This is what came out of me when I was talking to someone close. Just talking in general to a question like how are you. somehow this words came out of me and haunted me.
v i n' My God - My Music - My Life ( is... ) says:
haha, some times u think the feelings are numbed and will go away
v i n' My God - My Music - My Life ( is... ) says:
but enough quietness and enough space to think
v i n' My God - My Music - My Life ( is... ) says:
u'll fall back into a vortex that keeps sucking u in
I dont want to suffer anymore. I dont know what would keep me going on. Like I've said. I hate sundays. The day of rest is my day of pain. The day set apart to seek God is my day of despair. I'm so lost as to what should I do to keep sane. I really dont know.
I'm lost for words to draw you back. I cant bear to say the words to keep you away. I'm now just going to numb myself and see if I can last through the night. Waiting to see if you would call.
smile vin smile.
cry vin cry.
neither smiling or crying,
will make her come back running.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
藉口- 周杰倫
翻著我們的照片 想念若隱若現
fan zhe wo men de zhao pian / xiang nian ruo yin ruo xian
去年的冬天 我們笑得很甜
qu nian de dong tian / wo men xiao de hen tian
看著妳哭泣的臉, 對著我說再見
kan zhe ni ku qi de lian / dui zhe wo shuo zai jian
來不及聽見 妳已走得很遠
lai bu ji ting jian / ni yi zou de hen yuan
也許妳已經放棄我 也許已經很難回頭
ye xu ni yi jing fang qi wo / ye su yi jing hen nan hui tou
我知道是自己錯過 請再給我一個理由說妳不愛我
wo zhi dao shi zi ji cuo guo / qing zai gei wo yi ge li you shuo ni bu ai wo
就算是我不懂 能不能原諒我
jiu suan shi wo bu dong / neng bu neng yuan liang wo
請不要把分手當作妳的請求
qing bu yao ba fen shou dang zuo ni de qing qiu
我知道堅持要走 是妳受傷的藉口
wo zhi dao jian chi yao zou / shi ni shou shang de jie kou
請妳回頭 我會陪妳一直走到最後
qing ni hui tou / wo hui pei ni yi zhi zou dao zui hou
就算沒有結果 我也能夠承受
jiu suan mei you jie guo / wo ye neng go cheng shou
我知道妳的痛 是我給的承諾
wo zhi dao ni de tong / shi wo gei de cheng nuo
妳說給過我縱容 沉默是因為包容
ni shuo gei guo wo zong rong / chen mo shi yin wei bao rong
如果要走 請妳記得我
ru guo yao zou / qing ni ji de wo
如果難過 請妳忘了我
ru guo nan guo / qing ni wang le wo
this song written by Jay Chou is stunningly accurate to how I feel, how my life was and is. Its comforting to know that I'm not the only one out there feeling this way, regretting letting the one we loved the most go. And now I can only pray that she wont give me a reason to stop loving me. and if she is to leave that she wont forget me, but if its hurts, then perhaps forgetting me would be the best. Well I dont wish she forgets me. I kinda hate that last line. I mean, true that I want her to be happy but I really dont want her to forget me. If u can go listen to this song. Meaningful lyrics and a beautiful melody that goes with that song.
my life's story...
fan zhe wo men de zhao pian / xiang nian ruo yin ruo xian
去年的冬天 我們笑得很甜
qu nian de dong tian / wo men xiao de hen tian
看著妳哭泣的臉, 對著我說再見
kan zhe ni ku qi de lian / dui zhe wo shuo zai jian
來不及聽見 妳已走得很遠
lai bu ji ting jian / ni yi zou de hen yuan
也許妳已經放棄我 也許已經很難回頭
ye xu ni yi jing fang qi wo / ye su yi jing hen nan hui tou
我知道是自己錯過 請再給我一個理由說妳不愛我
wo zhi dao shi zi ji cuo guo / qing zai gei wo yi ge li you shuo ni bu ai wo
就算是我不懂 能不能原諒我
jiu suan shi wo bu dong / neng bu neng yuan liang wo
請不要把分手當作妳的請求
qing bu yao ba fen shou dang zuo ni de qing qiu
我知道堅持要走 是妳受傷的藉口
wo zhi dao jian chi yao zou / shi ni shou shang de jie kou
請妳回頭 我會陪妳一直走到最後
qing ni hui tou / wo hui pei ni yi zhi zou dao zui hou
就算沒有結果 我也能夠承受
jiu suan mei you jie guo / wo ye neng go cheng shou
我知道妳的痛 是我給的承諾
wo zhi dao ni de tong / shi wo gei de cheng nuo
妳說給過我縱容 沉默是因為包容
ni shuo gei guo wo zong rong / chen mo shi yin wei bao rong
如果要走 請妳記得我
ru guo yao zou / qing ni ji de wo
如果難過 請妳忘了我
ru guo nan guo / qing ni wang le wo
this song written by Jay Chou is stunningly accurate to how I feel, how my life was and is. Its comforting to know that I'm not the only one out there feeling this way, regretting letting the one we loved the most go. And now I can only pray that she wont give me a reason to stop loving me. and if she is to leave that she wont forget me, but if its hurts, then perhaps forgetting me would be the best. Well I dont wish she forgets me. I kinda hate that last line. I mean, true that I want her to be happy but I really dont want her to forget me. If u can go listen to this song. Meaningful lyrics and a beautiful melody that goes with that song.
my life's story...
Friday, April 27, 2007
Give up, just give up
(ps: this is gonna be a long post)
That was what I've been fighting in my head the whole night. My head keeps telling me to give up, but naturally I just went on as it is. I still wanted to take care of her, share stuffs with her, do things for her. Thats me, I go all out for the person I love.
I really do love her. At this point in time there is no doubt about it at all. Not the faintest sign of doubt at all in my heart, mind and soul.
I've been debating with myself and with God. Debating that why this has to happen and make me so heartbroken. Looking at her, but not being able to be near her. Not being able to hear her whisper when she is sad, not able to hold her hand when she is cold, not able to look deep into her eyes to assure her everything is fine, not be able hold her tight and smell her scent. I really wanna spend time with her doing nothing or anything.
I have to keep myself in check today. I dont really care who the company was to even begin with. Most of them are my childhood friends: my dearest, mummy-sister Cheryl, clare and lyd, joyce goh and ho, cass. We were out to celebrate Joyce GOH's birthday. Its was quite fun. Hopefully we can do this for everyone.
I kept myself in check cause I dont wanna hurt myself. I dont want to have any hopes. I dont want to delude myself any further. It hurts, it does, but I hope in time to come I'll be fine. In truth, typing this makes my heart really painful. I'm really close to tearing now.
Now, as long as she is happy with him, I'll really let it be. Yes I dont wanna see anything, hear anything between him and her, but I'll let it be. We're still friends and she telling me about her life is fine. I just dont wanna know anything between them.
I reflect a lot these few days. Thinking of why this happens, why I like her, why its best I stay away, how should I feel or react when I see or hear of things I dont want to. I have not come up with anything, but I'm just trusting in the Lord.
I really dont see how there would be another her, better in fact. But I guess this is a test of trust. Trusting in His providence.
Trust and obey,
for there is not other way,
to be happy in Jesus,
but to trust and obey.
An old sunday school song, but today, its reminding me of how God works.
Maybe after getting a job or going into NS will like overshadow these feelings. Maybe, I dont know. But after these 2 years one thing that I know is that, I can never forget her or have these memories and feelings eradicated from my heart. Its a space for her and her only. They have been deeply engraved onto my heart.
so now I guess I'll just be happy around her. Just be grateful and think positive. treasure this friendship and see how the Lord works. You never know, just hang on to Him and be prepared for a ride of a life.
watch me go, as i let go.
through my days of high and low.
perhaps some day and i shall know,
why you're the one that make me whole.
- ViN
That was what I've been fighting in my head the whole night. My head keeps telling me to give up, but naturally I just went on as it is. I still wanted to take care of her, share stuffs with her, do things for her. Thats me, I go all out for the person I love.
I really do love her. At this point in time there is no doubt about it at all. Not the faintest sign of doubt at all in my heart, mind and soul.
I've been debating with myself and with God. Debating that why this has to happen and make me so heartbroken. Looking at her, but not being able to be near her. Not being able to hear her whisper when she is sad, not able to hold her hand when she is cold, not able to look deep into her eyes to assure her everything is fine, not be able hold her tight and smell her scent. I really wanna spend time with her doing nothing or anything.
I have to keep myself in check today. I dont really care who the company was to even begin with. Most of them are my childhood friends: my dearest, mummy-sister Cheryl, clare and lyd, joyce goh and ho, cass. We were out to celebrate Joyce GOH's birthday. Its was quite fun. Hopefully we can do this for everyone.
I kept myself in check cause I dont wanna hurt myself. I dont want to have any hopes. I dont want to delude myself any further. It hurts, it does, but I hope in time to come I'll be fine. In truth, typing this makes my heart really painful. I'm really close to tearing now.
Now, as long as she is happy with him, I'll really let it be. Yes I dont wanna see anything, hear anything between him and her, but I'll let it be. We're still friends and she telling me about her life is fine. I just dont wanna know anything between them.
I reflect a lot these few days. Thinking of why this happens, why I like her, why its best I stay away, how should I feel or react when I see or hear of things I dont want to. I have not come up with anything, but I'm just trusting in the Lord.
I really dont see how there would be another her, better in fact. But I guess this is a test of trust. Trusting in His providence.
Trust and obey,
for there is not other way,
to be happy in Jesus,
but to trust and obey.
An old sunday school song, but today, its reminding me of how God works.
Maybe after getting a job or going into NS will like overshadow these feelings. Maybe, I dont know. But after these 2 years one thing that I know is that, I can never forget her or have these memories and feelings eradicated from my heart. Its a space for her and her only. They have been deeply engraved onto my heart.
so now I guess I'll just be happy around her. Just be grateful and think positive. treasure this friendship and see how the Lord works. You never know, just hang on to Him and be prepared for a ride of a life.
watch me go, as i let go.
through my days of high and low.
perhaps some day and i shall know,
why you're the one that make me whole.
- ViN
Monday, April 23, 2007
Restoration of peace
as I typed those entries, it was like a prayer. and God has made me clear headed. Yes, I'll take on the friendship with her and with him. I would be ok with them together.
All these I surrendered to the Lord. and I can face life again. Yes, I felt my heart sank abit, but I surrendered it to the Lord again. I'm strong in the Lord. Not on my own strength. I am constantly renewing my mind of my thoughts and guard against them. I'm fine now. I'm ready to face anything.
Recording, here I come. Restoration of life, here I come. Its Vin again. just much more in the Lord and much more matured (i guess)
I'm trusting in the Lord. Hear, trust and obey. No thoughts of anything for now. Just live day by day and the Lord will provide.
All these I surrendered to the Lord. and I can face life again. Yes, I felt my heart sank abit, but I surrendered it to the Lord again. I'm strong in the Lord. Not on my own strength. I am constantly renewing my mind of my thoughts and guard against them. I'm fine now. I'm ready to face anything.
Recording, here I come. Restoration of life, here I come. Its Vin again. just much more in the Lord and much more matured (i guess)
I'm trusting in the Lord. Hear, trust and obey. No thoughts of anything for now. Just live day by day and the Lord will provide.
it needn't end like this
I know I said I wanna move away. I want to cos I dont wanna see you and him, together.
But the friendship part... can I reconsider please? I want it back. I really treasure it a lot. Just give me sometime to settle myself.
We really can be best friends. Just need sometime. I dont know how much it may mean to you, but it means a lot to me. Just that talking to you daily would have to stop first to clear things up. so give each other some space.
I'll see you every now and then. Its just impossible to be like this all the time.
I'll endure. I'll be praying.
But the friendship part... can I reconsider please? I want it back. I really treasure it a lot. Just give me sometime to settle myself.
We really can be best friends. Just need sometime. I dont know how much it may mean to you, but it means a lot to me. Just that talking to you daily would have to stop first to clear things up. so give each other some space.
I'll see you every now and then. Its just impossible to be like this all the time.
I'll endure. I'll be praying.
I hate the past
"TURN HER BACK LORD TURN HER BACK"
that is all I can cry. all is lost, all is lost.
Removal of existence of any form of life. the extinction of presence. no one to help me anymore. no one.
I cant sleep tonight. I'm wide awake, caused by the pain dealt. I'm wide awake, cause I cant believe how this ended.
I wanted the friendship but somehow its tearing me apart. I wonder now if I should turn back and run faster to ask her to forgive me. I dont know. ARGH!
She too now chose to exit. FUCK! why did I suggest it? Cant I just learn to endure. FUCK! dont exit please. please please... is it falling on deaf ears? is it?
I dont want to be the old me. I dont want. I DONT WANT! no I dont want to revert back. Its so emotionally hard. so emotionally unstable.
I dont want to hurt you. I dont want to make you go back to where you were before. You are more important than gaming, than the recording. I treasure our friendship. I wanna gain it back again somehow. Give me some time. I'll try.
I want you to question the relationship again. I want you to think if its really possible. I really want you to reconsider. PLEASE please please...
that is all I can cry. all is lost, all is lost.
Removal of existence of any form of life. the extinction of presence. no one to help me anymore. no one.
I cant sleep tonight. I'm wide awake, caused by the pain dealt. I'm wide awake, cause I cant believe how this ended.
I wanted the friendship but somehow its tearing me apart. I wonder now if I should turn back and run faster to ask her to forgive me. I dont know. ARGH!
She too now chose to exit. FUCK! why did I suggest it? Cant I just learn to endure. FUCK! dont exit please. please please... is it falling on deaf ears? is it?
I dont want to be the old me. I dont want. I DONT WANT! no I dont want to revert back. Its so emotionally hard. so emotionally unstable.
I dont want to hurt you. I dont want to make you go back to where you were before. You are more important than gaming, than the recording. I treasure our friendship. I wanna gain it back again somehow. Give me some time. I'll try.
I want you to question the relationship again. I want you to think if its really possible. I really want you to reconsider. PLEASE please please...
one fine day
I'll look back at this blog and remind myself to treasure my girl if I'm given one. Or that I should pray really hard about it before acting on my own wisdom.
one fine day. this blog will be a memory bank to hold everything that I have ever known. The first, the benchmark, the one I experience true love. This blog would remind me of what I'm looking for in a girl. I wont be blinded by the world. I'll remember my dream. I'll remember promises.
I'll remember how is it to smile and cry.
This blog is everything I am. The true me. The me behind the mask of the world that has seen. But the true me. The me that I wont reveal to others ever is only know by two so far. God and her. the side of me saying sweet silly things. doing silly acts. getting paiseh and all. things that I would show cause I'm so comfortable being with the person.
I wonder what tomorrow holds. Will I ever blog again? My life is empty now. There is one less excitement. one less pain? I'll probably keep Heartdrive updates here. But that isnt my everyday thing.
The one that makes my heart race. makes me excited. makes me heart broken. makes me torn apart. makes me laugh. makes me cry. makes me alive. makes me dead. makes me inspired. makes me wanna sleep. makes me wanna wake up. makes me travel. makes me lose weight. makes me wanna eat. makes me lose appetite. makes me wanna exercise. makes me wanna sin no more. makes me pray. makes me sings. makes me think. makes me paiseh. makes me do silly things. makes me wanna be sweet. makes me wanna be nice. makes me wanna look good. makes me wanna smell good. makes me wanna wait. makes me keep walking. makes me keep running. make me keep swimming. makes me never wanna give up. makes me find the LORD. makes me, me.
makes me smile and cry
one fine day. this blog will be a memory bank to hold everything that I have ever known. The first, the benchmark, the one I experience true love. This blog would remind me of what I'm looking for in a girl. I wont be blinded by the world. I'll remember my dream. I'll remember promises.
I'll remember how is it to smile and cry.
This blog is everything I am. The true me. The me behind the mask of the world that has seen. But the true me. The me that I wont reveal to others ever is only know by two so far. God and her. the side of me saying sweet silly things. doing silly acts. getting paiseh and all. things that I would show cause I'm so comfortable being with the person.
I wonder what tomorrow holds. Will I ever blog again? My life is empty now. There is one less excitement. one less pain? I'll probably keep Heartdrive updates here. But that isnt my everyday thing.
The one that makes my heart race. makes me excited. makes me heart broken. makes me torn apart. makes me laugh. makes me cry. makes me alive. makes me dead. makes me inspired. makes me wanna sleep. makes me wanna wake up. makes me travel. makes me lose weight. makes me wanna eat. makes me lose appetite. makes me wanna exercise. makes me wanna sin no more. makes me pray. makes me sings. makes me think. makes me paiseh. makes me do silly things. makes me wanna be sweet. makes me wanna be nice. makes me wanna look good. makes me wanna smell good. makes me wanna wait. makes me keep walking. makes me keep running. make me keep swimming. makes me never wanna give up. makes me find the LORD. makes me, me.
makes me smile and cry
protect me will you?
I hope she wont let him see this. I dont even know if she'll continue reading this. I'm just gonna write like no one is reading. Why? I dont have to hide anything anymore. I can be as true as I want. I can't tell her anymore on the phone. I just gotta express through here. I'm very vulnerable. Far too vulnerable.
She might choose not to read this anymore. I dont know. I wont ask. Dear buddy drew, we are in the same suck now. The feeling of letting someone go. Gosh, its harder than I really expected.
Maybe I should talk to you more. We could probably understand each other better. Its like now though we arent talking much about this issue we both face individually, but we have a common understanding somehow.
I wanna pray, I tried, I did. I dont know if God is ignoring me. Like how parents would let the baby wail all he wants. Cause when he knows that he wont get attention for nothing, he will learn to shut up. I dont know. So hard, so darn hard.
I'm looking forward to jamming. I'm looking forward to getting lost in worship. I dread fridays, some saturdays and sundays. My head is so so full of her. I'm crying now as I write this.
I trust you Lord. I'm waiting on your will. But you know the human feelings is so hard to ignore. but I guess on the cross when the Father whom you loved so much, left you, turn away from you, forsake you, now only you Christ knows how I feel. To be ignored by the one you loved so deeply. To leave all behind. To just walk away. To see her happy with another guy. To be too late. To be told no.
If all these are just to bring me back to you, Lord I can only imagine how stubborn I am. How hard a nut I am to crack. But Lord really why her? why? Lord I wait for the day I stand amaze at your work. Really I do. My hope Lord, I wanna build upon you. not upon her.
I feel like I'm evaporating. Disappearing into thin air. I'm only in form when I go for jamming. I feel so weak Lord. Grant me strengthen Lord. please.
Now I'm using music to numb the hurts and pain. to take my mind off as much as I can.
She might choose not to read this anymore. I dont know. I wont ask. Dear buddy drew, we are in the same suck now. The feeling of letting someone go. Gosh, its harder than I really expected.
Maybe I should talk to you more. We could probably understand each other better. Its like now though we arent talking much about this issue we both face individually, but we have a common understanding somehow.
I wanna pray, I tried, I did. I dont know if God is ignoring me. Like how parents would let the baby wail all he wants. Cause when he knows that he wont get attention for nothing, he will learn to shut up. I dont know. So hard, so darn hard.
I'm looking forward to jamming. I'm looking forward to getting lost in worship. I dread fridays, some saturdays and sundays. My head is so so full of her. I'm crying now as I write this.
I trust you Lord. I'm waiting on your will. But you know the human feelings is so hard to ignore. but I guess on the cross when the Father whom you loved so much, left you, turn away from you, forsake you, now only you Christ knows how I feel. To be ignored by the one you loved so deeply. To leave all behind. To just walk away. To see her happy with another guy. To be too late. To be told no.
If all these are just to bring me back to you, Lord I can only imagine how stubborn I am. How hard a nut I am to crack. But Lord really why her? why? Lord I wait for the day I stand amaze at your work. Really I do. My hope Lord, I wanna build upon you. not upon her.
I feel like I'm evaporating. Disappearing into thin air. I'm only in form when I go for jamming. I feel so weak Lord. Grant me strengthen Lord. please.
Now I'm using music to numb the hurts and pain. to take my mind off as much as I can.
I wish there was me
I dont know how much is left in your heart of me.
I really do wish there is a bit.
But I know it cant be if you wanna be free.
There is a lot if you in me.
It so hard, I can barely breathe.
-vin
I really do wish there is a bit.
But I know it cant be if you wanna be free.
There is a lot if you in me.
It so hard, I can barely breathe.
-vin
Madness
I'm ranting on and on
I need to rant
I need to let out somewhere
I decided to let go of everything. Its turning me crazy but I hope the madness ends soon. I wanna die. I wanna leave everything behind. I wanna live a new life or if I could go back in the past and rectify. I wanna smile. I wanna be happy around everyone
I dont wanna see them. I dont wanna feel hurt. I dont wanna be down. I dont wanna hate anyone. I dont wanna live a life like this. I dont wanna hate him.
I'm just going mad!
Going back into what I was last time is just like saying that all I have said in the past are lies. Things like I wanna make her happy. I wanna maintain the friendship. I wanna love her with 25% of my heart. Being like this makes me a LIAR!
But I dont know what else to do. I cannot lead her on. I need to let her get back on track with him. There is so much I need to let her do that hurts me! WTH?!?!?!
I wanna call her and talk to her right now. I wanna just spend time with her. But in all these I cannot have any hopes. Seriously I'm going crazy. So many aspect of this and that.
I wanna SSSSSCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so hurt, broken, wasted, whatever word I can find to say. I need someone like you. Really. Save me, I beg you, anyone, someone. SAVE ME!
I need to rant
I need to let out somewhere
I decided to let go of everything. Its turning me crazy but I hope the madness ends soon. I wanna die. I wanna leave everything behind. I wanna live a new life or if I could go back in the past and rectify. I wanna smile. I wanna be happy around everyone
I dont wanna see them. I dont wanna feel hurt. I dont wanna be down. I dont wanna hate anyone. I dont wanna live a life like this. I dont wanna hate him.
I'm just going mad!
Going back into what I was last time is just like saying that all I have said in the past are lies. Things like I wanna make her happy. I wanna maintain the friendship. I wanna love her with 25% of my heart. Being like this makes me a LIAR!
But I dont know what else to do. I cannot lead her on. I need to let her get back on track with him. There is so much I need to let her do that hurts me! WTH?!?!?!
I wanna call her and talk to her right now. I wanna just spend time with her. But in all these I cannot have any hopes. Seriously I'm going crazy. So many aspect of this and that.
I wanna SSSSSCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so hurt, broken, wasted, whatever word I can find to say. I need someone like you. Really. Save me, I beg you, anyone, someone. SAVE ME!
Fine.
Fine? am I really fine? I keep asking myself. I am, aren't I? no I don't think so, I far from being fine. I'm F**KED! I'm so not ok. like I really don't know. I'm so not f**king ok right now.
In church people close ask me am I alright, I told them, yea! Well maybe I manage to draw the energy from them to feel fine, but when I'm alone with God and alone with myself, I become not fine. I keep telling my gan ma I'm fine. Really really fine. I got over it. I guess that is the only mask I put on in church. Maybe it isn't a mask, but at that time I really am.
Well I guess I thought it through last night. I'm really ok about them being together. I'm not for her. period. But there was so much talks about it today that the old hurt and feelings just came hitting me in FULL FORCE! they tormented me. I knew how much I loved her and I guess I should either stop talking to her altogether or I should just cool off and get myself again.
I don't know what to do. I tried giving up to God but I end up not being able to sleep. Crap la. I feel wasted again this week. Lost all sense of motivation. Lord oh lord. what are you trying to do to me?!
I was talking to Lee cher in the car on the way home. Nothing mentioned about her but I just had a sudden thought that maybe God knew what is needed to talk me away from gaming. A Girl. so happen that he decided to use her. Well now I'm off gaming but I'm all hurting. WHAT A WEIRD METHOD LA GOD! but maybe that was the only way. I thank her for bringing me back to God, in whatever role she might be playing unknowingly.
The ultimate killer of the day was that he called while I was talking to her halfway. And then I asked her if he called, she said yes. So I said, ok then maybe you should talk to him, spend time with him, you two have to get back on track. Then she said, don't worry, its fine between them already. When I heard that sentence, I insisted that she talked to him. I just couldn't bear it anymore. I need to be left alone. The pain was too overwhelming. I just cant keep in what I feel. No I cant. I wish her well. I really do. I just bear to see her going on good with him. I wanna kill all hope. TOTALLY. all hopes.
I don't know what is emo now. The pain is so much now its perpetually on and off in seconds. I'm so hurt, yes by you, but not how it looks like. you don't mean to hurt me in anyway but it somehow does to me. I might say one thing but next moment I feel another way. Sorry I'm confusing. I'm so f**ked I'm just going so mad and all over the place. I need to get out of this.
I'm looking for someone else to talk to. Anyone. Looking for a let out point.
fine? NOT FINE!
In church people close ask me am I alright, I told them, yea! Well maybe I manage to draw the energy from them to feel fine, but when I'm alone with God and alone with myself, I become not fine. I keep telling my gan ma I'm fine. Really really fine. I got over it. I guess that is the only mask I put on in church. Maybe it isn't a mask, but at that time I really am.
Well I guess I thought it through last night. I'm really ok about them being together. I'm not for her. period. But there was so much talks about it today that the old hurt and feelings just came hitting me in FULL FORCE! they tormented me. I knew how much I loved her and I guess I should either stop talking to her altogether or I should just cool off and get myself again.
I don't know what to do. I tried giving up to God but I end up not being able to sleep. Crap la. I feel wasted again this week. Lost all sense of motivation. Lord oh lord. what are you trying to do to me?!
I was talking to Lee cher in the car on the way home. Nothing mentioned about her but I just had a sudden thought that maybe God knew what is needed to talk me away from gaming. A Girl. so happen that he decided to use her. Well now I'm off gaming but I'm all hurting. WHAT A WEIRD METHOD LA GOD! but maybe that was the only way. I thank her for bringing me back to God, in whatever role she might be playing unknowingly.
The ultimate killer of the day was that he called while I was talking to her halfway. And then I asked her if he called, she said yes. So I said, ok then maybe you should talk to him, spend time with him, you two have to get back on track. Then she said, don't worry, its fine between them already. When I heard that sentence, I insisted that she talked to him. I just couldn't bear it anymore. I need to be left alone. The pain was too overwhelming. I just cant keep in what I feel. No I cant. I wish her well. I really do. I just bear to see her going on good with him. I wanna kill all hope. TOTALLY. all hopes.
I don't know what is emo now. The pain is so much now its perpetually on and off in seconds. I'm so hurt, yes by you, but not how it looks like. you don't mean to hurt me in anyway but it somehow does to me. I might say one thing but next moment I feel another way. Sorry I'm confusing. I'm so f**ked I'm just going so mad and all over the place. I need to get out of this.
I'm looking for someone else to talk to. Anyone. Looking for a let out point.
fine? NOT FINE!
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Heartdrive
Yea, Heartdrive is gonna be the next hot thing, I hope. I'm damn excited at the future of the band and also the things we can do through God who strengthens us.
So today we went to:
Sound Advice, The Professional Recording Studio
414A Joo Chiat Road S427638
www.soundadvice.com.sg
for a jamming session with Kamal. Ok the room is small and cramp with everyone inside. BUT! the sound, acoustic was DAMN GOOD! I had so much fun playing today. Its like a jamming studio. Everything is so clear, damn shiok.
I'm in love with this amp, ORANGE
The amp made my 2nd hand Jackson sound ALIVE! The tone is great, the overdrive is good. SONG AR!
ok, so we ran through our stuff and it seems like Kamal likes it. GREAT! we're on the right track, thank God!
I had a great time today, ended it with talking to her :) it just makes my day.
time to sleep now, there is service tomorrow.
heartdrive, rocking on for God
So today we went to:
Sound Advice, The Professional Recording Studio
414A Joo Chiat Road S427638
www.soundadvice.com.sg
for a jamming session with Kamal. Ok the room is small and cramp with everyone inside. BUT! the sound, acoustic was DAMN GOOD! I had so much fun playing today. Its like a jamming studio. Everything is so clear, damn shiok.
I'm in love with this amp, ORANGE
The amp made my 2nd hand Jackson sound ALIVE! The tone is great, the overdrive is good. SONG AR!
ok, so we ran through our stuff and it seems like Kamal likes it. GREAT! we're on the right track, thank God!
I had a great time today, ended it with talking to her :) it just makes my day.
time to sleep now, there is service tomorrow.
heartdrive, rocking on for God
Friday, April 20, 2007
All the same - Sick Puppies
I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly
I don't care no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do
I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here
Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same
Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden
And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am
I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here
Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's always the same
Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same
In my life
The compromise
I close my eyes
It's all the same
Go ahead say it you're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same
this songs reflects what I feel. but i know one thing for sure, she wont have a scarred heart.
But, i'll take you for who you are, if you take me for everything. even if you do it all over again. it's all the same.
Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden
And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am
this has some truth in it. that is how i feel. this is what i am now.
This is gonna be a long post :)
Today had been a very interesting day. I was doing my QT and I had the thoughts of taking her away, and kill him. Then I thought of David. Maybe I can try, but it struck me that David was a man after God's own heart. David knew God very very well in his journey with God. How can I compare myself with David!
Then in today's BAG session, David was mentioned again. About the same thing. But what I'm reflecting now is that, God wont look at what I have done, being a 3rd party and just careless about me. God wont look at what David has done, being a adulterous man and a murderer and then careless about him. God wants to use David still. so as long as David repents and seeks forgiveness. The same way, I hope that God would use me.
In this same session, the verse we were looking at today is Samson and Delilah. Yes, the same passage that really made me think twice if I should continue loving her. In my "time with the master", the part where what the Lord said to me scared the shit out of me. In there I wrote, "becareful who you love, lest it leads you to your own destruction."
But this time round it was quite funny. Sharon found that the writer who added this detail is really funny. But who knows, it might be true for me. It said, " she pestered him daily with her words and pressed him, so that his soul was vexed to death." WOAH! is this my warning also? That she might nag me to death? Well, its a laughable thought, but yea, who knows. Anyway, she is really a nice girl so I believe she can't bear to nag me to death :)
Well, I guess now I'm ok. Just as long as she is talking to me and all I should be fine. Sooner or later, things will carry on, I'll get numbed to stuff save for that 25% for her. I just hope on her side those feelings and memories wont be lost as well.
its all the same
As long as you come to me
I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly
I don't care no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do
I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here
Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same
Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden
And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am
I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here
Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's always the same
Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same
In my life
The compromise
I close my eyes
It's all the same
Go ahead say it you're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same
this songs reflects what I feel. but i know one thing for sure, she wont have a scarred heart.
But, i'll take you for who you are, if you take me for everything. even if you do it all over again. it's all the same.
Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden
And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am
this has some truth in it. that is how i feel. this is what i am now.
This is gonna be a long post :)
Today had been a very interesting day. I was doing my QT and I had the thoughts of taking her away, and kill him. Then I thought of David. Maybe I can try, but it struck me that David was a man after God's own heart. David knew God very very well in his journey with God. How can I compare myself with David!
Then in today's BAG session, David was mentioned again. About the same thing. But what I'm reflecting now is that, God wont look at what I have done, being a 3rd party and just careless about me. God wont look at what David has done, being a adulterous man and a murderer and then careless about him. God wants to use David still. so as long as David repents and seeks forgiveness. The same way, I hope that God would use me.
In this same session, the verse we were looking at today is Samson and Delilah. Yes, the same passage that really made me think twice if I should continue loving her. In my "time with the master", the part where what the Lord said to me scared the shit out of me. In there I wrote, "becareful who you love, lest it leads you to your own destruction."
But this time round it was quite funny. Sharon found that the writer who added this detail is really funny. But who knows, it might be true for me. It said, " she pestered him daily with her words and pressed him, so that his soul was vexed to death." WOAH! is this my warning also? That she might nag me to death? Well, its a laughable thought, but yea, who knows. Anyway, she is really a nice girl so I believe she can't bear to nag me to death :)
Well, I guess now I'm ok. Just as long as she is talking to me and all I should be fine. Sooner or later, things will carry on, I'll get numbed to stuff save for that 25% for her. I just hope on her side those feelings and memories wont be lost as well.
its all the same
Stiff Neck
Yesterday I woke up with a stiff neck. Today, it still ain't gone. Feeling like shit man. As if being emotionally unstable isn't bad enough. I have to endure this bloody stiff neck. It hurts like crazy and its very very irritating.
I have no idea why I have this deep conviction that she will marry him. I really don't know why. All I know is that I still love her no matter what. Yes, I'm upset, moody knowing that they are having fun outside. I tried to have fun, but I can't.
I get affected when I receive her sms or when I talk to her. Its the after effect that I always suffer. I want her to sms me. I wanna talk to her on the phone still. But these things do affect me. When she sms-ed me when I was gaming with nick on his new xbox 360, I totally couldn't concentrate after. Worse still if she stopped msging me. I don't know. I think I'm F**ked.
Half of me wanna make her jealous, the other half of me wanna just make her happy. I'm so torn I really don't know which side to listen to and act. The Lord knows my weakness, so does she. As long as any nice looking girl, comes along the way and response with the same feelings, I'm a goner. But after this, I know what to look out for before being a goner. Yes, I must look for someone like my best friend.
Today I attempted to do some tabs and leads writing for the songs that we are gonna record. I think I made some progress, hopefully I can get some help from anyone. I'm super new to playing lead stuffs and I desperately need any form of help I can get.
I know I sound selfish and self-centered and most of all A male chauvinist PIG saying this. But I feel that he has no other mates. So she kinda have to sacrifice. I know I'm evil to say, this. I'm REALLY VERY SORRY to have said that. but on a more comforting note, you have your guardian Archangel, ME, to do anything for you. That 25% is inexhaustible so just make use of it alright? :) I know for one, first on my list there is a Vodka moon to attain when its available :)
I wonder how long it'll take before I'll be more or less alright? I think on my side, being like this is ok. just hope for lesser mood swings. and I hope that on her side, those feelings won't disappear. the day my words don't count for anything, would be the day my heart will stop beating. Having them is alright. So as long as we know our line.
i am so afraid,
when one day i awake,
you would stand there saying,
that your feelings are all dead.
i will take your hand in mine,
and look you in your eye,
promising that forever,
in paradise we shall lie.
and so with all old feelings gone,
the warmth of love that comes along,
into my arms that she had longed,
embracing each other no longer forlorn.
-vin
I have no idea why I have this deep conviction that she will marry him. I really don't know why. All I know is that I still love her no matter what. Yes, I'm upset, moody knowing that they are having fun outside. I tried to have fun, but I can't.
I get affected when I receive her sms or when I talk to her. Its the after effect that I always suffer. I want her to sms me. I wanna talk to her on the phone still. But these things do affect me. When she sms-ed me when I was gaming with nick on his new xbox 360, I totally couldn't concentrate after. Worse still if she stopped msging me. I don't know. I think I'm F**ked.
Half of me wanna make her jealous, the other half of me wanna just make her happy. I'm so torn I really don't know which side to listen to and act. The Lord knows my weakness, so does she. As long as any nice looking girl, comes along the way and response with the same feelings, I'm a goner. But after this, I know what to look out for before being a goner. Yes, I must look for someone like my best friend.
Today I attempted to do some tabs and leads writing for the songs that we are gonna record. I think I made some progress, hopefully I can get some help from anyone. I'm super new to playing lead stuffs and I desperately need any form of help I can get.
I know I sound selfish and self-centered and most of all A male chauvinist PIG saying this. But I feel that he has no other mates. So she kinda have to sacrifice. I know I'm evil to say, this. I'm REALLY VERY SORRY to have said that. but on a more comforting note, you have your guardian Archangel, ME, to do anything for you. That 25% is inexhaustible so just make use of it alright? :) I know for one, first on my list there is a Vodka moon to attain when its available :)
I wonder how long it'll take before I'll be more or less alright? I think on my side, being like this is ok. just hope for lesser mood swings. and I hope that on her side, those feelings won't disappear. the day my words don't count for anything, would be the day my heart will stop beating. Having them is alright. So as long as we know our line.
i am so afraid,
when one day i awake,
you would stand there saying,
that your feelings are all dead.
i will take your hand in mine,
and look you in your eye,
promising that forever,
in paradise we shall lie.
and so with all old feelings gone,
the warmth of love that comes along,
into my arms that she had longed,
embracing each other no longer forlorn.
-vin
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Confession
My best friend loves using my blog to write stuff for her own. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying that she is really adorable.
I cant keep this in anymore and I know of the few people who read this. I'm sorry, but don't laugh at me after reading this alright. and most importantly, don't breathe a word about this.
Seriously, my opinion of her new look, SHE IS HOT. Why? cause she reminds of Raine Yang. And I think Raine Yang is hot and cute and pretty and YOUNG! I'm not lying. That is really what I thought. All that was said to you earlier, was because I just didn't want to admit. How can I happily admit it and then see you with him. I was trying to comfort myself, but I guess its no use. I think, now, you look TOO young for him. (pls don't flame me on this. its just my comments)
I wonder what kinda relationship I'm in with her. On the surface we are best friends. But sometimes, there is more than that. I really don't know. For now, I think we'll just maintain it like this and in 5 years time, I'll see what happens. Maybe I'll lead a single life producing music and helping the Youths.
I really do love her. Please don't doubt it anyone. I'm old enough to know what I need and what I want. Its not superficial neither is it ridiculous. I've thought through about it many many times. I pray that God, you who is in heaven looking down upon me, will bestow more grace and mercy. That this time of pain I go through, you help me to grow in you. Help me to trust in your providence always.
Just a little update for you readers here, HEARTDRIVE is gonna be the new Singapore Christian Worship Rock Band. Really. I wont boast cause its God-given talents that we can do this. But a guy from the music industry says that we are radio friendly. YES! RADIO FRIENDLY! means that we can hit the masses!!! Thank God. We are not in for fame or glory. We just really wanna see many touched by the music we have and turn to God. That is our objective. TO GOD BE THE GLORY!
Right now I got a sore-eye that I have to take care of, so I guess I'll have to sleep now.
you made me regret not treasuring you.
i pray this is a test, let me pass it please Father.
i'll continue to grow and be part of the will you have.
I cant keep this in anymore and I know of the few people who read this. I'm sorry, but don't laugh at me after reading this alright. and most importantly, don't breathe a word about this.
Seriously, my opinion of her new look, SHE IS HOT. Why? cause she reminds of Raine Yang. And I think Raine Yang is hot and cute and pretty and YOUNG! I'm not lying. That is really what I thought. All that was said to you earlier, was because I just didn't want to admit. How can I happily admit it and then see you with him. I was trying to comfort myself, but I guess its no use. I think, now, you look TOO young for him. (pls don't flame me on this. its just my comments)
I wonder what kinda relationship I'm in with her. On the surface we are best friends. But sometimes, there is more than that. I really don't know. For now, I think we'll just maintain it like this and in 5 years time, I'll see what happens. Maybe I'll lead a single life producing music and helping the Youths.
I really do love her. Please don't doubt it anyone. I'm old enough to know what I need and what I want. Its not superficial neither is it ridiculous. I've thought through about it many many times. I pray that God, you who is in heaven looking down upon me, will bestow more grace and mercy. That this time of pain I go through, you help me to grow in you. Help me to trust in your providence always.
Just a little update for you readers here, HEARTDRIVE is gonna be the new Singapore Christian Worship Rock Band. Really. I wont boast cause its God-given talents that we can do this. But a guy from the music industry says that we are radio friendly. YES! RADIO FRIENDLY! means that we can hit the masses!!! Thank God. We are not in for fame or glory. We just really wanna see many touched by the music we have and turn to God. That is our objective. TO GOD BE THE GLORY!
Right now I got a sore-eye that I have to take care of, so I guess I'll have to sleep now.
you made me regret not treasuring you.
i pray this is a test, let me pass it please Father.
i'll continue to grow and be part of the will you have.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Best Friend's new look
ROFL. She cut her hair. Going to laugh at her when i see her cos i think it is funny.
Before: Pretty and Cute
After: Cute ONLY. but it's ok. i think it is fine.Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Free Cone day
YES today is Ben and Jerry's FREE CONE DAY!
I went to the club to exercise today and after swimming I was in City Hall and I saw many people holding ice cream cones. I wondered what day is it today? Why is everyone holding an ice cream cone. Then the answer hit me. ITS BEN AND JERRY'S FREE CONE DAY!
Instinctively I wanted to take the MRT to Dhoby Ghuat station and walk to Cathy and get an ice cream and go to Owen road and give her a surprise. But then I stopped in my tracks. I wondered if he had the same thoughts, worst still I wondered if he was there with her.
I msged her asking her if she would be meeting him after tuition She replied no, he got her van. Then she is going to sch. I was like oh, ok. nvm then. As I walking towards the bus stop to take a bus home, I realised that I read the msg wrongly! She said no. That means that she is going to school alone. I msged her again to double check if she would be going to school alone and she said yup. I was elated. I dashed to city hall MRT station to embark on my plan.
I had 30mins to complete my mission so I thought ok, enough time. When I reached Cathay I thought ok la, one level of queue. When I went up I was shocked. The queue starts from the 3rd level. I looked at my watch I knew I was late. I msged her asking to wait for me. So after 20mins of waiting I got my ice cream! chocolate fudge brownie! YAY! I dashed to find a cab.
So I walked out and tried to get a cab. No cab. The ice cream was melting and its going to overflow soon. I tried to wipe them away, but some still manage to drip. I saw a cab in the taxi stand and I went for it. The uncle ask me was I in the queue and I said no. So I gave up the cab to a group that just reach the taxi stand. Darn... my ice cream is melting like mad. In a minute or so another cab came. Thank GOD! I told the uncle Race course road near Owen road there. He replied ok, boy, please don't drip your ice cream in my cab. I was like ok, ok.
So when I reach there, my ice cream looked super disgusting already. I was quite sad, cos the nice surprise looked like shit. So she came and find me. And I presented my melted yucks looking ice cream. She was surprise. She ate whatever was left of the now ice cream. I was happy. I think I'm being crazy but I don't care. I was happy.
I hope that the act is sweet enough for her though the ice cream look like shit. I'm rash and mad. But I really would do anything to surprise her and make her happy.
Daddy let me go pick mummy up with him and alex. He didn't make alot of noise so I believe soon I'll get to have the car on my own :)
i'm glad i did it. its definitely worth everything i am
I went to the club to exercise today and after swimming I was in City Hall and I saw many people holding ice cream cones. I wondered what day is it today? Why is everyone holding an ice cream cone. Then the answer hit me. ITS BEN AND JERRY'S FREE CONE DAY!
Instinctively I wanted to take the MRT to Dhoby Ghuat station and walk to Cathy and get an ice cream and go to Owen road and give her a surprise. But then I stopped in my tracks. I wondered if he had the same thoughts, worst still I wondered if he was there with her.
I msged her asking her if she would be meeting him after tuition She replied no, he got her van. Then she is going to sch. I was like oh, ok. nvm then. As I walking towards the bus stop to take a bus home, I realised that I read the msg wrongly! She said no. That means that she is going to school alone. I msged her again to double check if she would be going to school alone and she said yup. I was elated. I dashed to city hall MRT station to embark on my plan.
I had 30mins to complete my mission so I thought ok, enough time. When I reached Cathay I thought ok la, one level of queue. When I went up I was shocked. The queue starts from the 3rd level. I looked at my watch I knew I was late. I msged her asking to wait for me. So after 20mins of waiting I got my ice cream! chocolate fudge brownie! YAY! I dashed to find a cab.
So I walked out and tried to get a cab. No cab. The ice cream was melting and its going to overflow soon. I tried to wipe them away, but some still manage to drip. I saw a cab in the taxi stand and I went for it. The uncle ask me was I in the queue and I said no. So I gave up the cab to a group that just reach the taxi stand. Darn... my ice cream is melting like mad. In a minute or so another cab came. Thank GOD! I told the uncle Race course road near Owen road there. He replied ok, boy, please don't drip your ice cream in my cab. I was like ok, ok.
So when I reach there, my ice cream looked super disgusting already. I was quite sad, cos the nice surprise looked like shit. So she came and find me. And I presented my melted yucks looking ice cream. She was surprise. She ate whatever was left of the now ice cream. I was happy. I think I'm being crazy but I don't care. I was happy.
I hope that the act is sweet enough for her though the ice cream look like shit. I'm rash and mad. But I really would do anything to surprise her and make her happy.
Daddy let me go pick mummy up with him and alex. He didn't make alot of noise so I believe soon I'll get to have the car on my own :)
i'm glad i did it. its definitely worth everything i am
Even when I'm asleep I dream of you
We were talking on the phone last night and she told me that she feels that talking to me would help me as opposed to not talking to me at all. She feels that by talking to me it would keep me sane and humane and not become self destructive and violent. I told her she was right. But we too address that, if we continue this, the feelings I have for her will always be there.
In a usual case, I think both parties usually give each other the cold war treatment for a long time and as time go by both would not feel anything more for each other. This might help, but I think it wont for me. I would always have that space in my heart for her. Now I'm trying to keep our relationship healthy by reminding myself that she is my best friend. Yes, if anyone ask me do I like her I would admit. Deep down inside I do. But for all the general people who needs to know is that we are best friends.
While we were chatting she suddenly said that she felt like the perfect one for me. I responded with a ya. I mean unless there is another like her, I wont want to get into a relationship. Its funny that she said that, but I was glad when she said it.
I dreamt that I was in a council with the elders and pastors of the church being trialled for this issue. I cant remember the details but I was just yelling away at them why cant I, its not like they're married. Besides you don't know the full story. And of course they were yelling back at me. It was so chaotic that I just woke up feeling angry and mad.
I guess in God's eyes, human feelings aren't good enough grounds. I might feel like she is the one for me ultimately but if He doesn't allow because its not according to His will, no matter what happen, He will say no to prevent me from walking into my own path of destruction.
i know you care, thank you
In a usual case, I think both parties usually give each other the cold war treatment for a long time and as time go by both would not feel anything more for each other. This might help, but I think it wont for me. I would always have that space in my heart for her. Now I'm trying to keep our relationship healthy by reminding myself that she is my best friend. Yes, if anyone ask me do I like her I would admit. Deep down inside I do. But for all the general people who needs to know is that we are best friends.
While we were chatting she suddenly said that she felt like the perfect one for me. I responded with a ya. I mean unless there is another like her, I wont want to get into a relationship. Its funny that she said that, but I was glad when she said it.
I dreamt that I was in a council with the elders and pastors of the church being trialled for this issue. I cant remember the details but I was just yelling away at them why cant I, its not like they're married. Besides you don't know the full story. And of course they were yelling back at me. It was so chaotic that I just woke up feeling angry and mad.
I guess in God's eyes, human feelings aren't good enough grounds. I might feel like she is the one for me ultimately but if He doesn't allow because its not according to His will, no matter what happen, He will say no to prevent me from walking into my own path of destruction.
i know you care, thank you
Monday, April 16, 2007
Some fairytale story
I don't know what to type or what to write. I'm just happy because I talked to her for more than 2 hours on the phone :) I read her old blog from the first entry all the way to the last. Now I know a little more about her and I still like her.
I'm not angry with God over the fact that He isn't allowing me to be with her. I know her fears and I know that its real. I just hope that my fairytale story would come true. I know I wont stop loving her, even in years to come, even when I'm married and all. 25% of this heart would remain hers and hers only. It might increase depending on what happens in the future but it'll NEVER decrease. I'm very sure about that.
It is very true what my sister val said to me, " its also the feelings she gives. someone can possess all these qualities. but the feeling may not be there as well. " I'm glad she understood what I felt. That was exactly it. There might be another girl who is pretty and whose character is just like her. But even if I like her, she might not like me. Or even if I manage to win her heart, it just isn't the same. The feelings involved just isn't the same.
I really don't know. Sometimes I wish in 5 years time, when things are settled, I can go to her and propose and then get married. The only thing that is holding me back is God. What is life going to be like? I wanna just be done with NS and go to Australia to study. I cant wait to learn more about being a sound engineer.
I'm still young? perhaps. But I really do want a long courtship. Why? cause I think there are lots of beautiful memories in courtships. Besides the journey of getting to know a person more and more is really exciting. And when it ends up in marriage, its a nice climax to a sweet ending of courtship and a new beginning of a life together. That is what I wish my life to be like with her.
i wish i am a writer...
i wanna write her cinderella story
I'm not angry with God over the fact that He isn't allowing me to be with her. I know her fears and I know that its real. I just hope that my fairytale story would come true. I know I wont stop loving her, even in years to come, even when I'm married and all. 25% of this heart would remain hers and hers only. It might increase depending on what happens in the future but it'll NEVER decrease. I'm very sure about that.
It is very true what my sister val said to me, " its also the feelings she gives. someone can possess all these qualities. but the feeling may not be there as well. " I'm glad she understood what I felt. That was exactly it. There might be another girl who is pretty and whose character is just like her. But even if I like her, she might not like me. Or even if I manage to win her heart, it just isn't the same. The feelings involved just isn't the same.
I really don't know. Sometimes I wish in 5 years time, when things are settled, I can go to her and propose and then get married. The only thing that is holding me back is God. What is life going to be like? I wanna just be done with NS and go to Australia to study. I cant wait to learn more about being a sound engineer.
I'm still young? perhaps. But I really do want a long courtship. Why? cause I think there are lots of beautiful memories in courtships. Besides the journey of getting to know a person more and more is really exciting. And when it ends up in marriage, its a nice climax to a sweet ending of courtship and a new beginning of a life together. That is what I wish my life to be like with her.
i wish i am a writer...
i wanna write her cinderella story
Long tiring day...
There are many self help books like "How to keep your day happy" kinda stuff out there in bookstores but I know my remedy. Yes that is her. Talking to her every morning and night is a good start to the day and a good end to any day.
It has been a long day for me. I woke up at 6.30am on sun morn and I just got home now. I went to the airport with the gang to pick Sherman up. He just came back from Perth.
This is a usual sun of me going to church early cause I'm playing the guitar and then went for YABF, then YABF committee meeting. After the meeting I went to Hui Juan's place, cook dinner, came home for 15mins then out again with the gang. I am tired. But I'm happy.
It was fun cooking at Hui Juan's place. We have many chefs there, Joel, Hui Juan, Lee Cher and myself. I just helped out in the preparation and abit of cooking and grilling. Well I must say thanks to the many hands, we were actually very fast. We watched The Last Samurai while having dinner. I loved that show.
So after dinner, I came home, left my bag down, talked to her on msn and then went out again. I think the best time of the day for me today was talking to her. I talked to her for 52.56mins on my HANDPHONE! taking that per min its 20cents, I have spent SGD$10.51, which means I'm going to get nagged soon. But I think its fine with me. I really dont mind being nagged at and all in exchange to talk to her.
She said that for me to be angry with him is childish and she is very disappointed with me. I agree. He hasn't done anything wrong and besides I'm the one at fault. Well, if this is childish, I don't mind being childish then. I just like you too much. In fact, I wont be angry with the guy if it was someone else. Someone who can give you a better life. Someone who can actually give you more than just love. I don't wanna see you suffer. Instead of being a beautiful tai tai, you become a huang nian po. I DON'T WISH TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS.
Oh well, I cant stop talking to her. We just have too much to talk about to each other. Random and all its still nice. She is really very adorable. Love her to bits. I can just be like this all the way, loving and caring her with out the closeness of being a couple. Why? its the relationship that I treasure. I try as much as I can not to ignore her unless there are certain people around. Other than that I treat her very well in fact :D
I think I'm beginning to have fun hanging out with the the gang and they have accepted me as one of them. I only started going out with them so often and so long in the past few weeks so I'm glad that they have accepted me. They take alot of things off my mind too. We just hang out act stupid and have fun :)
I thought of something today. I thought that its really interesting. I know my life and how it is. I mean I know what kinda life I wanna live and what I wanna do cause I know generally what God wants me to do. So I'm wondering why does God put her in my life yet not allow me to be with her?
She has all that I need as a wife. Someone very capable and with the qualities I'm looking for in a wife. Not only that, God has given us feelings for one another yet because of God we cant be together. If I am sad or regret of anything, I only feel sad and regret that she cant be part of my life. Not that its very glamourous or anything, but with her it looks complete. I almost cried saying that. My heart did, but I couldn't cause there were people around. My dear sister val said this when I told her about this. She said, " You must not cry. You're a boy and you must be strong." I'm not crying cause I'm trying to be strong. But I really do feel this pain and sadness of not being able to share my life with her when I really really so do wish to.
so many times i've type this words,
but today i'll still tell the world.
i wish for no any other girl,
just a girl exactly like her.
It has been a long day for me. I woke up at 6.30am on sun morn and I just got home now. I went to the airport with the gang to pick Sherman up. He just came back from Perth.
This is a usual sun of me going to church early cause I'm playing the guitar and then went for YABF, then YABF committee meeting. After the meeting I went to Hui Juan's place, cook dinner, came home for 15mins then out again with the gang. I am tired. But I'm happy.
It was fun cooking at Hui Juan's place. We have many chefs there, Joel, Hui Juan, Lee Cher and myself. I just helped out in the preparation and abit of cooking and grilling. Well I must say thanks to the many hands, we were actually very fast. We watched The Last Samurai while having dinner. I loved that show.
So after dinner, I came home, left my bag down, talked to her on msn and then went out again. I think the best time of the day for me today was talking to her. I talked to her for 52.56mins on my HANDPHONE! taking that per min its 20cents, I have spent SGD$10.51, which means I'm going to get nagged soon. But I think its fine with me. I really dont mind being nagged at and all in exchange to talk to her.
She said that for me to be angry with him is childish and she is very disappointed with me. I agree. He hasn't done anything wrong and besides I'm the one at fault. Well, if this is childish, I don't mind being childish then. I just like you too much. In fact, I wont be angry with the guy if it was someone else. Someone who can give you a better life. Someone who can actually give you more than just love. I don't wanna see you suffer. Instead of being a beautiful tai tai, you become a huang nian po. I DON'T WISH TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS.
Oh well, I cant stop talking to her. We just have too much to talk about to each other. Random and all its still nice. She is really very adorable. Love her to bits. I can just be like this all the way, loving and caring her with out the closeness of being a couple. Why? its the relationship that I treasure. I try as much as I can not to ignore her unless there are certain people around. Other than that I treat her very well in fact :D
I think I'm beginning to have fun hanging out with the the gang and they have accepted me as one of them. I only started going out with them so often and so long in the past few weeks so I'm glad that they have accepted me. They take alot of things off my mind too. We just hang out act stupid and have fun :)
I thought of something today. I thought that its really interesting. I know my life and how it is. I mean I know what kinda life I wanna live and what I wanna do cause I know generally what God wants me to do. So I'm wondering why does God put her in my life yet not allow me to be with her?
She has all that I need as a wife. Someone very capable and with the qualities I'm looking for in a wife. Not only that, God has given us feelings for one another yet because of God we cant be together. If I am sad or regret of anything, I only feel sad and regret that she cant be part of my life. Not that its very glamourous or anything, but with her it looks complete. I almost cried saying that. My heart did, but I couldn't cause there were people around. My dear sister val said this when I told her about this. She said, " You must not cry. You're a boy and you must be strong." I'm not crying cause I'm trying to be strong. But I really do feel this pain and sadness of not being able to share my life with her when I really really so do wish to.
so many times i've type this words,
but today i'll still tell the world.
i wish for no any other girl,
just a girl exactly like her.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
I wish to be with someone like her
Last night I had a great time talking to her. Well, its not only last night, but its really nice talking to her most of the time. Though she cant see me, I'm smiling while talking to her. She is really very nice.
ps: Lord, I know you see this, please let the girl in your will for me be someone like her. Need not be better, just as like her would be very fine already. Any better would be grace upon grace. But Lord please allow me to have a girl like her.
We talked for quite long, about 3 hrs. We were talking on msn earlier, but her internet had some problems and she couldn't get online. I tried calling her phone but it was busy so I guess she must be on the line with someone. I msged her to call me later when she is done. But after quite a long while I thought she might not call me already but in the end she did. What a pleasant surprise.
I think I cant keep things from her. She has a way to make me say things out. I wanted to keep the price of the bear from her, but in the end I confessed the whole buying process. She is super shocked at the price of the bear. Yes its very expensive. The single most expensive present I have ever bought for a girl. This bear cost SGD$79.90
She says that it isn't too bad to have 25% of my heart. The dividend pay out is super good. In one month she received a SGD$42 bottle of Vodka Black, The Swedish 100th Anniversary Bottle and a SGD$79.90 Russ bear aka Me-To-You, Miranda Bear. Yes dear girl, you're worth it all even though my bank account now shows reds.
Poor girl buang her LGV today. She didn't know that the roof of the carpark was very low and she dented the top of the van, near the window area of the back door. She called me and complain after she got out of the van. She is so adorable. She kept whining but I really didn't know how to help comfort her except to listen to her whining. I wished I knew how to settle the dent.
She accompanied me while I was traveling to church by talking on the phone with me. She is so nice :) It was raining heavily and I told her it must be because I was talking to her. Well, only the Lord knows why. But anyway, she was having menses and she told me her tummy wasn't feeling good. I told her to hug bear bear, he'll make her feel better. I was trying to think of something to help her. Too bad I wasn't with her. I think I'll do anything to make her feel better. Poor girl, if only I can do something more for her.
Today's practise in church is horrible. To me at least it was. I feel so useless behind the guitar not being able to do anything. The acoustic guitar pissed me off and I refused to use it. I'll me using the line6 electric guitar tomorrow. Anyway, with that changed, the entire music and worship environment was still not very good. Some songs were ok, but there were many that were not. I tried to help build up but it just sounded like shit. I really don't know what is wrong. I hope after studying in SAE - Byron Bay, Queensland, I'll be able to come back and help rectify the problems. I was so worked up I called her to talk and hear her voice.I felt much better after :)
Went to granny's place for dinner. THERE WAS FABULOUS fat food. That is the problem with granny's place. Good home cook food, but some stuffs are fatty. We'll I controlled my diet. Less carbo, more veggies moderate amount of meat, took off the skin, took off the fats. I hope this helps. I'm going to exercise regularly next week onwards.
I thought I might be able to drive today, but nope, daddy did not allow. Reason, raining. Gosh, BAD EXCUSE DADDY! bad excuse. but nevermind. one day, I will get the car. Just one fine day.
She is probably playing mahjong now. Hope she is having fun and winning some cash. She says she needs to start getting into her tai tai lifestyle. haha?! :P I don't mind being unlucky so that she will be lucky.
I'm feeling sleepy now, its an early long day tomorrow. And she too. We need strength that comes from above Lord!
star light, star bright, the first star i see tonight.
i wish i may, i wish i might, grant my wish i wish tonight.
ps: Lord, I know you see this, please let the girl in your will for me be someone like her. Need not be better, just as like her would be very fine already. Any better would be grace upon grace. But Lord please allow me to have a girl like her.
We talked for quite long, about 3 hrs. We were talking on msn earlier, but her internet had some problems and she couldn't get online. I tried calling her phone but it was busy so I guess she must be on the line with someone. I msged her to call me later when she is done. But after quite a long while I thought she might not call me already but in the end she did. What a pleasant surprise.
I think I cant keep things from her. She has a way to make me say things out. I wanted to keep the price of the bear from her, but in the end I confessed the whole buying process. She is super shocked at the price of the bear. Yes its very expensive. The single most expensive present I have ever bought for a girl. This bear cost SGD$79.90
She says that it isn't too bad to have 25% of my heart. The dividend pay out is super good. In one month she received a SGD$42 bottle of Vodka Black, The Swedish 100th Anniversary Bottle and a SGD$79.90 Russ bear aka Me-To-You, Miranda Bear. Yes dear girl, you're worth it all even though my bank account now shows reds.
Poor girl buang her LGV today. She didn't know that the roof of the carpark was very low and she dented the top of the van, near the window area of the back door. She called me and complain after she got out of the van. She is so adorable. She kept whining but I really didn't know how to help comfort her except to listen to her whining. I wished I knew how to settle the dent.
She accompanied me while I was traveling to church by talking on the phone with me. She is so nice :) It was raining heavily and I told her it must be because I was talking to her. Well, only the Lord knows why. But anyway, she was having menses and she told me her tummy wasn't feeling good. I told her to hug bear bear, he'll make her feel better. I was trying to think of something to help her. Too bad I wasn't with her. I think I'll do anything to make her feel better. Poor girl, if only I can do something more for her.
Today's practise in church is horrible. To me at least it was. I feel so useless behind the guitar not being able to do anything. The acoustic guitar pissed me off and I refused to use it. I'll me using the line6 electric guitar tomorrow. Anyway, with that changed, the entire music and worship environment was still not very good. Some songs were ok, but there were many that were not. I tried to help build up but it just sounded like shit. I really don't know what is wrong. I hope after studying in SAE - Byron Bay, Queensland, I'll be able to come back and help rectify the problems. I was so worked up I called her to talk and hear her voice.I felt much better after :)
Went to granny's place for dinner. THERE WAS FABULOUS fat food. That is the problem with granny's place. Good home cook food, but some stuffs are fatty. We'll I controlled my diet. Less carbo, more veggies moderate amount of meat, took off the skin, took off the fats. I hope this helps. I'm going to exercise regularly next week onwards.
I thought I might be able to drive today, but nope, daddy did not allow. Reason, raining. Gosh, BAD EXCUSE DADDY! bad excuse. but nevermind. one day, I will get the car. Just one fine day.
She is probably playing mahjong now. Hope she is having fun and winning some cash. She says she needs to start getting into her tai tai lifestyle. haha?! :P I don't mind being unlucky so that she will be lucky.
I'm feeling sleepy now, its an early long day tomorrow. And she too. We need strength that comes from above Lord!
star light, star bright, the first star i see tonight.
i wish i may, i wish i might, grant my wish i wish tonight.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Broken piece
The boy wonders what he wants to do with the broken piece. He doesn't wanna force the piece into the missing slot because it'll be painful. But nonetheless he wishes that it will be part of his life. Jigsaw puzzles aren't his strong point. He tried to be happy and smile. But He can't wear a mask well. Nope he cannot. If he is not feeling good, he'll show it to your face.
The broken piece, he often wonders, how then it can co-exist in his life. If accepting the facts is the only way, then I guess that wont happen. What if he stays in his dream? The broken piece is single and is his best friend. Would that be better? Maybe, if he was blind that would have worked. But no, he isn't. He is too observant and he has eyes for details. No this might not work out but then again it might.
Or maybe he should accept the fact. Live with the fact and just be best friends. Well maybe his idea of a best friend is to hangout all the time and do crazy stuffs together. But hanging out means seeing things. So how? He's in a dilemma. Maybe, he'll just hangout once in a while. And whenever his best friend can afford the time then they can do stuffs they want? A solution? perhaps.
He is quite devastated now to do anything. He just need to let loose and drive fast.
he's looking for an angel to fit the slot of the missing piece.
The broken piece, he often wonders, how then it can co-exist in his life. If accepting the facts is the only way, then I guess that wont happen. What if he stays in his dream? The broken piece is single and is his best friend. Would that be better? Maybe, if he was blind that would have worked. But no, he isn't. He is too observant and he has eyes for details. No this might not work out but then again it might.
Or maybe he should accept the fact. Live with the fact and just be best friends. Well maybe his idea of a best friend is to hangout all the time and do crazy stuffs together. But hanging out means seeing things. So how? He's in a dilemma. Maybe, he'll just hangout once in a while. And whenever his best friend can afford the time then they can do stuffs they want? A solution? perhaps.
He is quite devastated now to do anything. He just need to let loose and drive fast.
he's looking for an angel to fit the slot of the missing piece.
Missing Pieces
I'm concentrating piecing my life together. There is a missing piece and a broken piece. The broken piece fits into the missing piece but its painful trying to force it in. Taking it away makes my life looks in complete. So its either endure the pain or just leave my life with a hole.
The master painter looks at it and wonders when they boy will let him paint the missing piece. The boy on the other hand keeps praying that the master painter will fit the missing piece as soon as possible. But only the master painter knows best. Only He will decide when.
The boy is broken. From that hole in his life melodies of her springs forth. The boy wants to move on. But he loved those sweet memories. He wished to be blind. He doesn't wanna see things that will hurt. The broken piece was all he wanted. But its ugly and painful to force that piece in.
So what would the boy do? He doesn't know himself. He's been crying out to the master painter, but there is no answer yet. He fills the missing piece with songs he writes, sealed with memories of her scent. That's all he has left, mixed with sweet memories.
the boy is struggling through life. he wanna smile, but its hard
The master painter looks at it and wonders when they boy will let him paint the missing piece. The boy on the other hand keeps praying that the master painter will fit the missing piece as soon as possible. But only the master painter knows best. Only He will decide when.
The boy is broken. From that hole in his life melodies of her springs forth. The boy wants to move on. But he loved those sweet memories. He wished to be blind. He doesn't wanna see things that will hurt. The broken piece was all he wanted. But its ugly and painful to force that piece in.
So what would the boy do? He doesn't know himself. He's been crying out to the master painter, but there is no answer yet. He fills the missing piece with songs he writes, sealed with memories of her scent. That's all he has left, mixed with sweet memories.
the boy is struggling through life. he wanna smile, but its hard
I've seen Brave people
I just came back from a night of fun!
Firstly we met up for BOWLING! yes, I'm not a very good bowler, avg of 90+ but tonight was my lucky night. The first game I had 100 points. I thought not bad what, 3 digits. Then came the second game, I had 97. I thought thats it, its downhill game from here. But suddenly these crazy friends of mine decided that we'll have a competition. 4 vs 4, total team score. I didn't know that there was a bet going on in the back so I just tried to play my A-game (this means getting into the mood and mindset to play well). I had a strike on the first frame. and then the second frame. and the third frame. XXX. I FREAKING GOT A TURKEY LA! I never thought I was actually that good. The other team after hearing I got a turkey came over and said,"Vin ar, I know the losing team treat supper but don't like that leh, very pressurising leh!" I told them I did not know of the bet, I just wanted to play well. My team mates were saying like, eh Vin try perfect game leh. I replied with, I try la. But the fourth, fifth and six frames, I noobed up. But on the 7th frame onwards I picked up again and ended with a score of 148. My score could take on 2 players on the other team. I was so happy man. Best game of bowling I had for a long time.
So we went for supper. They wanted to treat my team supper, as the bet that was agreed on but I decided not to eat, so they treat my drink and some side dishes that we were sharing.
After eating it was still quite early. No one wanted to go back. So we decided to hangout for awhile more. One of us suggested going to play street soccer at Bishan. Since no one was against it, we went. The street soccer court was occupied. Yes at 2.30am it was OCCUPIED! So we went to the fitness station nearby to entertain ourselves.
Ok we played a very lame game, but this game test your bravery. There is this ladder like thing and we had to put our face as close as possible to it. someone will throw the soccer ball at it from a distance of about 6 foot. The soccer ball is just about the same size as the gap in the ladder. One of our friend was damn brave and damn suay. 3 times he stood there, 3 times he was hit and 3 times he didn't move. Firstly he was the first to try and on the first shot, he got headshot! After a few rounds, he got hit again by another player, this time stomach. Just before we ended the game, he got hit again. This time the groin. He knelt down crying. The last shot was taken by the same first player. All he wanted to do was blast the ball hard cause he didn't believe that guy at the ladder was so brave that he wont move when the ball is being thrown with such great strength. Lo and behold, the ball went through the lower frame of the ladder and hit the guy's groin. He really teared la. The ball was thrown so damn hard! I think they wanna try it again. I'll make sure to make myself scarce.
Before we left, someone wanted to try hitting the ball damn hard against the ladder. He wanted to hear the metal ring. So everyone moved away and he threw the ball. It hit the ladder, flew backwards into the canal behind. It was hilarious. Here we just had a victim who suffered 3 hits of the ball and now another one have to climb down the canal to retrieve the floating ball. It was damn funny. He went down, and shouted, "OMG! Its very slippery. He had to stop a few times to steady himself. The ball was floating towards a deeper end of the canal so we ask him to hurry up and try to get to the ball. Thankfully the water level wasn't too high, about calf deep and he managed to get the ball.
This has been the craziest night I have experience going out with them. I hope next time it'll be just as fun.
Just a note: sorry girl. I didn't mean to like not talk to you. But as I've explained over our short conversation, it was a bit hard tonight. Hope you'll have fun with him later.
you were in my head all the while, i didn't exactly forgot about you while i was having fun
Firstly we met up for BOWLING! yes, I'm not a very good bowler, avg of 90+ but tonight was my lucky night. The first game I had 100 points. I thought not bad what, 3 digits. Then came the second game, I had 97. I thought thats it, its downhill game from here. But suddenly these crazy friends of mine decided that we'll have a competition. 4 vs 4, total team score. I didn't know that there was a bet going on in the back so I just tried to play my A-game (this means getting into the mood and mindset to play well). I had a strike on the first frame. and then the second frame. and the third frame. XXX. I FREAKING GOT A TURKEY LA! I never thought I was actually that good. The other team after hearing I got a turkey came over and said,"Vin ar, I know the losing team treat supper but don't like that leh, very pressurising leh!" I told them I did not know of the bet, I just wanted to play well. My team mates were saying like, eh Vin try perfect game leh. I replied with, I try la. But the fourth, fifth and six frames, I noobed up. But on the 7th frame onwards I picked up again and ended with a score of 148. My score could take on 2 players on the other team. I was so happy man. Best game of bowling I had for a long time.
So we went for supper. They wanted to treat my team supper, as the bet that was agreed on but I decided not to eat, so they treat my drink and some side dishes that we were sharing.
After eating it was still quite early. No one wanted to go back. So we decided to hangout for awhile more. One of us suggested going to play street soccer at Bishan. Since no one was against it, we went. The street soccer court was occupied. Yes at 2.30am it was OCCUPIED! So we went to the fitness station nearby to entertain ourselves.
Ok we played a very lame game, but this game test your bravery. There is this ladder like thing and we had to put our face as close as possible to it. someone will throw the soccer ball at it from a distance of about 6 foot. The soccer ball is just about the same size as the gap in the ladder. One of our friend was damn brave and damn suay. 3 times he stood there, 3 times he was hit and 3 times he didn't move. Firstly he was the first to try and on the first shot, he got headshot! After a few rounds, he got hit again by another player, this time stomach. Just before we ended the game, he got hit again. This time the groin. He knelt down crying. The last shot was taken by the same first player. All he wanted to do was blast the ball hard cause he didn't believe that guy at the ladder was so brave that he wont move when the ball is being thrown with such great strength. Lo and behold, the ball went through the lower frame of the ladder and hit the guy's groin. He really teared la. The ball was thrown so damn hard! I think they wanna try it again. I'll make sure to make myself scarce.
Before we left, someone wanted to try hitting the ball damn hard against the ladder. He wanted to hear the metal ring. So everyone moved away and he threw the ball. It hit the ladder, flew backwards into the canal behind. It was hilarious. Here we just had a victim who suffered 3 hits of the ball and now another one have to climb down the canal to retrieve the floating ball. It was damn funny. He went down, and shouted, "OMG! Its very slippery. He had to stop a few times to steady himself. The ball was floating towards a deeper end of the canal so we ask him to hurry up and try to get to the ball. Thankfully the water level wasn't too high, about calf deep and he managed to get the ball.
This has been the craziest night I have experience going out with them. I hope next time it'll be just as fun.
Just a note: sorry girl. I didn't mean to like not talk to you. But as I've explained over our short conversation, it was a bit hard tonight. Hope you'll have fun with him later.
you were in my head all the while, i didn't exactly forgot about you while i was having fun
Thursday, April 12, 2007
It rained and rained
This kinda always happens when I'm going to meet her. It was raining when I met her, leave her for home or something to do with her. Today was no exception as I went out with her.
Let me back track a little here. Yesterday was actually eventful cause I went to town to get the teddy bear for her. Yes I bought her a me-to-you bear. It blew my budget and my bank account, but it was worth every penny. I did not regret getting it. And so now, imagine me, carrying a guitar and a bag walking into a departmental shop in town walking to the section where all the girls were crowding, saying "sorry, excuse me", making sure my bag or guitar did not hit anything off the racks. Looking at me-to-you bears and choosing one of them. Then walking to the cashier and paying for the bear. I guess that might have been a weird sight. Even the cashier paused and looked at me for second before actually proceeding with the payment process.
So I carried my guitar, my bag and the bear in a shopping bag and walked to take a bus to church. Man, I carried everything to church and it is heavy. Not the bear, the guitar was. I had to hide the bear in my bag so that the people I'm meeting in church wont ask anything. Last night I was really excited to tell her but I did my best to shut up. And I'm glad I did.
SO, I was very excited and happy to go out with her today. She looked pretty as usual, I sometimes wonder if I'm lucky to go out with a pretty girl like her, or unfortunate not to be with her. I rather look on the the brighter side of life. I'm lucky to go out with a pretty girl like her. I wanna be happy :) My pretty girl will come along soon, I hope.
Yes I got moody today, for a short while cause she was wearing back her ring. Well I got affect a bit la. Didn't want to admit that I know she is moving on. I'm selfish I know. But I really do like you. As we went to catch the movie, I really thought that I might fall for you again. But I managed to muster my feelings. I just cared for you as a friend.
The show was good. I quite like it though it was CHEESY! but its a good comedy. Nice and funny. The movie made me happy. It kinda told me something."Your future would be fine, just keep moving forward." I hope I can move forward. Slowly put her out of my mind. Care for her but know my limits. Show her love, but also within limits.
I hope she like the bear. I hope she had fun today. I hope she's happy. I hope we can go out again like this.
im now smiling and smiling. you made my day, thank you girl.
Let me back track a little here. Yesterday was actually eventful cause I went to town to get the teddy bear for her. Yes I bought her a me-to-you bear. It blew my budget and my bank account, but it was worth every penny. I did not regret getting it. And so now, imagine me, carrying a guitar and a bag walking into a departmental shop in town walking to the section where all the girls were crowding, saying "sorry, excuse me", making sure my bag or guitar did not hit anything off the racks. Looking at me-to-you bears and choosing one of them. Then walking to the cashier and paying for the bear. I guess that might have been a weird sight. Even the cashier paused and looked at me for second before actually proceeding with the payment process.
So I carried my guitar, my bag and the bear in a shopping bag and walked to take a bus to church. Man, I carried everything to church and it is heavy. Not the bear, the guitar was. I had to hide the bear in my bag so that the people I'm meeting in church wont ask anything. Last night I was really excited to tell her but I did my best to shut up. And I'm glad I did.
SO, I was very excited and happy to go out with her today. She looked pretty as usual, I sometimes wonder if I'm lucky to go out with a pretty girl like her, or unfortunate not to be with her. I rather look on the the brighter side of life. I'm lucky to go out with a pretty girl like her. I wanna be happy :) My pretty girl will come along soon, I hope.
Yes I got moody today, for a short while cause she was wearing back her ring. Well I got affect a bit la. Didn't want to admit that I know she is moving on. I'm selfish I know. But I really do like you. As we went to catch the movie, I really thought that I might fall for you again. But I managed to muster my feelings. I just cared for you as a friend.
The show was good. I quite like it though it was CHEESY! but its a good comedy. Nice and funny. The movie made me happy. It kinda told me something."Your future would be fine, just keep moving forward." I hope I can move forward. Slowly put her out of my mind. Care for her but know my limits. Show her love, but also within limits.
I hope she like the bear. I hope she had fun today. I hope she's happy. I hope we can go out again like this.
im now smiling and smiling. you made my day, thank you girl.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
What a day...
I woke up super late today and everything went super slowly. I just stayed at home until like 4pm+ then I went out. Carrying my guitar and my bag I look like a run away musician. Nothing eventful on my trip out today. Perhaps seeing a girl on the bus that somewhat looked like her. But still if you count that eventful, then ya. Its the only that happened.
As I look at her, through the webcam that is, I am very sure she is what I want in a girlfriend. I can see myself being with someone like her. Just that she isn't the one. Oh God, I dont understand what you are doing. I'm so really envious of him. Ok, I wont rattle about him, it'll come to no good.
As I was talking to her on the phone, I told her I'll give her my blessing with him. She said, have you finally thought through about it? I was like no. It isn't that. I have no choice. I cant be holding on to something I cannot have. He is no fool to give what he cannot keep - a verse in the bible. I'm really sad. So sad I think I cant describe it.
Now I don't know why I don't wanna call her. I don't know why I cant find anything to say to her. I know its not that I don't want to, but I just cant. I want to talk to her. I wanna hear her voice but I don't know what to say. Ok, maybe I'll try to talk to her. I know my feelings affect her and I'll try to be happy. I'm not posting this now (10.19pm) I'll do it later. Don't want her to read and feel affected. Not now at least.
I know you have moved on. I don't even hope that you'll hold anymore feelings for me. Maybe I just don't know to be happy around you sometimes.
Girl, its hard for me to put all these feelings aside. I pray that you'll be patient with me. You're all that I wanted and to give it up is just like asking me to do the impossible. I'm sorry.
As usual, you make me smile and cry...
As I look at her, through the webcam that is, I am very sure she is what I want in a girlfriend. I can see myself being with someone like her. Just that she isn't the one. Oh God, I dont understand what you are doing. I'm so really envious of him. Ok, I wont rattle about him, it'll come to no good.
As I was talking to her on the phone, I told her I'll give her my blessing with him. She said, have you finally thought through about it? I was like no. It isn't that. I have no choice. I cant be holding on to something I cannot have. He is no fool to give what he cannot keep - a verse in the bible. I'm really sad. So sad I think I cant describe it.
Now I don't know why I don't wanna call her. I don't know why I cant find anything to say to her. I know its not that I don't want to, but I just cant. I want to talk to her. I wanna hear her voice but I don't know what to say. Ok, maybe I'll try to talk to her. I know my feelings affect her and I'll try to be happy. I'm not posting this now (10.19pm) I'll do it later. Don't want her to read and feel affected. Not now at least.
I know you have moved on. I don't even hope that you'll hold anymore feelings for me. Maybe I just don't know to be happy around you sometimes.
Girl, its hard for me to put all these feelings aside. I pray that you'll be patient with me. You're all that I wanted and to give it up is just like asking me to do the impossible. I'm sorry.
As usual, you make me smile and cry...
Addiction, Cure, Medication?
I just finished talking to her. Its the best thing that happens to me at the start of my everyday. I hope I can do it everyday for as long as I can.
I'm addicted to talking to her. Really. We can go on and on and on talking about various random stuffs and still have a lot to say. Its really fun talking to her very very fun in fact. I used to hate whines. If any girl whined at me I probably dont care or even ask them to shut up. But when she does it, I would want to give in to whatever she was whining about. Its kinda cute the way she does it. I dont know. BIAS you may shout, but yes I think I am.
I really wonder if she is my cure to insanity. I'm a much happier person after talking to her. I wont bother to associate her with him in my thoughts. I just keep her as her in my head. Whatever else I don't need to know. It brings about less misery and crazy thoughts. I just have to keep within my limits and the fine line of best friend and girl friend. I hate that reminder, but its very necessary to keep myself safe from the wrath of God.
I know she isn't my long term cure. I'm still waiting for my angel to come by and take my pain away. but now she is like morphine to a patient in pain. A medication which I kinda need regularly. Yup, I think I do. Hearing her voice at night, knowing that she is safe at home, knowing that she sound asleep in her room is an assurance to me. I become hyper talking her. As I wait for my angel, I wanna be her guardian angel too. I'll go and save her NO MATTER what happens.
as i wait upon my angel to come to me...
i will be an angel to protect thee...
I'm addicted to talking to her. Really. We can go on and on and on talking about various random stuffs and still have a lot to say. Its really fun talking to her very very fun in fact. I used to hate whines. If any girl whined at me I probably dont care or even ask them to shut up. But when she does it, I would want to give in to whatever she was whining about. Its kinda cute the way she does it. I dont know. BIAS you may shout, but yes I think I am.
I really wonder if she is my cure to insanity. I'm a much happier person after talking to her. I wont bother to associate her with him in my thoughts. I just keep her as her in my head. Whatever else I don't need to know. It brings about less misery and crazy thoughts. I just have to keep within my limits and the fine line of best friend and girl friend. I hate that reminder, but its very necessary to keep myself safe from the wrath of God.
I know she isn't my long term cure. I'm still waiting for my angel to come by and take my pain away. but now she is like morphine to a patient in pain. A medication which I kinda need regularly. Yup, I think I do. Hearing her voice at night, knowing that she is safe at home, knowing that she sound asleep in her room is an assurance to me. I become hyper talking her. As I wait for my angel, I wanna be her guardian angel too. I'll go and save her NO MATTER what happens.
as i wait upon my angel to come to me...
i will be an angel to protect thee...
I've been an idiot
I just came back from playing LAN. Well this time it didn't go too well. I couldn't concentrate after talking to her. I am an idiot. Yes I know she reads this blog. Yes I know that the post was an insult to her. I know all of it. But this blog is my let out area. I'm really sorry things came out like that. I wont defend myself on the feelings and emotions that was on that post. I just needed to let it out.
I'm really really sorry girl. I have no idea how many times I've said that to you already. I know its never enough to cover up the insult that has been made. I'm truly sorry. When I wrote that, I made an apology note cause I know how you would have reacted to it. But I guess it is very insensitive of me to post it publicly. As such I have decided to make this for private viewing only.
I'm really sorry things had to happen this way. You know the reason why I reacted like this. I have a overwhelming amount of feelings for you. But I know its not an excuse to say anything to cover up now. I admit I was wrong to think of him this way. I was childish.
I did not act or think rationally. Maybe I couldn't. My head is in a mess. I don't think I can sleep now. Or even if I do, I don't think I'll sleep well. I'm sorry. So really really sorry. There isn't enough times said for you to forgive me though I wish you would. Would you forgive me?
now i wish the pain of a bite, or as many as needed, is able redeem me
I'm really really sorry girl. I have no idea how many times I've said that to you already. I know its never enough to cover up the insult that has been made. I'm truly sorry. When I wrote that, I made an apology note cause I know how you would have reacted to it. But I guess it is very insensitive of me to post it publicly. As such I have decided to make this for private viewing only.
I'm really sorry things had to happen this way. You know the reason why I reacted like this. I have a overwhelming amount of feelings for you. But I know its not an excuse to say anything to cover up now. I admit I was wrong to think of him this way. I was childish.
I did not act or think rationally. Maybe I couldn't. My head is in a mess. I don't think I can sleep now. Or even if I do, I don't think I'll sleep well. I'm sorry. So really really sorry. There isn't enough times said for you to forgive me though I wish you would. Would you forgive me?
now i wish the pain of a bite, or as many as needed, is able redeem me
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
I think I've injured myself
As I was swimming today, my right shoulder joint felt really sore. As I moved it I could hear the cracking of the joint. Like a rusty ball bearing. My left tricep was hurting also. This could probably be muscle strain cause it was just aching. Oh man, I hope this wont affect my training in the long run. I reduce the number of laps today to 60 as I was worried of sustaining serious injury. I pray that nothing would go wrong.
why did the bruise and pain disappear...
why did the bruise and pain disappear...
A good start to the day
I had a wonderful morning just by talking to her. I wanted to call to apologise and then we just talked on from there. I was feeling ok. but while I was eating, a lost thought came back to me.
Sometime back I realised that he was try to complete her whole wishlist and I kinda forgotten about this part till I saw her blog again.
Before I go on, girl I just wanna let you know its not your fault or anything that has gotta do with you. Its just my point of view. Please don't let this affect anything alright?
I often wondered why he wanted to do Mount K and marathon in our major activities planning for the YABF. Mount K was fun I know, heard good reports about it but why isn't Joyce Foo a regular at YABF when she went through Mount K with you people? If you consider this bonding, then I think it has kinda fail right?
Marathon, its quite a solo thing unless you consider the whole group of us running at the slowest runner's pace, to give encouragement and finish as a team. But I don't think that would really happen. And when uncle Henry gave an alternate suggestion like vertical marathon, climbing up and down the stairs of Farrer Park blocks, I saw his face change.
Now as I look upon her blog. I realised what is that he is pushing for. He is pushing for her so that she can fulfill her wish. Ok, maybe that wasn't his main intention, maybe I read him wrongly. But at the moment looking at it my way, it does look like that. What am I feeling now? I wont say. It doesn't matter if anyone should know.
Am I too observant or just over cranky? I don't know. I hate myself. Alright, off to exercise now. laters...
im not quite myself these days
Sometime back I realised that he was try to complete her whole wishlist and I kinda forgotten about this part till I saw her blog again.
Before I go on, girl I just wanna let you know its not your fault or anything that has gotta do with you. Its just my point of view. Please don't let this affect anything alright?
I often wondered why he wanted to do Mount K and marathon in our major activities planning for the YABF. Mount K was fun I know, heard good reports about it but why isn't Joyce Foo a regular at YABF when she went through Mount K with you people? If you consider this bonding, then I think it has kinda fail right?
Marathon, its quite a solo thing unless you consider the whole group of us running at the slowest runner's pace, to give encouragement and finish as a team. But I don't think that would really happen. And when uncle Henry gave an alternate suggestion like vertical marathon, climbing up and down the stairs of Farrer Park blocks, I saw his face change.
Now as I look upon her blog. I realised what is that he is pushing for. He is pushing for her so that she can fulfill her wish. Ok, maybe that wasn't his main intention, maybe I read him wrongly. But at the moment looking at it my way, it does look like that. What am I feeling now? I wont say. It doesn't matter if anyone should know.
Am I too observant or just over cranky? I don't know. I hate myself. Alright, off to exercise now. laters...
im not quite myself these days
ENVIOUS
I think I know why I'm reacting this way towards you. I reek of sour jealousy. The way I can never be the center of your life makes me mad. The thought that I can never be the most important person in your life makes me go insane. And when I try not to think of you or occupy myself with other stuffs, the moment you re-enter it, my senses go wild.
I really am Jealous of him. I hate him. When I see his mail I really don't wanna read it. I'm overwhelmed with envy. When I know your life is about you and him, I rather not know anymore even though I'm really interested in what you do.
I'm sorry for reacting this way. I'm really sorry. Its just human to right? I'm insanely mad cause I am not allowed to be the one for you. I really pray very hard that whoever God has prepared is someone like you, otherwise, I don't think anything will work out smoothly. I'm envious. Really really envious. So much so I rather not see you at all than seeing you with him. I really do wanna hang out with you.
i hate myself. Hate it so much cos i loved you too much.
I really am Jealous of him. I hate him. When I see his mail I really don't wanna read it. I'm overwhelmed with envy. When I know your life is about you and him, I rather not know anymore even though I'm really interested in what you do.
I'm sorry for reacting this way. I'm really sorry. Its just human to right? I'm insanely mad cause I am not allowed to be the one for you. I really pray very hard that whoever God has prepared is someone like you, otherwise, I don't think anything will work out smoothly. I'm envious. Really really envious. So much so I rather not see you at all than seeing you with him. I really do wanna hang out with you.
i hate myself. Hate it so much cos i loved you too much.
I love my best friend
ok my blog got sorta hijacked. But I know of the only person who has the password besides me.
The last blog wasn't written by me. I really don't know what she is feeling but I guess it was my fault. I emo-ed her a little when I called. Well, I didn't mean to, but it just came out that way. I'm sorry girl. Really am. Shouldn't said those stuffs about dying.
I'm kinda back to my nocturnal lifestyle. This is the first night I hang out with the gang till so late. I just got home by the way. We went to prata house to meet up. I didn't eat anything, save for a cup of teh bing. We couldn't decide what to do, like play LAN or go Bowling, so we ended up just chilling at Yishun Dam. Nick and I got there early and he let me drive his car. WOOT! Damn fun la. I love driving manual cars. So while we were hanging out there, she msged me. This is super coincidental la. The last time I was there, the same thing happened. Oh well, whatever said about telepathy and how so many coincidences that may happen between us, God has clearly stated that I cannot choose her to be my wife. Period. *sigh* what a bummer.
So the call start with me emo-ing her about standing in the middle of the road waiting for a car to hit me at high speed (Yishun Dam was a place for speed demons). I think she was worried for me not being home at 12+am which I normally am. Sorry girl. Sorry I did not appreciate that kind thought. I'm sorry. I owe you one bite :)
But I also wondered, in between our conversations, if when she emo-ed me is was under PMS? I thought that was last week? I really don't know. But no matter what, I won't push the blame. I'm really sorry for emo-ing when you tried to show some concern. Will you accept my apologies please?
After Yishun Dam, we went to play LAN. Ok, this is serious fun. After so long not playing a serious game with these people, I had tons of fun! Battlefield 2 is a very fun game. All the stupid things we did, the weird strategies, accidental team kills. We were so noisy I think anyone within 10m could hear us! After playing LAN, they went to have supper/breakfast. Still I didn't eat. Nick ask," eh u still on diet ar?" I replied with a ya. Then he commented, "You doing for her? I thought she chose her boyfriend?" then I told him, "I promised her that I would and I'll stick to it. Besides, she meant well." and as usual he gave me the whatever face.
Coming home, I saw my msn with what she had written:
gLenDie is growing wisdom tooth. said:
whey wheyyy.
gLenDie is growing wisdom tooth. said:
I WAN VODKA MOON!!!
gLenDie is growing wisdom tooth. said:
=D
gLenDie is growing wisdom tooth. said:
hehehe.
gLenDie is growing wisdom tooth. said:
jk.
gLenDie is growing wisdom tooth. said:
LALALALLAAAAAA.
Seriously, I would go get it, if it ever existed. In my heart, there is a special place for you. Though I want the feeling to stop disturbing me, I don't want to stop loving you. Its a conflicting emotion, but I think I can live with it. To my future girl: sorry I can only love you with 75% of my heart. Don't ask for more, its the most I can give.
Finally, I'm sorry girl. I hope I can talk to you tonight to make things right. I still have feelings for you. Please don't be angry with me.
i won't die. not yet. not till you're gone. i wanna live to protect you.
The last blog wasn't written by me. I really don't know what she is feeling but I guess it was my fault. I emo-ed her a little when I called. Well, I didn't mean to, but it just came out that way. I'm sorry girl. Really am. Shouldn't said those stuffs about dying.
I'm kinda back to my nocturnal lifestyle. This is the first night I hang out with the gang till so late. I just got home by the way. We went to prata house to meet up. I didn't eat anything, save for a cup of teh bing. We couldn't decide what to do, like play LAN or go Bowling, so we ended up just chilling at Yishun Dam. Nick and I got there early and he let me drive his car. WOOT! Damn fun la. I love driving manual cars. So while we were hanging out there, she msged me. This is super coincidental la. The last time I was there, the same thing happened. Oh well, whatever said about telepathy and how so many coincidences that may happen between us, God has clearly stated that I cannot choose her to be my wife. Period. *sigh* what a bummer.
So the call start with me emo-ing her about standing in the middle of the road waiting for a car to hit me at high speed (Yishun Dam was a place for speed demons). I think she was worried for me not being home at 12+am which I normally am. Sorry girl. Sorry I did not appreciate that kind thought. I'm sorry. I owe you one bite :)
But I also wondered, in between our conversations, if when she emo-ed me is was under PMS? I thought that was last week? I really don't know. But no matter what, I won't push the blame. I'm really sorry for emo-ing when you tried to show some concern. Will you accept my apologies please?
After Yishun Dam, we went to play LAN. Ok, this is serious fun. After so long not playing a serious game with these people, I had tons of fun! Battlefield 2 is a very fun game. All the stupid things we did, the weird strategies, accidental team kills. We were so noisy I think anyone within 10m could hear us! After playing LAN, they went to have supper/breakfast. Still I didn't eat. Nick ask," eh u still on diet ar?" I replied with a ya. Then he commented, "You doing for her? I thought she chose her boyfriend?" then I told him, "I promised her that I would and I'll stick to it. Besides, she meant well." and as usual he gave me the whatever face.
Coming home, I saw my msn with what she had written:
gLenDie is growing wisdom tooth. said:
whey wheyyy.
gLenDie is growing wisdom tooth. said:
I WAN VODKA MOON!!!
gLenDie is growing wisdom tooth. said:
=D
gLenDie is growing wisdom tooth. said:
hehehe.
gLenDie is growing wisdom tooth. said:
jk.
gLenDie is growing wisdom tooth. said:
LALALALLAAAAAA.
Seriously, I would go get it, if it ever existed. In my heart, there is a special place for you. Though I want the feeling to stop disturbing me, I don't want to stop loving you. Its a conflicting emotion, but I think I can live with it. To my future girl: sorry I can only love you with 75% of my heart. Don't ask for more, its the most I can give.
Finally, I'm sorry girl. I hope I can talk to you tonight to make things right. I still have feelings for you. Please don't be angry with me.
i won't die. not yet. not till you're gone. i wanna live to protect you.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Quiet
Life is getting quiet around me. When I wake up, I don't really see the purpose of waking up. There isn't any motivation to do anything. I woke up late today, left house late, went to exercise and came back a bit late.
I don't know what to write anymore. I'm feeling tired of nothing. My life is lacking of excitement.
looking for a her to lead my life with
I don't know what to write anymore. I'm feeling tired of nothing. My life is lacking of excitement.
looking for a her to lead my life with
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Easter Sunday
Easter in Covenant doesn't seem like Easter. I don't really know what Easter should be like, but Good Friday at the Expo was a Good Friday service. The service told of Christ's death. The people around Him and how they reacted to Him.
Easter was the day Christ resurrected. I wonder if I should be hearing of His resurrection and the Glory that He would be coming? If I should hear of the power over death, power over everything that has been crucified with Him? I'm not sure of what should be preached on Easter. Today we were told of why we should choose Christ and of His stubborn love for us. But I didn't really get the main point behind the speaker's message. Well I think its right that the service was outreach oriented but there was no one at the altar call. Weird? I don't know. Talking about God's love is not wrong at all. But I wasn't challenged. I don't know, its just that I felt that way.
So after service they went for lunch. I didn't go along. Maybe if Joel was there I might but since he wasn't I didn't want to go. I felt no need to be in a place where my head will wrack on its own. I don't wear a face mask well. I cant smile in the face of sadness. Anyway, I was going to Joe's Kitchen for the anniversary high tea party. I don't need more carbo than I needed. I had only a meal today that is good for a day without exercise.
I had fun driving today. Daddy allowed me to drive from Church to Joe's Kitchen and then from Joe's Kitchen back home. Ok, my same problem of driving too close to the left is still there and I need to improve on that. I also need to know when to brake earlier. Auto cars' engine brake isn't like the manual cars. I hope he will trust me more and allow me to take the car out in the night next time.
I'm glad that she is happy now that she has 2 vodka blacks where initially she couldn't even get one. Oh well, sometimes my effort just don't turn out right. I'll never be the first or the only one. childish thinking? maybe.
im trying not to think of you. but you're in everything i see
Easter was the day Christ resurrected. I wonder if I should be hearing of His resurrection and the Glory that He would be coming? If I should hear of the power over death, power over everything that has been crucified with Him? I'm not sure of what should be preached on Easter. Today we were told of why we should choose Christ and of His stubborn love for us. But I didn't really get the main point behind the speaker's message. Well I think its right that the service was outreach oriented but there was no one at the altar call. Weird? I don't know. Talking about God's love is not wrong at all. But I wasn't challenged. I don't know, its just that I felt that way.
So after service they went for lunch. I didn't go along. Maybe if Joel was there I might but since he wasn't I didn't want to go. I felt no need to be in a place where my head will wrack on its own. I don't wear a face mask well. I cant smile in the face of sadness. Anyway, I was going to Joe's Kitchen for the anniversary high tea party. I don't need more carbo than I needed. I had only a meal today that is good for a day without exercise.
I had fun driving today. Daddy allowed me to drive from Church to Joe's Kitchen and then from Joe's Kitchen back home. Ok, my same problem of driving too close to the left is still there and I need to improve on that. I also need to know when to brake earlier. Auto cars' engine brake isn't like the manual cars. I hope he will trust me more and allow me to take the car out in the night next time.
I'm glad that she is happy now that she has 2 vodka blacks where initially she couldn't even get one. Oh well, sometimes my effort just don't turn out right. I'll never be the first or the only one. childish thinking? maybe.
im trying not to think of you. but you're in everything i see
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Jap Party!
Cindy and Pengfong is back... and we had jap party at Braddell View. There was thinly sliced beef or pork roll with asparagus or long beans and carrots. There were handrolls, unagi, chawamushi (her favourite), red miso paste with eggplant and minced pork, teriyaki chicken and sashimi. Best of all Petalo Muscato was on the house. There was a dozen of them :) I had alot of it. Really alot. Glass after glass, man its so low on alcohol and its sweetly sour and light. Its just so fantastic with the light jap food we had.
We also watch A Walk to Remember. Its a really nice sad story. like it very much, mandy moore is so pretty and innocent looking. My cousins made a big fuss about me liking innocent, young, guai, girls. Oh whatever, I was merely making a statement. Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
After that we watched The Prince and Me. Its a nice show too. there were so many teens love flicks showing tonight, so weird. But they are quite nice actually. I don't mind watching them. *sigh* love stories, I just wonder is it coincidences or something else. But anyway, I'll have my love story someday.
I bought her the Vodka Black, Swedish 100 anniversary bottle. I hope she like it. I'm contented with the answered she told me when I asked. I guess what we had was real, just that God really knows that she isn't the one for me. I'm not over over as in over over her yet. But I can see her as a friend, a best friend infact. Looking at her, I know that she is happy. That is what I want her to be.
I'll be fine, I'll be strong in the Lord who is Jehovah Jireh, the Lord my Provider.
smile at me and i'll be contented
We also watch A Walk to Remember. Its a really nice sad story. like it very much, mandy moore is so pretty and innocent looking. My cousins made a big fuss about me liking innocent, young, guai, girls. Oh whatever, I was merely making a statement. Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
After that we watched The Prince and Me. Its a nice show too. there were so many teens love flicks showing tonight, so weird. But they are quite nice actually. I don't mind watching them. *sigh* love stories, I just wonder is it coincidences or something else. But anyway, I'll have my love story someday.
I bought her the Vodka Black, Swedish 100 anniversary bottle. I hope she like it. I'm contented with the answered she told me when I asked. I guess what we had was real, just that God really knows that she isn't the one for me. I'm not over over as in over over her yet. But I can see her as a friend, a best friend infact. Looking at her, I know that she is happy. That is what I want her to be.
I'll be fine, I'll be strong in the Lord who is Jehovah Jireh, the Lord my Provider.
smile at me and i'll be contented
Looking at the world through my room
I need an outlet to scream. Typing this alone is not enough.
Maybe later I can let out some playing the drums. but its church. I wonder if its ok to do it there.
everything i see hurts. i rather be blind
Maybe later I can let out some playing the drums. but its church. I wonder if its ok to do it there.
everything i see hurts. i rather be blind
Sick Puppies
WHAT A NAME! so weird! who would wanna call themselves this but there is a band that I fell in love with immediately whose name is Sick Puppies. They are from Sydney, Australia. COOL HUH?! Man, now I so wanna stay there and be influenced by them. Love their pop rock culture. This is a 3 man band. Guitar, bass(FEMALE), Drums. Really cool band. Their stuffs are highly layered but still rocks man. Chance upon this while I was surfing someone's friendster. Why did I decided to go and view the profile? cause she appeared in my dream.
But dreams are dreams. I dreamt of another her before. so what? in the end nothing happened. I'll commit this to prayer if I do feel anything more. at the moment, I feel nothing. cause I don't wanna feel anything.
All the Same - Sick Puppies
But dreams are dreams. I dreamt of another her before. so what? in the end nothing happened. I'll commit this to prayer if I do feel anything more. at the moment, I feel nothing. cause I don't wanna feel anything.
All the Same - Sick Puppies
I cant look at you
the way I used to.
As I look at you, lots of memories come flooding back.
As I look at you, the hurt within hits the heart hard.
As I look at you, the feelings just wont go away.
And if I don't, I'll miss you bad.
i cant forget you, i cant seem to treat you like a friend anymore, i cant look at you the way i used to
As I look at you, lots of memories come flooding back.
As I look at you, the hurt within hits the heart hard.
As I look at you, the feelings just wont go away.
And if I don't, I'll miss you bad.
i cant forget you, i cant seem to treat you like a friend anymore, i cant look at you the way i used to
stop thinking
I gotta get over her and start being happy. She is with him. period. Being moody and sad wont bring me anywhere. Its a choice I have to make. Wake up, smile and praise God and be happy or just continue to be sad and beaten.
Yes emotions sets in when I'm listening to music or doing nothing. I have to stop feeding it sad stuffs otherwise I'll really end up falling into deep depression. Get over! Move on with life. Its terribly hard, but I have to. Its the freedom to something else.
As usual, when I do the above, I feel lost and lonely. I don't know what else to do. Maybe I should revert to my nocturnal lifestyle. I don't know. Please lead me from here Lord. Please.
stab the heart where the pain comes from. if it dies, the pain will cease.
Yes emotions sets in when I'm listening to music or doing nothing. I have to stop feeding it sad stuffs otherwise I'll really end up falling into deep depression. Get over! Move on with life. Its terribly hard, but I have to. Its the freedom to something else.
As usual, when I do the above, I feel lost and lonely. I don't know what else to do. Maybe I should revert to my nocturnal lifestyle. I don't know. Please lead me from here Lord. Please.
stab the heart where the pain comes from. if it dies, the pain will cease.
Lips of an Angel - Hinder
Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And, yes, I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And, yes, I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why you calling me so late?
Friday, April 6, 2007
Good Friday?
I really don't know what to say anymore. maybe this will be the last blog. maybe not. I don't know. I kinda regret going out with them today and yet again, I don't. I was glad to go out with them cause I got to drive. But I made some serious mistakes.
I drove along MacRitche Reservoir that road and was about to change the gear from 4th gear to 5th gear, but as I was shifting my steering wheel went close to the left. On the left was TRAILER, a long big vehicle. Glenda quickly took hold of the wheels and pushed it to the right. One close shave.
Then later along Farrer Road, I made a wrong turn. Instead of turning into Holland Road(Ulu Pandan) I went towards Orchard. Bummer. Had to find a U-Turn and get back. But as I was U-Turning, I shifted to gear 1, no idea what for and later found myself having to shift it back to gear 2. The LGV jerked.
Then as we reached Edwin's house, I tried to head into a parking lot. I turned too early and it almost hit a car. I was about less than a cm away. I scared the shit out of her. I'm sorry girl. Really am. After that my confidence level dropped again. I dare not touch her car. I wanted to be safe but I don't know what happened to me. Really. I'm very very sorry.
This was the night. In the day I woke up early to attend the good friday service at Expo. Ok it was alright. The service went on well. Then later I went to SRC with Clarence's family for lunch. After lunch they left and my family carried on to do their own stuff. I wanted to play bowling. I needed to release some emotions.
I really feel shit now. I see that they missed each other. I was affected looking at them. I don't wanna avoid this forever, but it isn't fun to be around. I'm pouring out everything here. I wonder if anyone reads this. I'm writing to something that wont give me a response and it sucks. The only comfort is that I release these emotions and I don't hurt anyone as badly.
The little session that we had at Edwin's place was good I must say. I saw Good Friday in a different light. A surgeon was telling us about how he as a surgeon would treat a hand. How musicians, artist, athletes rely on this hand to perform. How the One who create these hands made it so perfect as when you dissect a hand, finding the right nerves to move it is difficult. Yet when its alive, it dances perfectly on a piano. And then how we can possibly nail a human to a cross to be crucified. The utter destruction of a hand. I was touched reading this passage. How it pains our Father to see His creation destroyed so that He may save us.
In the very same way, I feel the pain. A nail through the heart. I wondering if I still wanna go out with them after today. I think I cant handle it. I don't know why. I was supposed to get over it. But its more like I'm being crushed under it. If I met God today, I would ask Him about this. Why Lord? why make me go through this. I wonder what she feels about me now. I don't know if I even wanna know the truth.
Oh crap, I'm going mad soon. I cant indulge fully into music cause I don't play alone very much and people I play with cant be free all the time. I don't wanna go back into gaming. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I feel like shit. I wanna scream. My memories are haunting me.
if you're reading this girl, I'm sorry. Too much I wanna say to you, too much I cant say.
i only hope you do continue to read my blog...
Lord save me.
I drove along MacRitche Reservoir that road and was about to change the gear from 4th gear to 5th gear, but as I was shifting my steering wheel went close to the left. On the left was TRAILER, a long big vehicle. Glenda quickly took hold of the wheels and pushed it to the right. One close shave.
Then later along Farrer Road, I made a wrong turn. Instead of turning into Holland Road(Ulu Pandan) I went towards Orchard. Bummer. Had to find a U-Turn and get back. But as I was U-Turning, I shifted to gear 1, no idea what for and later found myself having to shift it back to gear 2. The LGV jerked.
Then as we reached Edwin's house, I tried to head into a parking lot. I turned too early and it almost hit a car. I was about less than a cm away. I scared the shit out of her. I'm sorry girl. Really am. After that my confidence level dropped again. I dare not touch her car. I wanted to be safe but I don't know what happened to me. Really. I'm very very sorry.
This was the night. In the day I woke up early to attend the good friday service at Expo. Ok it was alright. The service went on well. Then later I went to SRC with Clarence's family for lunch. After lunch they left and my family carried on to do their own stuff. I wanted to play bowling. I needed to release some emotions.
I really feel shit now. I see that they missed each other. I was affected looking at them. I don't wanna avoid this forever, but it isn't fun to be around. I'm pouring out everything here. I wonder if anyone reads this. I'm writing to something that wont give me a response and it sucks. The only comfort is that I release these emotions and I don't hurt anyone as badly.
The little session that we had at Edwin's place was good I must say. I saw Good Friday in a different light. A surgeon was telling us about how he as a surgeon would treat a hand. How musicians, artist, athletes rely on this hand to perform. How the One who create these hands made it so perfect as when you dissect a hand, finding the right nerves to move it is difficult. Yet when its alive, it dances perfectly on a piano. And then how we can possibly nail a human to a cross to be crucified. The utter destruction of a hand. I was touched reading this passage. How it pains our Father to see His creation destroyed so that He may save us.
In the very same way, I feel the pain. A nail through the heart. I wondering if I still wanna go out with them after today. I think I cant handle it. I don't know why. I was supposed to get over it. But its more like I'm being crushed under it. If I met God today, I would ask Him about this. Why Lord? why make me go through this. I wonder what she feels about me now. I don't know if I even wanna know the truth.
Oh crap, I'm going mad soon. I cant indulge fully into music cause I don't play alone very much and people I play with cant be free all the time. I don't wanna go back into gaming. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I feel like shit. I wanna scream. My memories are haunting me.
if you're reading this girl, I'm sorry. Too much I wanna say to you, too much I cant say.
i only hope you do continue to read my blog...
Lord save me.
emo kid?
even now as we are best friend, please do continue to poke me or bite me. at least when I smile or laugh when feeling ticklish or when I feel pain and bruised from the bite, I know that I'm still human.
sometimes these are acts of affection.
I'll appreciate if you would do them :)
sometimes these are acts of affection.
I'll appreciate if you would do them :)
Thursday, April 5, 2007
A scary thought
I was just chatting to a friend on msn when suddenly this thought came to me.
Here I am in Singapore, so close to every important person to me and yet I feel lonely, bored, scared, sick and worried.
I cant imagine the magnitude of it when I'm doing my studies in Queensland. Oh man thinking about it makes me so so uncomfortable. Someone please come and take this pain away, please.
And talking to this friend, the idea of a Long Distance Relationship is really stressful and all. It dawn upon me the strength of the relationship needed to keep things going.
I'm starting to worry. Lord Save me!!!
nothing will make me fall away from you.
help me through this time of pain.
Here I am in Singapore, so close to every important person to me and yet I feel lonely, bored, scared, sick and worried.
I cant imagine the magnitude of it when I'm doing my studies in Queensland. Oh man thinking about it makes me so so uncomfortable. Someone please come and take this pain away, please.
And talking to this friend, the idea of a Long Distance Relationship is really stressful and all. It dawn upon me the strength of the relationship needed to keep things going.
I'm starting to worry. Lord Save me!!!
nothing will make me fall away from you.
help me through this time of pain.
I'm a relational Being
I need someone nice to talk to. Someone who I can feel for. Someone to be with. Someone to Love and to Cherish. To have and to Hold. Till Death do us part.
Yes I need someone like that soon. I'm trying to refrain from msging her so that I won't disturb her life. I need someone to talk to at night. Lord oh Lord hear my cry. I'm going to become insane here. I'm trying to pick myself up but there is something pulling me down.
Someone to take my time away so that I won't think of her or to be with her as much as possible. In a group or just us two. Anything. I'm not blaming you dear girl for this cause God was the one who said that I can't be with you. I'm blaming no one. I just cant help feeling weird and sad. Sorry.
i feel the world crumbling on me. free me of this misery
Yes I need someone like that soon. I'm trying to refrain from msging her so that I won't disturb her life. I need someone to talk to at night. Lord oh Lord hear my cry. I'm going to become insane here. I'm trying to pick myself up but there is something pulling me down.
Someone to take my time away so that I won't think of her or to be with her as much as possible. In a group or just us two. Anything. I'm not blaming you dear girl for this cause God was the one who said that I can't be with you. I'm blaming no one. I just cant help feeling weird and sad. Sorry.
i feel the world crumbling on me. free me of this misery
bored stiff
I'm bored stiff at home.
She's in school (not that it matters anyway cause in future she should be spending time with her guy)
Nick's away on msn
And I'm rotting at home. I hate this life now. totally.
where did my life go?
She's in school (not that it matters anyway cause in future she should be spending time with her guy)
Nick's away on msn
And I'm rotting at home. I hate this life now. totally.
where did my life go?
I feel like...
As usual, I went to swim again. After that I went to meet her at Tampines. Nothing much just wanted to see her. And walked around with her looking for a pouch like thing to keep her wallet and hp and LEVI sunglasses and keys on days that she don't wanna carry a bag.
I think I'm contented with just being around her. Very much like how I used to be happy just knowing that Vanessa is in church. I still feel something for her. If not for the Lord, I think I just really jio her and wait on. Oh well, I'm addicted to her smell, perfume, scent or whatever you wanna call it. It makes me feel happy. Its not like Cheryl's perfume where you probably know it when you step into a place. Hers, you have to be near enough to smell it. But sometimes, my head recalls the smell on its own and I'll be like looking around to see if she is near :P I used to smell that to sleep.
I feel like AlvinGoh now. Why? cause she is close to him and she listens to him. He is happy to see her and he told her he'll marry her if no one marries her. the only difference is that he's rich and I'm not. I'm quite a loser ain't I. *sigh*
As I was talking to her, I was reminded about God's word. She isn't the one for you. It frightens me cause She is all that I really wanted. The list that I wrote about why I loved her explains it all. She is rather similar to not only myself, but the girl I wanna be with. I hope the one in God's plan isn't a totally opposite one. Which I think I heard His voice while walking home just now. He said, don't worry. I have planned one who is similar, just not her. I am comforted. But the chase for girls and all has no longer interest me. What's my interest then you may ask and I'll probably tell you that its anything that has to do with her.
I drove her LGV again today after collecting it from the workshop. I drove her home on the expressway. yes the EXPRESSWAY. Its my first time driving on the expressway and its with my first passenger. Its fun, really. I'm hooked to driving. Its so fun! Her LGV is super powerful. I really like it. I hope I can convince my mummy to get me one too :P
Days of loneliness is coming soon... I told her that if any day she is roaming around alone, She could call me. I'll go and find her. I feel bad being a bummer. But my schedule is a bit weird. I have also calculated. If I go on losing weight like this, I should be under 100 in 4months time. If things go well.
Oh Lord, give me something more in life please. Its getting quite boring again. and I don't wanna go back into gaming, unless its playing CS with her :)
welcome to the suck?
I think I'm contented with just being around her. Very much like how I used to be happy just knowing that Vanessa is in church. I still feel something for her. If not for the Lord, I think I just really jio her and wait on. Oh well, I'm addicted to her smell, perfume, scent or whatever you wanna call it. It makes me feel happy. Its not like Cheryl's perfume where you probably know it when you step into a place. Hers, you have to be near enough to smell it. But sometimes, my head recalls the smell on its own and I'll be like looking around to see if she is near :P I used to smell that to sleep.
I feel like AlvinGoh now. Why? cause she is close to him and she listens to him. He is happy to see her and he told her he'll marry her if no one marries her. the only difference is that he's rich and I'm not. I'm quite a loser ain't I. *sigh*
As I was talking to her, I was reminded about God's word. She isn't the one for you. It frightens me cause She is all that I really wanted. The list that I wrote about why I loved her explains it all. She is rather similar to not only myself, but the girl I wanna be with. I hope the one in God's plan isn't a totally opposite one. Which I think I heard His voice while walking home just now. He said, don't worry. I have planned one who is similar, just not her. I am comforted. But the chase for girls and all has no longer interest me. What's my interest then you may ask and I'll probably tell you that its anything that has to do with her.
I drove her LGV again today after collecting it from the workshop. I drove her home on the expressway. yes the EXPRESSWAY. Its my first time driving on the expressway and its with my first passenger. Its fun, really. I'm hooked to driving. Its so fun! Her LGV is super powerful. I really like it. I hope I can convince my mummy to get me one too :P
Days of loneliness is coming soon... I told her that if any day she is roaming around alone, She could call me. I'll go and find her. I feel bad being a bummer. But my schedule is a bit weird. I have also calculated. If I go on losing weight like this, I should be under 100 in 4months time. If things go well.
Oh Lord, give me something more in life please. Its getting quite boring again. and I don't wanna go back into gaming, unless its playing CS with her :)
welcome to the suck?
heavy heavy heart
yup, my heart sank. I know we still can be friends. I know we have feelings for each other. But the reality is that we are just friends. I'm ok. But thinking about it makes me feel really down.
How to smile in the face of your joy being with someone else? You just cant. *sigh* I feel weird. I can accept the fact and the choice she made. I think its the memories I had that is killing me. I'm glad she told me about this tonight. If it was tomorrow, I'll have a worser night.
I wonder if she'll treat me better than him? I don't know. I have friends who does. Which is kinda cool for the friend and suck for the boyfriend. HAH! I'm being evil here, but well its just rather a harmless thought.
I've lost interest in girls. I thought maybe this time round I can really be with her. But no cause God really said no. Oh well, what's next Lord? I hate suspense... I wanna know what is going on. I really hope that the girl for me is like Glenda. Pretty looking and similar character. I'm so lost really.
Hate to admit this but what he told her that time is proven right this time. That this little episode will make their love grow stronger. Oh well, I hate to think about this. It just makes my blood boil. But what can I use to compare. 1year++ of relationship is definitely stronger than something of a few weeks. Oh boy oh boy, I know I must not hold on to this. God has told me too many times NO she isn't the one.
Thinking about the future, being with another girl makes me feel weird. Maybe I dread the time and energy I have to spend. I don't know. Glenda, I love you, but I'm sorry that God wouldn't allow that. You have a special place in my heart. Its special enough that I'm willing to give my life for you.
Now, Vanessa seem to be the closest girl to what Glenda is. I wonder if she is the one... I can't don't think about it cause I'm rather lonely now. Thoughts are running all over my head. I hope I can continue to blog. My life is going to be boring again with less of you.
I'm still going to try and lose weight, since its the temple of the Holy Spirit, I better put it in better shape. I wonder, wonder, wonder... What my life will be? All my plans and dreams, wish and hope are now crushed. Lord tell me please....
i hope we can have a special relationship.
neither that of lovers nor that of sister and brother.
How to smile in the face of your joy being with someone else? You just cant. *sigh* I feel weird. I can accept the fact and the choice she made. I think its the memories I had that is killing me. I'm glad she told me about this tonight. If it was tomorrow, I'll have a worser night.
I wonder if she'll treat me better than him? I don't know. I have friends who does. Which is kinda cool for the friend and suck for the boyfriend. HAH! I'm being evil here, but well its just rather a harmless thought.
I've lost interest in girls. I thought maybe this time round I can really be with her. But no cause God really said no. Oh well, what's next Lord? I hate suspense... I wanna know what is going on. I really hope that the girl for me is like Glenda. Pretty looking and similar character. I'm so lost really.
Hate to admit this but what he told her that time is proven right this time. That this little episode will make their love grow stronger. Oh well, I hate to think about this. It just makes my blood boil. But what can I use to compare. 1year++ of relationship is definitely stronger than something of a few weeks. Oh boy oh boy, I know I must not hold on to this. God has told me too many times NO she isn't the one.
Thinking about the future, being with another girl makes me feel weird. Maybe I dread the time and energy I have to spend. I don't know. Glenda, I love you, but I'm sorry that God wouldn't allow that. You have a special place in my heart. Its special enough that I'm willing to give my life for you.
Now, Vanessa seem to be the closest girl to what Glenda is. I wonder if she is the one... I can't don't think about it cause I'm rather lonely now. Thoughts are running all over my head. I hope I can continue to blog. My life is going to be boring again with less of you.
I'm still going to try and lose weight, since its the temple of the Holy Spirit, I better put it in better shape. I wonder, wonder, wonder... What my life will be? All my plans and dreams, wish and hope are now crushed. Lord tell me please....
i hope we can have a special relationship.
neither that of lovers nor that of sister and brother.
she had decided this time...
ok, this time I have to really really draw a line between myself and her. clean line. meaning, purely friends. Man, I wonder what am I to do. I'm going to be very very lonely. I'm not saying that I'm using her as just so that I won't be alone. but rather I've been out with her so often now I feel very much alone.
I'm quite lost. my world shrunk to nothingness...
Well, I guess this is a lesson for me. God is real. He speaks. I'm not doubting His words anymore.
help me someone. i need help
I'm quite lost. my world shrunk to nothingness...
Well, I guess this is a lesson for me. God is real. He speaks. I'm not doubting His words anymore.
help me someone. i need help
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
she's gonna call me
gLenDie got a Kangoo. says:
i got ting to tell u later.
gLenDie got a Kangoo. says:
u wan it tml or later?
gLenDie got a Kangoo. says:
aft i tok to alvin goh i call u
ok this is scary. why? cos I have no idea what she wanna tell me. well, I pray its nothing bad or serious. My heart is beating super fast now.
breathe dude, breathe.
i got ting to tell u later.
gLenDie got a Kangoo. says:
u wan it tml or later?
gLenDie got a Kangoo. says:
aft i tok to alvin goh i call u
ok this is scary. why? cos I have no idea what she wanna tell me. well, I pray its nothing bad or serious. My heart is beating super fast now.
breathe dude, breathe.
Uninterestingly Interesting
I went to club today to continue my training. This time round I did 75laps, which is 1.5km. Well I guess it isn't a lot, but its improving. After swimming I called her to check where she was. It was about 2 then and she has gotten her LGV. She had to drive back to the office first and so I had to wait. I went to raffles city to walk and wait for her.
About 3.3opm, she said that I could probably meet her after her tuition. So I decided to walk around the City Hall area till about 4plus then head down to her at Farrer Park. Her little adorable kid had forgotten that she had swimming lesson and couldn't make it for tuition. So now she had alot of time to waste. I grabbed a drink for her, took a cab and rush to church to meet her :) I was glad to see her. It was a pleasant surprise.
She wanted to meet Lydia and it was to be a girls only thing so I was prepared to go back. But she was afraid she did not know how to go to Vivo City and so I followed along to give directions. When I was there I decided to wait for her. It was a long wait because I have no idea what time they'll be done. But I just decided to wait. I know she's worth my wait. I walked round Vivo about 6 times I think. Saw some interesting things around and just kill time walking and listening to my ipod. I met them at about 8plus and she sent Lydia home.
She wanted me to eat something cos I have not had anything since 11am and so we went to Prata House. Thank God for a big lot so that she can head the LGV in. She cant do her parallel parking well. But I believe in no time she'll become a pro at that. After eating at Prata house, she allowed me to drive home. I was quite happy to have the chance to. Its was quite exciting for me. But I am really thankful that she had confidence in me and trusted her LGV to me. The ride was ok I think, I don't know, need to ask her. But I think it was rather fine. Thank You God for the safe journey home. She is now on the way back as I'm typing this. I think I'll be seeing her again tomorrow :) I'm now waiting for her call to say she is home safely
you are worth waiting for, i wanna do this with you everyday
About 3.3opm, she said that I could probably meet her after her tuition. So I decided to walk around the City Hall area till about 4plus then head down to her at Farrer Park. Her little adorable kid had forgotten that she had swimming lesson and couldn't make it for tuition. So now she had alot of time to waste. I grabbed a drink for her, took a cab and rush to church to meet her :) I was glad to see her. It was a pleasant surprise.
She wanted to meet Lydia and it was to be a girls only thing so I was prepared to go back. But she was afraid she did not know how to go to Vivo City and so I followed along to give directions. When I was there I decided to wait for her. It was a long wait because I have no idea what time they'll be done. But I just decided to wait. I know she's worth my wait. I walked round Vivo about 6 times I think. Saw some interesting things around and just kill time walking and listening to my ipod. I met them at about 8plus and she sent Lydia home.
She wanted me to eat something cos I have not had anything since 11am and so we went to Prata House. Thank God for a big lot so that she can head the LGV in. She cant do her parallel parking well. But I believe in no time she'll become a pro at that. After eating at Prata house, she allowed me to drive home. I was quite happy to have the chance to. Its was quite exciting for me. But I am really thankful that she had confidence in me and trusted her LGV to me. The ride was ok I think, I don't know, need to ask her. But I think it was rather fine. Thank You God for the safe journey home. She is now on the way back as I'm typing this. I think I'll be seeing her again tomorrow :) I'm now waiting for her call to say she is home safely
you are worth waiting for, i wanna do this with you everyday
I cant sleep tonight
I went to read her blog... going as far back as I can. I cant sleep tonight. I feel weird. Sad happy.
She had been with him for 1year++. and with me, barely weeks. I feel weird. really. My head is going mad.
I wanna scream "I LOVE YOU GLENDA!!!"
but there are so much other things that comes along with that. the more I read the more I'm in love with her. I wonder why I gave her up. I wonder why I had to be mad at her. I wonder why I gamed so much. I wonder why Lord, I wonder. I wonder too why now that I love her so much, the situation has to be so difficult. Lord, what is your will for me? Isn't she the one? I really do feel like we were made for each other. Isn't it Lord? isnt it?
I wonder about my life. Did You Lord just used her to make me human again? I know I've failed you many times Lord. I know I barely became human. Gaming my life away. Doing things that aren't helpful in the furtherance of Your Kingdom. If Lord you are using her to bring me back to humanity, then are you going to take her away from me? Did you reserve her for me? If she is the one Lord, I have received my punishment already haven't I? Please don't take her away Lord. Please don't...
I know I'm not being fair to my brother Jac. I know Lord. But, life isn't fair. Besides its all perspective. Its the attitude that determines the situation. Lord, please give me an answer, give her one too as she seeks you. I'm afraid of the answer Lord. I really am. Just in case its not in my favour. That is why I'm worried.
Lord, I pray and ask that You be merciful to me please. I need more of Your Grace, more of Your favour. In fact Lord, I just want You. I want you to be in this Love I have for her. That you be the one ruling it. Lord I Love her. Please don't her away from me... please.
im becoming human because she made me one.
im becoming what i am Lord cos you allowed her to touch me.
She had been with him for 1year++. and with me, barely weeks. I feel weird. really. My head is going mad.
I wanna scream "I LOVE YOU GLENDA!!!"
but there are so much other things that comes along with that. the more I read the more I'm in love with her. I wonder why I gave her up. I wonder why I had to be mad at her. I wonder why I gamed so much. I wonder why Lord, I wonder. I wonder too why now that I love her so much, the situation has to be so difficult. Lord, what is your will for me? Isn't she the one? I really do feel like we were made for each other. Isn't it Lord? isnt it?
I wonder about my life. Did You Lord just used her to make me human again? I know I've failed you many times Lord. I know I barely became human. Gaming my life away. Doing things that aren't helpful in the furtherance of Your Kingdom. If Lord you are using her to bring me back to humanity, then are you going to take her away from me? Did you reserve her for me? If she is the one Lord, I have received my punishment already haven't I? Please don't take her away Lord. Please don't...
I know I'm not being fair to my brother Jac. I know Lord. But, life isn't fair. Besides its all perspective. Its the attitude that determines the situation. Lord, please give me an answer, give her one too as she seeks you. I'm afraid of the answer Lord. I really am. Just in case its not in my favour. That is why I'm worried.
Lord, I pray and ask that You be merciful to me please. I need more of Your Grace, more of Your favour. In fact Lord, I just want You. I want you to be in this Love I have for her. That you be the one ruling it. Lord I Love her. Please don't her away from me... please.
im becoming human because she made me one.
im becoming what i am Lord cos you allowed her to touch me.
I need strength
I need to gather my emotions again and I have to be strong. I have the odds against me and I wonder if God is too. Please give me strength O Lord, help me find that in You. I cannot be beaten down here, I really want my life to go on, hopefully with you. But even without you, I have to be strong. Help me Lord. HELP!
i don't want to be beaten down. now i really hope the bruise wont stop hurting.
i don't want to be beaten down. now i really hope the bruise wont stop hurting.
gut feel or just thinking too much
I hate my gut feelings. too often it has been too accurate. I have a sudden bad gut feel and decided to go and look at her blog. the last paragraph somehow confirmed my gut feel. why do I feel this way? why is my heart so troubled? I really dont know. pls tell me something girl. I just hate the silence. am I just thinking too much?
gut feel, gut feel... what is it this time?
gut feel, gut feel... what is it this time?
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
so much for training...
Yes, I crashed not only my diet today but my training schedule too. Why? cos I had better things to do :)
Today I went out with a very very dear girl of mine :) I went down to her house to pick her up for lunch. We went to pek kio market to eat. I really like her alot. She is so easy with things... She doesn't mind hawker centre stuffs. Really thank God for her. But after lunch as she was just looking through her wallet, she became moody. I guessed it was because she saw the pic of her and him. Well, I know its hard for her as they had been together for a very long time and its not easy to say this is the END.
As we left the place for her tuition, she was really downcast. Confused? Moody? I really don't know what was going through her mind at that moment, but all I know is that she wasn't happy. I offered my hand for her to bite. I hope that it'll help her release some stress... She bit. It was hard, but not as hard as the first time she bit me. Well, she was slightly better after that and she left me for tuition.
I had 1hour and 30mins to kill. HOW TO KILL??!! Well the day was really super hot. I did not feel like walking outside so I decided to go to Plaza Singapura to walk around, hoping to buy my alan key for my guitar and a wire cutter.
I got to PS and went straight to carrefour. I found what I was looking for in like 10mins? Gosh, I still have 1hour and 10mins to kill. WAH I tell you I swore I was really sian. But suddenly I thought of her. I remember that she was moody so I decided to do something that would cheer her up when I see her later. Walking around carrefour for ideas took up most of the time. Cut the long story short, I got a bottle of green tea (her favourite drink) and a flower from another shop. A purple daisy. Armed with my surprise, I went to wait for her to finish tuition.
She was happy to see the flower and the green tea. Its just so nice to see her smile. Girl, this is my goal in life, to make you happy and see you smile.
We left the place to go to SIM as she is having class there at 7pm. It was about 4.30pm when we left so we decided to go to King Albert Park Macs to chill. Its been a very long time since I last went to KAP macs. I went there before when I was much younger. The place has changed quite a bit. We sat there and nuah for like 1hour plus. We had dinner there too. As we were quite full we walked to SIM from KAP macs. She told me she didn't want to bring the flower into class so I brought it back home with me. and after I left her for her class and myself, for home. I had fun today. I really do enjoy every moment with you girl. I wont get tired of doing this everyday. I love you :)
i just wanna be with you, every day and every night
Today I went out with a very very dear girl of mine :) I went down to her house to pick her up for lunch. We went to pek kio market to eat. I really like her alot. She is so easy with things... She doesn't mind hawker centre stuffs. Really thank God for her. But after lunch as she was just looking through her wallet, she became moody. I guessed it was because she saw the pic of her and him. Well, I know its hard for her as they had been together for a very long time and its not easy to say this is the END.
As we left the place for her tuition, she was really downcast. Confused? Moody? I really don't know what was going through her mind at that moment, but all I know is that she wasn't happy. I offered my hand for her to bite. I hope that it'll help her release some stress... She bit. It was hard, but not as hard as the first time she bit me. Well, she was slightly better after that and she left me for tuition.
I had 1hour and 30mins to kill. HOW TO KILL??!! Well the day was really super hot. I did not feel like walking outside so I decided to go to Plaza Singapura to walk around, hoping to buy my alan key for my guitar and a wire cutter.
I got to PS and went straight to carrefour. I found what I was looking for in like 10mins? Gosh, I still have 1hour and 10mins to kill. WAH I tell you I swore I was really sian. But suddenly I thought of her. I remember that she was moody so I decided to do something that would cheer her up when I see her later. Walking around carrefour for ideas took up most of the time. Cut the long story short, I got a bottle of green tea (her favourite drink) and a flower from another shop. A purple daisy. Armed with my surprise, I went to wait for her to finish tuition.
She was happy to see the flower and the green tea. Its just so nice to see her smile. Girl, this is my goal in life, to make you happy and see you smile.
We left the place to go to SIM as she is having class there at 7pm. It was about 4.30pm when we left so we decided to go to King Albert Park Macs to chill. Its been a very long time since I last went to KAP macs. I went there before when I was much younger. The place has changed quite a bit. We sat there and nuah for like 1hour plus. We had dinner there too. As we were quite full we walked to SIM from KAP macs. She told me she didn't want to bring the flower into class so I brought it back home with me. and after I left her for her class and myself, for home. I had fun today. I really do enjoy every moment with you girl. I wont get tired of doing this everyday. I love you :)
i just wanna be with you, every day and every night
Monday, April 2, 2007
Self imposed Training
I started my self imposed training today. The idea is to exercise and slim down. I think things went well today. So I'm gonna try to keep this up everyday till I have slim down or NS whichever comes first. Its been very long since I last went to swim so today I felt my muscles aching a bit here and there. I think I swam too little today. I swam about 1km, tomorrow I'm going to do at least 2km. I guess being discipline has its pros. Being up early and leaving house early means that I have time to spare in the afternoon.
I did. To my surprise, miss sabbatical agreed to meet me :) I was so overjoyed I quickly went to the East Line to get to pasir ris to catch a bus to her place. We went to punggol plaza for lunch, that was about 3.30pm as she only woke up about 2pm. What a good life she has! But she has school in the evening, so I guess more sleep wont hurt her :)
I was so happy to see her today. really. from the bottom of my heart, I was really really happy. After having lunch, I went to her house to nuah since I had nothing to do and her parents would be back to pick her up soon. We sat in the living room watching cable tv. It was nice just being with her. I didnt care what we were doing. Be it sitting around doing nothing or just talking about anything was fine with me. So as long as I can be with her. Its the best day of my life. Being in her house, being with her. I thank God for today :)
i never have too much time with you, only too little...
I did. To my surprise, miss sabbatical agreed to meet me :) I was so overjoyed I quickly went to the East Line to get to pasir ris to catch a bus to her place. We went to punggol plaza for lunch, that was about 3.30pm as she only woke up about 2pm. What a good life she has! But she has school in the evening, so I guess more sleep wont hurt her :)
I was so happy to see her today. really. from the bottom of my heart, I was really really happy. After having lunch, I went to her house to nuah since I had nothing to do and her parents would be back to pick her up soon. We sat in the living room watching cable tv. It was nice just being with her. I didnt care what we were doing. Be it sitting around doing nothing or just talking about anything was fine with me. So as long as I can be with her. Its the best day of my life. Being in her house, being with her. I thank God for today :)
i never have too much time with you, only too little...
Sunday, April 1, 2007
:) is all I say
Today had been a great day for me. Last night I had a nice long chat with her. She is going on a second sabbatical. Heard from her that this time the reason wasn't because me but that while talking to her best friend AlvinGoh, she realised that she didn't like some stuffs about him. So this time she is going to pray and think through about her relationship with him.
I know this is rather good news but she has cautioned me that I shouldn't place too much hopes as I might get hurt. So yea, I'll take this light hearted :)
This morning as usual I went to church for service. Before that I had breakfast with daddy. It was a good start for the day :) She couldn't wake up and I couldn't bear to call her to disturb her sleep. In the end she skipped baptism class. The speaker for this service was Rev Dr Abel Thomas. He is a very good speaker. Really enjoyed his message. He made me think through a lot of issues. Thank God for a preacher like him.
She arrive at church at about 10.40am++... but in church I couldn't do anything so I just stayed off. The YA today had a little feedback session and I thought it was good. We also had a election for the position of President and Vice-President of the YABF committee. Nominees are, William and Shaun. Guess who won? WILLIAM! Congrats to him and may God Bless him. I as a committee member will support him as much as I can. We also celebrated Esther Khong's and Vanessa's Birthday. Uncle Henry bought the cake from Awfully Chocolate. I dare not eat any of it. I dont wanna crash my diet anymore.
After church we went to have lunch with Cheryl and Germaine. At the table was Jacob, Joel, Lydia , Glenda and myself. Nothing much happen after lunch and I went back to church to nuah as Glenda and Lydia went to Bugis Village to shop. At about 5 plus, we all met at Sim Lim. and went to pick JJ up. We had dinner at Rochor Road Bak Kut Teh. Dinner was good. not cheap but good. DAMN SHIOK AR!
Joel and JJ had the craving for gaming. ahaha it was our kinda bonding session. Cathay E-Games was our hangout. To my surprise she was on for it. Reaching Cathay I managed to have sometime off with her. Just a few mins. But I mouth to her "I love you". She smiled. I know in heart that somehow she loved me too.
We sat next to each other in the LAN shop. The game started and I kinda forgot about her. Forgot as in I did not guide her along... Jacob did, I just concentrated playing. HAHA, I'm such an asshole. but as the game went on, I died together with her in one of the maps. so I looked at her and smile. Instinctively I just held her hand. She responded by holding my hand tighter. I was so happy. After that I just couldn't concentrate playing. Kept dying like mad. ahahah. I'm so happy. really very happy. Thank you Lord :)
pls be mine. i want you
I know this is rather good news but she has cautioned me that I shouldn't place too much hopes as I might get hurt. So yea, I'll take this light hearted :)
This morning as usual I went to church for service. Before that I had breakfast with daddy. It was a good start for the day :) She couldn't wake up and I couldn't bear to call her to disturb her sleep. In the end she skipped baptism class. The speaker for this service was Rev Dr Abel Thomas. He is a very good speaker. Really enjoyed his message. He made me think through a lot of issues. Thank God for a preacher like him.
She arrive at church at about 10.40am++... but in church I couldn't do anything so I just stayed off. The YA today had a little feedback session and I thought it was good. We also had a election for the position of President and Vice-President of the YABF committee. Nominees are, William and Shaun. Guess who won? WILLIAM! Congrats to him and may God Bless him. I as a committee member will support him as much as I can. We also celebrated Esther Khong's and Vanessa's Birthday. Uncle Henry bought the cake from Awfully Chocolate. I dare not eat any of it. I dont wanna crash my diet anymore.
After church we went to have lunch with Cheryl and Germaine. At the table was Jacob, Joel, Lydia , Glenda and myself. Nothing much happen after lunch and I went back to church to nuah as Glenda and Lydia went to Bugis Village to shop. At about 5 plus, we all met at Sim Lim. and went to pick JJ up. We had dinner at Rochor Road Bak Kut Teh. Dinner was good. not cheap but good. DAMN SHIOK AR!
Joel and JJ had the craving for gaming. ahaha it was our kinda bonding session. Cathay E-Games was our hangout. To my surprise she was on for it. Reaching Cathay I managed to have sometime off with her. Just a few mins. But I mouth to her "I love you". She smiled. I know in heart that somehow she loved me too.
We sat next to each other in the LAN shop. The game started and I kinda forgot about her. Forgot as in I did not guide her along... Jacob did, I just concentrated playing. HAHA, I'm such an asshole. but as the game went on, I died together with her in one of the maps. so I looked at her and smile. Instinctively I just held her hand. She responded by holding my hand tighter. I was so happy. After that I just couldn't concentrate playing. Kept dying like mad. ahahah. I'm so happy. really very happy. Thank you Lord :)
pls be mine. i want you
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