I'll do it. Pastor wanted the song "Ascribe greatness to our God" and I was like, ok, let me go figure out the chords. I did and then I had to choose another song. As I was figuring out the chords, the song "Heart of worship" just came out of my mouth. Since I was very familiar with it I decided to go ahead to sing it.

During worship, I knew it was the Holy Spirit who empowered me to lead it as firstly, my vocal tone was nice and I harmonise without knowing what it was like and I improvise "Heart of worship" with a bridge that I didnt know was going to come out. I thanked the Lord for this is something that I was hoping for a long time. A spirit led worship. That was my encounter with the Holy Spirit through worship.

The next day I went for the Worship Central conference and I was led into worship by Al. Tim's massage taught me new things about God and enlarge my vision of Christ. I bought his new book titled "Holding nothing Back" and have finished reading it. I also got Al's album and it is really good.

These 2 days were spiritual feeding for me and I've been stirred up with passion in my heart, I have been consumed with fire and I wanted to burn for God.

But as the days go by, even reading the book wasnt enough to keep me burning for long. I tried to stay as Christ-like as I can, but as the days go by in camp, I was conformed to the world again. Today, I am drained. I felt like I couldnt worship God. I wanted Him to be there in the sanctuary with me.

I've got a lot of things going on in my head. Another week in camp is another trying week, trying to be strong in the Lord. I wanna be changed, I wanna be transformed. Worship leads to obedience. Where is my act of obedience? Where is my surrender? When it comes to the crunch, I conform. Truly I need to see God, hear God, know God.

Please pay me a visit dear Lord! Amen!

What would you do?

One whom you're attracted to without any reason. You just like her so much for so long. And no matter for how long you seem like you are not interested in her at all, you will one fine day.

But she is cold. She is responding to you only cause she wants to be civil. She would rather just maintain being like how it has been for a long time. And you feel that she isnt opening up to you.

Two is the fun attractive one. She is simple fun and she is open and talking to you alot. You get fun and joy out of your conversation and it can get flirty at times. She comments about things you do and praises you and says thanks. She response above all else.

But her family is a hinderance. You dont know what else to do as she might just take you as a normal friend.

Who would you choose? What would you do?

I'm confused. I'm at a lost of what to do.

Everything...

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place
where I find peace, again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light, to my soul.
You are my purpose, you're everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You still my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, you're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, you're all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want, you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, you're all I need.
You're everything, everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better, any better than this.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Down time

Suddenly I feel like I cant measure up.

you're just too good for me, I think.

Letting it out...

I just felt rather dumb entering that post. Or rather I felt that I needed a space to let it out.

Just an update of what is going on. I'm typing this from home and I am now STAYING IN for a 4 months course. Why am I home now? cause I have nights out on wednesdays :)

I have been thinking about going to her hall and have a little surprise for her birthday. Yes, I thought about it quite some time ago. I wanted to get a few people to just pop up at her hall and yell HAPPY BIRTHDAY! cut the cake, give her a nice present and then go back home. Something just to make her day.

Oh well, I had to start staying in camp that very week of her birthday.

I seriously have no idea why I am so attracted to her. I'm not even sure if its look or character that I am attracted to. I have no reason to be in contact with her. I only managed to start a conversation with her after a very long while of silence. But I'm deeply in love (not technically cause I'm not in a relationship with her) with her.

Some times I get a no response for an answer in a conversation, some times it feels like she just answer me cause she has to, in all politeness. I get turn off by this as the girl I hope to be with must be able to communicate with me and we have to hit it off well.

We did when I first got to know her, but soon after I did, things just began to go down hill.

As some of my friends mentioned, maybe the time isnt right, maybe she isnt the one. There are lots of unanswered questions that only My God knows. But to be so deeply attracted for so long, I really dont understand.

My emotions gets affected by my thoughts about her. now tell me, why does she have such power over me? I feel so, helpless. Help me Lord.

To the one who is insanely sweet

Happy 20th Birthday.

with lots of Love, Vin

What a Surprise!

My dad let me have the car this evening. This is very rare. But God's grace was evermore for me today. When I reached Pastor's house, I just felt that I didnt lock my car door. So, I went back to the car park to check. On my way back down the car park, walking towards pastor's place, I met her and offered to carry her laptop for her. Yes, I was really happy deep down inside. Overjoyed is the right word.

So we entered pastor's house together and I saw the faces of surprise. My goodness, I was beaming with pride, but I had to confess to them that I didnt pick her up. We just happened to meet downstairs.

Well, today's lesson was about relationship, something that was touchy in the group and had to be treaded lots of caution. Things just went on pretty well and I had a new perspective of things. I may hate a person, dislike or what so ever feelings I may have towards a person, but looking at it through the eyes for Jesus, what would I have done? It did pierced me deep. I thought about how Christ would have looked at me and I felt that it was totally unfair for me to just be that way.

I dont want to reconcile. I didnt want to be friends. I feel that by doing so I would be a hypocrite. But that wasnt the issue. The issue was that I dont have to be friends like being in the same clique or have the same interest and likings, but rather can I treat the person with love and to show care and concern when needed? I thought about it long and hard and I told myself yes. If the person needed help, Yes, I'll help. Right now, I have to resolve the hate cause its still there. But loving the enemy like myself, that is something I have a lot to work on.

I am really irritated with the person. Its not just me alone. I'm not influencing people around me or getting them to 'support' my view point, but they themselves have seen and know why I'm irritated.

Anyway, I'm glad I had a good talk with Cass and Clare. We talked about everything and had a good laugh. Its a pity I'm staying in on Tuesday, otherwise it would have been fun carrying out my plan. But maybe, there is still hope for me. I really dont know what is going through in her head, but maybe the time isnt ripe yet.

I really thank God for many things that have happened to me. To say them all would take a lifetime. But I'm glad I'm walking with Him and that I have people around me who share the same thoughts and we would work towards giving God the glory. I hope one day I could really work with them in a big scale manner bring glory to God's name.

I just hope that what I have thought about, prayed about is in line with God's will. But still no matter what, I pray that its His will be done and not mine. To Cass and Clare, thank you for your time, it was really something I appreciated tonight.

Things may seem right to man, but it could be wrong in God's eyes.

Total Randomness

you pissed me with your presence. I'm glad I dont have to see you often.

you became bff, after like 21 years? but its better late than never!

you been one of the longest friend ever, I've seen you change and thank you for soldiering on beside me.

you have been the best, 21 years and counting, you're always there.

you went away and came back. I dont know how to get to you but I'm glad you still hangout with me.

you know me really the best, a single squirm and you know what I'm thinking.

you are insanely sweet, if only I knew how to get to you.

you are the practical fun, others think you're a 'no' for me, but you've got something that draws me.

Hope you guys know who 'you' are. And thank you for being YOU!

TGIGF

Thank God its GOOD Friday!

Yesterday was good friday and I went for English Presbytery service at the EXPO. I really enjoyed the service very much. Its simple yet heart warming and everything was just perfect. From the worship to the play to the sermon, everything was in consistency.

In the evening I went for BAG. Well, it was supposed to be BAG, but there were 24 people and it became like a Cell group session. We talked about the why good friday is so important and the humanity and deity of Christ.

At Pastor Edwin's place Sam found a book published by True Way PC which was titled, T-Files. Its a compilation of testimonies by members of the church or friends of the church. And Sam found one which was written by her. Well, I read it and that was about it. Didn't think much of it.

But this every morning I dreamt of someone which made me think of all these affairs of the heart again. And I committed it to God again.

Which also lead me to think of this:

Would I wanna be with a FUN kinda girl?

Or a lady like, sweet and gentle?

Or one that is like minded and have the same thoughts in regards to life and service to God?

In truth, I like to be with one that is all of the above.

Just a passing thought...

If love is some nice and warm and sweet, then why are some in pain?

I see some people suffering for love or trying really hard to make it a special relationship or perhaps is doing so so much more for the other half.

Is the person afraid that the other half would leave them. again?.

In the Bible, we know that there is a saying which goes, "Love covers a multitude of sin."

Then maybe my saying of, "Sex covers a multitude of pain." is quite a right parallel of the world today.

For the guy maybe its for pleasure and the female, security.

Who knows right? Just a thought that happened to pop into my head. I'm not twisting facts of the Bible or trying to be funny but I think I know quite enough of the world to make this statement. The first statement is TRUTH the second, its just a random thought of mine. Please, read it knowing where I'm coming from.

Life and Death

You'll understand the title as your go along reading.

I managed to see her yesterday. And I do think that this might be a closure. I'm still not sure if she's going away, but I think she is and my decision should stay firm. Of course, who wouldn't feel upset seeing the one that they like being with another, worse still if the other half of hers is really not up to standard. Then again, who am I to judge? What I should do as a disciple of Christ is to keep her in prayer and trust that God has a plan that will prosper her and not to harm her, plans to give her hope and a future.

I just hope that whatever she does, I can be there for her. But if I really have to be detached away from her, totally, like just a mere fair weather friend, in obedience to God I will.

So we gathered for dinner at Cass's house last night for dinner. It was just as I expected it. Messy and TOO much food. It was nice of JW to join us actually. He just need to socialise with people from church more. Attend activities with us and just have fun being together. The usual enthusiastic gang of people were there for dinner. Cass, Sam, Clare, Lyd, Ying Qi, Vanny, JW and me!

We watched Simpsons the Movie while having dinner. That show is just plain dumb and funny but since it was my second time watching it, it wasn't that funny anymore. After dinner we had ice cream from Island Creamery, brought by JW. It was Holicks as it was his favourite flavour. How self centered. :P Anyway, we still ate it and played bridge. By then half the group have left already.

After playing bridge for awhile JW and Clare needed to go off, so we were left with Cass, Sam and myself. We took a cab to my house to get the car as we were planning to join the YM cycling group. We joined them at Lau Pa Sat, where the satay club is. The stall holders are really irritating touters! Just like those at Newton Hawker Centre. I was really pissed. But anyway, we just sat and ordered satay.

From there we drove to Kallang, their next check point, where is was a quick pit stop before they head down to ECP. We tried as much as possible to follow them in our cars (Lee Cher was driving too) but they were going against traffic and so we just drove off to ECP and meet them there.

The art of driving had never thrilled me more or the psychology of a human being. I just love to drive.

So we ended up at ECP and group 1 and 2 have already arrived! I seriously thought that I would have reached there earlier. We just hang around until group 3 arrived and then headed to Macs for a quick breakfast and then home.

Before I could go home I needed to pick my sister up. Where? Simpang Bedok. I knew that place but its a different route that I usually came from. Man, I got lost for a while before Cass manage to help me find my location and then got there before my petrol went empty. (I was driving with the low fuel gauge light on for a really long time trying to find the place.)

Finally got my sister, filled my tank and I was on my way to send Cass home.

After dropping Cass off at her place, I drove home by the Farrer Road way rather then the highway. Just as I was reaching the main junction turning into my house, I had a near accident.

I was sleepy and I was trying very hard to stay awake. But just at that point, my mind switched off and I dozed off at the wheel going at about 70km/h. I felt a huge jerk and when I opened my eyes I saw my car right wheel up on the middle divider and I was going straight into a tree. Natural instinct was to steer away from the tree and then hit the brakes. But as my car came down from the middle divider and then with the sudden hard braking the car started to skid. I felt the ABS kicking in and I quickly straighten my wheels to the road and release my break.

It was a close shave. I could have died. Rather I think I had died. But the grace of God saved me. I know that I'm some one God really have plans for me. He would preserve my life till His will has come to pass and that my life have glorified Him. I really thank God for taking care of me. This is the second near accident that have been prevented. Both times as deadly. Reckless as I am, I really thank God for having me as His child, holding me in the palm of His hands, loving me so much He would all everything in His power so that I might live to glorify Him. I thank God that I know who am I in Him and that I am safe now to even blog about this.

I hope my sister, who was with me in the car, would really be affected enough by this incident to think about life and God. Though I know that she woke up with a little shock by the sudden movements and nothing else after. Still in her sleepyish daze, I wonder if she understood the danger and the situation. (I did try to explain to her trying to invoke some sort of emotion to stir her thinking.) But I did as I could, the rest its up to prayer and God.

Bad for health

I think my blog is really unhealthy for the readers. I seem to have the 'feel like blogging' mood only when I'm feeling sad or emo.

Anyway, just a quick update of what had happened thus far.

7th of March - I volunteered to attend and help Pastor Ed with the Synod Youth Leaders Camp. I felt that this was rather God plan as I wasn't supposed to be attending at all. I was helping Daniel Tan, who was the worship leader for the 1st message, as sound crew. This camp is an overnight camp and I thought that Cass and Eunice would definitely be staying, so I just brought clothes to stay over. In the end I was the only one to be staying over in church, the other 2 decided not to.

Anyway, Pastor Ed also didn't know that I would be staying so it was a surprise for him, which ended up being a very pleasant and helpful surprise. I helped him with every little thing that I could in regards to the church property. Like where is this place and that, guide campers to their rooms, boil hot water, buy supper for him, keep watch while he used the girl's toilet to bathe... etc etc. I just took care of all the loose ends.

I felt that the camp was very much planned by God for me to be there. The massage was very much catered to me as it taught and reminded me of some things I needed to know if I really wanted to join the YM and be a youth leader. I really thank God for the speakers.

This camp too I've met someone really important to me. As for now, she is the answer to my prayer but I would like to pray more about it and not jump to conclusion. If you could remember sometime back for the BAG book 3 graduation, we had to spend some quiet moments with God and then write down some goals and stuff and then shared it with a group of people? Well, then I wrote some goals that I have prayed about before, these are not new thoughts but reiterated ones and so I just filled up the paper anyway. I had parallel goals when I filled up the questionnaire. One was for my personal and the other for my own family(when I get married).

I have prayed about serving God as a family, honouring Him by being a model family. It wont mean that we wont have our problems as a family, but we face each encounter in a Christ-like manner with love. I want to model after Gordan and Lina's family if you could understand.

That was my long term goal. To serve God by ministering to others in a family manner. And the short term goal, was to get a girl friend. I know that sounds funny. I blushed and giggled as I shared this with my group, but that is really what I wrote. Get a girl friend this year.

So I was talking to this girl I've met in the camp and we hit off rather well. During one the the session where Rev May Tan was sharing about John Calvin, she mentioned about us being 20 as very old in the past. This was a suitable age that men and women then would have gotten married and have families.

She shocked me with her reply to that statement. She said, "I wont mind."
I replied her, "Are you sure? You're still so young."
She said, "Yup, I'm sure. I wont mind. I planned to get married at 24 actually. I hope to date the guy for 4 years. And I'm 20 now, go do the maths."

I was shocked. She knew what she wanted. For a moment I didn't realise that she would have to be attached this year if that were to happen. I was silenced. In my heart I asked God is this why I'm here. So divinely arranged?

Anyway, nothing else happened after that. I didn't even ask for her number. As for now, I'm just waiting and anticipating what God would do with this life of mine. Its exciting and I'm ready for it.

Back to the topic of why I'm blogging today. I thought of her(eye candy) today and was feeling glum. I heard that she's going to the states for attachment. The thought of her being away for her birthday was rather depressing. I wanted to do something for her, yet, it seems like I wont get to. Maybe this is God's divine plan again? Maybe He wanted me to know that no matter what I do for her, she isn't meant for me.

I wonder if she is going for the BAG replacement outing tomorrow? It could probably be the last time hanging out with her if she is really going on attachment. I'm sure I'll miss her a lot. Who ever she's with next time I'm sure to feel a pinch of jealousy, but I hope that guy is so perfect and good for her that I'll be at peace. I've been like carrying a torch for her since sec 3. Its a long time isn't it? Now I just don't want to include her in the picture. I just want to focus on God and his plan and will and serve Him wholeheartedly.

Please let me see you tomorrow, even if its the last time, I just want to see you.

Mood-less

Its been super long since I last blogged. Lots of things had happened in the past week or 2, but I just dont have the mood to write them down. I feel sorry for myself, some of these memories have to be written down so that I know where I am with my walk with God. Sorry guys, till then when the moods comes.

I wanna know

what its like to have your hair in my face.

with you in my arms, under the sun we'll laze.

I'm secretly in love with you

but I dont know if I'm for you.

Feeling Emo

Yea, I'm feeling a little emo now. No Idea why, maybe the song I was listening to was emo, Icebox. Hmm, I agree with Lyd that thinking of someone you like can be fun and to me addictive as well. If only I could mediate on the word of God like this. Thinking about it day and night and keep renewing my mind to the enlightenment that God's give.

Yes, I'm hungry. I'm hungry for the WORD. I realised that I have not been fed for a long time and I have not read the Word enough to sustained. Sermon in church aint helping and I need lessons with Cheryl and David to continue this walk with my Father. I talk to Him a lot and most of the time I'm just either praising Him, thanking Him or lamenting to Him. Its so like one sided. I dont know. And most of the time I'm actually thinking about the 'ideal' wife and when something like strikes me, I'll be like, "Hey Father, you know what I'm thinking right? Is that what you want for me too?" kinda thoughts. Today, the thought was, "She should compliment my weaknesses yet like-minded in our goals to serve God and give Him Glory."

My mind is in a whirl right now. I've got so many things in my head. Well I may say that I'm not worried but I'm just planning in my head my future. I've got my further studies to think about. The career that I want. Girls, yes, I'm a sucker for them and I keep thinking of their good and bad points. My NS vocation. Meeting up with friends. So many things.

Its like when I thought I got a good plan, something or someone will like question the plan and I quiver and then scrap the plan thinking that maybe its not good after all. Oh wells, I've rant enough about problems.

Today we had some Valentine game that went on in the YA. It was planned and executed by Shaun, Lydia and myself. I think it was ok. Not fabulous but good enough for the effort we put in. Lots of work went into preparing, executing and all but it was good fun doing it with Shaun and Lydia. Thank God for them. The name of the game is $h@unhopoly! (instead if monopoly). But instead of buying house and all, you move round the board and do challenges! The challenges are quite fun ok! Had a good time laughing.

After YA was vocal training. Nothing much to say. After that went to SimLim with Cheryl and Joel to buy some IT gadget and Wii games. After SimLim it was to town to meet Cass and Dan Tan. I had a good time at Mos Burger Taka. Thanks for the company guys!

I guess I really need to sit down and plan my future. Then put it at the feet of Christ and surrender it all to Him. Or I do nothing and wait for Him to show me His plan and call me to do His will.

Wine and Cindy&PengFong

Yes, my beloved cousins are back in Singapore for the Lunar New Year! They are my beloved cousin and cousin-in-law cause not only do they pamper me with good alcohol, they too talk me out about stuffs that would help me make a better decision in life.

So today I had 2 parties at Blue Horizon. The first was Lydia's house warming. The food was alright and I give them credits as its all home cooked food! Really lots of efforts put into preparing them. She booked a tennis court and I had fun playing. Cass brought cards and we played bridge. It was nice to have en xuan to mix with us.

After that event it was my Grand Uncle place for dinner. They prepared BBQ and Steamboat. Food was good, well, the BBQ stuffs were ordered, not home made, so the quality was professional. As for the steamboat, I wasnt interested at all. Cindy came over with Pengfong from a friend's place. They just had 9 bottles of wine in 5hours! Goodness gracious me! That is madness. But what is really mad is the wine that was left over. This bottle named RBJ is a wine made by 3 really good wine maker. The wine is 13 years old but it still have its flavour retained. Amazing. Smooth tasty wine. The price, somewhere in the region of SGD$80.

She brought 4 bottle of her own. 2 reds 2 whites. The whites are nice. The first bottle opened is a Italian white. Light and crisp. The second red opened was an Italian red. A rather normal table red. It was rather forgettable. The 3rd a Saint Claire(NZ) Resling. Not the usual sweet ones but the zesty limely kinda flavour. Its nice and refreshing. Love it for its tangyness. And the last. Its my favourite now. An American red wine. Its good cause the winemaker is good. Bondavi(I guess its the name of the winemaker). Its a Cabernet Sauvigon, to me, a red that cant be trusted as its all over the place. But what changed my mind is how smooth and flavourful this wine tasted. Really crafted perfectly by this fabulous winemaker. I even thought for a moment that the wine tasted like a merlot. Wonderful wine and its cheap. Not more that SGD$20. According to Cindy, this is one of the lower range of wine that this winemaker makes. I just cant imagine the upper range that he makes. It would definitely blow my mind!

Well, that is CNY for me. Fun and drinks and catching up with my cousins and friends and just be merry. Tuan yuan shi ke kuai le he xin fu de shi. Let no one, nothing, spoil the fun for you!

Ex(s)

Let me start of by saying that I'm not bad mouthing or 'kiss-and-tell' it all kinda stuffs that I'm about to write. Yes I know I dont need an (s) at the back of mine, but its just for the majority. I just came back from a chill out session with some of my really good friends and we were talking about this and it seems really interesting what we were talking about.

So, the story goes like this, S is my friend that I hang out with. He has a girlfriend and she is C. So recently S and C arent seen together anymore and S seems to like have a sudden weird interest in other girls. So our suspicion arise as S isnt that kind who would gain an outspoken interest in other girls while he is attached. I have not seen C around for quite sometime already and so I decided to ask J who is S's close buddy. According to J, S didnt mention anything about break up but when questioned about C, he merely responds with a " I have not spoken to her in a long while". So since J couldnt get anymore out of S, J and I decided to go and ask C directly.

C is S and J's common friend. So getting C out wasnt an awkward or out of a blue thing to do. We talked to C and we got the answer from her. S and her have broken up and she wants to talk to him but he isnt keen. So here comes out topic.

1) The guy usually dont want to talk to the girl after a break up.
2) Its wrong of other guy friends to hang out with a buddy's Ex.
3) The Ex(guy/girl) will bad mouth about the ex(s).

Apparently, (1) seems to be true. I, myself, for one, am like that. I dont know what is the reason that I dont want to talk to her but I just dont want to. For N is the same. He doesnt really bothers about his Ex. Maybe he does talk to them when hee needs to, but usually he wont want to talk to them or mention about them at all. When others does, he gets defensive and sometimes angry. As for S, he is a total no go. He hates them, doesnt want to talk about them, see them, be near them. Its a total excommunication for him. So, for (1) it really does seem that Ex is an Ex and I have nothing to do with them unless REALLY REALLY no choice or life and death situation or last resort that a guy would find an Ex.

I have always thought that its fine that my buddies hang out with my Ex. I mean after all they could be mutual friends too and in time that we have dated, some of my friends would have become her friends too. But from N's point of view its not a good to be doing. You are not being loyal to your buddy! And he feels that its like wrong to be out with your buddy's Ex. But he did agree that its fine sometimes and that your buddy need not know that you meet up with his Ex. As for S, you know that he is no go, so his stand perhaps would be its wrong. And probably ask you back, " What do you want by hanging out with her, you tell me."

I really dont think that your Ex would bad mouth about you. I feel that I go for both looks and character so I know if she is a nice girl or not. Maybe I have only 1 ex so I cant comment on this. Or maybe I was lucky to have a rather nice ex who doesnt do it, or maybe I just dont know what she says behind me! but N really thinks that would happen. I think he feels this way cause he had an ex that was scary after they broke up but I dont think any of them ever bad mouthed him.

So in my opinion, I really think that after a break up its hard for Ex(s) to be friends and talk. Its far easier ignoring each other and just get on with life. And I still dont think its wrong that my friends hangs out with my Ex. I mean I do get jealous (like why do they rather go out with her than with me) but I have to be rational. My friends are her friends too, I cant be selfish and self-centered and be a spoil brat. As for the last topic, I've just got 1 thing to say about this: You are the one who chose girl/guy. If you go for just looks only, then probably you would end up having one that bads mouth you to all of your friends and her friends and eveyone else and make you look like a jerk. I go for looks (yes that is important) and I go for character (this is even more important) and would seriously date them if they possess both elements. In this case, I wont have to worry about they bad mouthing part, cause I know I'm a very very NICE guy (ok you can vomit/faint or whatever you want though that is the truth!) and I'll treat her very well. And if they have a good character, they wont bad mouth. They would probably just let it go (I think, girls are hard to predict and understand).

If you have any opposing thoughts or any other thoughts about this, you could respond in the comments section. I would like to hear your opinion. But PLEASE, think before you type. Be kind and gentle in your response. Thank you :)

Characters mentioned in this post are deliberately censored so that their privacy is protected and kept confidential. If you think that you know they characters mentioned, trying to ask them about this would be futile as they wont know what you are talking about. Even if they do know, they wont tell you what they know. Thank you for helping by just taking this as a topic in this blog only. Thank you.

Just some random memory

I just saw someone's friendster. Someone I've found in school cause my Best Bud Nick thought she was nice. I'm sure she is. I mean after looking at her profile for a while (then) I have added her to my list of friends. She has a look that I can say every morning when I wake up next to her that she is the prettiest thing I've ever set my eyes on.

Just a description on how she looks like may give you a rough idea of how the girl I like should be.

1) The thing that attracts me to a girl is how pretty she is (facial beauty that is)

2) She got eyes that can speak (full of emotions and feelings like by looking at her eyes you know if she is sad, angry, happy) ( this is highly important for me)

3) She's got a smile that melts your heart totally. (and drain your pocket dry)

4) She got a side parting for her hair. (and knows how to pin it up at times to look neat and tie up to look sporty)

5) Dress up simply yet looks so hot to die for (not over exposed yet, sweet demure and matured)

6) Apparently I like girls with round nose (as observed by my sister)

So yea, that is a description of the girl I like. Roughly that would be it. If there is anything else I realise that I like, I'll add it in here again.

TGIF

Well lets start with thanks giving shall we? Since we are taught that we should give thanks at all times and that we should start our praying with thanks giving in our heart. But still its easier also to blog chronologically. So here it goes...

TGIF! Yup Thank-God-Its-FRIDAY! the end of the week but its not today that I'm referring to but LAST friday. Yes last friday was AWESOME! Well, we were supposed to have a group dinner. I dont know if I could called it a CG dinner but anyway, since BAG was postponed to the next day Clare and Cass decided to organise a dinner get-together. Well I expected LOTS of people to attend. But what I did not expect was the outcome of the attendance on the night itself. Its was simply Clare, Lyd, Vanny and ME! Well, I dont know if I were beaming all the way but I think I showed that I was happy. Oh the food was good too. I like the Fried potato ball =)

ps Lyd: I would gladly pay for her and you and clare for this perfect dinner but being a NSF that I am, I really cant afford it.

After dinner we went to meet Cass (who was late as usual) at Holland V. We decided to go to Settlers Cafe to play some games. Well, I have never been to Settlers so it was an eye opener for me. I can proudly say that Mind's Cafe is loads better! I'm not bias but just looking at the set up, my previous boss Alvin(too) had planned far better than Settlers.

It was fun playing at Settlers. Not that the games were damn fun but the company was GOOD! Ok, maybe I'm being bias here. But no matter what I was enjoying myself. Lyd had to go off first and so after she left we didnt felt like playing anymore also and decided to go chill elsewhere.

We ended up at Coldrock(I think, as I seemed to have forgotten the name of the place) eating ice cream. Well, I dont know why but I felt like having Sorbet and had 2 scoops of Sorbet. One lime and the other mango. As for Vanny, Cass and Clare they chose something funny. I dont know what it was or how to describe it but it just tasted weird. I'm glad I had my Sorbet.

Guess who we saw 'pa tor'ing there? Mr Ethan Ho and his date Ms Ruth Wong!!! Well Ruth is staying in a rented place near Holland V as her school is nearer to this area and Mr Ho was sending his date home. So nice huh...

By the time we decided to leave Holland V it was close to 11.45pm. We walked to Bouna Vista Mrt with hopes to catch the last train. Thank God we managed to board the last train to Pasir Ris. I was with her alone in the train. It was a little awkward and I did not know what to say. I tried making small talk with her, but she looked tired, so we had pauses of silence. I had made up my mind to send her home before entering the train. I really wanted to send her home. But somehow, something in my head told me that doing nothing is better than doing something. With much reluctance, I left the train at Raffles Place to take the North-South Line home.

Boarding the train I couldnt resist but I had to message her. Its something that Sammie had kinda like made a habit into me. She would always say when we part, "Let me know when you're home ok. Be safe." and that was what I smsed her. I didnt really expect her to reply. But when I was home I had an sms that was from her telling me that she is home safe and sound. If you could imagine this then please do. I jumped for joy :)

Anyway, that Friday night was awesome. Perhaps there would be something more in the near future to come.

Headache...

Don't think that having a title like "Intelligent Assistant" is an 'easy-going, 8-5, slack, just-do-some-admin' kinda job.

If you think that its something like that then you are terribly WRONG!

Being in the unit that I'm in now is giving me headache. I look at computers the whole day! Gosh I thought gaming too much is the scariest thing that happened to me but NO! This is. I stare at the computer which shows 2 black and white photos that are taken from the sky at different angles.

My job? To look at these images using a polarised glasses and plot the height of these 3D images that have been created by optics illusion. I'm having headache from looking at these images everyday. I'm not 'talented' in being able to see these images therefore I try very hard to try and see and differentiate the height of these image. Work is one part of the headache.

The other? Well, I dont know what I want. And thus that is giving me a headache. While do I end up with this conclusion all the time? I dont know myself. But I know God knows and I'm leaving it at his feet.

Well I happy about a lot that is gonna happen. There is a worship seminar that is coming up and I'm gearing myself up to go. Lord prepare my expectant heart :)

Emo-tionally affected

Well, I guess the title says it all. Being emo is rather sucky. Thought I would never have to go through that again with it being all left behind. Not that I'm really over it, as its really my first love, there is a special place for that. But more like I choose to ignore the fact that is in my face.

I felt love sick today. Seriously. I was listening to all the emo-heartbroken love song on my way back home. I just wanted to spend time with her. In anyway actually. In groups having bible study or having a meal or playing games or just about anything. But I only gotta do it once recently. Sunday just came and gone. Attended service, went for a birthday party, came back for vocal lessons then dinner with Joel and his parents. There, Sunday was over. I didn't even spend 5 mins with her in some way. I guess feeling awful is being carried over to today.

Lyd is being emo over Clare too. She has broken up with him over issues like parents (hey! now that sounds familiar) and isn't over it. She still hurt inside, cry at night, wished things wasn't this way. How he would distance himself a little and not be like how things were in the past. Seems like we are going through some similar feelings.

I'm talking to Sam now as I write this. Aired some stuffs to her that I didn't want to leave here. Thank God she's online.

Now I just feel like drowning all my sorrow like I did in the past. But now I rather enjoy the wines I bought and have the same effect of numbness and sleep happily.

Lord I prayed, help me to remember this prayer as things come to past and are revealed.

I'm crazy, I know.

Its just funny isnt it? Missing the person so much that you have to contemplate the whole day thinking of whether or not to go. Then when you have decided to go cause you really wanted to see her, you sms a friend just to make sure that she would be there.

When the reply was asking if you're going, suddenly loads of excuses appeared about why you shouldn't go. And in the end you decided not to go.

Isn't absence the factor that makes a heart grow fonder? Isn't that a very strong factor for me? Well, it is. but some how there were too many things that was preventing me from going.

1) I have not told my aunt that I'm not going back for dinner. It was too late to tell her.

2) I'm having supper with my section mates at 11pm. I need the car, going back from commonwealth isn't exactly that near.

3) The reason is just too much to say here. But just know that I'm glad I didnt go.

So yea, I'll see her on Sunday then. Well, absence is working again, that is why I'm blogging this now.

Anyway, I just received my SAFRA card! wooohoo!

Fever!

Yesterday I had worship practice in church at 11am. Yes, 11am. Freaking early huh?! but there wasnt any choice as the Synod was using our church as the AGM venue and was from 2pm -6pm.

Well practice was fine. Things went on smoothly and we ended at about 1.15pm. I was famished by then. So we (the worship team) decided to go to PS for lunch. After practice I was super tired, emo-ed, sian diao-ed. I didnt know why, so when they ask me what happened to me I just told them that I was trying to be Shaun, autistic :)

We went to PS Cartel for lunch and it was fabulous. Really good :) I mean its not like super uber good. But I guess I had good company and the food was really tasty and thus I'm satisfied. Then they wanted to go and get a birthday card for Rae, whose birthday is just 2 days away. So we went hunting for a nice card. It was only then that I realised why I was so moody and sian diao. I think I was falling sick. So we left PS at about 3pm and I was home by 4.

Not feeling too well, I had a bath and decided to take a nap. When I woke up at 6pm, I was running a fever. I went to pop 2 panadols for cold and went back to sleep. Hoping I'll get better. When I was up again at 8pm, the fever was still on. I decided not to sleep and waited till 10pm before I went to bed. All through the night I was awoken by the heat my body was generating. I decided to take another 2 panadols hoping things will be fine. It was also then that I decided to pray.

I prayed that God whose wound, 39 slashes of the whip that binds all the illnesses in the world would heal me of this fever. That my recovery will be a testimony to His promise and greatness to who He is. That through this I would know that my God hears the prayers of His people. And that at service the next day I would play drum by the Spirit and not on my own strength.

When I woke up at 7am, my fever was GONE! what a miracle. Seriously, to me, a fever that has been running for more than 12 hours and gone by the time I needed to wake up and go to church is a Miracle! I gave thanks to God who did it. It was through Him that all my weaknesses and iniquity were removed.

In between all these drama about the fever, I had dreams. I dreamt that she was taking care of me cause I had a fever. Then I got woken up. So I thought, hey that wasnt a bad dream.

Then I fell asleep again. This time she was in my house. But secretly. We were kinda like together but not to the knowledge of my parents. and in the end we got busted. and I woke up again.

I guess my brain got rather fried dreaming all these things and with a temperature running at the same time.

You guys asked me why I dont want to go home since I'm not feeling well. I dare not answer there and then, but here it is. I rather attend the meeting, sit there and say nothing to see her smile.

I rather hangout more, every minute is a blessing more to me. Lunch was awesome again :)

If you guys understand this, please dont say anything to anyone. Keep it within yourselves and let it be our little secret. I cant do anything about it but just continue to pray that something good may happen in the end. Please dont talk about it lest this pleasant situation turns for the worse. Thank you :)