Knotted

My heart is in a knot. A girl, whom I thought would be my first love, someone whom I really thought would be my wife never did happen. Subsequently I dated a Delilah, but couldnt shake her off for a while. And then there was this Godly woman whom I thought might be the one, but she too never did really take off with me.

Too bad for me I often thought. I know God told me to guard my heart and perhaps that is why I never really tried to make any thing happen. I guarded my heart, but some times I try to open it up a little, just to see if any sparks would fly.

Met someone in KL, thought maybe I should give it a try, but that Voice within my head, tells me to stop and wait. Last semester break, I met up with an old crush. She is God loving, mission focused and a nurse. Been out with her twice so far, but I dont know where this might be leading to. So far, we are just friends.

Now in this new semester, another Godly woman has appeared and my mind is telling me to GO FOR IT. Well, I have no idea if she is Godly or not yet, but all I know is that she is a Christian.

As much as my mind is logically saying to just go for it, my heart is guarded and waiting out to see His promises come through. What I realised today is that back then when I really like Christina Aguileria, that fact hasnt changed a bit today. Still pretty much in love with her, perhaps its all but just a dream.

Parenting

Its interesting that over dinner with the CPC bunch at Timbre a topic on parenting was discussed. The topic was that, to make ends meet, parents are unable to give a child proper upbringing. Is this an individual or a cultural or a societal issue/problem? What is the root of the problem? It is proven that a child's social economic status (SES) affect his/her IQ. So nature vs nurture. Which is more important?

CHURCH

The church used to be a place that meets the needs of her people. When the need is not met, people tend to leave. How then can we cultivate an environment to meet the needs of people yet at the same time allow the presence of God to inhabit our church. Not in the four walls of the physical building, but in the lives of the believer, which is the body of Christ.

CNY

I know this post is titled CNY, but its more like a rant post. No, I'm not ranting cause I am angry kinda rant, I rant cause I just happen to feel like it :) Yes I am a feeler if you have not already known.

So what is this all about? Well, recently I've been having mixed/contradicting thoughts in my head. For example, going back home during CNY is mainly for the family. To meet extended relatives who you probably meet once a year and when the older people pass on into the afterlife, we generally stop visiting altogether. Well, this time round CNY is for me, to meet up relatives from my Mum side and CPC people. I am homesick, for the first time in my life I actually feel homesick. I wonder what December in Singapore did to me, but I am homesick. My heart wants me back in SG yet my mind is in KL. Its with the amount of homework and practice I am missing out, its with 2 special people in KL, its with issues that are happening around me in school.

Speaking of which, I know how much God loves me when He consistently places someone eligible in front of me. Its a test and its also an assurance of His never ending ability to provide. This semester, there happen to be a girl who is rather low profile, unassuming, a pianist and sings rather well in my class. To top it off, she is Cute! She stays in PJ (what are the odds!) and is a Christian! (half the previous odds again!) In my mind I was like, PERFECT! But this voice in my head whisper to guard your heart boy...

I know I know, this is really not a good time to get into a relationship for fun. I need to make sure that I can cope with dating and with studying. Not only that, all the other eligible girls whom I have considered and prayed about. I dont wanna rush something that I am gonna have for a life time.

I might compare or even equate it with buying a guitar, but I know girls out there will kill me. Even so, if you really know me, I love my guitar very much. I think I will love a girl just as much or even more. I believe that it will be even more and at the moment, I love my guitars very much.

You see, when I buy a guitar, I look for what catch my eyes. I wanna see if it looks good. Then I would pick it up and play it. I wanna hear if the tone is something I like or am looking for. Next I would feel the guitar, I wanna feel if I can connect with her. That is what I generally look for, the looks, the tone and the feel. You could pretty much say the same for me when I look for a life partner. Except for the fact that I can have a few guitars and play what I want to, feel like playing at that moment, that's something I can never do to my wife. NEVER!

Saying never isnt tagged with a bad connotation behind it. Saying never is a promise that I'll be faithful. Saying never is a reminder that I must not be living in the old man where I get tired of something and I look to something new. Ah what a long post on girls and guitars. But oh well, they are the two things that are frequently on my mind and lips.

You know, as I typed that, I wonder how did David and the Priest and the other Psalmist have God's praises on their mind and lips all day long. I mean, yes, I praise God in all situation. I give thanks and I truly am grateful for all the favours and grace that is upon my life and I wonder, what it would be like to behold the beauty of the Lord, something that King David so desired. I know what its like to behold His glory, but His beauty? Maybe that is the tipping point for me to turn from a son to a lover.

Love, lover, seems like I cant get out of that topic. God, love, girls, guitar, music, friends and family. My world kinda just revolves all around these things. It isnt good or bad, just interesting.

Well anyway, this CNY is my last lepak period. Right after this, when I get back, its a disciplined, full steam ahead, 100% all in, time. When I get back, that very week I have to submit my first assignment. Prepare, practice my friday performance, study for ICAs and then work hard for this sem. I know I can do it and make it. Just sacrifice fun for now. I know I might be less sociable, but I dont care. Even if I lose out getting that girl, or whatever. For now, God and studies.

Happy Blessed Chinese New Year everyone. May God shower you with a life that in abundant in Him.

New thoughts

While I was back in SG in December, I spent some time walking alone down Orchard Road and I was listening to my iPod and worshiping. This thought came to my mind as I was reminded of what Shihyang shared that week.

How radical, or even incredible, that when I walk down Orchard Road, with an iPod in my ear, with my heart, soul and spirit I worship and bring the presence God into wherever I am. My body as the host of His being and presence, Infecting/fogging/cleansing/healing/restoring/proclaiming/redeeming/repossessing/rededicating each and every inch of SG.

Radical? Yes/No? I wonder if this is even possible. And if a group were to be doing this, how tangible will the presence be? Is this considered prayer walking? I am quite excited to try it actually.

Bible in a Year

So I decided that I wanna try finishing the bible in a Year. If I manage to do this, it'll be a first and I hope my accountability sisters would keep me in check.

Anyway, today is the first day of OWNit365(the program I'm using) and I've read about Joseph, Moses and Job. One common theme in today's devotion is the leadership and favour they each had with God. These men were exemplary in their relationship with God.

One other theme is that Moses whose name meaning drawing from the water and in Job 30 it was about the God being behind the wind and the storm. Again, wind and water is being mentioned here.

Besides my devotion for today, theme of the day for house church seems to be LOVE. People were sharing about the love of God and I suddenly have this want to use worship to allow this love to flow down from heaven, yet not by my own strength or by might, but may it be empowered by His Holy Spirit.

Just sing and worship God just as who He is to you. Let no one tell you who God should be to you, but experience Him as how He wants to with you and with every step and season of your life.

I must come to a realization that I cannot live a careless life. That my devotion to Jesus is 24/7.365. Devoted in deed in thoughts in words. I just cant afford it. I cannot afford to have Jesus out.

"Words of affirmation is food for the soul." - Uncle Hock Seng

Characteristic of a Disciple
• Committed relationship
• Apprenticeship
• Multiplication
• Transformation by the Holy Spirit

Some points of notes from last week sermon by Dr Ed Pousson

1 Corinthians 13

This life is given to you and me, a test you might say to see how much love is in you. If Christ is in you, then you are love. He who is I AM, He who is LOVE is in you.

•The fall is the failure to love
•Sin is the refusal to love
•Hell is the inability to love

Salvation is the restoration of our capacity to love.

Love in a selfless way, love your neighbour as yourself. Learn to love before it's too late

Model love to a world without love

Add a touch of love in everything you do

In BAG today I realize that youths find words of blessings to be nice words. Till they experience grace and peace from the Lord, it'll be just a nice word. But such experience comes with a tipping point, a crisis.

Sorry for the fragmented thoughts and the bad arrangement. I wrote these notes while I was listening to the sermons/sharing and these are just some thoughts off my head.

PS: For today, I just want to thank God for my little discussion group. I thank God that we are growing closer and may God take us to another level of deep sharing and intimacy with God and each other.

What lies ahead

I know this post is 14days late as 2 weeks have passed by since the start of a new year. But why am I keep track of dates? That I dont know why, but what I do know is that this is yet another year where time will fly by so fast and I'll be wondering about what had happened in a year.

December holiday was short and sweet. It was really refreshing to my soul though my physical body would not agree with me. Late nights after late nights and all the supper, I think my body was screaming "abuse" but my palettes and craving were satisfied. In that short time, I managed to cook my 6 course meal twice and achieved a real satisfaction in tasting my own cooking. Something that I really felt good about. I have always been a grill specialist, but now a 6 course, not-so-fine dining is not a problem for me. Most of the credit goes to allrecepie.com and my aunt for doing the prep work. I merely just used my hands and cook.

From December till now, as I reflect and think back, I just wanna thank God for all He has done and given me. Thank you Pa, You really provided for all of my needs. Nothing else really matter more than You being part of it all. From the providence to the talents/abilities given, from friends to family time, all in all I thank You. Without You, there wouldn't be me and the love and joy which gives me strength to love anyone and do anything for anyone.

My life cannot be separated from God. If you take Him out of my life, there wouldn't life. It'll probably be a guy who is dragging himself through life and dreading it. There you'll see him taking drug, having sex or raping girls, drinking alcohol and using addictions to temporarily ease the pain. Ultimately, he would end up taking his own life to stop the suffering once and for all.

In these coming months, I know that things wont be going too easy. The breakthroughs that are about to come would probably need time spend going on our knees seeking the heart of the Father to see His will being done. Lots of intercessions and time being with Him is needed in these few coming months. We need to be like the sons of Issachars who knew the time of the Lord and with understanding proceed to do His will.

Today an interesting sermon was preached by Dr Tan Soo Inn. He is a Doctor by profession, a dentist. He became a preacher because of a burden that God has placed in his heart even before he pursued dentistry. It was interesting how parents sometimes become the obstacle to a child's calling. In his case, his parents told him to finish dentistry and work for a bit first before thinking about going to seminary. In my case, my parents told me to finish my poly and then NS first before they allowed me to study sound engineering/music.

But somehow God's timing is always the best. Its never too late nor too early. True that we might not know otherwise what might have happened, but the fact is that no matter what has happened, I am able to praise Him and thank Him for all that He has done for me today, right now in this moment.

So what is interesting in today's service is that the speaker is someone who is in his mid fifties and co wrote a workbook about discovering your personal life mission. The book that this workbook is based on is written by Gordon T. Smith titled, Courage and Calling: Embracing your God-given potential. Well, in his case, he was burden about the church's lack in having good teachers and leadership. Being a second generation Christian, he realised that his parent's faith is not his own faith. Everyone is different, unique the moment God created you, and needs to experience God in his own way.

What struck me was when he said this,"Dont ever use your burden as a yardstick to measure another person's burden. Everyone has a burden and a passion for different things, that is how God has made him to be; a unique individual."

Sometimes I sigh at the life of others, why cant they be more radical, or do something crazy for God? And when I put myself against the same measure I used for them, I realise that I am just as bad. What really interest me is that this man is willing to invest time to do a one on one session to help people identify their personal calling. This really struck a note within me. If there were such a material available, I want it. Not for myself but for the young people out there. My burden is for the church and her young people.

Another wise word from this man is this," If you are 15 years old and you dont know what you calling is, its fine. Just keep seeking the Lord and explore all possibilities. Parents, dont force your child upon what you think his calling is, they dont need these kind of unnecessary pressure. Some people only find their calling at 30 when they are wiser and able to identify for the past 20 odd years what the Lord has been trying to get them to do. Some people only find that out in their 50s, but its never too late. Better late then never. But if you as a young person have already known your calling, its not the end. God would fine-tune it and or perhaps expand it."

I am excited to know the calling of people around me and seeing them grow into the roles that God has prepared for them. Its so exciting! The process of finding out and becoming that which God has called is always the most exciting, satisfying and rewarding thing one can ever achieve along side with God. Just as Dr Soo Inn and I believe, it all begin with knowing your identity.

IDENTITY. From Bill Johnson to Kris Vallotton to Dr Tan Soo Inn, the bottom line is the same: Who are you in Christ? This foundation will enable you to do greater things that He has planned and prepared for you to do.

So I believe, for CPC YAYA, myself included, what lies ahead is finding out who you are in Christ. Solidifying that knowledge, believe that YOU ARE WHAT HE SAYS YOU ARE! And after finding it out you have to live like you believe it. And from there, let God place a burden within you that you may identify a calling truly uniquely yours and live out that calling to the glory of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.