I need a scream

Its been a month or more since she came back. Now as it seems, the blog has ended, the way her exchange has and the way for me to know how's she's doing.

I have been in a roller-coaster ride for this part of my life now. The highs and the lows is really driving me nuts. I thank God that I'm not yet nuts though. This past weeks have been mad. Work in camp is piling as the date for inspection draws closer. I cant seem to make everything right there. There would always be something wrong no matter how I try to rectify the problem.

I not spoken to someone in a while. Well, her msn nick now says break my heart for what breaks yours. It was the exact prayer I had. I wonder if she just like that part of the song or she really meant it as a prayer too. I miss her, somehow. I find that I have the ability to miss someone, even when I dont know her well or am not close to the person at all. Perhaps I'm just crazy.

I miss the other her also. She seems pretty out of reach. Well, I know God is calling me to obedience again. But somehow I'm not able to do so. And He did hint the consequences. Not that He is using her as a bait or incentive. He doesnt need to do that, He is God! He is above methods like that. But even when I know what is at stake, I cant seem to obey. I am actually devastated, to be so out of touch with her life.

And I've just realised that I've misplace a very important paper. All the info I needed is there and I cant find it. The deadline for it is also drawing near and I have yet to take any actions. I am an ass, a very big ass procrastinator. I need to change that seriously. Tomorrow might not just come, and I might not have done what I need to do.

I thank God for the many opening opportunity to lead worship. That has been my prayer but I realise that I really have to be careful what I wish (pray) for. No, I know its not a wrong wish or prayer, but I guess leading worship all the time will cause me to be burnt out, lose novelty. I need a lot prayer in this area.

Gossip Girl is back and Naruto is being updated very regularly. I'm glad that there are escapes like these to keep me happy. Its getting late and I'm suffering from the lack of sleep, yet I dont feel like sleeping.

I feel like talking to someone, going out with someone, capturing essence of life with someone. I want my life to be lived with someone. Crap, I think dramas are getting the better of me, makes me think too much.

I know what is screwing my life up actually. But I'm caving in. The exact thing he would want me to do. Yet, I dont stand strong, sorry God, I'm trying. each time I fall, I know You are there to pick me up to me stronger than I was before.

Pray for me if you read this alright. I need directions in my life. I dont know what to do for ministry. I mean I know God calls for this, but when things arent clear and I have to make a choice how?! And for a life partner and for a career. I want it to be really in line with God's will. All of it. Yet I dont know what.

_______ , _______ wherefore thou art thy _______?

I need a scream.

What's going on...

Its been a while since I last updated my blog. No entries doesn't meaning nothing much has been going on. In fact, is the exact opposite. Too much has been going on.

This blog has remained my outlet with regards to my love life I guess. The only reason why I feel like blogging is when I feel emo.

Right now, I dont know what to feel.

The 3 roses.

I've been troubled by these 3 roses for quite some time already. Each time I dont know what to do. I can only commit them and myself to God in prayer.

The first one being the one that I really love. The one that God actually gave my heart a desire for. The sweetest girl with the most beautiful smile. I've liked her for close to 6 years now. But so far nothing has happened between us. Anyway, at the moment, she's totally unreachable. Her heart is with another.

The second is the one who is fun and flirty. She gives me a nice feel, but apparently she is friendly to everyone too. She has been a bit of an influence to my music and she is as arty as I like her to be. I imagine photo taking sessions with her and going to pubs listening to local stuffs. She brings out the fun and joy in me.

As for the third one, I've only recently got close to her. After hanging out with her for awhile, I find that she is really pretty and cute and fun. But it does seems like she is a little shallow, but nonetheless, I believe that there's more to her than that. She easily excitable and its really nice to talk to her.

I so want to be with any of them now. I feel like I need a relationship of a deeper level. I pray and pray but I dont know what God has planned for me. Its causing me to think a lot these days.

Anyway, this is just for cheap thrill. I've typed this whole post on my handphone. Cool huh?!

If you know what I mean

I really just feel like falling in love with you. I'm holding back now cause I dont want another repeated episode of what I went through the last time, but I feel very reckless now. I just wanna fall so deep I wonder how would I climb up and out when I have to. It seems foolish, yes it is foolish and love makes you foolish, doesnt it?

Its not that I dont care about God anymore or if I wanna rebel against Him. No, I'm not. Neither am I on a vendetta that since she is going into one so must I. No, I'm not jealous or reacting the severe opposite way. I just want a companionship that is more than just friend. Someone I can pour out my love to. I guess, in some way, I understand how God feels. A small fraction of knowing what it feels like to have love yet not share it.

I just want to hold you so close to me, forever. that is the feeling I get when I'm near you. But I'm afraid to fall in love with you. I dont know if I would end up hurting you or you hurting me. And somehow, you are not the one God seem to have placed in my heart.

At this moment I wished that I dont have to think of the consequences, the aftermath, the causes and effect, I just wanna fall for you. You make it so hard for me, yet, I do have feelings for you. If only I knew what is going through your mind.

Tonight would be the night I fall for you, only if I'm sure that this would be true.

Technology

The address bar is my short cut to websites and it has always been "h" + "down arrow" for hotmail. I have no idea when it became "h" + "down arrow" to become her blog. The thing is this, her blog lags up my whole com for a good 30secs. If the computer, is like what the HP advert says it is, "the computer is personal again", then this computer of mine is not only personal but is thinking like me now. Gosh, each time I see her blog, I wished she'd come back now, or better, I wished I were there with her.

So vague that it hurts

I hope it isnt what it is. My heart will just bleed dry. But at the very same moment, I am reminded about a God who is ever faithful. Who never short changed me once and definitely provides for all my needs. Its up to me to trust in this God and surrender all to Him cause that is all He requires of me.

the one

this is the one face I dream of every night. the one smile I've dreamt of seeing. the one girl whom God gave me in a vision. the one desire that was put into my heart. the one I often chose to forget. the one I tried to forget but I cant. the only one person who each time I look at makes my heart skip a beat, my mind to freeze, my legs to wobble and hands to sweat. the one I have gave up to God. the one I told God "take her away and I'll still love you". the one I want to share my life with. the one I really admire. the only one I feel I cant measure up to. the one who is blur at times. the one whose picture is the first I've ever posted. the one I really hope to be married to.

Please dont spread this around, I really hope she doesnt see this. maybe not now at least.