Drown me in...

I clicked on my bookmark it loaded: http://-tomato.blogspot.com/

I wonder if its instinct or habit or I'm missing her or what? I just wonder what am I doing man.

I heard a song, and it maybe me felt like I knew what I was born to do. I wanna be drowned in music. I wanna be embraced by it. Carried away by it. Swept away by it. But I wonder if I still can do it. Daddy told me I might have to work after NS before I can go and study Audio Engineering in Aussieland.

Drown me in God, Music, "You". I can live like this. I breathe God, Music, "You". I can survive like that. I wanna wake up to "You", God, Music. That is how I wish for my day to start. I have God, I have music, I'm missing "You". Where are "You"? I thought I've found "You". But I guess "You" were not meant to be. Maybe I'll substitute "You" with a certain "Her" till "You" comes along.

I dont know. Life goes on I guess.

Weird Feelings

You only miss something when its gone... Like School. You miss school only when its over. And when you're in school, you wished it would be over soon. It applies to people too. You'll only miss the person when he/she is gone. In anyway, relative to the past on the time spent with the person. But I'm not sure when you are with the person, you wished time would pass faster.

In the same way, I think I can be both happy and sad at the same time. I think life at this moment, now, is rather good. I'm enjoying it. But I wonder what am I missing in life. I suddenly cant put feelings into words. I'm quite lost for words. Maybe I know the reason, I'm just suppressing the thought. Maybe that is why I'm feeling this way, but I just dont want to admit.

I'm emotionally wrecked now. I'm just not thinking straight, not being rational. I wished I could drink it away, but I have to work tomorrow. Alcohol isn't going to make things better now. I wish I had a remedy to this. Life's good but its kinda fucked too.

Supper!

I'm feeling happy now. I just went to have supper with my folks. They are in a good mood today and Daddy brought us to a new place to makan. I dont know what is really wrong, but ever since I become close to her again, I've been eating fishball noodles and bah chor mee quite often enough. Its quite funny huh?

Ok, this place that we went to is at Block 1 Aljunied Road. The fishball noodles is damn good. As least to my dad and I. Mummy said it was fine. But dad and I loved it. The fishball is chewy and flavourful, they have the fish cake type of fishball, sliced fried fish cake and the fish jiao ( the one that looks like a wanton). The noodles is damn shoik. He gives alot of 'you chang' and the noodle is really DRY. DRY. as in no gravy flowing around. The gravy (chilli sauce or tomato sauce or just plain) is well mixed into the noodles. Thus the noodle taste damn good. I'm so going back there again, with whoever who has a vehicle or when daddy lets me DRIVE =>

Work is good. Today we were all quite cranky and started talking rubbish and just laughing away. I think they'll be quite a cool bunch of people to hangout with seriously. I hope we can maintain contact after this job.

I'm satisfied. I had yummy noodles, a bottle of green tea and full supply of my favourite sweet: Fisherman Friends!

"life is good now, I just want to share it with someone like you..."

Special Sunday

“For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”

That is why she is getting baptised tomorrow. That is why she is taking this step of Faith. That is why she endured weeks of baptism classes.

I'm very happy for her. Tomorrow Heaven will be joyous. There will be feasting and celebration.

As for me? Its back to work tomorrow. The book fair is rather quiet these few days. We are suspecting the quietness due to the food fair that is at EXPO. Or maybe its the Great Singapore Sale that is taking everyone away from fairs to shopping centres.

My colleagues are nice peeps. They are very fun people to work with too! We crack jokes while we work, people watch comment on things, just being quite rubbish. Its like at these kind of place where there is long working hours and you are basically seeing each other all the time, you tend to talk to one another like long time friends. Or maybe I'm too extrovert and too easy going. I make friends easily. Even the booth opposite ours I'm made a few friends there too. Ok, maybe its just me.

Its rather late now and I have to wake up early to cover someone's week of service and go to work tomorrow. GOSH! I need God, I need your super human strength to survive tomorrow. I'm going to sleep now.

Temasek Polytechnic : Hogwarts School of Magic

Now that I look at the pictures again, I reassure myself that TP on Graduation Day really looked like Hogwarts School of Magic. All of us were in Graduation gowns that looked like wizard robe in Harry Potter. I think Its quite funny, but its kinda cool too. I've quite liked JK Rowling's Harry Potter series and suddenly feeling quite like a wizard was really fun :) Its like letting my imagination run wild. How I wish just for once, I could be part of Rowling's Story.

School Sick?

I miss TP all of the sudden. I really miss the atmosphere that was in school while I was there. I must admit that when I went back to school for the graduation gown, the atmosphere was different. Maybe cause the familiar faces that I used to see are not around anymore. But on graduation day yesterday, I felt really school sick. Those faces, pretty, handsome, normal or ugly faces I probably wont get to see again. No more people watching in TP.

Come to think about it, its the insubstantial friendships that I have made. Its like I know many groups of friends, but most of them are really insubstantial. They wouldn't really call me out for an outing cause though I maybe close to one of them in the whole group, I'm never really part of the group. My group used to be the WOW peeps, but now, its just more or less Nick and Sas.

After so many nights of insomnia, last night was my best night of sleep. I slept really really well. Had a pleasant dream too, which I cant recall now. The secret to a goodnight rest is talking to her. Yup, I'm holding no more to the hope for me to be with her. But just be able to chat with her is really good for my soul. It just simply makes me human.

I dont know why I'm sill reacting this way, but I seriously dont like her boyfriend. It like though I dont like her best friend, who hates me to he core, I still can endure her presence no matter how she might make things difficult for me. But for him, he doesn't need to do anything, I just dont like his presence. Weird? yup I thought so too. Though I've known him for quite sometime, I feel that he isnt like who he used to be. Maybe I'm the one who have changed, in terms of my perspective towards him.

i miss school,
i miss you,
i miss part of my life.

Graduation...

Yup that's tomorrow. I miss school all of a sudden. I miss being busy. Doing things with my poly-mates is really a very enjoyable thing. I miss attachment. The peeps from IBM. I miss lunching and tea-breaking with them. They are really a cool bunch of people.

I miss the atmosphere of being in the busiest canteen of TP. I miss people watching in TP. I dont really miss playing wow in sch, but I miss the people that make my 3 years in TP somewhat memorable.

After tomorrow its like a new phase in life. In 5 months time I would be enlisted and trained to be a soldier, a man. Well, so they say. I wish I could skip this phase of life and be able to study in SAE now. I wanna be a musician, a sound engineer. I wanna always be able to hang out with my buddies from school. Study together, grow up together, see their girlfriends/boyfriends, see them getting married and setting up families.

I dont know after tomorrow how I can be in touch with them anymore, or impact their lives. Everytime they tried to jio me out, I have a clashing appointment with church peeps or something else. I pray that Lord, maybe through music I can do something. I can affect them someway.

Life is boring at the moment. Cant find a job that would last me for 4 months, no activities to keep me occupied. Everyone seems to be busy with something. I cant keep hogging her, she got a life and a boyfriend to attend to. Lord, what do you want me to do?

Someone come and keep me occupied please?

Superhero...

After watching the TV premiere of Spiderman 2, I kinda have a weird thought. Somehow I think I'm just like Peter Parker. I'm trying to save the world for you. Its hard to be with you and you'll always have suitors. Quite similar ya? Oh well. not to the exact point, but along the same line that we can never be together.

I will be as I am. I try not to keep thinking about you. But if you need help from me or anything, I'll be available for you. Anytime for anything. Some words have to be left unsaid, but I cant help missing you can I? I'll try to get over you alright. I'll try.

Someone, please come along. Sing into my heart and be willing to be with me. I guess that is all I ask for. I'm not a Superhero, just an average musician.

Here come an opportunity...

We have finally hit a very very difficult spot in the process of recording. One song has suddenly kinda lost it dynamics. After recording the all the tracks minus electric guit and vox, we felt that the general dynamics is not there. But our producer said, nevermind about that first. We'll see what the electric guitar can do.

I was like, WHAT THE??? me? see what I can do? oh, ok. Maybe its time to shine :D I dont know what magic I can come up with but I'll pray very very hard for inspiration. I hope I get a nice guitar arrangement coming into my head like how I get them for drums. The groove would just come in on its own.

I pray that after doing all these, my head and ego and all wont swell. I really hope this is the start of something big and something great. I hope to really be used by God this way. Not for my own glory but for HIS. This is my passion and my joy. And I think I have gotten the right idea about doing recordings. Be it worship or not, the emotions MUST be captured. That is one standard I will take for doing my recording work. If I dont feel the emotions or the passion, I would tell them that this is not a good take. PERIOD.

i wanna do it for you lord

Like all things else...

After so many late nights, I finally got one night that is free. I decided then to finish up the bottle of wine that I have opened a few nights ago.

Too many nights in the refrigerator has caused the wine to turn bad. Not bad as in vinegar, but bad as in the wine has been left opened for too long. The balance of alcohol and grape is now uneven. What a waste. This is a good bottle of wine, but due to my busy schedules, I didnt manage to finish it in time when it was at its peak.

Sometimes I feel love and life is like that too. Too many night left unresolved or left to disappear on its own wont work. It'll turn bad sometimes. I dont know, maybe for relationships it wont happen this way. I wonder what I want out of life. I feel a bit lifeless. I'm not good in anything. Gosh. What can I do? I just want to love someone and be loved back in return.

Saw someone online today. I had a weird feeling. I think I better not care. Kinda awkward to say anything. Besides, its a close friend's ex. I dont want to walk in someone elses steps. I think I should just sleep. Too much alcohol. Need to wake up early. I'm gonna get a splitting headache tomorrow.

is it you? is it you?
who is it? i just want someone to love,
and be loved back in return.
Love NOT sex.

Sound Engineer

I realised that if I were to be a sound engineer. I need a girl who loves me very very very much. After so many days of recordings, I finally felt the fatigue. The girl have to be really understanding and be the woman behind your back. Taking care of your meals and health as you help other do recordings. Its like a scientist. He doesnt know his days and nights. Hours spent in the studio, day in day out.

Ryan did 7 tracks in one afternoon and half a night session. GOSH! He did everything in one go. I bet he must be damn tired. Plus he left to attend a best friend's grandmother's wake and came back to the studio again. He is definitely super tired.

We did vocal tracks today. Still no electric guitar tracks yet. Maybe I wont get to do my parts as we are quite tight on time now. *Shrugs* Ryan will decide what is best for us.

I'm really getting excited being a sound engineer. Its tiring no doubt, but it really excites me. I was entertained today by my bestie when I was super tired :) its nice to have her around man. I was tired cause I have not taken a break or dinner yet and it was about 8.30pm. I was really getting damn tired. Too much concentration power being taken up.

I'll work my way somewhere Like Chief Sound Engineer of the Esplanade or Executive Producer with SONY BMG. Somewhere along that line. I wanna be a sound engineer, producer, arranger, musician, songwriter, worship leader. I think I'll really love my job alot. Well, not as much as my wife though ;P

After recording I came back home. Nick was playing mahjong with the gang and when I walked passed he ask if I wanna take over his place, I was like sure, why not. Guess what, from $29 I won till I had $41. I just kept winning. Pong Pong Hu for 3-4 rounds, mostly 3-5 fan. DAMN SONG AR!!! It feels damn good winning. Ahhh, SHUANG! I love playing Mahjong :)

Taylor Guitars

If you think hearing a Taylor Guitar is it, meaning its the best thing you have heard, I must say it isnt. Today I truly heard what professionals do with sound. The Taylor Guitar is made to have vibrations from the strings be projected from the guitar body, as well as from the hollow that all guitars have.

The way a Taylor is made is a trade secret. But we all know that the clarity of tone that is produced is THE best that one can ever hear. The fret board is so well made that strings even at gauge 12 is playable.

So our producer brought his Taylor for us to use for recording. His was just a normal Taylor 414 series but like all musicians who are crazy about sound, he added a pick up which cost about SGD$400. I have played a Taylor 414ce before, so I thought that its nothing new to me. The tone's the same, everything else is too.

When the guitar was setup in the studio and a sound check was being done did I realised my lack of knowledge in understanding sound. The pick up in the Taylor is considered to be damn good already. Plus the the guitar is looped into a preamp. I dont know how to spell the brand of the preamp now but it cost SGD$10,000. I'm amazed at what the preamp does. It makes the instrument sound fatter and in your face :) meaning that it feels as if the instrument is right infront of you. Damn nice I tell you. If you hear it from the CD its probably well mixed in already. But from the studio, just the guitar alone, the sweetness of the guitar is amplified. Crisp, clean and bright. Love it absolutely. Ryan played well too la, must give credit to him.

I'm damn inspired now to have my own studio, but till then, I hope I can work closely with the people at SoundAdvice.

This kinda life

Just came back from hanging out with the gang. Well the gang has changed a little bit. No longer an all guys thing cause nick has a new girl and girls travel in packs. So yea, still the same old guys just fewer of them with nick's girl(Ruth) and Tracy(Peirce Sec).

Its fun hanging out with them. Staying in the studio the whole day for too long can make one go insane. True that the company there is cool too. But you need to hang out with your best buds. Nick is my best bud. When I ask him for an ipod USB cable since he got a new ipod, he offered me the new cable though he could have just given me the old one. Nice guy nick. No other in the world can I find another like that. Everyone has their short comings, but I have no regrets having a best bud like nick.

Yes, though I'm now even more tired than the previous post, I'm satisfied. Having fulfill the social void which I have been having for sometime. These friends of mine, I really wish I can bring them to Christ. I dont know how, but I guess, being different would help. Really standing out from the rest of the world.

I pray that Lord they would come to know you one day, till then, keep out friendship close and solid. I really treasure them. These are the kinda friends I want my girl to meet. I think the word to use is "si dang" (paiseh my chinese sucks). They dont wear a mask, everyone just being themselves having fun in each other's company. This kinda life is PRICELESS.

Ok, I think I better sleep soon. Tomorrow is another long day at the studio and I think I might be doing some recording of the Electric guitar. Ciao.

i really want the girl in your will now lord,
though i rather it be given in your time...

drained

Yes, I'm DRAINED.

Mentally
Emotionally
Physically

Recording is a tiring business. No wonder they smoke and drink. But for me, I rely on Christ.

What's that?

yup, its the weird feeling again. That kind that makes my stomach have butterflies and uneasy feeling. I know she is the one that makes me feel this way. I'm trying to get out of it. Gosh. Life is hard. I guess I'm in my lowest point of life now. Recording is on tomorrow morn. I think I better sleep early tonight.

Hardy 2004 - Cabernet Sauvignon

I just had a glass of this wine. Perfectly harvested. Its a full body red with pleasantly flowery flavour. It has a sweet after taste. This is really a good wine. I'm going to have another glass tomorrow night after letting it breathe a little more. Cheers to Cindy and Pengfong for this wine.

Hear and Obey...

I have learnt many things in these few months.

1: It takes a broken man to serve the great God. When you are utterly broken and left with no hope in yourself, the Lord will use you to show that in Him, all greatness would come. So that man cannot boast in his own strength but give glory to the Father above who possess all things.

2: Obey and you will live well in the Lord. I decided to really obey. That includes being nice to someone I hate. CRAP man. But obey the Lord says, if you wanna leave long and well in the land that I'm giving you. AND yes, His promise it true. Right after service, I got my reward, a small tiny bit of it :)

3: Dont worry and pray with the right attitude. With that, you serve God with His full anointing. and I remember also that my gan ma mention this speaker who's testimony is that a life partner is very important. God would do all things possible so that a man who is after His very own heart would choose the right life partner and gain full anointing of the Lord because he is obedient. Oh well, if the Lord is that detailed(which I think He is) then I better seek Him really clear before breaking this fragile heart of mine again.

well there are other stuffs too that I have learnt, just cant really like list them all here now. Sunday still suck, though not as much. Look away, look far, look to the Lord. My day would come... it will.

I still want a singaporean chinese wife, brought up in an english speaking family but able to speak dialect. Character like glenda's and as pretty. Interested applicant please sent me an email. ;P

to God be the Glory!

Fairytale...

I'm just wondering if my life could be like a fairytale. Or a romance movie. With all that is lost now, I'll leave and go away. 3 years later when I'm back, I wonder would she be available for me...

i wish something like that would happen...

If this is possible?

can your best friend be he one you love the most? can your best friend be with someone you hate? can the one you love the most be with someone who isnt better than you?

can all these be true?

how would you related to her? how can you take each stabbing truth? can I cope with the emotional hurt? can I live like this throughout this lifetime?

Its like you enjoy talking to her, but hearing of life events that she share with that guy, can you feel not affected? can you look at it, pretending you didnt hear it so that you wont feel hurt and angry?

I guess its really very hard to forget a first love. When its really very much love at first sight. The Chemistry that exist between the two person. The standard that every other girl is being measured by. I can imagine myself going out with someone else but when she isnt exactly like her, I would just walk away cause I know I can never be happy with her.

Its like I dont know to behave as a human. If I were to have a gathering, I would invite her and that guy's brother cause his brother is really nice to me. I wont have him around to spoil my day. But when it come to events that concern her would be my most hurtful time. She would want me there and he would definitely be there too. Everyone present would know that they are together and probably make them do something couples do like kiss her or something.

Do I apologise for my absence and make her up set? or do I just absorb all the hurts and pain? I probably would do the latter and when everything is over drink myself to sleep. Life is so hard. I'm being so tortured. Like a cancer patient being tormented by the virus in the body, I'm tormented by love. Being love sick is not fun at all. Looking at her walk away with another guy is enough to bring suicide into my head.

I guess that is for me to be an outstanding musician. To be so utterly hurt and torn apart so that I can write sad melodies and lyrics that the world out there can relate to and gain comfort in knowing that there are others out there in the same situation.

I really dont know how my future in terms of relationship would be like. My future for career is more or less settled. I know what I wanna become. but will I be successful and have a woman behind my back or be an average single guy living day to day.

In Jay Chou's song, I'm really stranded. I can feel the loneliness that has been isolated at the side for me. Laughing at the promises I cant afford to give. He is really a man who has probably been through life really harshly. Being walked out on by a girl he loved. His songs have exactly articulate my feelings. One day I really wanna look back at all these and hopefully answer my questions that are here.

why him? why?
i wonder if you knew how much i loved you?
i wonder if you still have any love for me?

so its Friday again and there is BAG. Well, I was worried that this would be like Sundays. A day that would hurt me bad. But today was fine. I mean seeing them makes me really very very uncomfortable but its not a constant pain. Its like really unsightly to me. Its quite weird if you ask me. One is an eye candy, the other, just an eye sore. So what would I do? look at them or not? Well I try to look at her, if I got irritated with my view I just looked away.

I think things between them are back to normal. She loves him and he loves her. They are back as one. But are things really normal all around? I think the only one not is me. Well, I'm not back to my old self neither am I someone different. I think I'm really clear that as long as she is happy with him. I got nothing else to say. I'll give her my blessings.

I'm kinda taking the impact well. I think. Of course it hurts and all. Feeling shitty and all. sigh. Like right now, its kinda weird that not only my heart is not feeling well, my tummy isnt too. I have gone to the toilet 3 times since I had dinner. Its lose stools and I'm worried I might fall sick. When the heart is in trouble, the whole body malfunctions I guess.

I really dont know. I think so as long as I dont see him I'm fine. I'm ok with you. Feelings for you are controllable. I just hate him to the core. still I dont know why I get angry seeing him but I just do. Yea, maybe cause I'm childish. I cant wait for my future, I know its going to be fine.

its just with or without you...

I cant sleep...

I dont know what's wrong, but I just cant sleep. I'm thinking of you. Its the kind when you miss someone. Wanting to know what he/she is doing. Just wanting to talk to the person. What should I do? what should I do? I dare not call to disturb you. I'm afraid you're sleeping. Oh crap. I'm not having enough sleep...

i need you...
or at least someone like you...

I'm sorry....

I know I made her pissed. reading her blog makes me feel weird now. Its not that I dont know what I want. I just dont know what to feel and how to react. I'm sorry. I really didnt want to make you angry or anything. I was unsure of my feelings. I know what I want. I wanna be with you. But now the situation is making me react faster than I can think. I'm sorry. I'm a jerk.

I thought about it after my recording. I rather have you as a friend. Its fun being with you.

I dont know what else to say to you, except sorry. I promise I'll not be like that again. I didnt want to make you angry. I guess sometimes we clash. Times when I dont know how you're feeling or what you're thinking about and vice versa we step on each other's toes.

I'm confused as to how to react to you. Forgive me, I'll find a way to react as appropriately as possible. Right now... I dont even know me. I need someone out there. I need you.

Recording: Day Two

today was fine. but yesterday was better. Derrick(drummer) wasn't feeling well today and we had to do quite a number of takes for the drum tracks. so the first 4 hours of the day we did 3 drums tracks. not really a good thing, but thank God that most drum tracks were settled yesterday and so we had buffer time to settle these other stuffs today.

We tried doing bass tracks today too but our poor bassist (kit ling) has gotten a blister on his fingers and he cant really do the bass well, so we decided to do keys.

Andrew is really very funny. He plays better when he sings and his tracks are never the same. The song and the chords are all the same but he can play different fills in all the tracks that he does. Some are amazing good and some are just ok.

We cleared our guide tracks today too. Tiffany (female vox) was also here to do her vox for the guide tracks. Ok, initially I thought that she might not fit our band. But to my surprise, we do have one song that fit her vocals perfectly. It was sweet. Very very nice. Well since after tracking the guide tracks I was free to do my own stuff, Tiffany and I sat at the lounge area and chit chatted. she's cool and we have similar interests here and there and is also very coincidental that she lives just a street away from my place.

That's about it for the recordings. Next week I gotta get my tracks down. Its scary I tell you. I pray I'll do fine.

Recording: Day one

I had only about 4 hours of sleep last night, or rather 4 hours of disturbed sleep. So its kinda like really not enough sleep at all. I woke up at 7.30ish in the morn to travel to the studio. I reached the studio at about 10.30am. That is how far away the studio is. So we were there and we started tweaking the drum. GOSH 10 mics, all individual tracking. Snare top and bottom are included, bass drum front and back skin are in too. THIS IS THE COOLEST ATTENTION GIVEN TO A DRUM I'VE EVER KNOWN!!! oh well this is the first time I've been to a recording studio too anyway, so I must say that its really really really cool!

Some things I've learnt:

1) Drum recording cannot be redone half way. Meaning patch in like other instruments when there is a mistake. If there is a screw up, the whole thing is to be redone. So a drummer must be discipline to be consistent and play well throughout.

2) The tone of a mix can be caused by ambiance mics. Eg, mics used to pick up the cymbals. These may cause the sound of the tom to weird.

3) Drums can be panned. Meaning that you can hear the drums left to right. I'm serious. If you roll from left to right, the speaker should output the same way too. Same goes for the cymbals. If the ride is on the right, it should come out of the right speaker. If the crash is in the left it should come out of the left speakers. That is how cool recording is. a well panned drum set up is very nice. when the drummer roll you can feel the motion in which he is moving. superb!

This has been a very fun day. The company is super crazy la. We talked cock when doing lighter stuffs, but when its time to be serious we are serious. Our engineers are cool peeps. We got a super pro producer. What more can we ask for man. For me, maybe a girl to share the Joy with ;P

Recording is super tiring too, even if you're not the one tracking. Maybe cause today we are settling the guide tracks so its a little more tiring than usual. The hours are super long and we are standing most of the time. But our drummer rocks man. His tracking is so good that most of the time we clear it under 4takes. Thanks to him we are ahead of schedule. That means that other instruments can have more time to track. Less stressful on the rest then.

I now know the difference between a 500bucks Elect Guitar and a 1000bucks Elect Guitar. The clarity of tone is like a big big big difference. Its addictive playing a good instrument. I'm hooked man. My guitar wont satisfy me soon.

Thank God for today. Its been VERY VERY good. All praise and glory be unto HIM.

I suddenly thought of my best buddy, nick's, msn nick. It says, " it isnt hard loving you cause you're beautiful." Man that is so true la. If the person is beautiful it isnt hard loving him/her ya? No wonder we are best buds, we think the same way. For me, eyes that can speak is very attractive. dimples are a plus point. nice facial expressions are quite a must too. probably that is why it isnt hard loving you. You are just so beautiful :)

Its late, and I'm tired. Tomorrow recording day two continues. I hope this album would be super nice. And I really pray that we remember who we are doing this for and not lose the focus.

Words dont come out right...

said the wrong stuffs and words dont come out right. Everything that I say to you is like half truths. One half of me wanna be nice and still be in love with you. The other half wants to numb the feelings and say things that are indifferent.

When the conversation started, I was the latter. I said things that were indifferent. I said stuffs that werent the usual nice words. I wasnt the sweet guy. but I was happy you called. And when you started whining, my weaker half overcame the indifferent me. Especially when you said, " You sound different. This isnt the way you used to talk to me."

My dear girl, you want me to be nice to you, making myself believe that you'll one day be with me. You want me to be happy in an illusion that you and I will be together. But when I ask you to break up with him you say you cant. the situation wont allow, you cant forget him, you've been through so much with him already. Backing up with the fact that God says no. I accept all these. I fully understand. I know you're afraid of losing the friendship with me, but we have gone too far to now maintain this at a level of friendship.

You cant be nice to me, cause I'll fall for you deeper, yet I want you to. You understand the dilemma that I'm in dont you? Its like I'm really happy talking to you, but talking to you will like keep this relationship going on. Like you told me you could smell me even though I'm not near you, some signs that you kinda like miss me, but then when I ask you to break up with him, you say you cant. So what am I to do? Be happy and sad at the same time? ok, if you want it like that, I'm fine. but if not, I'm sorry I dont know of any other solution.

You can pick me up throw me down again. I dont mind. You can stab it deeper or pull it out and stab it in again. I also dont mind. All because I have loved you far too much to take in all these. I can feel fucked, I can feel wreaked. I can feel loved, I can feel cared for. I'm what you react to me. I can accept it cause I love you. Its up to you what you wanna do. I'm ok with anything. I've never regretted loving you. Its the best thing that has happened to me.

these words arent a lie,
without you I will die.
the way to stay alive,
is for you to be mine.

-Vin

Initial D

Yea I know its an old show but I thought of watching it again and something in that story struck me. I guess its the fact that sometimes you know the girl that you like, for a short while or for a long time sometimes would hinder the most important decision of your life. And you never know if you would have regretted making the decision not to go because of her.

Like in the show he was meant to be a racer. But I guess he wouldnt have join the team cause its dangerous and he doesnt want her to worry about him all the time.

For me? I dont know if she love me. But that is not important now. I dont want to know. not now at least. But I know that if we were together she would be worried about me studying abroad and that could have affected my decision of studying something I'm really interested about and these I know are God's plans for me. I've prayed about studying in SAE and opportunities opened up for me to know more.

So well, I guess like him, I should just do what I was meant to do. Music.

If you feel that you breathe God and Music and you're looking for someone who would do it a lifetime, you can come to me. But I'm not worried. Alone or with someone God gives me, I'll breathe God and breathe Music. The place is open till someone else fills in. I'll take you back anytime.

i was born for a purpose. i kinda know some of that purpose.
its just with or without you...

No more drinking...

One lesson that I have learnt is that never drink the night before when you have to wake up early the next day. I drank alot last night again and when I woke up at 9am today I had a splitting headache. It was damn bad. Thankfully at practise it went away after praying.

Today's practise is very fruitful. We spent about an hour praying for one another, realigning ourselves with God. Tomorrow would be the start of the RECORDING. damn exciting sia. And I have decided not to drink tonight as I have to wake up early again tomorrow morning and I dont want a freaking splitting headache.

So now, how am I? Once again I've decided to hang on, as in I dont write off the possibilities of us being together, but if it never happen, then its ok. Its in between giving up and hanging on. Well I guess we still can be friends. Sort of best friends where we know each other well enough and all. Hangout with you and your boyfriend now would be impossible. I need time to get over.

I still care about you. I wanna know how are you doing and all. You still can call me to talk, you can ask me out. But I wont initiate any of these. Its like, If you kinda like need me, I'll be here. But otherwise, I'll just live my life. maybe I'll call you when I need a hairdresser :P

Addressing this issue, I really dont like your boyfriend at all. I cant give you a reason why, but I hope you wont force me. Let time and God guide me in my reactions.

I know I have not resolve this issue totally. But I'm letting it go. I dont want it to hinder the current project God has given me. I dont want it to affect me. and if you're wondering if this is the best way. No, its not. But for now, it has to be. You know what is the best way for me. maybe just not now. maybe not ever. But till then I'll be like this.

i love you, but it was the lord who taught me what love is.
my first love is Jesus. you're just part of what he taught.

"But while playing captain's ball, I wanted to be with her, but I never got to. I almost wanted to kill someone. ----> if u gonna kill him, u know i will kill u. no matter who the person is"

I know she loves him more than me. No matter what she do, make me jealous or anything to hurt me I'll still love you and wait for you. My heart can be hurt a million times, wrenched a million times, stabbed a million times. Its not whole anymore, so any further damage wont make a difference. I'm like a living dead. I'm damn sure that if I am ever with another girl, she'll be freaking jealous of you. I'm quite sure that girls have a sixth sense to know if the guy loves them wholeheartedly or not. I cant love her wholeheartedly.

One day I'll get sick of feeling hurt. Or probably so damn hurt that I can look at hurt itself and smile. Or maybe worst still, I need to get hurt to feel humane. I cant get over you no matter what. The only way to do so is that you'll have to kill me. I dont know what to say anymore. I'm glad that I've loved you. I just pray some day you'll love me too.

I need to drink again tonight. I need to drink myself to sleep.

if i hurt you in the past, im sorry.
i'm serving my sentence now. being hurt a million times more.

Heartache...

I've always thought that heartache is an emotional thing only. Meaning that it exist in the head only, an emotion. Today I realise that it isn't. It can be a physical pain as well. I felt it. My heart was being wrenched. The million pieces that its now in is being wrenched a thousand times over. Such physical pain I never knew existed. Its such an unbearable pain.

In light of this, I am going to be very careful in hurting others now. I may not know how bad the hurt might be or deep it'll affect another but since I have experience this immerse pain, I'll make sure I dont hurt anyone else in this manner.

where fore art thou is the one who can take this pain away...

Dead Drunk

I'm just came back from nick house after drinking. I opened my Bailey and drank with him. Nick cant drink anymore. or maybe he dont want to. But I didnt care. I wanted to drink. I dont know how much I drank. I drank till I felt my head spinning and I felt like puking. I didnt want to mess up their place so I tried to make my way home. Thank God that I live so near. I'm now feeling messed up. everything looks blur to me, I think the alcohol is taking effect. Maybe I should lie down and stop moving around.

Its Sunday, again...

This is one of the worst day I have felt. I felt like dying. I felt really like dying.

In the morn, I woke up to find my Dad out of the house without me. So I asked her if she was driving to church and she said no. I bathed and change and took a cab to church. I didn't want to be late. Then in church I saw her van. I thought she didn't drive? Anyway nevermind. We played captain's ball during YA time.

Captain's ball was fun. Nice running around the field at noon. The sun was fabulous. I felt great. But while playing captain's ball, I wanted to be with her, but I never got to. I almost wanted to kill someone. The ball was lobbed to him, I charged for it, using all my strength and energy, I charged for it. I managed to intercept the ball but I suddenly decided to change my direction where I was moving to avoid hitting him. In the process I strained my ankle. It was painful to walk after. I played damn hard, I just wanted to have fun and smile. But I couldnt. Its sunday afterall.

So Lunch was at iguana. We were there to celebrate Cheryl's Day. I guess lunch was ok, probably the best time of the day. After lunch we went to starbucks at central. I felt really affected by alcohol and was feeling very very down.

After that I went to get my guitar strings from Davis and accompanied Joel to Funnan while she and him hanged out with sam. I felt myself in great pain. My heart was beating very weakly. I didn't have enough of vitamin G.

I've lost interest in most games. I don't want to play them. I just want her.

She was angry with me and that is why I'm feeling all the pain and hurt. I know it. Though at that time I really dont know what is going on, I know I'm feeling hurt by her. I've never felt or been this hurt. I wanted to be suicidal, I wanted to drown myself in alcohol. I wanted to be wasted and just numb all feelings. She made me jealous, its her vendetta for my childish acts. I was torn a part. Its like a broken glass that has been stepped on a million times by a high heel shoes.

Now it really seems like nothing will change. She'll be with him no matter what. There is nothing she can do. and I? I just want to do everything in my will to win her back. I dont know. I'm at my wits end. I'm at my lowest point in life.

I've never been so wreaked. I dont know how to give up someone whom you need. I dont know. I dont know how to love another with a heart that is reserved? At this moment now I'm much better caused I've talked to her. But before that, I was suffering so badly. Like my heart attached to a thousand needles attached to a thousand strings all pulling at the same time. Shattered and torn. I wanted to talk to her.

Even when we were playing CS, she went to the toilet, I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to hug her and make things right. I wanted to let her bite me and hope that she'll feel better. I wanted to do all these, but I knew I couldn't as I might create a commotion.

I cant help but notice a new ring each of them are wearing now. I've not ask and I've not said anything till now cause I dont wanna know. I'm feeling so so so damn bloody freaking shattered. WHY CANT I HAVE THE GIRL I REALLY LOVE? WHYYYYY!!??!?!?!?!?!

She's all I want and all I've ever needed. How Vin? live with the pain? She cant be yours, not unless the Lord says so. No good signs have been shown to you regarding her. So what? Pull away? are you willing to not see her? are you willing to not talk to her? are you willing to give her up? she is my very cause of JOY and Pain. Am I to be trained for long suffering? I dont know if this is in the wrong context.

You mean alot to me. I know its gonna be hard to live without you.

Lets Elope...

Lets run away and leave the world behind,
to a place thats yours and mine...

-Vin

I really want to do that... I wanna take her away... far far away. Away from the world, away from the eyes of the world. I just wanna be with her.

Its time...

I just came back from band practise and this would be our last meeting with the producer before we hit the studio. So we played through the rest of the songs that he didn't manage to hear the last time he met us. He commented that we have hair raising songs, able to touch hearts songs and radio friendly songs. We have stuffs that is groovy too! We are good basically.

To God be the GLORY!

I'm really excited about this man. We are half way through the beginning as told by our producer and things are beginning to take shape too. We are really a versatile band as our songs are like many other bands out there. Ryan writes well, he is able to write songs in many genre and still keep things fresh.

So next Wednesday would be the start of the recording. Most of our recordings are done in the night which means that I'm going to be home late. Sigh, not sure if I'll get to talk to her.

She looked very very pretty and sweet today. Green tank top with sequins round the collar, a long pink skirt with strips of green and purple and some other colour of which I cant remember now. Its the kinda skirt you'll get at "Fond Hug". With her pinned up hair and light make up, she looked picture perfect.

She called while I was bathing. Guess how many missed call she gave, 7. Gosh, the first person who had given me so many missed calls. Tonight would probably be one of the shortest conversation we ever had. It was for about 7mins only. We couldn't talk for long as she had tuition the next morning and I didn't want her to suffer from the lack of sleep. Not her fault, I came back late to begin with... so, oh well.

Ever wondered why for so long you have lived without a certain someone and now suddenly you realise you cant live without the person? For me, I have. For 20 odd years in my life I have lived without her. Suddenly. in my 20th year of living, I realise I cant live without her. I wont be me without her. I would be someone else.

Its like for 20 years you could carry on with life. But when you have found this special someone whom you want to live the rest of your life with, you will feel that life from then on without her would be not worth living. Everyday would be mundane without excitment. Love you wife as yourself. That is the command in the Bible. Without your wife, you wont be what you are. So love her like you would love yourself.

I think, I'll love my wife more than myself. I'm nothing without her. But between the girl and God, God is definitely first. I'm trusting in you Lord though I'm worried about my future and my life. You know who I want and need and what is best for me. I pray that I live in your will.

without you, there wont be me...

I got a present...

She told me she bought something for me on impulse yesterday. I was quite shocked but happy. I met her today and she showed me a Third Day CD :) I had a tummy ache today, But when I saw the CD its wasn't pain that I felt. I was a different feeling. Something indescribable, but I knew it was a happy type of feeling. perhaps I feel loved?

These few days have been a really busy money spending days. Yes, I'm rather cash strapped somehow and its bugging me. Tuesday was Labour day and Ryan organised cycling at Pasir Ris park followed by his birthday day dinner. Dinner was fabulous. Lots of great food! the Crabs were amazingly huge and tasty! Quantity-wise, it was madness and it was about $25 per person.(we paid Ryan's share) There were 13 of us and it was very fun!

After dinner we walked at Changi Beach to digest our dinner. We walked for about an hours before Pastor Ed suggested going to Changi Airport T2 for Swensons Ice cream. So round 2 was a T2 and we had lots of ice cream. After dessert it was Home Sweet Home :)

Wednesday was practise day. We met at 12.30pm for lunch, went to church and started about 1pm. It was a long day, it ended with supper with Ryan at Bedok 85 and he gave his birthday speech. There was some interesting stuffs that was being shared then.

Today, I went out with her. We did nothing in particular, just walked round Compass Point. That alone is enough to satisfy me. I dont know how much time I spent with her, but that was enough to make me glad. I would really love to be with her all the time. Everyday, 24/7, 365(366)days a year.

I finally know how much she means to me.

i'll wait. for 5 years i'll wait...