Information Overload

"Its the glory of God to conceal a matter, But the glory of kings is to search out a matter" Proverbs 25:2

Today I had too much at one go. At least I am satisfied with all the information I have, but what I am struggling with is, what is next?

So it happened that my best buddy's girlfriend was looking for a lunch partner and I happened to be free. We went for lunch together and we just started talking about stuffs in college and life. We are good friends cause we hangout a lot and as we talked, our topic hit something that I was dying to know all these while.

We hit the topic about her and my buddy being together and the ex... the ex that I am now interested in. As a friend she gave me warnings and told me like how she was then. I know this is a very one sided story, but I was neither shocked or surprised. It was just a confirmation of what I have been thinking about.

Its a long story, but I think I would just type some of my thoughts here. I finally understood why she needed space. She isnt one who is like this actually. After the break up she had to learn to be independent and space is something she is learning to have. I can see how important relationships (not just those BGRs) are to her. She values them a lot. I also understood why she says that she is a tomboy, evil person, yada yada, cause past experiences has haunted her mind and the greatest reason why she said that she is single but unavailable and that she is unavailable even if there is no guy chasing her.

Her heart has been taken.

So basically, today or last night, the reason why I am still up typing this at this hour is because I hung out with her and my housemate and her 'mummy' (who is a guy actually) from 8:45pm till 2am. We were just chilling and talking. I must say that after observing her I might not like her as I used to. But there is this lingering feeling I have for her.

I dont wanna be a rebound (if she ever) guy yet I do wanna have a go with her. There is something special about her that I just cant place.

But more importantly I had a good conversation with DADDY. I realise that He is answering my cry. I have been on an emotional swing the last few days, not knowing what to do. (I realise that one thing that would kill me the most is not knowing what I need to know. There are somethings that I really need to know.) He allowed me to know the story and observe it for myself. Am I willing to train a princess from a place/state like that?

Actually I dont even know how to begin with her. I feel incompetent to even help her when she needs help. I am her junior and I need her help more than she needs mine. Plus she is older and I wonder if in the future, who would be bring bread to the table. Well, that is not important for now, but its a good consideration.

Why DADDY keeps saying to guard my heart. Imagine I progressed with her, I might not even know if I am he rebound guy or not. If He doesnt let me consider and fight and discuss with Him about her, I might not even be serious at the end of the day and I end up hurting her and myself. I've learned today that taking things slow has its benefits and 1 week, 2 weeks aint slow man. Somethings like this may need up to a month or more.

Somehow I realised that girls I like are mostly independent when they are single. But once they are in a relationship, they become a dependent sticky pot. Not a bad thing but I need my freedom and I need an independent girl. I really hope that this girl has learned to be independent, regardless of being in a relationship or not. And I might have to wait it out for her to be ready to move on and not just be in a relationship to forget or for rebound.

Well, I am more emotionally stable now cause I know that I have many factors to consider. I might deliberate more now and talk to DADDY about it more to get His insights. He surely knows best and I love Him so very much and I wanna thank Him for all that He has done for me. Thank You DADDY!

You're a simple girl...

I'm a simple boy too. Your tiny little actions and reactions and responses makes me happy too. I am now happy. Thank you Dad, Love You much!

He hears your cry

You know I was feeling bored. And yes, thoughts were creeping into my mind. And then just before I could think any further, I got invited to join a gig. Maybe, now gig-ing to me is a big thing cause I'm not that good but good enough sometimes, esp when you are desperate.

God hears your cry. In this case, mine cause I was bored and Minghan's cause he needed a replacement cajon player. This is a good place for me to link up and maybe network for gigs. I mean this maybe the motivation to be better and the reason to practice more.(This maybe the relationship I was looking for to help me enjoy practicing :D )

I am currently so happy with my results, 87 for theory. 88 for performance. 99 for acoustics. Mega happy now man. If only my practical skill level is also that high, haiz. I know I am an emotional roller-coaster.

I dont know where my life and all will end up to be. That dream of working in church or in studios or traveling round leading worship seems a little too unattractive. I wanna to gig with mad players of Jazz/Fusion/Funk but I am too lazy to practice. I really wonder what is God's idea of putting me in a music school for. I am a little confused...

I was made this way

I like to have a relationship with people. Knowing them, pampering them, giving them the best I can, in short, I like to bless others. But I know I am very bad at protecting one. If the relationship turn a little sour, I would not know how best to prevent it from worsening. At best I usually keep quiet and keep a distance. However, if the person decides to make up with me I would usually be easily warmed up again into what the relationship used to be. (that being said, I am not saying that I am always right and that people have to make up with me cause they were at fault. The fact is that I dont know how to start again to make good what turned bad. I dont know what to do cause I am not sure if my approach will worsen the situation. In this sense I am not very wise on what to do next. And often, after a long cold period, I would not be proactive in that person's life anymore.)

By now I and most of my like minded close friends would have realised that God is very relational too. He loves nothing more than being with you. He too like to know you more (not that He doesnt already), pamper you and give you the best He can give (which really is everything you can ever possibly think of!) But what He does best is loving you till you cant say no. And not knowing to me before, I was brought up and taught this unconsciously.

I love and I love with a passion. Guitars, drums, bass, music. I do a lot of research and arm myself with knowledge of that matter. I wanna know what makes it happen and all these back end knowledge is very important to me. Practical skills are important to me as well, but I am too lazy, somehow I cant find a love or a relation to get it going all the time yet. I need to find a way to do it. Perhaps things like these are too individualistic and I dont like it. I need to be around people.

Me, being me, loves with a passion mean I like to know a person I am interested in more. From what she likes to what she doesnt like. From what makes her happy and what makes her sad. Everything. I would find out what makes her tickle and what makes her tick. That's me. And I would pamper and give all that I can to the best of what I have to bless her.

Somehow, that scares girls. I dont know if any girl out there is reading this, perhaps you can shed some light on this to help me. But I am beginning to realise that God is not a lover in a rush. He is what I said above, pampering and all that, but He is never in a hurry. I think that is why He told me to guard my heart. Not that I shouldnt fall in love, but to watch how I fall. Keep that heart guarded so that I can hear Him and follow and not let my heart and mind wonder to nowhere and jeopardize the relationship.

This desire to be in a relationship has always been there. And now I am learning how to be a lover. There are times to be there and time to be away. If you are important to the person, she'll come back to you. I am saying this even though I hate it so much. I hate it cause what if you are not important? Then you'll be away till kingdom come?

I've never been so "gone" in awhile. Back awhile ago I managed to guard my heart and set my eyes on my studies. In just one short week I lost it all and almost went crazy emotionally. Thanks to Ms Pinyi that I remain sane. This time it was a combination of how I was in love with V and how I was with G. Now its like stalemate. Bad timing and I dont know what else. Giving her the space and time that she needs to complete her work first.

As for me? Hoping for the best. That is what Faith is about, in a God who loves me the most and in the bestest best way. This is my new season, from knowing the Father's love to knowing how to be a son and now knowing how to be a lover. Its true that we are Human Be-ings. We be-come like He who made us in His image :D

P is for...

PARAMORE! Yes, last night I was at PARAMORE's concert. Well, not technically last night since its 1:20am now... I was at PARAMORE LIVE IN KL, Bukit Jalil Stadium, 19 Oct. I have a photo with Hayley Williams (YAY!) and a autographed poster, which I have actually given it away. (ask me if you wanna know any great story that happened man :D)

The show was mind blowing. The crowd/fans were sooooo good, Paramore were very entertaining and I must say that the overall experience was fantastic, because I was there with someone who made it all special.

The next P is for Prophetic. This week I saw a level of prophesy I have never really seen before. Things that I say not quite consciously came to pass. As in I was kinda like half joking, half I might actually do it if it happens kind of remarks. And things just happened.

The last P is Power. "and you shall see my Power over this land that I have given you" This was the line I heard when I was about to type the last P. I didnt know what to say, but yea, this just came.

I say that I have been so blessed, protected, loved, grace given, favoured that nothing seems impossible to me anymore. Last week or two ago, when I said I wanted to live a life that is miracles filled is starting to happen now. My fuel has never run out to the point that the car dies, even when I am desperately late and running to get somewhere fast. He always provide me with a petrol station. I see the amount of favour in my life that I now I shouldnt be afraid of doing anything crazy out of obedience.

2 weeks ago, I injured my wrist while moving things for my school's show. Uncle Hock Seng asked that weekend in house church if anyone needed a prayer for healing. Well I didnt say anything but I told God that I wanted to help push for this culture of supernatural working in this natural. To see faith in this church like never before. So I told Him, heal my wrist so that I can testify for Him. Within that week, my wrist was healed. That same week, I was about to fall sick with flu. I took more vitamins and prayed that it will clear and the Faithful One healed me.

As much as I used logic and sense to take care or take better care of myself, I would not push aside the miraculous power that God has in my life. I believe that I was healed because He could just let it be and my illness would have been worse.

I would have more to say, if only I had blogged last week, but man, I was so busy with the Tribute to ABBA and Queen (which was a blast by the way) that I didnt have the time to do so.

My point is that God's power is now living in my life. I may not be as religious (or disciplined in the sense of religiosity,) but God isnt worried about the form. He looks at the core of the heart, the matter of things, the thoughts in the head and not the surface level of things that man can see. He is teaching me not to judge with my human eyes. I need to see with the lens of God, to know the heart of the matter. This is one of my biggest problem now. I see only the problems and not the heart of the matter or the man in this case. I believe that behaviour reflects what going on deep within, but He is also telling and teaching me that behaviour is not a fair judgment of a person's character. Though it does show the symptoms if any problems are arising but its not a point for judgment. It is, however, a great testimony and a very powerful one in fact when behaviour is able to show the glory of God. That is one of my next goals. and a belief that I hold strong to.

I feel really blessed at the moment, I've found someone to love. Though she is friendly, but I'm not sure if she is interested as yet... I am still getting to know her. I just did an open mic performance at Mosaic Community Studios and the audiences were so kind to Clinton and I even though it was really so last minute and so lacking in practice. I dont know why but I am so peaceful now typing this. I think its because Jesus is next to me now and He is just smiling and chilling with me. Leaving all the hectic things behind and being in this moment of realisation is just an awesome feeling. The weight of Glory can be felt and I am just being still now. (Live update)

Im just sitting still here, paralysed by the awesomeness of His presence and at peace. I am going to stop now to talk to Him.

Life of Miracles

I used to be a skeptic. If a miracle happened, I would like to find logical or scientific explanations first before even acknowledging that God could have put it all together out of coincidence or what not.

After I believed that Miracles can happen, I only believed that it should happen one at a time.

This experience with God and the promise I made to Him changed all these false beliefs radically.

Yes, for 2 years I have been exposed to the life of a supernatural disciple and I have experience supernatural grace, favour and provisions in my life. But due to the lack in seeing physical healing, my doubts and unbelief in regards to instant miracles started to creep in.

Friday after school, I arranged for my car to be sent to the workshop for repainting works and servicing. I left school at 5:30pm as I expected a jam and I had to be at the workshop by 6:30pm. I decided to use my iPhone maps since the last time I used it I managed to get to my destination.

This time round it decided to fail me. Firstly, getting there in a jam caused me to be a little late, so I prayed that the lady would have a customer and work late. Out of courtesy I called to inform her and she said that she is going to extend her opening hours by 30min. I thought thank God, now I have more time to get there.

Next, my fuel was running low.It was slightly above the red mark when I left, now it was in the red zone. I didnt see any Shell station on my way and I didnt want to waste time going to fill the car so I prayed that the petrol will never run out, at least not while I'm driving to the workshop. At 7pm the lady called me again and I told her that I was caught in a jam and I had missed the turn. That was when I started to panic.

One was that I was running late, two, I dont have much fuel left in my tank, three, I was rather far off the direction the GPS was giving me, four, I wasnt even sure if the GPS knew where I wanted to go exactly and lastly, because I was using the GPS on my phone all the way, the battery dropped from 70% to 6%.

Out of desperation I prayed that God, today shall be the day I see miracles happen in my life. Not one a day or a week, but all the time, any time. Miracles will happen because You are Love and out of Love You make all things good for those who love you. I wanna see you at work all the time. And I promise to share about this/blog about this if I get out of this perfectly fine.

That was when I made the right turn and came to a point where my GPS couldn't tell me what's next. Instinctively I made a right turn and I saw a rather familiar place and decided to turn in. Guess what? I was spot on that place I was looking for and the kind lady was waiting for me.

I cant express how joyful and thankful I was. Living in a life under so much grace produces miracles. Yea, small ones but still miracles no doubt. And I wanna press on and press into this new belief system that grace, faith and love produces miracles.

Last week was a hell-ish week: ICA2+Tribute+Friday Performance. I was in school from 8:30am till 9pm everyday. It was tiring, but somehow rather fun.

Last week I also read Exodus 1-4 as that was what my cell was doing and I found this very interesting...

I'm sure that you all know the story of Moses, how he was saved from being put to death and how he was raised in the Palace of Pharaoh. This is a boy who lived and grew up as the Prince of Egypt. What I found contradicting was that when he ran away after killing an Egyptian and was wandering for a long time, God met him in the burning bush and after showing him 2 more miracles, God asked him to speak to Pharaoh to let His people go and Moses response was this, I am not eloquent enough and am slow of speech and tongue.

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE FOR A PRINCE?!

One: You were trained in the Palace, the number 1 place for education and to learn the language and all that. Your tutors were the best in the kingdom. How can you not be eloquent and say that you are slow in speech and tongue?!

Two: Being able to talk to God face to face is less scary than talking to Pharaoh who is merely a man?!

Three: How could anyone, after meeting God not feel encouraged or emboldened to speak to Pharaoh? Even after the two miracles that He has shown you, plus also the bush that was burning yet not consumed?!

This man who was raised as royalty, had seen miracles, spoke to God, heard His voice, was more convinced in his own inabilities than God's abilities. No wonder God's anger was kindled against him.

This story reminded me about how besides knowing one's identity, we also need to remind ourselves who God is. We can keep telling ourselves that we are prince and princesses, others can remind us of who we are, but the true power isnt just knowing who we are, but also operating under the right authority. If I know that I am a prince but I think that I have no authority, then I will be powerless. But I know my identity and I know who validates me and authorize me, then I can live a life of power.

Apart from all these, matters of hearts are highly fragile. Knowing what you want is very important, dont go round hurting other while you are figuring out what you want. And a promise is a promise, He will see it through, you can discern what is right or not in your heart. This is a reminder to myself... A very very STERN reminder.